dahgts

Chicago, IL

#1 Jan 19, 2013
DEAR AMY: You have published letters from people in all walks of life and of all ages who have one thing in common — they’ve all been sexually abused.

I’m one of these people. I was abused many years ago by a teen neighbor. My sister was abused at the same time. It was a one-time only event and consisted of what you might call sexual touching.

I’ve never discussed this with my sister (or anyone else). We’re about a year apart in age. She’s a year younger than me. This took place more than 50 years ago.

Should I bring up this subject? I don’t even remember the name of the boy who did this, so there’s no going back to the old neighborhood and warning others.-- Older Brother

DEAR BROTHER: You should talk about this. This incident has been on your mind for more than 50 years, and you need to communicate about it in order to try to understand it and place the abuse in some kind of context.

I can imagine that this is quite bewildering and painful for you. Ideally you should seek out a professional counselor and discuss this in therapy before taking this memory to your sister. Your sister may have a completely different memory or reaction to this event, and you should have professional guidance as you go through this process.

Male Survivor is an organization committed to helping men and boys heal from sexual abuse. Its helpful Web site can connect you with other survivors and professionals ( malesurvivor.org ). One of the most powerful messages is a very simple one: You are not alone. If you and your sister are able to communicate about this, you will reinforce this message to each other.

DEAR AMY: I got engaged about a year ago and couldn’t wait to share the news with my two college friends.

One of them immediately asked,“Am I going to be in your wedding party?” I was so thrown off guard that I immediately responded,“Of course!”

A year later, we are actively planning the wedding, and I know I don’t want her to be involved. She’s in an intense graduate program that won’t end until after the wedding. Money is tight and her schedule is tighter. Also, she has recently become one of my “small doses” friends. She can be really negative and opinionated, and I really want a stress-free time during the planning period.

All this is made more complicated by the fact that every single time I talk to her she asks if I’ve decided on wedding colors or have picked out bridesmaid dresses. I don’t even know if I want bridesmaids, to be honest. I’m overwhelmed, but I don’t want to have someone in my wedding just because I couldn’t be honest about my feelings when she asked to participate. How do I tell her?-- Guilty Friend

DEAR FRIEND: Before doing this, realize that you will most likely lose the friendship over this.

You sound prepared to do that, so here’s how you tell her: You start by apologizing and go from there. Don’t make excuses or blame her schedule.

Say,“I am embarrassed and owe you an apology. Even at the time I asked you to be a bridesmaid I knew it was not a good idea for me, and now I am going in another direction. I was overwhelmed and should not have asked you before thinking it through. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

You’ll have to decide whether to invite her to the wedding as a guest.

DEAR AMY:“Democrat in Hiding” said her husband’s political views had become extremely conservative and he had become belligerent over the years.

Many men become reactionary, angry and intolerant because they feel a lack of personal power in their world. She should not allow herself to be bullied by him. She should work to show him that he still is important in her life and has value.

Perhaps in time he will come to understand that with age comes wisdom but not absolute truth.-- Rocco

DEAR ROCCO: This is insightful. Thank you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Jan 19, 2013
Many PEOPLE become reactionary, angry and intolerant because they feel a lack of personal power in their world. Women are just more used to it than men.
Thus sayeth a former women's libber

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#3 Jan 19, 2013
1- Get over it! You weren't raped, you weren't abused, someone touched your winky over fifty years ago that was probably just curious exploration. People love being a victim and play the woe is me card.

2- You're putting way too much thought and stress into this.

3- It's not just the lack of personal power, it's banging your head against the wall at the sheer stupidity of people.

"Democrats raise our taxes, wreak the economy, take our freedoms away, keep us oppressed... let's keep voting for them!"

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#4 Jan 19, 2013
L1: Go see a therapist. You're having difficulty putting this in perspective with your life. While it was more than someone touching your winky over fifty years ago (edog -- you are bad!), it should not define you.

L2: I actually like Amy's advice and think it's on target.

L3: I don't understand why you have not spoken to him about why he changed. You can have different views and respect the other's view without taking it on.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Jan 19, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: Go see a therapist. You're having difficulty putting this in perspective with your life. While it was more than someone touching your winky over fifty years ago (edog -- you are bad!), it should not define you.
I tend to fall more on the Dog's side of things on this one. A One time contact with a non-family member 50 years ago suggests that LW is either carrying a lot of guilt about a lot of sexual things, likes the victim role or lacks emotional resilience.
Some kids when they are abused, sexually or physically, come through it , don't inflict it on their own kids and deal with it; others can't for whatever reason . This LW does not sound like he lacks resilience. Because he mentions his sister, I suspect he has some residuals and he wants his share of attention and sympathy , too.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#6 Jan 19, 2013
LW3 - Oh,no! Here's another man trying to control his wife's politics!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Jan 19, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I tend to fall more on the Dog's side of things on this one. A One time contact with a non-family member 50 years ago suggests that LW is either carrying a lot of guilt about a lot of sexual things, likes the victim role or lacks emotional resilience.
Some kids when they are abused, sexually or physically, come through it , don't inflict it on their own kids and deal with it; others can't for whatever reason . This LW does not sound like he lacks resilience. Because he mentions his sister, I suspect he has some residuals and he wants his share of attention and sympathy , too.
I'm with dog too. Sexual touching? 50 years ago? Whatever. I'm not wasting any sympathy on you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#8 Jan 19, 2013
Shari23 wrote:
LW3 - Oh,no! Here's another man trying to control his wife's politics!
Do you find it liberating to be such a man-hater?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Jan 19, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I tend to fall more on the Dog's side of things on this one. A One time contact with a non-family member 50 years ago suggests that LW is either carrying a lot of guilt about a lot of sexual things, likes the victim role or lacks emotional resilience.
Some kids when they are abused, sexually or physically, come through it , don't inflict it on their own kids and deal with it; others can't for whatever reason . This LW does not sound like he lacks resilience. Because he mentions his sister, I suspect he has some residuals and he wants his share of attention and sympathy , too.
I'm thinking the LW was quite young and is still looking at it as if he was 6 years old. What is no big deal when you're 50, when you're little it can impact your whole life if you allow it. Obviously, this person needs some therapy and I just bet this is not his only issue. I'm wondering if it also involved his sister with him. Who knows.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#10 Jan 19, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
I'm with dog too.
PEllen wrote:
I tend to fall more on the Dog's side of things on this one.
Woo hoo! Wanna... go behind the woodshed?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#11 Jan 19, 2013
1 Please! One time event and you never got over it? GTFU!

2 Girl stuff don't care

3 So your saying the guy is acting like a child because he feels powerless? Maybe his winkie was touched when he was a kid too.

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