Abby 2-19

[edogxxx]

DEAR ABBY: While I always enjoy your column, I thought your advice to "Wants My Space" (Dec. 14), whose son "Dustin" moved away five years ago and expects her to keep his room as he left it, was off the mark. I would have told Dustin what I have told both of my daughters several times: It is not "your" room; I merely let you use it.

Not only is "Wants" not obligated to use her home as a storage facility, she's doing her son a disservice by doing it under these circumstances. At 24, he needs to learn that if he wants a service, it's his obligation to procure it. There are plenty of businesses that can fulfill his needs at a reasonable price.-- MATT IN PROVIDENCE FORGE, VA.

DEAR MATT: For the most part, readers agreed with you, and they offered their own "take" on how to accomplish the removal of the young man's belongings:

DEAR ABBY: An acquaintance of mine had a similar problem with his son. The son expected his dad to provide storage space at no charge for an indefinite length of time. My friend told his son: "No way! You get it out of here within six months, or I'll sell it and keep the money for storage fees."

He didn't think his father would actually do it. Well, he was wrong. And now the younger siblings don't even think of leaving any of their stuff at the father's house.-- SHIRLEY IN CHULA VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My parents, while not upset with still having their four adult children's belongings in their home, solved their dilemma in a unique way. One Christmas we all gathered at their house and were delighted to find heaps of presents under the tree. Concerned that our folks had way overspent, imagine our surprise when we unwrapped the packages and found all of our own belongings! It was an inventive and effective way to clear out the attic and basement. We still talk about it to this day -- a warm Christmas memory.-- KATIE IN NEWARK, DEL.

DEAR ABBY: "Wants" is blessed that Dustin voiced his desire for his mom to keep his stuff. My mother continued asking me if I wanted my stuff for years. I said no, until one day, yes, I did. My parents are no longer alive, and I treasure the little stuffed dog that was my very first Christmas present.

I'd advise "Wants" to return some of the items to her son from time to time in the form of gifts. To him, they are treasures, and they can be returned in a way that won't make him feel betrayed.-- IRENE IN OWOSSO, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: Dustin should either pay rent to his mother or move his stuff out. If he doesn't, he has abandoned it and she can dispose of it as she sees fit, since it's her house to do with as she pleases. In all fairness, a deadline is reasonable, but it's been five years -- why give him six more months? Enough mollycoddling.-- ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

DEAR ABBY: Dustin may be lucky his mom wants his stuff out. My mom insisted on keeping my room exactly as I had left it as a shrine. I was glad not to have to move all my coin, toy and stamp collections and the other things from my first 18 years.

However, subsequently Mom allowed a young male relative to use my room, and he lost, stole or destroyed all of my memories. I was and am still sad, but I never told my mom 'cause "that's life." -- CHARLIE IN FLORIDA

[edogxxx]

7- Ha ha, loser. "My coin, toy and stamp collections..."
H0mo

[Toj]

edogxxx wrote:

7- Ha ha, loser. "My coin, toy and stamp collections..."
H0mo

That loser probably lost a lot of money. Coins, old toys and stamp collections can be worth a lot of money.

[Toj]

I like the inventiveness of the Christmas presents. I don't think anyone should feel the obligations to keep their adult kids' stuff after they move out. A warning that you're going to get rid of it on "X" day should be all that is needed. However, I would probably do a storage thing in the person's name and then give them the bill. They either pick it up, pay the storage fee or it's gone.

[RedheadwGlasses]

I kind of like the christmas gift idea, too.

[Mister Tonka]

When my kids move out, there will be no shrine. Their rooms will be redecorated as guest rooms or whatever. That being said, I don't see any burden of boxing their crap up and keeping it in the closet. You go 18 years without the use of those closets while they are living there, I don't think keeping their stuff in the closet is really depriving you of anything. I can't imagine thinking of that as a "service" for which I should be paid. When you're in your 20's, you move more often than someone older with a house of their own. I would not worry about trying to get them to take all their stuff until they had their own house.

[RedheadwGlasses]

Mister Tonka wrote:

When my kids move out, there will be no shrine. Their rooms will be redecorated as guest rooms or whatever. That being said, I don't see any burden of boxing their crap up and keeping it in the closet. You go 18 years without the use of those closets while they are living there, I don't think keeping their stuff in the closet is really depriving you of anything. I can't imagine thinking of that as a "service" for which I should be paid. When you're in your 20's, you move more often than someone older with a house of their own. I would not worry about trying to get them to take all their stuff until they had their own house.

ITA. If I have the space to store their stuff, I'm okay holding onto it. My mom did that for YEARS. AFter she sold her house and got a condo (HUGE condo, as big as their house was), she boxed up all our stuff and delivered it to us in person. But I was nearly 40 then.

[RedheadwGlasses]

Mister Tonka wrote:

When you're in your 20's, you move more often than someone older with a house of their own. I would not worry about trying to get them to take all their stuff until they had their own house.

GOod point.

[squishymama]

Team Tonka for the win!

[RedheadwGlasses]

Tonka, what would you do to their room if they're just moving out for college, but coming back home during breaks from school?

[Mister Tonka]

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

Tonka, what would you do to their room if they're just moving out for college, but coming back home during breaks from school?

Nothing. At that point, my home is still their permanent residence. Once they relly move out and get a job, then its not.

[Matilda77]

Yeah, what Tonka said. We'll probably keep a few boxes of SIL's around for a while--we've got a huge garage attic. I've actually kept a bunch of my stuff from my old house for her. Pots and pans and such.

[RedheadwGlasses]

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>Nothing. At that point, my home is still their permanent residence. Once they relly move out and get a job, then its not.

My parents bought a new house the summer after my freshman year of college, so I ended up in a sort of guest room that was mine, but none of my stuff was in there.

[Matilda77]

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>Nothing. At that point, my home is still their permanent residence. Once they relly move out and get a job, then its not.

Depending on where they go, they could be back more often than just Christmas, spring break, and summer break. I'm pretty sure I've seen my SIL at least once a month since she left.:-/

[RACE]

HA! Enough mollycoddling!!

mollycoddling, word of the day!

[RedheadwGlasses]

RACE wrote:

HA! Enough mollycoddling!!
mollycoddling, word of the day!

Heh yeah that was kinda fun to see. ;)

[pde]

Matilda77 wrote:

Yeah, what Tonka said. We'll probably keep a few boxes of SIL's around for a while--we've got a huge garage attic. I've actually kept a bunch of my stuff from my old house for her. Pots and pans and such.

My parents offered to keep my stuff around the house for however long, but I got most of it out when I got my first apartment.

And of course, the one thing I left there, that I told them I wanted to keep but didn't want to haul around ... they managed to toss.

[VAdame]

My mom solved this easily - she moved out and sold the house to my brother! Now we NEVER have to move our stuff ;-)

[Toj]

I moved out of my parents' house at a fairly young age right out of high school and took all my stuff with me. I didn't have much anyways.

[Sam I Am]

edogxxx wrote:

7- Ha ha, loser. "My coin, toy and stamp collections..."
H0mo

And still, more worthwhile than anything you've ever done.