“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#1 Apr 19, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old male, married for 26 years. I am hopelessly in love with my wife and still see her as the most beautiful woman in the world.

I have always been self-employed and have sometimes been at the extremes of feast or famine. During the bad times, I often worked 110-plus-hour weeks to save the ship.

Each time things have gotten really bad, my wife has had an affair to make up for the time, money and attention I can't provide her. I found out about her latest affair (her third) when I found a secret cellphone in her purse. For the last eight months, when she visited our daughter at college, she would check into a hotel with her lover.

I feel responsible for failing to meet her needs. She doesn't want a divorce, but admits she doubts she will ever fully stop dating, and says the effort she puts into deceiving me is proof she loves me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

I am amazed at the number of men willing to have sex with a married woman. My heart is broken, and I feel like a failure. Am I a fool to keep fighting for her?-- HOPELESSLY IN LOVE

DEAR HOPELESSLY IN LOVE: I hope you realize that as "beautiful" as your wife may be, your relationship with her isn't a healthy one. Please go online and look up the definition of the word "codependency."

If your wife loved you, she would prove it by doing everything in her power to help you through the rough periods, including finding a job to help with the bills, not sneaking around with other men. That she would claim her deceit is "proof of her love," and that you would believe her, is amazing.

This woman has shown no remorse; she has told you she doesn't plan to be faithful in the future. Do not let her hoodwink you into believing her infidelity is your fault because you worked yourself nearly into a physical collapse trying to save your business and provide for her. If you accept that, it would be foolish.

DEAR ABBY: What is proper etiquette for someone who takes pictures at a funeral?

I am a recent widow who received a package from an out-of-town relative. In it were several envelopes for my family. One of them was for my sister, who lives 40 miles away. I gave my sister a call and told her it looked like it contained a stack of pictures. She said I should go ahead and open it.

Inside were photos taken at my husband's funeral -- pictures of the funeral home, inside the church, the casket, and some of me and my daughter sitting at the gravesite. Abby, it was like going to the funeral all over again! The latter were particularly disturbing.

To me, it felt like voyeurism. Why would someone take pictures of such a sad event? I hope you print this and tell me and others what your opinion is so they may heed your advice -- particularly my in-laws.-- GRIEVING WIDOW IN INDIANA

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. I can only imagine the shock you experienced when you saw the photos. No one should take pictures at funerals without first having received permission from the immediate survivors such as the widow, widower or children.

That said, the practice is not as uncommon as you might think. After a period of time, family members have been known to find comfort in having them. Short of asking your permission, your trauma could have been avoided had the relative who sent the pictures thought to label the envelopes or include a note explaining what was inside them. That way, you wouldn't have had to view them until you were ready -- if ever -- and were prepared emotionally.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#2 Apr 19, 2013
LW1 - There are so many things wrong with this letter. Working 110 hours a week does not work if both partners are not on board with the arrangement. Someone who has cheated this many times would have found another excuse to break her marriage vows, even if the husband cut back on work. Why is the LW placing the blame on the men who his wife are sleeping with?

He is not in love, he is an idiot. His wife has made it clear that she is not going to change, so he has to decide whether he is willing to have an open marriage or get a divorce and find a partner who has the same views on marriage and fidelity as he does.

LW2 - After my MIL died, I printed some pictures of my FIL and the boys that I had on my phone. I asked her if she wanted them a couple days after the funeral or if she wanted me to put them away so she could look at them another time. I can't imagine sending pictures without a warning.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Apr 19, 2013
L1: I think you're beyond help.

L2: Taking pictures isn't that uncommon, but sending them to the widow and other family members with no warning is pretty insensitive.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Apr 19, 2013
1 Gosh I hope this is a fake letter. You totally have burned your man card and castrated yourself. I dont know if you should be beat with the clue bat or tell you to stay there and suffer.

Oh, and there really was no wife bashing, but if the LW were a woman....

2 Pictures at funerals.... I would like to do that but would never have the guts to ask, nor would I do so without asking.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Apr 19, 2013
Sub is gonna have a field day with LW1.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Apr 19, 2013
LW1: Chump.

LW2: People take pictures of their food; of course they're going to take pictures at a funeral.

And if you'll recall, you opened mail that was not addressed to you. Perhaps this family member never intended for you to see these photos.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#7 Apr 19, 2013
squishymama wrote:
And if you'll recall, you opened mail that was not addressed to you. Perhaps this family member never intended for you to see these photos.
Good point!

An why would someone send a package to a widow with envelopes to distribute? The whole thing is just weird.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Apr 19, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
Good point!
An why would someone send a package to a widow with envelopes to distribute? The whole thing is just weird.
I can only think that the out-of-town relative only had the LW's address.

It is weird.

“Happy Halloween”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Apr 19, 2013
LW1: I am so glad I am not a p' like you. I am so glad every woman who has ever known me knows I am not a p' like you.

You are so like that guy from the R lee Ermy Geico commercial ... "and that's why yellow makes me said, I think." I wanna chuck a Kleenex box at your head.



LW2: It wasn't intended for you. Get over it.

“Colorful Beyond Words”

Since: May 11

"True Love Never Ends "

#10 Apr 19, 2013
L1 Maybe you should look for a 9-5 job and leave that "work for myself" thing alone for awhile. When your business is suffering the stress at home has to be suffocating. She finds an outlet away from all the tension. A more regular job may give you the extra time for you and your wife to work on your marriage..... OR .. maybe look into Polyamory relationships. They are on the increase I hear .:)
Julie

Chicago, IL

#11 Apr 19, 2013
LW1: So, you're still "hopelessly in love" with a wife you repeatedly cheats on you, has clearly said she has NO intention of stopping, and has managed to make you feel it's *your* fault. Awesome.
Why don't you just find a nice woman who'll beat you with a whip? It'd be a much healthier relationship than the one you have now, you pathetic sucker.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Apr 19, 2013
LW1: What jess said.
LW2: What jess said.

As far as race & #2, while I would not be making a spectacle of myself with the camera, I'm not asking anyone for permission to take photos of anything unless there's nekkidness involved.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#13 Apr 19, 2013
LW1: There is no excuse for cheating, period. You get points for admitting your part in the breakdown of your marriage, but the fact is that your wife is an unrepentant cheat. I don't know many men that would put up with that and I think you know the answer to your question.

LW2: I don't think the picture taking is necessarily disrespectful, but the sharing of pictures with family members in the manner described is inappropriate. LW should have been asked if she wanted to see them either now, later, or never.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#14 Apr 20, 2013
If the funeral is for family, I can see your point. It actually could be an excuse to update family pictures. But what about a funeral for a coworker? Would you still be a shutterbug?
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW1: What jess said.
LW2: What jess said.
As far as race & #2, while I would not be making a spectacle of myself with the camera, I'm not asking anyone for permission to take photos of anything unless there's nekkidness involved.

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