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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Nov 6, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am a middle child, with an older and younger sister. Over the past two years my sisters have had my father live with them for a time. He was ill for a while but is now recovering.

My husband and I are about to buy our first home, and my younger sister is hounding me to have my father live with us.
He is quite young (59) and is capable of living on his own. We don’t have children yet and have the space, but my younger sister would also be tagging along. She has been “floating” for more than a year (i.e. sleeping here and there; she doesn’t have a permanent home).

My husband and I understand that someday we will have to take my father in, but we are not ready to do it just yet. My husband and I aren’t buying this home to house my family. Are we being selfish?-- Worried Wife

DEAR WIFE: You and your husband have formed a family together. Your primary job is to put your family at the center of your lives. Then you give what you can to others — your family and his. Nothing strains a marriage so much as cohabiting with other family members, and unless you and your husband both want very much to do this, then you should not.

You say your younger sister has been floating from home to home for a year. You should assume that she has a strong motive to pressure you to provide for your father, because then you would also be providing for her. You don’t mention what your father wants or needs. You and your husband need to communicate with him directly (not through or with your siblings) to outline what you are prepared to do for him, now and in the future.

DEAR AMY: I am 21 and newly married. The man I married was a good guy, but now I feel ignored and neglected.

I am disabled and use a wheelchair part time (as well as a service dog). He seems embarrassed by this and has pressured me more than once to not use my wheelchair and push through the pain, even though I feel I should use my chair so I can function later.

He gets angry a lot, and I try to placate him.

He has withheld food until I could clean the kitchen. He says I’m lazy, even though I spend most of my days at school and working. He comments on my weight, even though I am on the low end of my BMI. He makes hurtful comments about my level of physical ability, wishing that I could be “more active and be a cheerleader or something.”

I’ve even been smacked upside the head for making a silly mistake. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I feel perpetually guilty.

Lately I’ve lost interest in him and have a hard time being intimate. I have been taking notice of other men and dreaming about being with other men. I’ve felt so hurt by the things my husband has done, even after he has apologized. Help me; I just don’t know what to do.-- Upset

DEAR UPSET: You need to leave this relationship. You report that your husband is emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. This is not safe for you. This situation will not change unless your husband changes, and — even if he apologizes after he has been abusive — you cannot count on him to change.

DEAR AMY:“Wondering (but not Wandering) Wife” was considering seeking sex outside of her marriage. In your reply, you said that if her husband agrees to this, then it is not really “cheating.”

One of the definitions of “cheat” in the dictionary is “to be sexually unfaithful.” The husband’s permission is irrelevant. If she does not like the word cheat, she could accurately use the word adultery. Better yet, she could be faithful to her marriage vows “for better or worse” and seek help to work through this.-- Sandy

DEAR SANDY: Other readers agreed with you. I feel that if two adults consent to have an “open” marriage, then it doesn’t rise to your definition.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Nov 6, 2013
1 Obviously your dads disability checks are not enough to keep your sister in the lifestyle she is used to.

2 I understand that you have a disability, but were you really born without a spine?

3 Thank you for imposing your moralistic views upon the rest of us. However your still wrong and the sooner you get that stick out of your butt, the better off you're gonna feel.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#3 Nov 6, 2013
1- Yeah, what's your father's opinion in this? Anyway, sis and dad can get their own place.

2- Why did he marry you? Hop in your chair and wheel away.

3-Yes, it's still cheating

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#4 Nov 6, 2013
LW1: Dad and younger sister should get a two bedroom apartment.

LW2: I know what you should do: call the divorce lawyer.

LW3: Judgemental much?
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#5 Nov 6, 2013
1. If your father is really that ill, look for places he could live. Little sis needs to grow up.
2. Contact your social services if you don't have family to advocate for you. You will need protection if and when you make the right decision to leave this dirtbag.(Serioulsy let's put my nickname aside for a minute because I am afraid for this young woman).
3. Whatever.

“Rope Swingin'”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Nov 6, 2013
LW1: You have every right to be selfish when it comes to who will or won’t be living in your home with you and your family.

LW2: Leave.

LW3: If they are both on board with it, it’s of no concern to you and doesn’t affect you in any way, shape, or form. Accordingly your definition of cheating is irrelevant.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#7 Nov 6, 2013
LW2 - This can't be real. It must be a fake. Nobody, absolutely nobody can be so clueless about the fact that they are in an extremely abusive relationship.

LW3 - Oh, fercryingoutloud, please allow couples to decide for themselves what they will consider cheating.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#8 Nov 6, 2013
Cass wrote:
LW2 - This can't be real. It must be a fake. Nobody, absolutely nobody can be so clueless about the fact that they are in an extremely abusive relationship.
Unfortunately Cass, you're could very well be very, very, wrong.
I used to hold your POV, then I went through the training and became a volunteer at a women's shelter.
Opened my eyes.
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#9 Nov 6, 2013
Sadly there are a lot of women who tolerate abusers. Even with a strong support system they will hide the bruises and never tell.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#10 Nov 6, 2013
LW2: You guys are right. She needs to leave. Yesterday! I am suprised her dog didn't snap at the jerk when he slapped her. Service dogs can be very protective of their people.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#11 Nov 6, 2013
LW1: What Sublime said. Your home is your castle. You will open up a can of worms if you let your family members move in. Find another way to help them if you feel motivated to do so.

LW2: Get. Out. NOW. Call the women's shelter, or the abuse hotline, do whatever you need to do, but do it now. This will not get better.

LW3: If I recall the original letter correctly, the woman's husband did not agree to anything and was unaware of her thoughts.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#12 Nov 6, 2013
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Unfortunately Cass, you're could very well be very, very, wrong.
I used to hold your POV, then I went through the training and became a volunteer at a women's shelter.
Opened my eyes.
This is just sooooo sad. It's one thing to know, but not to believe that you have a way out. It's another thing to not even recognize it, especially if the abuse is so blatant and awful. I'll take your word for it that this could be real, and in that case, this woman needs all the help she can possibly get. But then she won't listen to "just leave." That's an even sadder part.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#13 Nov 6, 2013
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
This is just sooooo sad. It's one thing to know, but not to believe that you have a way out. It's another thing to not even recognize it, especially if the abuse is so blatant and awful. I'll take your word for it that this could be real, and in that case, this woman needs all the help she can possibly get. But then she won't listen to "just leave." That's an even sadder part.
I know, I've dealt with this before, more than a few times.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#14 Nov 6, 2013
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Unfortunately Cass, you're could very well be very, very, wrong.
I used to hold your POV, then I went through the training and became a volunteer at a women's shelter.
Opened my eyes.
That's why you're so much more enlightened than the rest of us.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Nov 6, 2013
L1: At 59 years old, if he does not need special care and can live on his own, he should. As for sis, whatever she can con out of someone else -- don't give in.

L2: Train your dog to protect you and make plans to leave and then do it.

L3: Why do other people want to control something that is not any of their business and does not affect them?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#16 Nov 6, 2013
Toj wrote:
L3: Why do other people want to control something that is not any of their business and does not affect them?
Hmmm.... Good question. Ask a liberal.
dahgts

Chicago Heights, IL

#17 Nov 6, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Hmmm.... Good question. Ask a liberal.
Or some politicians from conservative red states re women's rights. Virginia guy got knocked out of the game. Hopefully more of his ilk will

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Nov 6, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Hmmm.... Good question. Ask a liberal.
Oh, like pregnancies? Oops, no, that would be Conservatives.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#19 Nov 6, 2013
For some reason you still think Conservatives are against women's rights. Women make up the second largest Republican voting block. So either THEY didn't get the memo, or YOU didn't.

And what about the liberal's desire to take away my religious freedom? And my gun rights? Something that is not any of their business and does not affect them?
dahgts

Chicago Heights, IL

#20 Nov 6, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
For some reason you still think Conservatives are against women's rights. Women make up the second largest Republican voting block. So either THEY didn't get the memo, or YOU didn't.
And what about the liberal's desire to take away my religious freedom? And my gun rights? Something that is not any of their business and does not affect them?
You are delusional. When have you ever been barred from entering a church, temple or any other religious institution? You can have a gun, you just have to register it...BFD....unless you're a criminal.....?

And it's mostly the repub men politicians who want to, figuratively insert themselves into a woman's body.

George Carlin line: did you ever notice that women who are antI-choice look like someone you wouldn't want to f×+k anyway?

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