“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jul 8, 2013
DEAR ABBY: At what point is a relationship with a member of the opposite sex considered "cheating"? I have recently discovered that my husband was having a more-than-friendly relationship with a co-worker. He set up a post office box for her so she could write to him while she was away for an extended period.

I found her letters and read them. They described how she missed my husband and "couldn't wait to feel" his arms around her and his lips on hers again. She said he had shown her what real true love can be. She is 12 years younger than he is.

My husband says they never had sex, but did kiss on several occasions, and he enjoyed their deep, open conversations. Because my husband is not a big conversationalist, that has been very hard for me. The idea that he had meaningful conversations with this woman hurts me more than the physical things they admit to.

He says it's not actually cheating if they never slept together. I say, with everything he has admitted to and the fact he has opened up to her in ways I have begged him to with me, he has definitely cheated!

This is the second time in our 16-year marriage this kind of thing has happened. Obviously, his definition of cheating is not the same as mine. I say an emotional affair is almost worse than a physical one. He sees cheating as sex only.-- HURT AND LONELY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR HURT AND LONELY: When someone gets a post office box so that he or she can carry on a furtive romantic correspondence, it is cheating. When he kisses and embraces someone in a romantic fashion, that's cheating too. When he confides his deepest feelings to a woman other than his wife, what he does is widen the gulf between them.

t

On the deepest levels, your husband has been unfaithful to you. It appears he has perfected the "art" of lying to himself in order to justify his behavior. My heart goes out to you.

DEAR ABBY: I was seeing a therapist for several years. I began going because of abandonment and trust issues. Over time we became friends outside of therapy, talking to each other several times a week. I trusted her completely. During our therapy sessions she shared her life and problems with me to the point that I feel I know as much about her as she knows about me.

A couple of months ago, she suddenly decided that ethics had been breached and she was setting new boundaries. She said there would be no contact outside our sessions, but during the sessions she would say how much she missed me and thought of me as a daughter, and she would cry.

Now she has decided that she can no longer be my therapist. She has blocked my number and expects me to respect her demands. I know you can't speak for her, but is this normal behavior for a mental health therapist? I no longer trust therapists.-- CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: No, it is not normal behavior; it is highly inappropriate. Your therapist appears to have had as many or more unresolved emotional issues than you did. By ending your sessions together, she has done you an enormous favor.

While you may not trust "therapists," it may require the efforts of another one to help you work through this. When you go for your initial interview, be sure to tell the therapist what was done to you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Jul 8, 2013
1. All of what Abby says is true, but I will guaranty the other relationship started with just talking. LW could consider non accusatory conversations with her husband for a start. If she needs a topic, she can stop by here for suggestions.

2. Therapist identified a problem, took steps to fix it, found she needed more drastic steps and took them. This is fall out. I think she should have handed LW a list of referrals like an MD does when he decides he won't be your doctor any more.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#3 Jul 8, 2013
LW1: Send the notification of divorce to the PO box.

LW2: Not normal at all and that's why she did something about it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Jul 8, 2013
1 And a hummer or hand job is not technically sex either.

2 ... I began going because of abandonment and trust issues....
And then your frickking therapist abandons you....
what cruel irony.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#5 Jul 8, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Send the notification of divorce to the PO box.
Heh. Yep.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Jul 8, 2013
L1: Ha! And his girlfriend is in prison, so you lose doubly.

DTMFA.

L2: Report her to the the appropriate board for censure. Get a new therapist.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#7 Jul 8, 2013
LW2 - what a mind flcuk... i agree that the therapist is the problem, and she eventually did what was right, but along the way, messed up LW something good, i bet.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 Jul 8, 2013
Also, along the lines of what PE said, it can be considered to be malpractice to simply dump a therapy patient in this manner. The doctor/therapist is responsible for this person and is supposed to either make either referrals, or transfer patients over to a colleague directly.

This therapist sounds like she needs some therapy.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#9 Jul 8, 2013
Wow!

L1... are you really asking if this is cheating???

L2... no, not normal. Get one of those MIB eye-flash thingies and start all over with therapy.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#10 Jul 8, 2013
HA!
j_m_w wrote:
L2... no, not normal. Get one of those MIB eye-flash thingies and start all over with therapy.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#11 Jul 8, 2013
1- Welcome to Clueless. Population: you.

2- So.. the therapist helping you with abandonment and trust issues, has abandoned you? Face it, you're just a pill to be around. And sounds like she breached a massive code of ethics. I once dated a girl who divorced her husband because he cheated on her... with <drum-roll, please>... their marriage counselor! Find a new therapist, and try to get to the bottom of why no one wants you around.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Jul 8, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
2- So.. the therapist helping you with abandonment and trust issues, has abandoned you? Face it, you're just a pill to be around. And sounds like she breached a massive code of ethics. I once dated a girl who divorced her husband because he cheated on her... with <drum-roll, please>... their marriage counselor! Find a new therapist, and try to get to the bottom of why no one wants you around.
Harsh.

However, when the same thing happens to you over and over, aren't you supposed to look for the common element: you?

FWIW I think it is fairly common for a shrink and a patient to develop feelings for each other. I think that is called transference. The shrink however is trained in how to avoid it and how to respond. And to back it up there are license and ethics codes.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#13 Jul 8, 2013
LW1: Reality check: This man is never going to be the loyal, faithful, loving, devoted husband that you wish he was. You've given him 16 years and one get out of trouble free card already. You would be wise to cut your losses now and move on.

LW2: Your therapist corrected her breach of ethics much too late. I hope you find another one who will behave professionally and help you resolve your issues.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#14 Jul 9, 2013
If she would just learn to be self sufficient and trust nobody she would not need a shrink at all!

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