Abby 4-17

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Apr 17, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 17 years. For the most part, our marriage has been great, and I love her very much. Lately, though, I have felt that our sexual and emotional intimacy has been lacking. I spoke to her about it recently and tried to explain how I feel. She has responded, and things are improving.

Still, she spends most of her time on her cellphone checking email, Facebook, Pinterest and watching Netflix. At bedtime, she stays on her phone or laptop until after I have gone to bed. When she comes to bed, she ignores me and goes straight to sleep, even if I have been lying there awake in the dark waiting for her.

Has she fallen in love with her cellphone? Even if we don't have sex all the time, I would just like to be able to talk to her or hold her for a minute before we go to sleep. Any suggestions other than throwing her phone out the window?-- ABANDONED HUSBAND IN UTAH

DEAR ABANDONED: You say your wife has responded and things are hopeful. That means she is at least receptive to working on your marital relationship.

The problems that cellphones cause in relationships is something I am hearing about with increasing frequency. People have become so dependent upon their digital companions that in some cases it's impossible to turn them off because people have become literally addicted.

In cases like this, a licensed therapist should be consulted. Of course, like any addiction the sufferer must be willing to admit there is a problem and want to do something about it. I wish there was a 12-step program to which I could refer you, but I was unable to locate one. In the future I'm willing to bet that they'll sprout up like mushrooms.

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I realized I had a drinking problem and decided to go through a chemical dependence program as an outpatient. I'm sober now and attend meetings a few times a week. My problem is someone I was barely acquainted with was also in the same program. I didn't regard it as a problem at first, but now I'm concerned.

At a meeting a few months ago, I mentioned to the group that I also attend a meeting in another town closer to my home. Next thing I know, this man is attending the same meeting. He always makes a point of telling me about what's going on with the people we went through treatment with.

I am active in service work and plan to attend a regional meeting at a resort over a weekend. Guess who has suddenly decided to do the same?

I'm nervous about being around this man. I don't want to compromise his sobriety, but I can't stand seeing him at every meeting and event I attend. My husband is also bothered by it, and I'm considering not attending any meetings at all because he's creeping me out. How should I handle this?-- SOBER AND CREEPED OUT

DEAR CREEPED OUT: If there is a group moderator or contact, discuss this with that person. Because you want less contact with your "admirer," look around for another group. Even if you will have to travel a bit farther, it will be worth the effort.

If you do happen to run into him in the future and he tries to engage you in conversation about other patients from your program, cut the conversation short by telling him you are not interested in hearing about them. One of the hallmarks of 12-step programs is anonymity -- and it should be respected.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Apr 17, 2013
 

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1 Have you tried texting her? Maybe sext her with a picture of your junk?

2 Bring your husband to the meeting. If the guy does not get the hint, put a 6pack in his car. He will fall off the wagon and never go to a meeting again.

Since: Jan 10

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#3
Apr 17, 2013
 

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L1: Marriage counseling. I'm on your side. She needs to drop all the electronics and spend time with/pay some attention to her husband.

L2: Quit telling the guy your plans.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#4
Apr 17, 2013
 

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LW1: Have you tried asking her to turn off the effing thing? No? Just expected her to intuit that you were waiting for her in bed?

Why don't you try talking to her for free before you pay for a counselor.

LW2: No kidding, Ang. He only knows where you're going because *you* tell him.

There must be another group/time that you can attend.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#5
Apr 17, 2013
 

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squishymama wrote:
LW1: Have you tried asking her to turn off the effing thing? No? Just expected her to intuit that you were waiting for her in bed?
Why don't you try talking to her for free before you pay for a counselor.
LW2: No kidding, Ang. He only knows where you're going because *you* tell him.
There must be another group/time that you can attend.
Have you tried talking to her before going to bed, going out to dinner, etc like a date or something so that maybe she would want to be in bed with you rather than on teh phone?
That is not putting it all on you, but you have a role in this as well- well something more than lying in bed tenting the sheets and expecting her to know.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#6
Apr 17, 2013
 

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L2 I have encountered some guys who went to church as a means of meeting women. I suppose it is not out of the realm of possibility that someone would go to an AA type meeting for similar reasons

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Apr 17, 2013
 

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I would do that but I am sure God would strike me dead if I went to either of those places.
PEllen wrote:
L2 I have encountered some guys who went to church as a means of meeting women. I suppose it is not out of the realm of possibility that someone would go to an AA type meeting for similar reasons

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#8
Apr 17, 2013
 

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PEllen wrote:
L2 I have encountered some guys who went to church as a means of meeting women. I suppose it is not out of the realm of possibility that someone would go to an AA type meeting for similar reasons
Eh....13th-Stepper. Yuck. Talk to your sponsor. And, while you're at it, talk to HIS sponsor! If he's sincerely interested in staying sober, his sponsor will kick him in the pants and tell him to cut it the @#$% out. If he's NOT sincerely interested, who cares if he goes back out? And, really, YOU are allowed to tell him to back the @#$& off too; just 'cause you meet someone in AA doesn't mean they have to be your new BFF.

At 6 months, you are still VERY new (and so is he!) He may simply be clueless, in which case, again, his sponsor should set his ass straight! Good that you're getting into service, and as such, your attendance at conferences, etc., may be semi-public knowledge. Surround yourself with like-minded WOMEN and don't let anyone chase you out.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#9
Apr 17, 2013
 
LW1: You need to let her know that this is a major issue for you and the she is being rude and disrespectful. But she won't know how much this bothers you unless you tell her.

NO ONE needs to be on the phone that much. Ever. If you tell her how much this bothers you and she still does it, then she is telling you how much you mean to her (or don't mean to her). People who put electronics ahead of people like that have issues.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#10
Apr 17, 2013
 

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Right! So drop the keyboard and get me a beer!
Stina wrote:
People who put electronics ahead of people like that have issues.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#11
Apr 17, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Right! So drop the keyboard and get me a beer!
<quoted text>
I'll whack you in the head with my keyboard!!!

Since: Jan 10

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#12
Apr 17, 2013
 

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Stina wrote:
LW1: You need to let her know that this is a major issue for you and the she is being rude and disrespectful. But she won't know how much this bothers you unless you tell her.
NO ONE needs to be on the phone that much. Ever. If you tell her how much this bothers you and she still does it, then she is telling you how much you mean to her (or don't mean to her). People who put electronics ahead of people like that have issues.
And it doesn't even matter that it's electronics. She's favoring one thing over her husband.

Since: Jan 10

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#13
Apr 17, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Have you tried talking to her before going to bed, going out to dinner, etc like a date or something so that maybe she would want to be in bed with you rather than on teh phone?
That is not putting it all on you, but you have a role in this as well- well something more than lying in bed tenting the sheets and expecting her to know.
HA! "Tenting the sheets!" AWesome visual!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#14
Apr 17, 2013
 
:)
Stina wrote:
<quoted text>
I'll whack you in the head with my keyboard!!!

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#15
Apr 17, 2013
 
LW1 - try instituting a movie night, quiet night, date night... soemthing... hubby & i go off to our corners most nights, but we have a saturday "date night" in the kitchen, and we wind up having mosts of our 'state of the union' discussion while cooking and eating.(to the point that i almost called it state of hte onion). you probably need soem "rebuilding", so start slow and take it from there. then, if these attempts don't help, take it to a counselor.

Since: Jan 10

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#16
Apr 17, 2013
 
State of the Onion. Love it.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Chicago, IL

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#17
Apr 17, 2013
 
1. Affair.

2. Talk to AA supervisor, that's what they're there for.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Des Plaines, IL

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#18
Apr 17, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
State of the Onion. Love it.
it was always the onion pacific rail road when we played monopoly too...

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