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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Dec 3, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: My conscience is bothering me. Two years ago, I divorced my husband of five years. It was a second marriage for both of us. We loved each other, but our marriage was deeply troubled.

I frequently caught him lying. He had many inappropriate relationships with other women. His spending was out of control, putting me in serious financial jeopardy.

Worst of all, during a two-year period of our marriage and on five occasions, he was physically abusive. Not a slap or a shove, but full-out rage. I thought he would kill me.

Fast forward to today: He and I continue to be close. We see each other frequently and have a lively sexual relationship. I have no illusions about his other activities and have always assumed that he is dating other women, as I have been dating other men.

Still, I was shocked to learn that he has been in a serious relationship with a lovely young woman. I looked her up on social media, and I can tell she is head over heels in love with him.

He has told me they are talking about marriage and children, although he is conflicted (about me). While she knows about our continued "friendship," she has no idea how entrenched we continue to be, nor does she know that he has been sexually intimate with me the entire time he was courting her. Further, she does not know that he owes thousands of dollars on credits cards and has not filed his taxes in two years. Creditors call me daily looking for him. Clearly, he also has not told her about his history with domestic violence.

As a mother, I feel protective of her innocence and cluelessness about him. She seems to want children and the white picket fence. I believe he will ruin her life. What obligation do I have to share any of this information with her? I don't know what to do.-- Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED: I cannot imagine remaining in a relationship with someone you (at one time) feared would kill you. This is a dangerous choice.

Because of the overwhelming quantity and severity of your ex-husband's issues, yes, this woman should be told about him. Obviously, because this man is violent, you need to figure out a way to warn her while protecting yourself. Doing this anonymously might be best.

This presents an opportunity for you to take a fresh look at someone who presents risk to your emotional and physical well-being. Divorce was a great idea; now you should leave the rest of the relationship.

DEAR AMY: About three years ago, my husband and I gave an antique vase that had been in the family to our son and daughter-in-law, who had just moved into a new house.

We recently saw this vase in our daughter-in-law's parents' home. We said nothing but feel uncomfortable about it. What should we do?-- Hurt

DEAR HURT: Once you give a gift to someone, the object belongs to the recipient, and the recipient can choose what to do with the gift.

Given this, the only thing you truly own in this scenario is the right to your own feelings. You describe this vase as a family antique, and I can imagine it is tough to see that it has strayed from your son's home.

You should express yourself, without expecting any particular action or reaction. You say to your son and daughter-in-law, "We were surprised to see Aunt Matilda's antique vase at the in-laws' house, but we are happy it seems to have found a good home. We do wish you had let us know that you planned to regift it, however."

DEAR AMY: "Turned Off" was annoyed at her niece, who was having a small, private wedding but had invited family to a larger (gift-receiving) reception. This aunt needs to be reminded that this wedding is not for or about her, but for and about the marrying couple. If she doesn't like this arrangement, she should stay away.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: I agree.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Dec 3, 2013
 

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1- Number one, you sound jealous. Number two, whorecon2. I'll bet you've been sleeping with him while you yourself was in a relationship. And I love how Amy just kinda glossed over your sluttyness. Leave this dude alone, move on.

2- Your son was wrong. That is a family heirloom and should remain in the blood family. Ask for it back.

3- Navy blue

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Dec 3, 2013
 

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1 I have to laugh and weep, you say your a mother, but you have a "lively sexual relationship" with a physically abusive man, who you know is in a relationship with someone else. Yeah, your mom of the year material you are!
Give the creditors the GF name and address, they will do the rest.

Oh, and you dont have a conscience, if you did you would have closed your legs long ago.

2 Heirlooms = Backsies make them give it back.

3 The wedding does not cost per head, the reception does. If you dont want me to witness your marriage, dont ask me to celebrate it later.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
Dec 3, 2013
 

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And besides, I dont think you can be physically denied entrance to the church. Ejected maybe, but if you want to enter and sit in polite silence while some ritual is played out WTF?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#5
Dec 3, 2013
 
Did your son know this vase had some sentmental value to you or that it was considered a cherished heirloom. It coud be that they viewed it simply as a gift. One that did not go with anything in their house. Personally, I don't like when people gift me with home decor. If i don't like it, its going in a closet and eventually, goodwill.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#6
Dec 3, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
And besides, I dont think you can be physically denied entrance to the church. Ejected maybe, but if you want to enter and sit in polite silence while some ritual is played out WTF?
was it specified that the wedding was in a church?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#7
Dec 3, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
1 I have to laugh and weep, you say your a mother, but you have a "lively sexual relationship" with a physically abusive man, who you know is in a relationship with someone else. Yeah, your mom of the year material you are!
Give the creditors the GF name and address, they will do the rest.
Oh, and you dont have a conscience, if you did you would have closed your legs long ago.
2 Heirlooms = Backsies make them give it back.
3 The wedding does not cost per head, the reception does. If you dont want me to witness your marriage, dont ask me to celebrate it later.
I'd not be insulted at all. In fact, I'd rather go to reception if i could only choose .

I've actually missed 2 ceremonies but arrived in time for reception.(Once due to emergency work csll, another due to simple tardiness)

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#8
Dec 3, 2013
 
LW1: Wow, and you never once got him evaluated for a mental illness? Dude sounds bi-polar to me.

I like RACE's advice re the creditors and forgodssake, stop sleeping with him.

LW2: If you want to know how the vase ended up at the in-laws THEN F*CKING ASK THEM! Amy's stupid script assumes lots of facts not in evidence, so instead of blowing this all out of proportion, just ask.

LW3: Black

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#9
Dec 3, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
Personally, I don't like when people gift me with home decor. If i don't like it, its going in a closet and eventually, goodwill.
Ditto this. It's almost always horribly off.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#10
Dec 3, 2013
 
But you're choosing, not having the choice made for you.
The lw was not invited to the wedding and felt excluded from what they considered to be in important part of the wedding day, and considered invite to the reception as just a gift grab.

Even though I played like I cared, unless I am tight with either the bride or groom, I really dont care.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I'd not be insulted at all. In fact, I'd rather go to reception if i could only choose .
I've actually missed 2 ceremonies but arrived in time for reception.(Once due to emergency work csll, another due to simple tardiness)

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

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#11
Dec 3, 2013
 

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L1: There's so much wrong with this scenario that there's no point in me trying to comment.

L2: Amy's advice is to be passive-aggressive. I like squishy's advice much better.

L3: Oh goody, we're bringing back the panty report! Light blue.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#12
Dec 3, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
And besides, I dont think you can be physically denied entrance to the church. Ejected maybe, but if you want to enter and sit in polite silence while some ritual is played out WTF?
We had a smaller wedding with about 40 people, mostly immediate family and very close friends. Both our parents had receptions for us a few weeks later, one in my hometown, the other in his which is bout 00 miles away.

Some friends who were not actually invited came to the ceremony. I was touched that they made the effort. As it happened Bob, one of eh downstairs neighbors, actually took nicer candid photos than the wedding photographer.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#13
Dec 3, 2013
 

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L1 has a regular booty call with someone who she knows is violent. If the new GF finds out, ex husband will suspect her as the source.

I suppose Drew Peterson had to find someone to date...

L2. It was an ugly vase that you didn't want anymore. You had no idea that your some was not attached to it and you had no idea that it did not go with their taste.

If you got it back where would you put it? Back in the closet where it came from?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Dec 3, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
But you're choosing, not having the choice made for you.
The lw was not invited to the wedding and felt excluded from what they considered to be in important part of the wedding day, and considered invite to the reception as just a gift grab.
Even though I played like I cared, unless I am tight with either the bride or groom, I really dont care.
<quoted text>
I don't see it that way at all. Receptions cost money. More than the ceremony. If the couple just wants stuff, they would save their money and not have a reception.

Guests get something outta the reception. A party and a good time. To me, a gift grab is when there is nothing in it for the potential gift giver...like sending out wedding announcements.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#15
Dec 3, 2013
 
But it's not all about Tonka.
The LW was quite clear on how they perceived the situation.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I don't see it that way at all. Receptions cost money. More than the ceremony. If the couple just wants stuff, they would save their money and not have a reception.
Guests get something outta the reception. A party and a good time. To me, a gift grab is when there is nothing in it for the potential gift giver...like sending out wedding announcements.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#16
Dec 3, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
But it's not all about Tonka.
The LW was quite clear on how they perceived the situation.
<quoted text>
i have no idea how lw percievrd it. I wad responding to you. You said gift grab. Did lw call it a gift grab?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#17
Dec 3, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: "Turned Off" was annoyed at her niece, who was having a small, private wedding but had invited family to a larger (gift-receiving) reception.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>i have no idea how lw percievrd it. I wad responding to you. You said gift grab. Did lw call it a gift grab?
liner

Bellport, NY

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#18
Dec 3, 2013
 
L1: You ARE kidding. Right?
L2: If this was an ugly old vase that nobody wanted would be one thing. If, however, it was truly an antique vase that's been in the family for generations, you definitely need to ask your son to get it back and either keep it or give it back to you. Pronto.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#19
Dec 3, 2013
 
liner wrote:
L1: You ARE kidding. Right?
L2: If this was an ugly old vase that nobody wanted would be one thing. If, however, it was truly an antique vase that's been in the family for generations, you definitely need to ask your son to get it back and either keep it or give it back to you. Pronto.
what if it wad both? And ugly old vase that no one wanted that had been in the family for generations.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#20
Dec 3, 2013
 
I dont think it would have made it to being "old" a previous generation would have gotten rid of it.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>what if it wad both? And ugly old vase that no one wanted that had been in the family for generations.

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