“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Mar 16, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for five years. I have a close friend, "Louise," who was also close to my late husband. She promised him on his deathbed she would "take care of me" when he was gone.

Well, she has taken it to the extreme. She became very controlling and didn't want me doing anything without her. I went along with it to keep the peace until about a year ago, when I met a wonderful man I'll call Bill.

Bill recently moved into my home. Louise says he has no right to live with me here because my late husband had it built and I have no right to let anyone else stay here. Now she refuses to visit. People have repeated to me some of the awful things she has called Bill. We have had many arguments over the hurtful things she has said in my presence.

Bill feels bad about this. He hasn't said or done anything to deserve the treatment Louise is dishing out and has encouraged me to try and work it out. Any advice on how to handle this very stressful situation?-- WIDOW IN SALEM, N.J.

DEAR WIDOW: Yes. Stop trying to appease Louise. She has gone beyond "taking care of you" and is trying to dictate the way you live your life. Bill means well, but you have already tried to get Louise to accept the situation. Because she refuses, perhaps it's time to move on.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a bind when it comes to hostess gifts. I know nothing about wine and am not much interested in learning because most of my friends and I don't drink. I am also allergic to flowers and perfumes, so I would never give anyone flowers, soaps or candles, because if I did I would have to leave the party early.

This leaves me confused as to what is appropriate. Could I give a nice jar of high-quality spice or are there better options?-- IN THE DARK ABOUT HOSTESS GIFTS

DEAR IN THE DARK: A box of assorted chocolates might be nice, if your hosts are sweet-eaters, or matching small- and medium-sized picture frames, or a box of note cards and matching envelopes. However, unless you are certain the spice you select is one your hosts might use, I don't recommend it as a house gift.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mother supporting four children with no help from my ex-husband. I am fortunate to have a good job that I like. I referred a friend to the company who has since become a regular employee, and he seems to be happy here.

I was recently told that I'll be receiving a referral bonus, which was a pleasant surprise. My friend approached me and asked me point-blank to split the money with him! I was taken aback. He knows my situation. He has a wife who also works full time, and two kids.

I think he has a lot of gall to put me in a spot like this. The bonus money will be a huge help to me, and I don't think it's right that he expects me to give half of it to him. How do I handle this while keeping our work relationship intact?-- EXTORTED IN NEVADA

DEAR EXTORTED: Ignore your co-worker's question. If the subject is raised again, laugh and tell him you thought he was joking. If he says he wasn't, remind him how hard jobs are to find and tell him he's lucky you didn't ask HIM for a referral fee. You don't owe him anything; he owes YOU his gratitude.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Mar 16, 2014
1. Louise is just plain weird. She sounds like a frustrated helicopter parent.

2. Find a gourmet grocery store or a year round locavore farmers market. Stick to on things like cute bottles of strange vinegar or jams.. Wrap nicely and use that. Everyone has received a jar of jalapeno gooseberry jam or pomegranate vinegar. It sits in the back cupboard for 15 years and is then thrown out.

3. That took balls. Abby's suggestion is good.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#3 Mar 16, 2014
1: She refuses to visit! Problem solved.
Honestly, I can't believe you let it go on this long, idiot.

2: I hate the obligatory gift, grrr.....I hate how everyone wants to bring wine. I don't drink and will never pay money for alcohol for another.
Flowers are cute (she'd really have to leave early?--I get allergies, I do, but flowers are everywhere.....)

3: I'm sorry but I'm sick of the [single mom, 500 kids, deadbeat guy I chose to marry] card. Stop with the sympathy-garnering, single moms!
Our answer would be the same if you were solo and not struggling. It's your money; keep it.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#4 Mar 16, 2014
1. What is wrong with folks. When did setting boundaries become such an effort. Why did you go along with Louise in the first place. Learn to say no.

2. Good grief! You can't figure out something as a simple hostess gift for yourself. Pathetic.

3. Perhaps you should have used your THINKING brain before you CHOSE to have four kids. You never had an inkling that they would be expensive?? As for giving the co-worker half of your referral fee, a plain "no" is a complete sentence. For heavens sake if you can't even say no to the co-worker how are you going to set boundaries elsewhere.

Oh, I forgot, you don't know HOW to set boundaries, you are a single mother with FOUR kids.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#5 Mar 16, 2014
LW1: Your mistake was ever going along with this. You have outgrown Louise now, thankfully, so buh-bye! Wish her well and carry on.

LW2: Put together a fruit basket, a bread basket, or an assortment of crackers and cheese.

LW3: The money is yours to keep. Take Abby's advice.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#6 Mar 16, 2014
LW1 isn't giving New Jersey a bad name--but Louise is. Recommend Lw1 let go of Louise and keep Bill.

LW2 may as well ask the host and lay the cards on the table.(If the
host says that saying"thank you" is enough believe him/her.)

LW3 should listen to Kuuipo and Abby.(If that so-called friend asks for money again, couldn't blame her if she presents him with some bills and sweetly says, "I'll be happy to split some of these with you.")

:)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Mar 16, 2014
1 Fine, dump your friendship for a guy. Typical

2 If you go to a real wine store, the employees and offer excellent suggestions.

3 I would have laughed right in his face. And the idea of hitting him up for a referral fee is a good ont.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#8 Mar 16, 2014
Oh, for the love of...

"Dear Abby, what should I do about someone controlling my life?"

"Dear Abby, what should I give as a gift?"

"Dear Abby, a co worker asked for money." ( And what chunzy said)

How do these people manage in everyday life?

Since: Oct 09

United States

#9 Mar 16, 2014
_Annabella_ wrote:
1. What is wrong with folks. When did setting boundaries become such an effort. Why did you go along with Louise in the first place. Learn to say no.
2. Good grief! You can't figure out something as a simple hostess gift for yourself. Pathetic.
3. Perhaps you should have used your THINKING brain before you CHOSE to have four kids. You never had an inkling that they would be expensive?? As for giving the co-worker half of your referral fee, a plain "no" is a complete sentence. For heavens sake if you can't even say no to the co-worker how are you going to set boundaries elsewhere.
Oh, I forgot, you don't know HOW to set boundaries, you are a single mother with FOUR kids.
Excuse me, but what about her ex-husband? He is equally responsible for the children and for having four of them. Maybe the two of the together made excellent money and they could afford the kids. Maybe she felt secure in that since she was married. Most people who are married don't assume they'll be divorced. You DO realize that she had a husband's help in having kids, she didn't do it on her own? And where is your equal condemnation of the husband for not stepping up and supporting his own children that he also chose to have and that he's equally responsible for creating? Oh, that's right, it's ALL the woman's fault, all the time, and she's always the only one responsible. Silly me, I forgot.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#10 Mar 16, 2014
Judge Janie wrote:
Excuse me, but what about her ex-husband? He is equally responsible for the children and for having four of them. Maybe the two of the together made excellent money and they could afford the kids. Maybe she felt secure in that since she was married. Most people who are married don't assume they'll be divorced. You DO realize that she had a husband's help in having kids, she didn't do it on her own? And where is your equal condemnation of the husband for not stepping up and supporting his own children that he also chose to have and that he's equally responsible for creating? Oh, that's right, it's ALL the woman's fault, all the time, and she's always the only one responsible. Silly me, I forgot.
Why do you always turn it around back on the man? Maybe his wife won't let him see the kids? Does the man always have to be at fault?

Hi, Annabella! Are you nekkid?

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#11 Mar 16, 2014
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
Excuse me, but what about her ex-husband? He is equally responsible for the children and for having four of them. Maybe the two of the together made excellent money and they could afford the kids. Maybe she felt secure in that since she was married. Most people who are married don't assume they'll be divorced. You DO realize that she had a husband's help in having kids, she didn't do it on her own? And where is your equal condemnation of the husband for not stepping up and supporting his own children that he also chose to have and that he's equally responsible for creating? Oh, that's right, it's ALL the woman's fault, all the time, and she's always the only one responsible. Silly me, I forgot.
Bah humbug. Of course, they share equal responsibility. However, she CHOSE to have FOUR children with this creep. And yes, the woman is SOLELY responsible for HER body. No-one made her have children. It's about time women stopped blaming men for everything.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#12 Mar 16, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Why do you always turn it around back on the man? Maybe his wife won't let him see the kids? Does the man always have to be at fault?
Hi, Annabella! Are you nekkid?
Not yet, but for you I could be.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#13 Mar 16, 2014
LW1: Oh for Pete's sake. Louise is a lunatic, controlling beeyotch.
GTFU and Lose Her asap.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#14 Mar 17, 2014
_Annabella_ wrote:
Not yet, but for you I could be.
Woohoo! Come on over!

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#15 Mar 17, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Woohoo! Come on over!
You didn't answer your door.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#16 Mar 17, 2014
_Annabella_ wrote:
You didn't answer your door.
I'm at work right now, come over later

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#17 Mar 18, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm at work right now, come over later
Be sure to answer your door this time.

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