“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#21 Oct 11, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
Families where a step-parent is not respected or not allowed to make rules will hurt the children and the adults' relationship on the long run.
I'm in no way suggesting that step parents are not to be respected, but I'm being a realist. If I am a teen and have a new step-dad, while I am not saying I would not respect him, I am saying, I would never consider him an equal to my mother as far as authority over me. If my mother issue some directive I did not agree with (your grounded, you lose your driving privileges, etc) I would not think to go to the step-father to plead my case. My battle would be with my mother. Period. Flip that to the step parent doing that, and I would not hesitate to plead my case as to why he was being un-reasonable.

That, to me, is real life and with that line of thinking, as the step-parent, I'd want peace and harmony in my home, so any kind of discipline I wanted to dole out would have to be with her blessing. She might be my wife, but her children will always be first.

Its similar to the way I see the in-law relationship. I will never do anything to strain the relationship between my wife and her family. I consider her to be the primary point person in the relationship between our family and them. Similarly, I would not want her taking any action toward my parents that would cause a problem. Let me handle any unpleasantness concerning them.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#22 Oct 11, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
My kid is 10 and I STILL have to remind her to put her napkin on her lap and stuff like that.
Is that really a big deal? Do you do that at home? Growing up as well as now, we have a napkin holder in the middle of the table. If you need one, you take one. And really, its for cleaning your hands. I've never put a napkin in my lap at home.

Growing up, on the rare occasion we went out to dinner, it was the family casual type places(Red Lobster, Sizzler). Same practice as at home. And as surprising as it was for Chel to hear about waiters placing napkins on your lap, I think it might have been on a cruise after I was well out of school that I first had a napkin on my lap...the waiter in the dining room on cruises typically lays your napkin across your lap.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#23 Oct 11, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Our game when I was growing up was, if we forgot to put our napkin on our lap, we had to go in the living room and count to 100 out loud before we could eat. We loved to catch each other, especially if we caught mom or dad!
I guess this answers my question about whether you do this at home.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#25 Oct 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>And consulting with her on matters regarding the kids somehow ruins that effort?

cheluzal wrote, "If she were teaching them responsibility an stuff, they would have basic etiquette.
"

What do you consider to be basic etiquette? I hear etiquette (at least as it pertains to dinner table behavior), and I think of place settings and formality. I don't see how that is in any way related to responsibility.
Dinner etiquette means basic table manners. No chewing with your mouth open, no cell phones at the table, no picking your nose while eating dinner, etc.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#26 Oct 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I'm in no way suggesting that step parents are not to be respected, but I'm being a realist. If I am a teen and have a new step-dad, while I am not saying I would not respect him, I am saying, I would never consider him an equal to my mother as far as authority over me. If my mother issue some directive I did not agree with (your grounded, you lose your driving privileges, etc) I would not think to go to the step-father to plead my case. My battle would be with my mother. Period. Flip that to the step parent doing that, and I would not hesitate to plead my case as to why he was being un-reasonable.

That, to me, is real life and with that line of thinking, as the step-parent, I'd want peace and harmony in my home, so any kind of discipline I wanted to dole out would have to be with her blessing. She might be my wife, but her children will always be first.

Its similar to the way I see the in-law relationship. I will never do anything to strain the relationship between my wife and her family. I consider her to be the primary point person in the relationship between our family and them. Similarly, I would not want her taking any action toward my parents that would cause a problem. Let me handle any unpleasantness concerning them.
Not like an in-law relationship. In the successful marriages that I have seen involving step kids, the parents make it clear that they are a team and that all parents will work together to raise the children. Step or not, they are now a family.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#27 Oct 11, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
Dinner etiquette means basic table manners. No chewing with your mouth open, no cell phones at the table, no picking your nose while eating dinner, etc.
Still, I don't see any of those being tied to responsibility as in "if she is teaching them responsibility, she is teaching them basic etiquette".

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#28 Oct 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
As such, I would not start correcting them or throwing my authority around without talking to mom first.
Wuss. I don't care who's kids you are. You're at my table, you're following my etiquette rules.

Dude can't open his mouth and lay down the law at the dinner table, how does he expect the kids to obey him anywhere else?

If he's gonna be a Sally who writes Abby, the kids will walk all over him. He needs to dig into his purse and find his balls.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#29 Oct 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Still, I don't see any of those being tied to responsibility as in "if she is teaching them responsibility, she is teaching them basic etiquette".
Then you're an idiot. Teaching "responsibility" covers everything from table manners, to leaving a note when you ding a car, to paying for child support or an abortion to, telling the cops where you buried the body to, etc... Well you get the point.

Now I need to go to confession...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#30 Oct 11, 2013
And as someone who was brought up in my later teen years by a step father and mother, I was more worried about pzzing HIM off than I was my mother. I can personally say that I think Tonka is underestimating a step father's role in the household.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#31 Oct 11, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
If you come in contact with a kid you have a responsibility to model good behavior. There are ways to prompt table manners that does not embarrass the kid nor implicitly criticize a parent.
Yes, I know. I make a living doing it. I never advocated embarrassment.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#32 Oct 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
And consulting with her on matters regarding the kids somehow ruins that effort?
Please point out where I said that.
What do you consider to be basic etiquette? I hear etiquette (at least as it pertains to dinner table behavior), and I think of place settings and formality. I don't see how that is in any way related to responsibility.
It did in my family. We were NOT allowed to chew with our mouths open, or smack, or talk with food in our mouth. See, our parents used their words to let us know eating like vultures was not acceptable.
We were told this lady teaches responsibility so it stands to reason that would extend to their displays of bestial dining behavior, which it oddly does not.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#33 Oct 11, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
Not like an in-law relationship. In the successful marriages that I have seen involving step kids, the parents make it clear that they are a team and that all parents will work together to raise the children. Step or not, they are now a family.
Word. It's how a MARRIAGE works. A good marriage model is important for kids to see. It fosters confidence.
You can't move someone in under the roof, have sex with them in your shared bed, have kids maybe share rooms, and then not take it all the way.
Your job is to raise decent kids who become decent adults, then you set them free....then you're stuck with that person, so you have to cultivate that relationship.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#35 Oct 15, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> I guess this answers my question about whether you do this at home.
Of course we do. It's never going to stick with them if you just enforce it when youn ahppen to be out. Consistancy makes a difference. And table manners are table manners. Why shouldn't we expect them at home with our family?

As I see it, it's my responsibility to teach these things so that, when my daughter grows up, she can conduct herself properly and respectfully.

And who wants other people's dirty, used napkins sitting on the table, anyway?

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#36 Oct 15, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> Is that really a big deal? Do you do that at home? Growing up as well as now, we have a napkin holder in the middle of the table. If you need one, you take one. And really, its for cleaning your hands. I've never put a napkin in my lap at home.
Growing up, on the rare occasion we went out to dinner, it was the family casual type places(Red Lobster, Sizzler). Same practice as at home. And as surprising as it was for Chel to hear about waiters placing napkins on your lap, I think it might have been on a cruise after I was well out of school that I first had a napkin on my lap...the waiter in the dining room on cruises typically lays your napkin across your lap.
So at a restaurant (even a casual one), you don't put your napkin in your lap? Really? I find that very odd.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#37 Oct 15, 2013
*and Tonka, I don't mean that in a mean way. I just never heard of that.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#38 Oct 15, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
So at a restaurant (even a casual one), you don't put your napkin in your lap? Really? I find that very odd.
Cloth napkin *usually* gets draped across on knee. Usually. Paper? I've never put a paper napkin on my lap, home or out. And we use paper at home. Additionally, I don't NEED a napkin every meal. I have many a meal where my hands/mouth never get dirty. At home, where there is the napkin holder on the table, I don't take one unless the need arises.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#39 Oct 15, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
*and Tonka, I don't mean that in a mean way. I just never heard of that.
likewise, i've never known/seen anyone do that at home.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#40 Oct 15, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
So at a restaurant (even a casual one), you don't put your napkin in your lap? Really? I find that very odd.
Not here either. I might do it at a really fine dining establishment. But generally, we're only eating at decent chains when we eat out (you know, Bonefish Grill or Biaggis type places) and it's not something I do or see that other patrons tend to do.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#41 Oct 15, 2013
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
Not here either. I might do it at a really fine dining establishment. But generally, we're only eating at decent chains when we eat out (you know, Bonefish Grill or Biaggis type places) and it's not something I do or see that other patrons tend to do.
Huh. And I would never think of doing otherwise! If there is a napkin, paper or cloth (except maybe at a fast food place), it's in my lap. Even at work! I guess my parents really ingrained it!

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#42 Oct 15, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Cloth napkin *usually* gets draped across on knee. Usually. Paper? I've never put a paper napkin on my lap, home or out. And we use paper at home. Additionally, I don't NEED a napkin every meal. I have many a meal where my hands/mouth never get dirty. At home, where there is the napkin holder on the table, I don't take one unless the need arises.
And wht if you drop something in your lap, you won't have a napkin to protect your clothes! Huh, huh?:D

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