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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Feb 6, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have no one I can talk to regarding an incident that took place 21 years ago.

My ex-husband and I had a terribly tumultuous relationship. One night, he was drunk (the norm for him) and became very physical sexually. I tried to fight him off, but he raped me.

I was injured and not able to go to work the next day. I never brought it up again until this past year.

I am now happily married to another man (18 years), and my ex and I have tried to be friends because of our children and grandchildren.

Suddenly, my ex divorced his wife and started calling me "just to talk"! Then he started in with how much he still loved me! I told him that I would not accept his calls if he continued with this sort of talk.

One day last year he called -- drunk as usual. I finally told him I didn't want to have contact with him because he had raped me.

I have never told anyone about this incident. Now I am angry. To make this even worse, he is denying it. He told our two grown adult children about my accusation and told them I am crazy. I told him he had no right to discuss this with them. I have anger issues now, partly because my children still seem to want to be around him.

I almost feel betrayed because they know their father raped me. While it was a secret, everything was fine. Now, how do I get over this? How do I feel close to my children again?-- Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: Much of what you are experiencing is common to sexual assault survivors. Now that you have disclosed what happened to you, the anger and hurt has bubbled up. You cannot avoid these feelings; you must deal with them.

From what you report, your ex-husband is still trying to control you (by disclosing this to your kids and continuing to contact you when you have told him not to). The statute of limitations may have passed on a rape charge, but if he persists, you should get a restraining order.

Please seek professional help. A therapist will guide you through your anger and sadness.

You cannot control your kids' choice to have a relationship with their father. He may be a rapist (and a drunk), but he is their father, and that is their problem to deal with, not yours.

DEAR AMY: Recently my sister and I went out to an R-rated movie. Someone else brought a child along who could have been no more than 10 years old.

The movie had graphic sex scenes and nudity along with graphic violence and language.

I would not have allowed my teenagers to see this movie.

I feel that movies are rated R for a reason. There should be a law to prevent younger kids from seeing inappropriate material even when their parents accompany them.

Is there a way I can approach these parents and voice my concern about what they are allowing their kids to view on the big screen?-- Sincerely Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: Voicing your views publicly to a parent who makes such poor choices is unwise (especially in front of the child). I agree with you that some parents don't seem to imagine the impact of such media on their children. Among other consequences, their kids may grow up to be the kind of parents who expose young kids to inappropriate media.

DEAR AMY: I think you didn't go far enough in your reply to "Furious" about the grandmother who gave her 15-year-old granddaughter a vibrator and asked her to keep it a secret.

If this was a grandfather (instead of a grandmother), your answer would have been different. This is obvious "grooming" behavior of a sexual predator.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: I've heard from many readers reminding me that female family members can also be sexual predators. My advice was to limit any private interaction because this grandmother was not trustworthy.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Feb 6, 2014
1 You need to learn to separate your anger at your X and your disappointment with your kids. Your kids love their dad, and what happened to you does not change their feelings for him. NOr can you expect it to. But you can be disappointed that it does not.

2 Parents are stupid. These are the same parents that let their kids play video games during a funeral.

3 Nice way to ignore the point that your advise WOULD have been different if it were gramps. You would not label the grandfather as simply "untrustworthy". You would have screamed for blood.
Pony up to your hypocrisy.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Feb 6, 2014
I have nothing to add to Race and Amy.

Carry on.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Feb 6, 2014
LW1: Just have no contact with the guy. I honestly wouldn't focus so much on getting your kids to take your side in the issue. If you discuss it with them, mention that you understand the father mentioned the incident, tell them that you wish he had not, and tell them that it is between him and you and that you don't think it's appropriate to discuss it with them or put them in a position where they feel conflicted or the need to pick sides.

LW2: MYOB

LW3: It is odd and creepy that an older relative would take such an interest in a minor's sex life in the first place. Buying them a sex toy ... on top of such interest ... is just outrageous.

I think Amy is completely clueless and a hypocrite. Had it been a grandfather who did it, there is no way she would have said, just don't leave such a granddaughter unsupervised.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Feb 6, 2014
L1: Get to counseling to deal with the anger. Tell your kids it was something between you and your ex, the fact that he is including them into a dispute between you two means you do not want any contact with their father. Then don't have contact with him. That's it. If they want to have contact with him, it is their choice. Don't say anything further to them about the man.

L2: You can't tell a stranger how to raise their children. Zip it and worry about your own family. They would not listen anyways.

L3: I'm sick of this rehash.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#6 Feb 6, 2014
LW2 - MYOB! I have to say one of the happiest days of my life was the day my middle kid (13 or 14 I think?) looked old enough to get into "Romeo Must Die" without ME having to sit through that particular Hip-Hop-Kung-Fu-Plotless-Wonde r! Me, I went to the theater next door for the sad & wonderful "Cider House Rules." Bliss! Of course, that kid was watching Freddy Krueger flicks with her dad since she was a toddler - and she's grown into a happy, responsible, functional adult who has always been able to distinguish between "pretend" and real life!

LW3 - More equivalent of a granddad giving a grandson a girly mag, especially if the kid has prudish, er, "conservative" parents. BTW, I sort of picture grandma & granddaughter spending a day at the mall, going into Spencers, and giggling over the (cheap, "novelty", "personal massagers") and grandma springing for one and saying, "Shhhh, don't tell your mom!"
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Feb 6, 2014
1: I have conflicted feelings about this letter. On the one hand, I know it is a situation between the lw and her ex and it should not concern the children. But HE told the kids and they don't seem to think anything of it. I wish she HAD told someone about it at the time but I'm not sure when the laws about domestic violence changed and rape by a spouse became "rape" in a legal sense and not just considered sex between a husband and wife. If it happened before the laws changed, it may not have done much good anyway. I think I would feel betrayed by my kids if something like this happened to me and they didn't at least find their dad's past behavior wrong. But of course they way he told it, it didn't happen and has made the lw into the bad person.

Another thing at issue is that the event took place so long ago that he can no longer be prosecuted. However, I wonder whether he's done this again. I guess I'm thinking about a pedophile getting away with his crime and this lw's ex getting away with his crime leaving him free to do this again to another woman in his life. So the plus side of his telling his kids about the lw's accusation is that the kids have been put on notice about his proclivities and if any other woman accuses him of this kind of thing, they're more likely to believe her.

Meanwhile, there isn't much the lw can do in regard to her children other than maintain the truth of the matter if THEY bring it up. She certainly should see a therapist to help her through this. I was speaking to a person who came to our school to talk to kids about how to protect themselves from such situations. She was a licensed therapist and she told me that it was not unusual for people who had been molested/raped to not tell anyone for years. They often were very scarred by the event(s) yet thought they were doing fine. She said they could still be helped by talking with a therapist even years later. It sounds like this lw could use that kind of help.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#8 Feb 6, 2014
But the LW did not ask about equivalent. And I have to disagree, I dont see this as the result of a trip to the mall.
In my dusty mind, I see a woman who's son married a very religious woman. Maybe it was his first lay, maybe she is a little too preachy, I dunno, but I think that the grandma always thought the DIL a bit prudish, so she does this passive-aggressive thing to get back at her.
VAdame wrote:
LW3 - More equivalent of a granddad giving a grandson a girly mag, especially if the kid has prudish, er, "conservative" parents. BTW, I sort of picture grandma & granddaughter spending a day at the mall, going into Spencers, and giggling over the (cheap, "novelty", "personal massagers") and grandma springing for one and saying, "Shhhh, don't tell your mom!"

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Feb 6, 2014
LW1: Contact RAINN.

LW2: "Is there a way I can approach these parents and voice my concern about what they are allowing their kids to view on the big screen?"

No.

LW3: Someone needs to change the batteries in this rehash.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#10 Feb 6, 2014
Pippa wrote:
1: I have conflicted feelings about this letter. On the one hand, I know it is a situation between the lw and her ex and it should not concern the children. But HE told the kids and they don't seem to think anything of it. I wish she HAD told someone about it at the time but I'm not sure when the laws about domestic violence changed and rape by a spouse became "rape" in a legal sense and not just considered sex between a husband and wife. If it happened before the laws changed, it may not have done much good anyway. I think I would feel betrayed by my kids if something like this happened to me and they didn't at least find their dad's past behavior wrong. But of course they way he told it, it didn't happen and has made the lw into the bad person.-----
The first laws against spousal rape came in the mid seventies. It wasn't until 1993 that all fifty states had criminalized it.
In some states it's treated the same as any rape, other states it's treated as if it's not as bad as other rapes.
As to the statute of limitations on it, that varies from state to state, as do the laws.
Blunt Advice

New York, NY

#11 Feb 6, 2014
1. Counseling and a restraining order.
2. Inappropriate, just like the frigging rehash below. But that is the rating system. R is under 17 not admitted without parent. X would be no one under 17 at all.(Lets hope they don't rent out those movies and let the kids watch) Some families are modest and some aren't.
pde

Bothell, WA

#12 Feb 6, 2014
VAdame wrote:
LW2 - MYOB! I have to say one of the happiest days of my life was the day my middle kid (13 or 14 I think?) looked old enough to get into "Romeo Must Die" without ME having to sit through that particular Hip-Hop-Kung-Fu-Plotless-Wonde r! Me, I went to the theater next door for the sad & wonderful "Cider House Rules." Bliss! Of course, that kid was watching Freddy Krueger flicks with her dad since she was a toddler - and she's grown into a happy, responsible, functional adult who has always been able to distinguish between "pretend" and real life!
We didn't go to movies much, but once VCRs became popular, and there was a local video shop, my parents got all of us kids cards there and signed forms stating that we were all allowed to rent out any type of video, no matter what the rating.(The shop didn't carry any "adult" films.)

And my mom got so sick of my brother and his horror/action flicks as a tween that she bought a second VCR to hook up to the second TV so we weren't all watching those movies in the family room.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#13 Feb 6, 2014
I'm pretty much a stickler about the movie ratings, though I've made a few exceptions. If for no other reason than "that's the rules" and I dont' want my daughter growing up believing she gets to be an exception to the rules. The exceptions I've made are: a Harry Potter or 2 that were PG13 because it was fantasy violence and I think she gets that it's not real and she isn'tscared by it. Plus, she's a heavy reader and has read a lot of stuff like that. Also, The Avengers only because it was playing poolside at the Universal Studios resort we were staying at, so I didn't have a choice. I think that's it, though. I recorded a PG version of Titanic a few weeks ago that was on TBS. She has REALLY wanted to see that, but it's PG13, so I was excited there was an edited one she can see. She was bummed she had to wait 2 more years.

And she won't let up about the Hunger Games, either.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#14 Feb 6, 2014
Ha ha - I just realized I contradicted myself by saying I don't want her to think she's an exception, but then went on to say I made these exceptions...

Maybe I just want her to have something to look forward to.:-D
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#15 Feb 6, 2014
LW1: What a sad situation. Please get professional counseling. You will then have someone to talk to and a professional can recommend ways to get rid of the anger. The anger will only drag YOU down. And block his number from your phone. Best of luck to you.

LW2: Team Toj. Never try to tell someone how to raise their kids. The theatre should not let kids under 14 in to see the type of film LW describes.

I can't stand blood-and-guts films, but I don't mind a little nudity as long as it isn't through the whole film, like "The Reader".
pde

Bothell, WA

#16 Feb 6, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
I'm pretty much a stickler about the movie ratings, though I've made a few exceptions. If for no other reason than "that's the rules" and I dont' want my daughter growing up believing she gets to be an exception to the rules. The exceptions I've made are: a Harry Potter or 2 that were PG13 because it was fantasy violence and I think she gets that it's not real and she isn'tscared by it. Plus, she's a heavy reader and has read a lot of stuff like that. Also, The Avengers only because it was playing poolside at the Universal Studios resort we were staying at, so I didn't have a choice. I think that's it, though. I recorded a PG version of Titanic a few weeks ago that was on TBS. She has REALLY wanted to see that, but it's PG13, so I was excited there was an edited one she can see. She was bummed she had to wait 2 more years.
And she won't let up about the Hunger Games, either.
But PG13 doesn't mean that kids under 13 shouldn't watch the movie. It simply means that parental guidance is recommended for those under 13 and that parents are recommended to either prescreen the movie for appropriateness or watch it with their under-13.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#17 Feb 6, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
Ha ha - I just realized I contradicted myself by saying I don't want her to think she's an exception, but then went on to say I made these exceptions...
Maybe I just want her to have something to look forward to.:-D
She wasn't being an exception, you were making your own judgement calls on the movies' ratings. That's why they have them, so the parents CAN make the call.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#18 Feb 6, 2014
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
once VCRs became popular, and there was a local video shop, my parents got all of us kids cards there and signed forms stating that we were all allowed to rent out any type of video, no matter what the rating.(The shop didn't carry any "adult" films.)
We did that with our kids too.

My opinion on this -- very much based on my memories of MY childhood -- is that most kids know the difference between "pretend" -- movies, TV shows, cartoons, etc.; and "real life" -- i.e., The NEWS! I'm thinking of the only time I ever really freaked out over something my kids were exposed to. They got out of school an hour or so before I got home from work, so they went to a neighbor's for that little bit of time. Once, when they were in 2nd grade & kindergarten (late 1994 or ealy 95), I walked in and the TV was on Inside Edition, discussing, in great & graphic detail, the Susan Smith case! I was absolutely horrified and kind of went off on my friend for letting the kids (including her own 3rd-grader!) see something like that, a mom who murdered her kids IN REAL LIFE! She said something like, aw, they're not paying attention but I don't believe that for a minute. I really, really didn't want my kids to know about shyte like that yet, and had been pretty careful to shelter them from the incessant coverage as much as I could. But you know, if it had been a movie or fictional show about the same topic, I wouldn't have been bothered at all. Because that would be just pretend, NOT "real."

Even as a little kid I certainly knew the difference between real (the news, historical shows, etc.) and fictional, and I assume my kids did as well. Violent, scary, disturbing stuff on the news always affected me a great deal -- made up things, not so much.

Remember I also went through many years of Catholic School, taught by nuns who took great delight in telling us impressionable little kids in gruesome detail *exactly what* the Romans, et al, did to "persecute" the early Christians -- some extremely gory, horrifying stuff, and of course it was all presented as "real" as well. Plus there's, ya know, the whole Crucifixion business! Stuff of nightmares, I tell ya! But I'm sure LW2 wouldn't be bothered by the movie kid watching the news, or reading the Bible. Flash of boobbie onscreen, or fake fictional murder, or the effword, oh no, gotta protect The Children from THAT!

Puh-lease!
pde

Bothell, WA

#19 Feb 6, 2014
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text> She wasn't being an exception, you were making your own judgement calls on the movies' ratings. That's why they have them, so the parents CAN make the call.
Right, the movie rating system is a parental guidance system maintained by a private entity which is voluntarily participated in by most of the industry. But movie theaters aren't obligated to enforce ratings/limit access because they are not legally enforceable. They can chose to enforce ratings, or chose to make their own rules about attendance at showings.

It's not an "making an exception" (to what?) for a parent to allow an under-13 to watch a movie rated PG-13. It's exactly what the PG-13 recommendation is supposed to do: encourage the parent to make the decision as to whether their particular child is ready to watch the material in the movie.

In fact, if the kid could get to a movie theater on his or her own, and pay for a ticket on his or her own, the reality is that the movie theater would let them buy the ticket and watch the movie. Generally they only chose to enforce the R/NC-17 restrictions, if they choose to enforce.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#20 Feb 6, 2014
Are you suggesting the the catholic church is responsible for what is shown on television?
VAdame wrote:
<quoted text>We did that with our kids too.
My opinion on this -- very much based on my memories of MY childhood -- is that most kids know the difference between "pretend" -- movies, TV shows, cartoons, etc.; and "real life" -- i.e., The NEWS! I'm thinking of the only time I ever really freaked out over something my kids were exposed to. They got out of school an hour or so before I got home from work, so they went to a neighbor's for that little bit of time. Once, when they were in 2nd grade & kindergarten (late 1994 or ealy 95), I walked in and the TV was on Inside Edition, discussing, in great & graphic detail, the Susan Smith case! I was absolutely horrified and kind of went off on my friend for letting the kids (including her own 3rd-grader!) see something like that, a mom who murdered her kids IN REAL LIFE! She said something like, aw, they're not paying attention but I don't believe that for a minute. I really, really didn't want my kids to know about shyte like that yet, and had been pretty careful to shelter them from the incessant coverage as much as I could. But you know, if it had been a movie or fictional show about the same topic, I wouldn't have been bothered at all. Because that would be just pretend, NOT "real."
Even as a little kid I certainly knew the difference between real (the news, historical shows, etc.) and fictional, and I assume my kids did as well. Violent, scary, disturbing stuff on the news always affected me a great deal -- made up things, not so much.
Remember I also went through many years of Catholic School, taught by nuns who took great delight in telling us impressionable little kids in gruesome detail *exactly what* the Romans, et al, did to "persecute" the early Christians -- some extremely gory, horrifying stuff, and of course it was all presented as "real" as well. Plus there's, ya know, the whole Crucifixion business! Stuff of nightmares, I tell ya! But I'm sure LW2 wouldn't be bothered by the movie kid watching the news, or reading the Bible. Flash of boobbie onscreen, or fake fictional murder, or the effword, oh no, gotta protect The Children from THAT!
Puh-lease!

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