“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jun 8, 2013
DEAR AMY: I was adopted as an infant and blessed with wonderful parents and an ideal childhood. The only thing missing was a sibling — I’ve always wanted a brother or sister. My parents always told me that my birth parents were a married couple who didn’t want to have children.

After my parents’ deaths, I found my birth parents. They are still married. I wrote asking for family medical information. They responded with a short letter giving me some basic medical information, which I appreciated.

They said they were relieved to know I’d had a good life and mentioned that less than two years after I was born they had another daughter, followed by two sons.

This was a shock, to say the least. Because of the undertone of fear in my birth mother’s letter, I do not believe my birth siblings know of my existence.

Many of my family and friends believe my birth siblings have a right to know they have another sister. I am not so sure. All of us are in our late 50s or early 60s. I do not know these people, and we have no history together.

I am satisfied to have some questions answered and blanks filled in. I don’t know this family’s dynamics. I have no desire to do anything to hurt my birth parents. Do my birth siblings have a right to know about me?-- DQ

DEAR DQ: I do believe that these siblings have a “right” to know that they have another sibling out in the world, and I also believe that you have a right to know, or not know, these people if you choose.

This should be completely up to you. No one else in your world has a “right” to tell you how to feel or what to do about such a complicated issue, and you will need to affirm this, firmly.

The most logical and compassionate way to approach this would be to contact your birth parents and pose these questions to them. After all, they volunteered information about siblings when you first contacted them. Obviously, there are some personal risks associated with this contact, but the rewards are potentially wonderful and affirmative for everyone.

DEAR AMY: I am getting married in October, and we are having a small wedding with close family and friends.

My father was an abusive and terrible father, and while I now talk to him about once a month, I am not close to him nor do I want to be. I do not want him at my wedding because of the stress and anxiety it would bring.

How do I kindly tell him he is not invited? Is there even a way to do that? I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t know what to say. My mother and siblings will be attending, which makes the conversation harder.-- Anxious

DEAR ANXIOUS: Many people believe that weddings convey automatic inclusion to any scoundrel you happen to be related to, but I believe that weddings are a life event where people earn their way to the table. They don’t earn their way to the table by being spectacular, but by, say, not being abusive and not being terrible.

“Decency” admits flaws and failings; it’s not that high a standard. Your father has not met this standard nor does he seem to have tried.

You say,“Dad, I’m getting married this fall. I want you to know this, but I also want you to know that we will not be inviting you. I hope you understand.”

DEAR AMY:“Confused” posed the challenging question of what to do if you realize you are gay in a straight marriage. I agree with your recommendation to be open about this.

I am a gay woman married to a straight man. We have been together for more than 20 years and have dealt with this successfully as a couple and have chosen to stay married.-- Married but Gay

DEAR MARRIED: There is no one way to be successfully married. You have found yours.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Jun 8, 2013
L1: I agree with Amy.

L2: drama! If you'd not invite him, tell him after the fact. Wy do ou even talk to him?

L3: bisexual much?
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#3 Jun 8, 2013
LW2 - Tell him that while you are willing to be civil and talk to him about once a month, you are not on the kind of terms for him to be invited to the wedding. If he throws a fit and gets abusive over the fact, you can cut ties with him. Will it really be much of a loss for you?

LW3 - I hate the vague "We have dealt with it." What does this imply? "We did it, and so can other people"? Sure, but not all things work equally well for all people. You may both have decided to stay in a sexless marriage, or to have relationships on the side, or get a bi lover; or go through the physical motions without emotions for the sake of staying together. Whatever works for you, works for you. Yay for your success. But other people may not want to remain celibate for the rest of their lives, or to have side flings, or to be a threesome, or to act straight. Your "advice" is really not helpful to anyone.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Jun 8, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: bisexual much?
Maybe not. Might not be a sexual component to the marriage at this point.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#5 Jun 8, 2013
2-“Dad, I’m getting married this fall. I want you to know this, but I also want you to know that we will not be inviting you. I hope you understand.”

I think this would be a terrible thing to say. Is he still married to your mom? If so, I don't see this going over well. It would be easier if your parents are no longer together, simply don't tell him anything. But if they are together, there are two options:

a) tell him he's not invited and your mother can deal with the fallout. Or,

b) DEAL

3- I'm sure your hubby's living the dream!

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#6 Jun 8, 2013
LW1 - I disagree. The LW has received the info she needed, the medical history. Leave things alone. The LW could already tell that the bio parents were nervous. Don't stir the pot.

LW2 - I disagree. Don't say one word to your father about the wedding. Just don't send an invitation. If you follow Amy's advice you will cause additional friction.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Jun 8, 2013
Lw1: You've gone 50 years without knowing these people. LEave it alone.

LW2: Why tell him anything? If you are not inviting him, don't invite him and don't make a big show of telling him he's not invited.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#8 Jun 8, 2013
LW1 and LW2: Team Mister Tonka.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#9 Jun 8, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW2: Why tell him anything? If you are not inviting him, don't invite him and don't make a big show of telling him he's not invited.
You, Shari, and Kuupoo don't seem to understand that it will be a little difficult to invite the mother without her husband knowing about it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Jun 8, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
You, Shari, and Kuupoo don't seem to understand that it will be a little difficult to invite the mother without her husband knowing about it.
Based on the context, I've made the assumption that the parents are not together. If they are, I don't see how he can invite mom and not dad.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#11 Jun 8, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Based on the context, I've made the assumption that the parents are not together. If they are, I don't see how he can invite mom and not dad.
Ditto.

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