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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Dec 18, 2013
DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, my husband informed me that he likes to dress in women's clothing. Since then he has read books, is seeing a counselor, and the reality is, he is transgender. He now wears his hair long and has long fingernails.

I have tried to be understanding and have gone places with him when he is dressed as a woman. He has met other transgender people who have either made the full transition or are content without it. I allow my husband time with these new friends without me. I did feel weird that he was clothes shopping and going to movies with his new friends.

I have reconciled with these activities and I'm OK with them so far. But I have told him that if he decides to change his gender to female, I will not be able to be married to him. He's on hormones at the moment and has told me he plans to start testosterone blockers.

I love him, Abby, but not the woman side of him. Am I unreasonable to put a boundary on my marriage? He thinks if he slowly eases me into the idea that it will be OK. He says I am his "world" and I should love him no matter what gender he is. Am I being selfish?-- SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR SOMEWHERE: You appear to be a loving and accepting wife. You may be your husband's world, but his world is changing -- and along with it, so is yours. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. You did not enter your marriage to be partnered with another woman, and you should not be made to feel guilty remaining with one if it's not what you want. Some spouses stay together; others just can't.

If you haven't heard of the Straight Spouse Network, it is a confidential support network of current or former heterosexual spouses or partners of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates. It was founded in 1991, and its mission is to help straight spouses or partners cope with coming-out issues, and help mixed-orientation couples and their children build bridges of understanding. To learn more about it and find a support group near you, visit www.straightspouse.org .

DEAR ABBY: I have always had an extremely close relationship with my little sister. Last year, I graduated from high school and left for university. It was hard for both of us. My college is an hour away from where my family lives, so even though I live on campus, I try to come home whenever I can to visit on weekends.

Lately it seems like my little sister has emotionally distanced herself from me. She doesn't confide in me anymore, shows little interest in my life, and it has gotten to the point where she barely acknowledges me in public. I have tried talking to her about it and telling her how much it hurts me, but she tells me I'm overreacting and to stop being stupid.

My mom says she does this with everyone and that this is typical for a 14-year-old teenager, but it breaks my heart to be so excluded from her life. Is this just a phase I have to learn to deal with and accept? What should I do?-- SAD BIG SISTER IN SWITZERLAND

DEAR BIG SISTER: Your sister is growing up, and part of that process means becoming an individual. Right now she is trying to figure out who she is, apart from the family she loves -- including you. I'm sure she isn't intentionally trying to hurt your feelings. Because you were so close, she may have felt abandoned when you left for college. Your mother is right about this. Let your sister evolve. She'll be back. Accept it for now.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Dec 18, 2013
1 Well edog, whats the answer to this? She did marry a man, who is now turning into a woman. If they stay married are they now a gay couple? Would you agree that they are indeed married in the traditional sense you always espouse?

2 What? did you skip puberty or something?
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#3 Dec 18, 2013
LW1 - Surely your spouse would not want to be married to a woman if she becomes what she truly is - female. Unless she is a gay female, of course. But if you are straight, then the marriage cannot continue. You both need to get individual and joint counseling to come to terms with the situation and move on to the divorce in the most amicable way you can manage.

LW2 - You are both growing up and becoming individuals of your own. Accept it and try to make friends that are not your sister. You can remain close without living - both emotionally and physically - in each other's pocket.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#4 Dec 18, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Well edog, whats the answer to this? She did marry a man, who is now turning into a woman. If they stay married are they now a gay couple? Would you agree that they are indeed married in the traditional sense you always espouse?
They WERE married in the traditional sense. If they STAY married, it will no longer be a traditional marriage

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Dec 18, 2013
Cass wrote:
LW1 - Surely your spouse would not want to be married to a woman if she becomes what she truly is - female. physically
She? Truly? Gimme a friggin break.*HE* is a man. Wearing dresses and taking hormones is not going to change that.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Philadelphia, PA

#6 Dec 18, 2013
Cass wrote:
LW1 - Surely your spouse would not want to be married to a woman if she becomes what she truly is - female. Unless she is a gay female, of course. But if you are straight, then the marriage cannot continue. You both need to get individual and joint counseling to come to terms with the situation and move on to the divorce in the most amicable way you can manage.
Stop calling him a she! Putting on a dress and wearing pumps does not make a man a she!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Dec 18, 2013
L2. You are way too attached to your sister. College is a time for branching out , making new friends, dating boys and not coming home every weekend.

L1 LW married a man. If it is not a man, they can be friends .

However, I am confused.

If a person is attracted to women sexually , why not stay male?
Why convert to being a gay female?

Or is gender different from sexual orientation?

In general conversation, when someone says they are transgender how do you know where they started , where they expect to end up and which pronoun to use?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Philadelphia, PA

#8 Dec 18, 2013
PEllen wrote:
Or is gender different from sexual orientation?
In general conversation, when someone says they are transgender how do you know where they started , where they expect to end up and which pronoun to use?
I really doubt most people care or give it any thought.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#9 Dec 18, 2013
PEllen wrote:
L2. You are way too attached to your sister. College is a time for branching out , making new friends, dating boys and not coming home every weekend.
L1 LW married a man. If it is not a man, they can be friends .
However, I am confused.
If a person is attracted to women sexually , why not stay male?
Why convert to being a gay female?
Or is gender different from sexual orientation?
In general conversation, when someone says they are transgender how do you know where they started , where they expect to end up and which pronoun to use?
Yes, gender identity is different than sexual orientation.
Not the same things at all.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Dec 18, 2013
So, if your a man and are sexually attracted to women, but identify as a woman, are you gay?
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Yes, gender identity is different than sexual orientation.
Not the same things at all.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Philadelphia, PA

#11 Dec 18, 2013
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Yes, gender identity is different than sexual orientation.
Not the same things at all.
Oh good, the resident expert on everything has once again graced us with her presence. Oh please share with us worthless mortals your great wisdom, oh wise one.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Dec 18, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Oh good, the resident expert on everything has once again graced us with her presence. Oh please share with us worthless mortals your great wisdom, oh wise one.
I rather think she did.

She clarified that gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things.

I didn't know that and in my circle of friends there are not a lot of people who I could ask and from whom I could expect a knowledgeable answer

Clearly you don't like Moon, but you owe it to yourself to listen to what she has to say before attacking it, and then addressing her answer rather than her person

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Dec 18, 2013
Ha! Yeah right, like that will ever happen!
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
you owe it to yourself to listen to what she has to say before attacking it, and then addressing her answer rather than her person
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#14 Dec 18, 2013
LW1: He's taking female hormones.... The handwriting is on the wall. You know what you need to do, so go find a lawyer already.

LW2: Take your sister out to a movie, the mall, wherever she wants to go and just hang out with her one-on-one. Don't pressure her to talk, just go have fun. She'll open up when she's ready.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Dec 18, 2013
L1: You're not unreasonable. You didn't fully know the person you married. How could you? Your husband wasn't even fully aware. Counselling and that support group is probably the best place to start. I do see divorce in the very near future.

L2: Your mom's right, but continue to be there for your sister. Don't take to heart her distancing herself. It's a part of life. Doesn't mean you have to distance yourself. Just b there. When she's ready, she'll share.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#16 Dec 18, 2013
RACE wrote:
Ha! Yeah right, like that will ever happen!
<quoted text>
Hope springs eternal. No sarcasm.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#17 Dec 18, 2013
PEllen wrote:
She clarified that gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things.
But if a transgendered male has sex with a woman, is he a lesbian?
PEllen wrote:
I didn't know that and in my circle of friends there are not a lot of people who I could ask and from whom I could expect a knowledgeable answer
Prolly because nobody cares but you
PEllen wrote:
Clearly you don't like Moon, but you owe it to yourself to listen to what she has to say before attacking it, and then addressing her answer rather than her person
What Race said

Moon doesn't like any of you either. She feels you're too ignorant of the REAL issues facing America, that of the LTBG (want unions with that) movement.

Here's a question: We hate the Catholic Church because of their views on abortion, gay marriage, women not being allowed to be priests....

Why don't we hear about their hatred of Islam?

Who... executes gays, force women to cover themselves in public, kill adulterers....

Anyone?...
pde

Palatine, IL

#18 Dec 18, 2013
PEllen wrote:
In general conversation, when someone says they are transgender how do you know where they started , where they expect to end up and which pronoun to use?
I don't think transgender people will usually state they are transgender in general conversation, particularly if they have been living as their identified gender for a while.

For example, I know someone who transitioned FtoM over a decade ago. I know he did, because I knew him during the process. He presents as a he to the general population (in fact, even his birth certificate/other documents have been modified) and I sincerely doubt at this point that even edog would realize that he is transgender. And it's something he's way past talking about.
pde

Palatine, IL

#19 Dec 18, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Here's a question: We hate the Catholic Church because of their views on abortion, gay marriage, women not being allowed to be priests....
Why don't we hear about their hatred of Islam?
Who... executes gays, force women to cover themselves in public, kill adulterers....
Anyone?...
Who is "we" in the above sentence?

Are you actually claiming you're Catholic? I'm not sure even the Catholic Church would be happy about that. I always assumed you were some mumble-mumble US protestant type. You definitely have misunderstood a whole lot in the Church's teachings if you're Catholic.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#20 Dec 18, 2013
1: Woah, the ultimate bait and switch. I would feel deceived and could not carry on the marriage like "normal" but that's definitely a personal decision.

2: Ahhh....the teenage years. Some of us made it through unscathed and without much angst and terror. In fact, after teaching 8th grade for 12 years, I would say the majority of kids are pretty cool.
But when they get like this [LW-like], they REALLY get like this, lol.

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