“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jun 14, 2014
DEAR AMY: A while ago I found out that my wife was texting a co-worker. She does not delete anything off her phone, but she did delete these texts to this guy (who is younger and single), making it very suspicious. This caused a major rift in our relationship, and I am slowly getting over it.

They were in frequent communication across various avenues: Words with Friends, calls on their cellphones, Facebook, etc.

Now they have ceased all communication that they used to have. They are no longer Facebook friends, no more games on their phones, no cellphone calls -- nothing!

I know that they talk frequently at work, but the lack of any communication that I can see and the change in what they used to do makes me suspicious.

I feel like they're being sneaky about this relationship, and that continues to eat at me.

We recently ran into him when we were out for the night, and he was obviously uncomfortable and left quickly.

Am I overreacting for being suspicious about this? Any time I bring it up to my wife, she minimizes their relationship and tries to make it seem like less than it is (she'll leave out details until I press for more).-- Still Suspicious

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: You were suspicious when your wife and this guy were in touch, and now that they are not in touch, you are ... suspicious.

This reveals an insidious issue in your marriage. You and your wife are circling each other when you should be driving through the heart of this.

The best way to do this is with a seasoned marriage counselor. You need clarity to tamp down your suspicions, and she needs to be honest and completely transparent about this other relationship.

DEAR AMY: My co-workers and I don't know how to handle a particular problem involving my boss. He is truly The Boss from Hell. We never know if we are saying "good morning" to Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.

It's an emotional roller-coaster ride. He yells at his employees at the top of his voice at the slightest infraction, even when there are clients in the office. He then forgets all about it. We, however, never forget being embarrassed in front of each other or clients.

He never apologizes. We've heard him tell clients that his employees are idiots. He will never admit he has a problem and thinks it's his employees who have the problem. Then he invites us to lunch for special occasions and dominates the conversation. It's all about him. We don't want to socialize with this nut.

We feel like hypocrites when we do, but we don't know how to say "no" to this man. Many of us are looking for other jobs.-- Working for a Narcissist

DEAR WORKING: Given your boss's behavior, it is surprising he has any clients left. Now that online reviews influence so many consumer choices, if a client witnesses this, he could be placing the business in jeopardy.

If someone other than your boss owns this business, then this person should be told about your boss's actions. Where I work there is a way to communicate serious concerns anonymously.

It is also possible for a brave staff member to confront the boss: "I don't like the way you yell at me; I don't want to socialize with you when I feel so disrespected." Although if your boss is a true narcissist, this would have no effect and could make things worse.

If you have no other outlets, I hope that the first among you who gets a new job gives this person an honest talking-to on the way out, followed by a written account sent to the business owner.

DEAR AMY: "Hard Working Mom" described a deadbeat dad.

I work for a construction company and thankfully work with men who have called child support services the minute they were hired to make sure their wages were garnished for their kids. Some people do the right thing, and it's important to remember that.-- Reader

DEAR READER: Fulfilling your legal obligations is definitely "the right thing" to do.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Jun 14, 2014
1- You were concerned when she was communicating with this man, and now that she ceased all communications, you're concerned? You want there to be a problem, dude, no matter what, there's a problem

2- had a boss like this once. Never again. Screw Amy's advice, contact a lawyer and file a hostile work environment suit

3- Children need their dad, not their dad's money. The vindictive ex wants dad's money
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#3 Jun 14, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- You were concerned when she was communicating with this man, and now that she ceased all communications, you're concerned? You want there to be a problem, dude, no matter what, there's a problem
2- had a boss like this once. Never again. Screw Amy's advice, contact a lawyer and file a hostile work environment suit
3- Children need their dad, not their dad's money. The vindictive ex wants dad's money
1: Absolutely. This guy has problems. I hope he gets help. Amy's suggestion of marriage counseling is the way to start.
2: I agree but I'm not sure what constitutes a "hostile work environment" from a legal standpoint. I thought it had to do with sexual harassment but this is certainly hostile from my point of view.
3: I don't have much experience with this kind of thing; so I don't know whether all parents who have to pay child support have their pay garnished to do it. I thought that only happened when the paying parent was in arrears and the garnishment was court ordered. But perhaps this is also a way to prove that child support had been paid. The other parent couldn't keep the checks without cashing them in an attempt to show the the other parent was a "deadbeat." It seems to me that would be a rare event if it ever does happen. But perhaps garnishing a parent's salary might allow the other parent to avoid contact or even move and hide from an abusive ex. Perhaps someone else here has more information to share about garnishing paychecks to pay child support.
Anyway, I agree that kids need both their parents but sometimes there's a parent who should not have contact with his/her kids until he/she cleans up his/her act. But child support needs to be paid even in those circumstances.
liner

Bellport, NY

#4 Jun 14, 2014
L3: Baloney letter. If someone is paying child support, there is no need to "garnish" their wages.

Since: Oct 09

Spearfish, SD

#5 Jun 14, 2014
liner wrote:
L3: Baloney letter. If someone is paying child support, there is no need to "garnish" their wages.
That's not true. In most states, it is an established procedure to garnish child support no matter what. What these employees are likely doing is advising the child support agency of their employment asap, as they're probably required to do. The vast majority of states now do automatic garnishments, regardless of the situation. And yes, for women as well as men; and non-custodial mothers can also be, and often are, "deadbeats", my BIL's ex being one of them. Of course, she never showed much interest in seeing her own children, either, too busy dealing drugs or screwing her flavor of the week. Being a "deadbeat" has little to do with gender and everything to do with character.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#6 Jun 14, 2014
LW1: The problem is that LW's wife is still working with the man who she was texting. LW's suspicions may or may not be justified. For all we know, LW's wife could have a secret phone or a secret FB account. Or not. Maybe she truly cleaned up her act and LW refuses to believe it. Definitely get some marriage counseling and try to truly move past this rough spot.

LW2: Like edog, I also had a boss like this. Fortunately, she was let go after her outrageous behavior was called to the attention of HR. You have two choices apart from filing that hostile work environment lawsuit; 1) learn to not let your boss' comments ruin your day, and 2) get another job. If I had to make that choice today, I'd go for #2.

LW3: Fortunately, in many states, it is becoming very hard to be a deadbeat dad. My co-worker's ex-husband thought he'd beaten the system by laying low and being paid under the table until his kids turned 18, but after he got a regular job, in Texas, the great state of California garnished his wages and started sending her checks for the back child support he owed her!! I was in the office when she opened that first check and she was blown away.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#7 Jun 14, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- You were concerned when she was communicating with this man, and now that she ceased all communications, you're concerned? You want there to be a problem, dude, no matter what, there's a problem
This.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#8 Jun 14, 2014
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not true. In most states, it is an established procedure to garnish child support no matter what. What these employees are likely doing is advising the child support agency of their employment asap, as they're probably required to do. The vast majority of states now do automatic garnishments, regardless of the situation. And yes, for women as well as men; and non-custodial mothers can also be, and often are, "deadbeats", my BIL's ex being one of them. Of course, she never showed much interest in seeing her own children, either, too busy dealing drugs or screwing her flavor of the week. Being a "deadbeat" has little to do with gender and everything to do with character.
Thanks for the information. I thought it was only when parents are in arrears that their pay is garnished but thought that might not be the case since the lw seemed to think his employees were being good parents by signing up for it. I think it's a way to make sure the child support is paid on a regular basis and perhaps to cut down on all the legal stuff when a parent is late with payments. My husband knows a young woman who recently became a lawyer and works in family law. According to what she told my husband, a deadbeat parent might be arrested and his bail is set to the amount of back owed child support so the court can give it to the custodial parent. Somehow that doesn't make sense. I think I haven't heard the full explanation.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#9 Jun 14, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: The problem is that LW's wife is still working with the man who she was texting. LW's suspicions may or may not be justified. For all we know, LW's wife could have a secret phone or a secret FB account. Or not. Maybe she truly cleaned up her act and LW refuses to believe it. Definitely get some marriage counseling and try to truly move past this rough spot.
LW2: Like edog, I also had a boss like this. Fortunately, she was let go after her outrageous behavior was called to the attention of HR. You have two choices apart from filing that hostile work environment lawsuit; 1) learn to not let your boss' comments ruin your day, and 2) get another job. If I had to make that choice today, I'd go for #2.
LW3: Fortunately, in many states, it is becoming very hard to be a deadbeat dad. My co-worker's ex-husband thought he'd beaten the system by laying low and being paid under the table until his kids turned 18, but after he got a regular job, in Texas, the great state of California garnished his wages and started sending her checks for the back child support he owed her!! I was in the office when she opened that first check and she was blown away.
Interesting comments. Regarding #3, your co-worker's ex reminds me of my sister's first husband. He left her with 6 kids and no support. He left the state with his gf and periodically moved to other states. He never paid child support. He told my sister to go on welfare. She had to for a year or so. Her youngest was not even 2 years of age and her 4th child had severe disabilities and the school had difficulty handling her. It was not unusual for them to drive her home early. But eventually she did get work and raised those 6 kids on her own. It would have been so nice if there had been cooperation between the states back then to get this guy and others like him to support his kids. I'm glad things are improving along those lines. That's one benefit of our new "information age." Yes, Big Brother is watching and it can be a very good thing in some cases.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#10 Jun 15, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
Interesting comments. Regarding #3, your co-worker's ex reminds me of my sister's first husband. He left her with 6 kids and no support. He left the state with his gf and periodically moved to other states. He never paid child support. He told my sister to go on welfare. She had to for a year or so. Her youngest was not even 2 years of age and her 4th child had severe disabilities and the school had difficulty handling her. It was not unusual for them to drive her home early. But eventually she did get work and raised those 6 kids on her own. It would have been so nice if there had been cooperation between the states back then to get this guy and others like him to support his kids. I'm glad things are improving along those lines. That's one benefit of our new "information age." Yes, Big Brother is watching and it can be a very good thing in some cases.
Ugh. My co-worker only had 3 kids by her ex-husband, but he, too, left the state with his new girlfriend and never paid child support or called his kids. Your sister did an amazing job on her own with 6 kids! If she has a court order for child support, she may also be eligible for back support payments.
liner

Bellport, NY

#11 Jun 15, 2014
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not true. In most states, it is an established procedure to garnish child support no matter what. What these employees are likely doing is advising the child support agency of their employment asap, as they're probably required to do. The vast majority of states now do automatic garnishments, regardless of the situation. And yes, for women as well as men; and non-custodial mothers can also be, and often are, "deadbeats", my BIL's ex being one of them. Of course, she never showed much interest in seeing her own children, either, too busy dealing drugs or screwing her flavor of the week. Being a "deadbeat" has little to do with gender and everything to do with character.
I believe you are wrong. Wage garnishment is considered a legal recourse for non-payment of child support. It is not the normal procedure for the payment of child support.
pde

Bothell, WA

#12 Jun 15, 2014
liner wrote:
<quoted text>
I believe you are wrong. Wage garnishment is considered a legal recourse for non-payment of child support. It is not the normal procedure for the payment of child support.
This really depends on the state you're living in. Back when I was working in payroll for a company which had employees in 40 states it was pretty standard in quite a few states that the courts automatically ordered garnishment when the child support order was established (I used to process wage garnishment orders). So, for those states/those family courts, garnishment wasn't a punishment for non-payment but a standard way to establish payment.

This was almost 20 years ago now, so I don't remember off the top of my head which states did this.

Since: Jan 14

Location hidden

#13 Jun 15, 2014
liner wrote:
<quoted text>
I believe you are wrong. Wage garnishment is considered a legal recourse for non-payment of child support. It is not the normal procedure for the payment of child support.
She's basically right about child support, although the problem here is the word garnishment, which is commonly used for withholding pay for debt owed for loans, etc. Child support withholding is pretty much standard in most states now but not normally called garnishment by definition.. Both would be court ordered.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#14 Jun 15, 2014
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
This really depends on the state you're living in. Back when I was working in payroll for a company which had employees in 40 states it was pretty standard in quite a few states that the courts automatically ordered garnishment when the child support order was established (I used to process wage garnishment orders). So, for those states/those family courts, garnishment wasn't a punishment for non-payment but a standard way to establish payment.
This was almost 20 years ago now, so I don't remember off the top of my head which states did this.
You are correct. It has become the standard way for support payments in several states. Oregon is one of those.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#15 Jun 15, 2014
Oh, and not just for child support. A friend of ours was screwed over with eight years of alimony (and it was SO NOT deserved) and all payments were collected through his payroll.
pde

Bothell, WA

#16 Jun 15, 2014
greenwichvillage wrote:
<quoted text>
She's basically right about child support, although the problem here is the word garnishment, which is commonly used for withholding pay for debt owed for loans, etc. Child support withholding is pretty much standard in most states now but not normally called garnishment by definition.. Both would be court ordered.
We considered them all "garnishment" orders. There were codes for the different types of garnishment orders though and a hierarchy of payment ... in general, my recollection was that child support orders got first dibs, followed by the IRS, followed by garnishment for general debt.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Jun 16, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
<
My co-worker only had 3 kids by her ex-husband,
Only? Seems like an odd word to use after that number.
Kuuipo

Seaside, CA

#18 Jun 18, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Only? Seems like an odd word to use after that number.
I was comparing her situation to LW's. She has four. But I agree that 3 is plenty of kids.
Kuuipo

Seaside, CA

#19 Jun 18, 2014
I meant to say Pippa's sister with the 6 kids! Was thinking of another LW.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 11 min shinningelectr0n 1,154,296
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 41 min wojar 181,862
Ill. House Approves Legalizing Same-Sex Civil U... (Dec '10) 1 hr KiMerde 51,262
Messianic Jews say they are persecuted in Israel (Jun '08) 1 hr JOEL 71,100
Family of slain Loyola student seeks 'peace not... 2 hr Searcy 2
Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 3 hr Mothra 49,236
women are so shallow these days (Nov '11) 4 hr Silk 87
Chicago Dating
Find my Match
More from around the web

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]

NFL Latest News

Updated 5:16 pm PST

Bleacher Report 5:16PM
Full Game Grades for Colts vs. Cowboys
Bleacher Report 5:21 PM
Trestman's QB Change Fails to Provide Spark
Bleacher Report 5:38 PM
Indianapolis Colts vs. Dallas Cowboys: Video Highlights and Recap from Week 16
Bleacher Report 6:00 PM
Colts Have Puncher's Chance in Playoffs Despite Flaws
Bleacher Report 7:50 PM
Colts Collapse Around Andrew Luck in Another Prime-Time Blowout