“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 23, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am a good-looking, active senior widower. I look 10 years younger than I am. I've been dating an attractive widow (10 years younger) for nearly a year.

I treated her like a princess, took her to very nice restaurants, movies, concerts, etc. I've helped her financially. She wrote to me, "You're everything to me."

Our relationship seemed fine until a recent lengthy phone conversation, which somehow turned to the subject of sex.

Sex, she says, is the glue to a relationship. I disagree, believing a relationship has to be more substantive to be successful.(Because of physical limitations I can't perform as well as I once did.)

She called me old-fashioned because I disagreed with her assertion that today all women have sex on the second or third date. I contend that not all women jump into bed that quickly (or perhaps not at all). That's when I inexplicably mentioned two previous relationships of hers in which she was sexually active. She blew up at me, said that I had crossed the line and told me not to call her again.

I sent her flowers and a small gift with a note to call me but no response -- not even a thank you.

Despite this, is there a chance for us? I thought she was the companion I've wanted.-- Out of Time in NY

DEAR OUT OF TIME: You and your companion were dancing around an issue very important to both of you. Neither of you is wrong about sex, really -- but your divergent views reflect your relative age and stage in life.

On the one hand, she seems to be asserting that all women have sex early in a relationship (not true). On the other, she is offended, presumably because you dared to imply that by your standards, she is just a wee bit slutty.

Because she feels so strongly about this, she should have been consistent in her response: "Heck yes, buddy -- you betcha!"

This dust-up exposes a bit of a double standard: Women should be able to own their sexual choices free of judgment, and yet it is still considered ungentlemanly to bring up a woman's previous sexual relationships. Furthermore, you know this -- and you did it anyway. Do not wait by the phone; this relationship is over.

DEAR AMY: I'm 24, financially independent and very busy. I work a day job, freelance on the side, play recreational sports, etc.

I visit my parents about once (sometimes twice) a month. They live about 90 minutes away. They don't like to drive to the city, but every time I come home, my father incessantly talks about how I "never visit" and should "really come more often."

He says it so often that it makes me feel uncomfortable, sad and guilty, but I know I'm doing much better than some of my friends who live out of state and never see their folks.

I've tried talking to my mother about how this makes me feel, but she just says not to worry about it. I am so grateful for their love and support, but is there any way I can help them appreciate -- instead of lament -- the time we spend together?-- Only Child

DEAR CHILD: You are sharing your reaction with the wrong person. It's Dad's turn to hear this from you:

"Dad, you say this very often. Honestly, it makes me feel terrible. I'm sorry you seem so sad, but I'm doing the best I can."

Make sure he knows that the door opens both ways and that you would treasure a visit from them. Plan a fun fall outing in the city and make a point of inviting them.

DEAR AMY: "No Turkey on the Turnpike" was upset because a family member let her know way in advance that she and her family would not be invited to Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Your answer seemed to discount the implied politeness in letting someone know well ahead of time what the arrangement is so that the family can make other plans.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Other readers pointed this out. I appreciate the perspective.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 Jul 23, 2014
1- at your age, why bother with the song and dance? I even feel that way at my age. We know what we're in this for, let's just go

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jul 23, 2014
1 Dont worry, she aint gonna let her sugar daddy leave.

2 Give dad bus/train tickets and tell him you look forward to seeing them. Oh, and tell him to get a hobby, he's lonely.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Jul 23, 2014
LW1: Dude, she wants sex. She can’t be any more clear. Instead of essentially telling her she’s wrong and she doesn’t really want it because it’s not that important, quit being a doosh.

Go see a doctor … if that fails start doing tongue exercises. You can either give it to her you can be the schmoe efftard who wines and dines her and buys her expensive shyte and she’ll find other guy to pleasure her.

LW2: Ignore and grow up. You are an adult. You should be comfortable deciding how you will balance your time on your terms and should do so unapologetic ally, instead of being so bothered by it that you need to write an advice columnist about it. Visiting your parents once or twice a month when you live 90 minutes away is nothing to feel guilty about, especially since they don’t come and visit you.

LW3: I wouldn’t care.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Jul 23, 2014
L1: Love to hear her version of this. Amy's right. This relationship isn't going to work. It bugs me, too, that she's called slutty b/c she likes to have sex earlier than this particular male. I didn't get the idea that she's screwing anything that comes her way.

L2: These parents are probably adjustiing to the fact that the LW is an independent 24 year old. They should be celebrating that they raised a great daughter. Yes, I'd tell dear old dad that you don't need the guilt trip.

L3: No kindness goes unpunished or some such old adage.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Jul 23, 2014
L1. You have been dating a year and there has been no sex?

You can't perform as well as you used to? Your finger arthritis is not so bad that you can't write a note. Presumably your tongue is in working order.

You have no sexual imagination about alternatives to intercourse , probably don't watch any on the internet,. and are judgmental and vindictive to boot.

After a year you had not figured out that you two don't share the same attitudes about sex? She never was the companion you wanted.

L2 Tune him out. Get him Skype.

Don't show him how to get into the city. They will start showing up and expect you to entertain them on your turf but their schedule.. That would be worse

Neither of you are getting any younger.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Jul 23, 2014
1: I agree with you point of view but that doesn't really address the problem. You and the "lady" are sexually incompatible. It won't work. Face it.

2: One problem is probably that you are geographically close enough for dad to think he can see you more often than he does. He may have some kind of underlying need to control you as he did when you were a child. Or it may just be that he misses you. If you lived further away, he wouldn't be able to demand that you visit more often but instead he'd be saying you should quit your job and move back to your home town to find a job. If you lived nearby, he'd be wanting to know everything in your life and he'd be demanding a family dinner at least once a week. He'd be telling you what you should do and what you're doing wrong. It could be a no win situation no matter what you do.(My husband has a tendency to be like that.) I think he may be experiencing a very strong empty nest thing. Are you the youngest in the family or an only child? I agree with Race that Dad needs to find a hobby - one that takes him out of the house and where he meets other people would be ideal.

3: That's what I thought. We get letters from people complaining they were dropped from the invitation list close to the event and they didn't have much time to make other plans. It seems the original lw took the advance notice as time to complain about the un-invite rather than as an opportunity to make other plans. Just because you're invited to some event (whether a holiday meal or vacation) on a regular basis does not mean you are entitled to go every year or even at any time in the future. We've had letters about that as well - people wanting to know how to cut some obnoxious guest from their invitation list when the person has been coming every year. So why didn't Amy recognize that this was someone taking the advice and the possibly obnoxious guests were complaining?

I tried to google the original letter but couldn't find it. I'm going by my admittedly less than splendid memory.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#8 Jul 23, 2014
LW1: I agree that it's most likely over, but do write back and let us know. Anyway, if you are as handsome, active, and young-looking as you claim, you should have several women lined up to take her place <sarcasm>.

LW2: Team Race.

LW3: Original LW should accept the un-invite with grace and make fabulous other plans for the holiday.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#9 Jul 23, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Dude, she wants sex. She can’t be any more clear. Instead of essentially telling her she’s wrong and she doesn’t really want it because it’s not that important, quit being a doosh.
PEllen wrote:
L1:...You have no sexual imagination about alternatives to intercourse, probably don't watch any on the internet,. and are judgmental and vindictive to boot.
Team Sublime and PEllen.
Gosh, LW, how *dare* your lady friend not have as high an opinion of you as YOU obviously do. The Nerve of that Hussy!
Wake up, you judgmental jerk---you've been dumped. And with damn good reason.

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