“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 2, 2014
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I seem to fight every time we are together (daily). We have boiled it down to the fact that we are both insecure and do not yet fully trust each other. On top of that, it seems that we cannot communicate and hear each other well.

Each of our arguments ends in a relatively loving and hopeful way, but the fights continue.

I know that I want to be with him, but I don't know how to properly communicate. We have even tried writing to each other.

What are good ways to communicate feelings during moments of high stress or tension?-- Dukes Up

DEAR DUKES: Partner counseling would help both of you to create different communication patterns, but you two have some core problems -- your mutual insecurity and combativeness.

There are some very commonplace tools to help people communicate more effectively.

Don't communicate during a time of very high stress. Wait until your heart rate goes down.

Be an active listener. This means that you concentrate on what is being said instead of forming your comeback while your partner is speaking. Wait until the other finishes talking -- and then breathe before you speak so you can formulate your response. If your partner interrupts, stop speaking and wait.

Mediators sometimes use an object to assist in this regard. The person must be holding the object in order to speak. For instance, pass a salt shaker back and forth -- the person holding it may speak. When the person is done, he "passes the salt" (hint: no sharp objects, please).

Concentrate on using neutral language. Repeat your partner's main point before rebutting: "I hear you saying that this bothers you." Speak only to your own feelings, not your partner's actions: "I feel disrespected when I have to wait a long time for you" instead of, "You're always late."

Accept responsibility for your own negative actions and ask for forgiveness: "You're right. I was late and I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?"

You both should read, "Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict" by Jonathan Robinson (2009, Conari Press).

DEAR AMY: I met a woman who I thought was flirting with me. I eventually introduced myself and asked her out. She responded that she was just out of a marriage that ended badly and that she was not ready at this time to date.

I understood her feelings and had no problem with her answer (outside of the fact I think she was extremely overboard with her flirting if she was not interested in me).

A couple of months later I saw her. I asked if we could be friends. She responded that we could not be friends at this time, which really confused me.

Now she seems friendly when we are near each other. I keep catching her staring at me, and we seem to make eye contact a lot. She smiles at me.

I know some divorce blogs talk about how long somebody should wait before dating, and even though every case is different they suggest at least a year. I have no way of knowing how long she has been divorced but I wonder -- do I have a right to ask her how long it has been and if there is any chance she would go on a date with me when she feels she is ready?-- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: You have a right to ask these questions, but your expectation should be thus: If she is truly interested in you, she will take it beyond eye contact and smiles. Let her do so. You've already made a declaration. Now you need to step back.

DEAR AMY: Your response to "Mowed Over" was wrong, wrong, wrong. There is no such thing as an allergy to grass caused by lawn mowing. Allergies are caused by pollen, not grass. This woman was trying to control her neighbor.-- Outraged

DEAR OUTRAGED: I know people who have to wear a mask while mowing; WebMD lists several common grass types that release pollen. I could imagine a neighbor's mowing schedule would have an impact on someone with an extreme allergy.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jun 2, 2014
1 Gay sex, don't care

2 Tap her, rebound sex is great.

3 Missed the original, but the rehash is great cause they told lamy she is wrong,wrong,wrong!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Jun 2, 2014
1. If you fight daily why are you still bf/gf? Is it because you are so insecure you think no one else will go out with you?
That's not sarcastic, btw.

2. She is new at the process. Maybe. She could also be adding notches to her gunbelt to gain confidence without doing anything tangible.

You are verging on stalking.

3.Outraged did not sign itself as MD.. Wrong, wrong, wrong? Stfu, stfu, stfu.

Have a nice day

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#4 Jun 2, 2014
1....or you could break up!

2....or you could just chalk her weirdness up to her being a loon. Man up and move on!

3. Rehash no make me care.

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#5 Jun 2, 2014
LW1 - You fight daily, you can't trust each other, and you are insecure. Why exactly do you want to keep this relationship going? Is the make-up sex THAT good every time?

LW2 - Stay away from her. She is on the rebound and doesn't know what the heck she wants. She is flirting because she is trying to reassure herself that she is still attractive to men. I bet her ex dumped her for a younger, hotter woman.

LW3 - "There is no such thing as [fill in the blank] because I've never seen it or known anyone who's seen it." Yeah, right. Although I do agree that the woman was trying to control her neighbor, if I remember the original right.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#6 Jun 2, 2014
1- sounds like you two were made for each other

2- back off, dude


“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jun 2, 2014
L1: They seem to deserve each other.

L2: I'm with Pelly. He is on the verge of stalking.

L3: Yawn.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Jun 2, 2014
What's with the man bashing? How in the hell is his guy near stalking? He read some signals and asked her out, then months later, asked to be friends. Now he catches her staring at him. This id your criteria for stalking? Wtf.


“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Jun 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
What's with the man bashing? How in the hell is his guy near stalking? He read some signals and asked her out, then months later, asked to be friends. Now he catches her staring at him. This id your criteria for stalking? Wtf.
Verge of stalking. I'm not man bashing.

If some chick said the same thing I'd say she's on the verge of stalking. Taking every look and whisper as meaning something about him.

That's how I see it.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#10 Jun 2, 2014
Why doesn't LW2 shrug off this girl as "not for him"?


“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Jun 2, 2014
not a ghost wrote:
Why doesn't LW2 shrug off this girl as "not for him"?
Right? He seems a bit obsessed. I say that b/c she already said she was not interested. In general (not the rule), it's usually women that have the issue of not hearing what the man is trying to tell her when he says he's not interested.
blunt advice

Morristown, NJ

#12 Jun 2, 2014
1. Dump him and find someone you can get along with.
2. Forget about her and develop interests in women who don't tease.
3. If you are allergic to grass move where there isn't any. I can understand about the gas smell from lawn mowers causing you to feel ill. But adapt.

Chicago, IL

#13 Jun 2, 2014
LW1: Sounds like you and your boyfriend like the makeup sex waaaay more than you actually like each other. #AddictedToDrama

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#14 Jun 2, 2014
L3. It could be hay fever.
I'm just guessing.....

I don't have any allergies, so I wouldn't know.

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