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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 21, 2013
DEAR AMY: My daughter is 18 and starting college this month.

She has been dating a boy from her high school for eight months. They are going to different colleges.

He is Muslim and has not told his parents about the relationship (because my daughter is not Muslim). She believes they would accept her if she converted to Islam.

Her boyfriend is very charming and is able to manipulate people because of his charm. They are in love and enjoy being with each other. My daughter does not want the relationship to end. The boy is torn because of the deception and he knows he cannot marry my daughter unless she converts. He talks about ending the relationship but has not made any effort to do so.

He expects my daughter not to date other boys in college, and she seems to agree with that. She would never convert to Islam (in her heart) but I am afraid she will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.

I am torn about what I should do. Do I just let it play out and see what happens? I have explained my concerns about her marrying a Muslim without actually embracing the religion. I think she would be very unhappy in the long run. She is independent enough that she would resent the limitations put on women by this religion.

I have told her that I do not think he has the right to limit her dating in college if he has not even told his parents about his relationship.

I would appreciate any advice you could give me.-- Worried Mom

DEAR MOM: Both parties in this drama are very young. Their youth and immaturity are both an advantage and a disadvantage in the dynamic. It is not balanced or healthy for your daughter to be in a "secret" relationship, and I agree with you that the boy's choice to keep this a secret from his parents lacks integrity.

Your focus should be on urging your daughter to enter her college life wholeheartedly and to resist anybody's efforts to control her (however, if you push too hard, she'll realize that you are trying to control her).

You should discourage any talk of marriage -- not because of the religious differences, but because they are simply too young. Your daughter should know that you expect her to obtain her degree before marrying anyone.

Young couples who are separating frequently extract promises to be faithful to each other. You should encourage your daughter to make friends and engage enthusiastically in college life, regardless of her long-distance romantic status.

Stay calm, and try to stay neutral, open and close to both of these young people.

DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and his ex-wife have a difficult relationship. Their son is about to celebrate his bar mitzvah, and my boyfriend wants me to be present.

I really want to be there, but I think my presence at the reception might create problems.(I will go to the ceremony.)

How can I make a good decision on whether to go to the reception?

Should I ask my boyfriend's son, or is that too much responsibility for a 13-year-old?-- Wondering Girlfriend

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: The focus on this particular day should be completely on the boy celebrating this important milestone. I like your choice to be part of the congregation supporting him as he performs a ritual he has worked hard to prepare for.

Do not ask the boy to help you make an adult decision. If you feel your presence at the reception would create drama or tension that would make the boy -- and/or you -- uncomfortable, then by all means skip it.

DEAR AMY: I got so mad when I read the letter from "Reluctant Wig Wearer," whose therapist criticized her for wearing a "mask for society" by choosing to wear a wig.

What the heck? I think this woman should keep the wig but lose the therapist.-- Enthusiastic Wig Wearer

DEAR ENTHUSIASTIC: I know so many women (and one teenager) who wear wigs because of the effects of chemotherapy. I cannot imagine anyone second-guessing or criticizing this choice -- especially a therapist.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Aug 21, 2013
L1: There is so much wrong with your letter that I don't know where to start. First of all, Islam is NOT a sexist religion -- it's just that, just like with right wing Christians who think their religion should be the law of the land, Muslims have the same whackadoo poopheads in their religion. So perhaps you should, oh, I don't know, pick up a book and *read* about world religions? Also, your disdain for this boy is just over the top. He's manipulative? how about YOU? You want to interfere with your adult child's love life.

JUst knock it the hell off. The fact that they are going to separate colleges will break these two up by Thanksgiving.

I disagree with Amy when she says that they are too young to get married. I mean, I agree, but no 18, 19, 20 year old wants to hear that. So frame it more as a "You have a lot you want to do and now is the time to do it, while you're young, single, kid-free."

L2: Go and be a GD grown up, mkay?

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#3 Aug 21, 2013
Amy wrote:
Do not ask the boy to help you make an adult decision.
??
Isn't that the POINT of a Bar Mitzvah? The young MAN absolutely should be the one to decide who's welcome. Who better?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Aug 21, 2013
1- Tell your daughter to worry about her education and not her poossay.

2- Keep the boy out of it. If the ex can't act civil, that's on her.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Aug 21, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Islam is NOT a sexist religion -- it's just that, just like with right wing Christians who think their religion should be the law of the land, Muslims have the same whackadoo poopheads
Go take a tour of Egypt or Pakistan and say that. And I love how you defend Islam but slam christianity. And just because the girl is 18 doesn't mean she knows everything and doesn't need guidance from her mother.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Aug 21, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Go take a tour of Egypt or Pakistan and say that. And I love how you defend Islam but slam christianity. And just because the girl is 18 doesn't mean she knows everything and doesn't need guidance from her mother.
I didn't defend one and slam the other -- I defended both and slammed both. THere are good Christians and lousy Christians, there are good Muslims and lousy Muslims. Because that's how people are.

THe more mom interferes/pushes her daughter, the more daughter will cling to boyfriend. Mom needs to butt the Fq out.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#7 Aug 21, 2013
L1. Yeah. That's too bad.
He can't tell his parents because he is ashamed and is afraid of what their reaction will be.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#8 Aug 21, 2013
1 I think the boy should convert to atheism.

2 I agree with the new great granny. Let the kid decide and all adults should agree to act as such.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Aug 21, 2013
LW1: Chances are it wonít last, but I would tread lightly. Let them figure things out.

LW2: This is really your bfís call and his problem to deal with should problems arise. I really donít think you should step out on the celebration if he wants you there. All you need to do is act civil and donít contribute to any drama should it arise.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Aug 21, 2013
L1: The LW seems a bit over-involved in the relationship. Give the daughter general good advice about relationships, etc. but don't forbid her from dating this boy. Trust that you've taught her well and let her make her own mistakes b/c that is how she will learn. Be there when she needs you.

L2: Do what you think is appropriate as you will be the one caught in the middle if it goes down that way.

L3: That's just crazy that a therapist would say that.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#11 Aug 21, 2013
Disclaimer: Long post full of stuff you might not care about...

Islam is not sexist per se though it does have patriarchy well established within its dogma. Whether there is misogyny (which *is* a sexist thing but not the *same* thing) depends more on the specific culture one comes from than the religion in and of itself.

HOWEVER, and its a big however, the religion IS the culture, the culture is the religion. By and large, most of them do not separate the two. However how they interpret their particular flavor of Islam depends on their culture.

The husband comes from Morocco which is a lot more Western-ish in its laws and ideas than a lot or even most of the other Islamic countries. They don't (mostly) have a lot of misogynistic laws, though by Western standards we would see them as pretty sexist.

Also he is from Casablanca which has a population of about 4 minion. It's a *big* city. There are all levels of ways people dress and behave there, but if you go to some of the smaller areas in the mountains or the Sahara, it can be a little more traditional, but then it's Berber traditions interpreting the Koran in those locations, not the heavily Western influenced Arabs, European-Arabs, and Berbers from the city...

There are a lot of reasons for that not the least is its history of colonization by tons of other countries over the years. Even still there are some patriarchal and sexist ideas which come from the teaching of the Koran.

An example: When his grandfather died 75% went to his uncle and 25% to his mom, per the Koran. When his uncle died it went to his cousin though IMO it should have reverted to his mom. However, the Koran tenet of being able to have 4 wives is not allowed in Morocco. When the king became king, he made polygyny illegal, though those already married were grandfathered in.

In some countries, such as Afghanistan, the Koran is interpreted slightly differently (the same way people interpret the Bible, Torah, etc.) with a slant towards traditional cultural values that were in place before Islam was even a religion.

There are also different sects of Islam just as with Christianity, Judaism, etc. Most people are familiar with the Shia (Shite) because those are the ones we see on tv throwing fits and killing people all the time, though the majority of Muslims are Sunni (they claim they are right because they follow the prophet whereas the Shia follow Ali whom they consider to be the rightful successor to the caliphate after Mohammed died).

There are also Sufi (whirling dervishes) who have saints which to the Sunni are contrary to the teachings of the prophet (the Shia also have a saint 'Hussain') and the Wahabbi which is the sect in Saudi Arabia.

For anyone to paint all Muslims with one brush is a mistake. As the world gets smaller and we all come into contact with each other more, it's a good idea to not think they are all the same any more than saying all Christians or Jews are all the same, because they're not.

The most significant thing about the thoughts, ideas, moral leanings, etc., of any Muslim one might meet is going to be their age and where they are from.

Lots of places like Afghanistan, Libya, and Iraq are comprised of traditional tribes which not only give loyalty to the tribe/family over the country as a whole, they also have traditional behaviors that influence how they view the "rules" of their religion, most rules dating back to the bronze age and not having evolved over the past 4000+ years.

Yes, I know way more about this than I ever wanted to know.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#12 Aug 21, 2013
*4 million

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Aug 21, 2013
I think the oppression of women is more about culture than religion. You have conservative Christians who think women are subservient to men, but you also have conservative Christians who think women are equal to men. Same with Islam, Judaism, etc. The ranges of beliefs are all over the place.

I can't blame Islam -- it's a religion of peace and equality. It's not Islam's fault that the Taliban is full of a bunch of ignorant, uneducated hillbillies.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#14 Aug 21, 2013
LW1: This couple is young and in love despite their religious and cultural differences. They should be allowed to enjoy the experience for what it is. Not all relationships are long-term. Chances are good that circumstances will pull them apart. But nobody needs to remind them of that.

LW2: Skip the reception. Or stay for 10 minutes and then leave.

LW3: A friend of mine bought a couple of wigs because she likes to change up her look. The therapist in this case is a whack job. I hope original LW has found a different one.
Jersey Sure

Florham Park, NJ

#15 Aug 21, 2013
LW 1: Your focus should be on urging your daughter to run from this creep as fast as possible!

LW 2: I know youíll do anything to get out of going to the Bar Mitzvah; I have to agree, they are a real drag.

LW 3: Most therapist are mentally unstable, find a better way to deal with your problems.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#16 Aug 21, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I think the oppression of women is more about culture than religion. You have conservative Christians who think women are subservient to men, but you also have conservative Christians who think women are equal to men. Same with Islam, Judaism, etc. The ranges of beliefs are all over the place.
I can't blame Islam -- it's a religion of peace and equality. It's not Islam's fault that the Taliban is full of a bunch of ignorant, uneducated hillbillies.
The biggest issue I have with Islam is that Muslims consider themselves Muslim above and beyond anything else. Lots of other religions do it too, but I've found that the ones I know, which are a whole bunch of people, some family, some not, seem to be of one mind that Islam, and Sharia law, and so forth trump everything...all secular laws, all governments, all other religions, all personal desires or aspirations. This is taught by the religion.

Something else that is taught, and I did a little web sleuthing and it is very much a part of cult indoctrination, they are not even supposed to discuss anything that is a different point of view from Islam...lest they be tempted to stray from the one true message. Close our mind and your ears, stay away from anyone who isn't one of us.

Most of them are ill-educated about Christianity, but they are told that 'X' is so by the imans so they believe it even though the iman doesn't know what the hell he's talking about with regards to Christian dogma and teaching, because he learned it from someone else equally ill-educated and so on all the way back. The same for what they know about Judaism, and many other religions as well as far as my personal experience talking to them has uncovered.

Of course I looked u the definition of "cult" (per the us dept of justice or something) and it pretty much describes all religions. so there's that...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#17 Aug 21, 2013
Did you mean "Imam?"
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#18 Aug 21, 2013
1: Christianity is not known for repressing women; unless you don't understand it. Islam seems to not see women as real humans.

2: I broke up with y ex-bf because henever stood up to his psycho ex-wife. She banned me from their son's graduation party (then brought her bf), telling my guy the son didn't want me there. I respected it and found out years later (from the son) that she was lying.
My bf's lack of balls was unattractive.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 Aug 21, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I didn't defend one and slam the other -- I defended both and slammed both. THere are good Christians and lousy Christians, there are good Muslims and lousy Muslims. Because that's how people are.
THe more mom interferes/pushes her daughter, the more daughter will cling to boyfriend. Mom needs to butt the Fq out.
This, on all points.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 Aug 21, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
Did you mean "Imam?"
When used as a title or a proper noun it should be capitalized. When use as a general descriptor, it need not be.

All the Christian church fathers....
vs

Father Brown who is Christian.

Check your Strunk and White.

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