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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 30, 2014
DEAR AMY: My ex and I have a long history, and I guess we are (sort of) friends. We both loved each other very much but we fought way too much, which made the relationship impossible.

I have moved on to someone else, and I am pretty happy. However, I feel as if my current relationship isn't as fun and passionate as my old one.

I think my ex has noticed this and is trying to get close to me once again. He recently invited me to the movies as "just friends."

Should I go? Or is it a bad move?-- Ex and Friend

DEAR FRIEND: Let me answer by referencing a favorite quote from one of my favorite movies -- the 1975 summertime classic, "Jaws."

"This is not a boat accident."

What I'm getting at is that if you are Richard Dreyfuss lifting a severed arm out of a stainless steel pan, you get to call it like you see it, by pointing out the obvious.

In this regard, I'm Richard Dreyfuss, your nascent "friendship" with your ex is the severed arm and your trip to the movies is like swimming in open water with a giant, man-eating shark.

Potentially exciting. Very risky.

DEAR AMY: My older sister is getting married. Her fiance and his family are a very Christian conservative family and mine is extremely liberal.

I am gay. I received an email from my sister saying that she did not think it was right for me to attend her wedding. They say they do not agree with my "lifestyle." OK, it is her special day. I am fine with her choice.

When my mother learned I wasn't invited, she was outraged and extremely offended.

I don't know if it is so much just my not being invited or that my mother feels that our family traditions and beliefs are not as important as my sister's fiance's family traditions and beliefs.

My mother also is hurt that my sister would treat me like that.

Now my family will not attend my sister's wedding, and my sister and her new fiance say that it is all my fault.

What can I do to convince my family that they need to go to my sister's wedding and also let my sister know that the real problem is that she is losing herself and that this (not my sexual orientation) is the real issue?-- Gay Brother

DEAR GAY BROTHER: I can completely understand your family's choice to not attend this wedding out of solidarity to you, because denying your attendance seems to be a denial -- not only of your family's values, but of you.

Your sister and her almost in-laws are excluding you and now blaming you for the drama your exclusion is causing, and now your gayness is really getting in the way of everybody's good time.

Your graciousness is commendable. Email your sister: "I realize this is your special day and understand completely that you feel strongly about me not being there. I completely accept your choice and have told other family members this. However, I feel like this choice doesn't reflect the values we were raised with. I hope you don't change your core values to suit your new family. I'll never stop being your loving brother and wish you and your fiance all the best."

Don't bother talking your mother into attending. When you're a parent, you'll understand how she feels.

DEAR AMY: I took note of the letter from "Concerned Mom," the parent who was nervous because her daughter's lesbian gym teacher monitored the girl's locker room.

I'm a retired, heterosexual physical education teacher who taught middle school for 33 years. It was my experience that many middle school students were what I would describe as overly modest. My counsel to those students was simple: Face your locker, change your clothes quickly, and move on.

Everyone seems to like this gym teacher and no one is worried about inappropriate behavior, so the kids need to "suck it up" and get over themselves. Look at it as a life lesson in dealing with humanity in a mature way.-- Retired Gym Teacher

DEAR TEACHER: "Suck it up." Good advice.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 Jul 30, 2014
1- Worst. Analogy. Ever

2- it's wrong of them not to invite you. However... if you planned on showing up with your boyfriend and act all flaming, that could distract from the bride and groom and because of that, I can understand their reasoning. Perhaps work out a compromise, maybe they'll let you go if you go alone, and don't show up in a rainbow tux and feather boa

3- yeah, good idea, then they won't see the lesbian checking out their @zz

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jul 30, 2014
1 WTF? How about you just say "NO"?

2 More gay drama. If people were not so attached to their religious views all this could have been avoided.

Kidding, I kid. But I do wonder what the LW's problem is? His family is defending him and he's whining about it. Quit trying to be a martyr about it.

3 Gay women should not be watching miiddle school girls undress. Period.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#4 Jul 30, 2014
L1: Sounds to me like you want to get back with your ex. Probably not a good idea but it's not my life or relationship. You're obviously not that much into your current relationship. The wise thing would probably be to take a break from all relationships.

L2: That was a direct insult not being invited. You don't have to agree with someone's lifestyle to treat them humanly. This bride and groom have treated him very poorly. I don't blame his family for not wanting to attend and I think the LW has to realize his family can make their own decisions. I'd sit this one out and let it play out.

L3: Sigh.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#5 Jul 30, 2014
RACE wrote:
2 More gay drama. If people were not so attached to their religious views all this could have been avoided.
Kidding, I kid. But I do wonder what the LW's problem is? His family is defending him and he's whining about it. Quit trying to be a martyr about it.
His sister dis-invited him because he is gay. He said "ok,no prob., I understand." When his family got mad about that his sister got mad at him for creating drama. He didn't do anything. His sister did. SHE created the drama by dis-inviting her brother, but she wants to make it somehow his fault for doing nothing other than accepting her decision. That's fuc*#d up.
Community Disorganizer

Florham Park, NJ

#6 Jul 30, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- Worst. Analogy. Ever
2- it's wrong of them not to invite you. However... if you planned on showing up with your boyfriend and act all flaming, that could distract from the bride and groom and because of that, I can understand their reasoning. Perhaps work out a compromise, maybe they'll let you go if you go alone, and don't show up in a rainbow tux and feather boa
3- yeah, good idea, then they won't see the lesbian checking out their @zz
You should be writing the column instead of clueless Amy!

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#7 Jul 30, 2014
L2. Yeah, that's too bad that they so hard-headed and bull-nosed.
They're trying to be manipulative. Don't let them get the better of you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#8 Jul 30, 2014
I agree, but.....

He asks amy how to get his family to go to the wedding, so he is all
"Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be fine, you all just go and have a good time". That is the martyr complex I was talking about.
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
His sister dis-invited him because he is gay. He said "ok,no prob., I understand." When his family got mad about that his sister got mad at him for creating drama. He didn't do anything. His sister did. SHE created the drama by dis-inviting her brother, but she wants to make it somehow his fault for doing nothing other than accepting her decision. That's fuc*#d up.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#9 Jul 30, 2014
Toj wrote:
That was a direct insult not being invited. You don't have to agree with someone's lifestyle to treat them humanly. This bride and groom have treated him very poorly. I don't blame his family for not wanting to attend and I think the LW has to realize his family can make their own decisions. I'd sit this one out and let it play out.
This.

And I wonder if the bride is ASSUMING her future in-laws would have an issue. There are a lot of people that don't agree with that "lifestyle" (to use LW's phrasing), but won't be hateful or nasty or cause a scene. I am, having a hard time phrasing what I mean, but I guess some people would phrase it, "Hate the sin, not the sinner" and many conservative Christians believe that and will still be kind and loving. Bride might just be assuming the worst.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Jul 30, 2014
LW1: He’s not inviting you as just friends and contrary to what you say you aren’t pretty happy with the current meh relationship. You are also never going to be happy with your current boring guy.

Break up with your current boyfriend, forget the old boyfriend, and try to find someone who brings more excitement to a relationship and who you also get along with.

LW2: Good for your family. They actually don’t need to go. I wouldn’t go either if I were a family member of yours.

LW3: Pretty sure we’ve all been naked around gay people in a locker room at one point in our life. Without more, it’s not a big deal.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#11 Jul 30, 2014
RACE wrote:
I agree, but.....
He asks amy how to get his family to go to the wedding, so he is all
"Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be fine, you all just go and have a good time". That is the martyr complex I was talking about.
<quoted text>
I don't think what you're describing as being a martyr complex. I think he just wants to make things right for his family. I don't think there's anything can do other than follow Amy's advice. Why would his family even feel comfortable attending an event, even a daughter's/sister's wedding, when their son/brother has been rudely excluded in a way that goes against their own values. They would feel like they're there more for form's sake than because they're truly welcome. They would feel that they're presence is only being tolerated not wanted. I wouldn't go either if this were my family. The bride is in effect dumping her family's values for those of her husband's family. Is it because this is the way SHE truly thinks or is it because she's being pressured? I am concerned that she may be making a huge mistake. It's one thing if she's always held these beliefs and simply went along with her family to prevent discord. In that case, she's finally finding a family that thinks as she does. She's just throwing her family away before the wedding. On the other hand, she may be in lust with the guy or in love with his money and she's destroying herself and her family for something that isn't worth much in comparison. I wouldn't be surprised if in a few years she realizes she's made a mistake.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#12 Jul 30, 2014
3: Right. So how many folks here refuse to go to a doctor or take their kids to a doctor of the opposite sex? How many women would refuse to get a mammogram if they knew the technician is a lesbian? How do you know she isn't? How do you know your doctor isn't gay? Because he/she is married? Haven't we gotten letters about spouses who reveal they're gay years after the wedding ceremony? What about that Penn State coach who molested those boys? I doubt perverts advertise their perversions. I also doubt gym teachers are any more likely to get their jollies by looking at young girls changing clothes than any other person. I was talking to a mammogram tech one day and she told me that by the end of the week, she feels she doesn't ever want to see another breast. I think people can over-think things at times and get themselves all discombobulated over nothing.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#13 Jul 30, 2014
Toj wrote:
L1: Sounds to me like you want to get back with your ex. Probably not a good idea but it's not my life or relationship. You're obviously not that much into your current relationship. The wise thing would probably be to take a break from all relationships.
L2: That was a direct insult not being invited. You don't have to agree with someone's lifestyle to treat them humanly. This bride and groom have treated him very poorly. I don't blame his family for not wanting to attend and I think the LW has to realize his family can make their own decisions. I'd sit this one out and let it play out.
L3: Sigh.
I noticed one person judged your post as "off topic." That makes no sense whatsoever.

1: I agree. The lw needs to take some time without a relationship to figure out what she wants in life.

2: I agree.

3: At first I thought your comment was rather dismissive but then realized it is basically my initial response to the letter. People get all hot and bothered by things that really aren't problems at all. It's sad that people are still so disturbed by someone's sexual orientation. So I add another sigh to yours.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#14 Jul 30, 2014
RACE wrote:
"Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be fine, you all just go and have a good time". That is the martyr complex I was talking about.
<quoted text>
Good point. Somehow I missed that. My bad...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#15 Jul 30, 2014
Community Disorganizer wrote:
<quoted text>
You should be writing the column instead of clueless Amy!
Nah, I'm too mean to these idiots

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#16 Jul 30, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
This.
And I wonder if the bride is ASSUMING her future in-laws would have an issue. There are a lot of people that don't agree with that "lifestyle" (to use LW's phrasing), but won't be hateful or nasty or cause a scene. I am, having a hard time phrasing what I mean, but I guess some people would phrase it, "Hate the sin, not the sinner" and many conservative Christians believe that and will still be kind and loving. Bride might just be assuming the worst.
I suspect this letter might be fake to make Christian conservatives look intolerant and non-inclusive, which of course isn't true. We've seen letters like this before, "Dear Amy, I'm afraid to come out to my conservative family" Or "Dear Amy, I'm concerned about bringing my gay lover to Thanksgiving dinner because my conservative aunt will be there." It's all a bunch of bull. Liberals can learn a thing or several from conservatives about tolerance
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#17 Jul 30, 2014
LW1: You'd be way better off trying to introduce some fun into your current relationship, and as Sublime points out, I think you know that he is not inviting you to the movies as just friends.

LW2: I agree that your sister is the one who created the drama. You are already handling this very graciously. If you want to send an email along the lines of what Amy suggested, go for it. But I think your mother and the rest of your family are doing the right thing by standing behind you. And don't get me started about "conservative Christians." Christ would have told them, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

LW3: I don't want to get back into this topic, but that's exactly my point of view.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Jul 30, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
I noticed one person judged your post as "off topic." That makes no sense whatsoever.
1: I agree. The lw needs to take some time without a relationship to figure out what she wants in life.
2: I agree.
3: At first I thought your comment was rather dismissive but then realized it is basically my initial response to the letter. People get all hot and bothered by things that really aren't problems at all. It's sad that people are still so disturbed by someone's sexual orientation. So I add another sigh to yours.
Thanks, Pippa. I don't take the judge icons too seriously.

You have what I meant for #3 exactly right. I said my piece the first time around and I knew I would be seeing people who have a problem with something that should not be a problem in my view. Then again, everyone has their own viewpoint, however distant it might be from my viewpoint.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 Jul 30, 2014
LW1 likes the drama. Don't you believe otherwise..

Lw2's letter sounds conciliatory. My experience has been that conservative families tend to want to ignore someone's sexual preference unless it is being rubbed in their face.

If LW was excluded just because he is gay, the new in laws are wrong and his ister is more wrong for not standing up for her brother.

If however, LW's conduct is effeminate and flaming, my sympathies go with the bride.

Since LW does not mention a same sex spouse or SO, I asume that is not the issue.

I support LW's family for standing behind him. I feel for teh bride because she is being made to choose and to forsake her blood kin for this marriage. I wonder that LW and his family did not have some idea this was going to happen during the dating/engagement process.

All of which reminds me to ask how Matilda and her SIL are doing.

LW3 I agree. Face the locker, change quickly and get the H* out of there.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#20 Jul 30, 2014
PEllen wrote:
...All of which reminds me to ask how Matilda and her SIL are doing.
You're right, PEllen---I don't think we've heard from Mathilda for a very long time...

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