edogxxx

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jan 11, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I used to be close friends with "Colette." We were so close that I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my April wedding.

Over the last several years of our friendship, Colette became selfish and domineering. It didn't bother me so much before, because I felt her positive qualities outweighed the negative. However, after several recent incidents, I finally told her I was upset. She offered a cop-out response, and we have not communicated since then. That was a month ago.

How do I let her know that I want to withdraw my request for her to be a bridesmaid? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but my wedding will be a small, private affair, and her presence would be painful and disruptive to me and another bridesmaid who recently had a similar experience with her.

Colette may not be burning with desire to come anyway, given our falling out, and hasn't yet incurred any of the expenses or spent any of the time and effort associated with being a bridesmaid. I don't want to act unkindly, even though I don't plan on rekindling the friendship.-- NEEDS PERSPECTIVE IN KANSAS

DEAR NEEDS: Tell Colette politely that your plans have changed and that you have decided to "scale back" the wedding; therefore your wedding party will be smaller and you won't need her after all. It's euphemistic enough that it could be taken to mean that finances have dictated your decision, which would be face-saving for her.

If she feels as you suspect she does, she may be relieved to be let off the hook. And if not, well -- you don't plan on continuing your friendship with her in any case. Do not make the conversation anything but polite and brief.

DEAR ABBY: My mother had to be placed in a nursing home a year and a half ago. It has been a difficult time in our lives. She had two small, adorable dogs that kept her company for many years. I have kept them at her home and provide daily care and love to them.

I tried to find them a loving home, to no avail. I can't bring them to my home because I'm allergic to dogs. They're accustomed to being indoors, and the elderly one can't stand the extreme heat in our area.

My problem is my brother. He knows I need a good home for Mom's dogs, but he went out and bought another dog for his family. I was hurt and angry when he told me, but tried not to show it. I'm bitter about it because Mom's pets still need a home.

I'm finding it hard to speak to my brother now. I have never had a mean bone in my body or felt this way before, but I don't understand how he could do this. Am I wrong to feel this way? I respect your opinion, so could you advise me?-- DOGGONE IT!

DEAR DOGGONE IT!: Your feelings are understandable. However, before you let them degenerate into lasting antipathy, have a frank talk with your brother. Tell him your feelings and find out why he didn't volunteer to take in your mother's dogs. There is nothing to be gained by stewing in silence, and he may have had a reason.

You might have better luck finding a home for your mother's dogs if you contact no-kill shelters and rescue groups in your area. The dogs might be ideal companions for another senior if they are loving and housebroken. Most shelters offer a "senior for senior" discount where qualified senior citizens can adopt a senior companion animal, usually seven years old or older, with all fees waived.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Jan 11, 2013
L1: "How do I let her know that I want to withdraw my request for her to be a bridesmaid? I don't want to hurt her feelings,"

Grow up. Sometimes, people's feelings get hurt and you are not responsible for that. Tell her NOW that the friendship is over and she's not invited to your wedding. Man up.

L2: Have you even tried to re-home the dogs? I wouldn't want ankle biter dogs.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Jan 11, 2013
LW1: "but my wedding will be a small, private affair, and her presence would be painful and disruptive"

So you not only want her out of being a bridesmaid, but you don't want her at the wedding? You have every right to boot her, but as usual with half these letters, your main concern is that you don't want to be judged for your actions. Sorry to say, there is no way in hell that you are going to boot her and not hurt her feelings and have her thinking of you negatively.

"Tell Colette politely that your plans have changed and that you have decided to "scale back" the wedding; therefore your wedding party will be smaller and you won't need her after all."

This is the dumbest wording ever. The wedding is scaled back and therefore we are cutting a bridesmaid from the guest list?

LW2: Go get some allergy shots.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Jan 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW2: Go get some allergy shots.
Agreed. And then move the dogs in with you (her), or move in to mom's house with the dogs.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 Jan 11, 2013
1 "Wont be needing her after all..." WTF, way to make her feel like some kinda spare part. Put on your big girl pants and deal with your mess. Or not, I really dont care cause after all, it's girl stuff.

2 Careful! Mom left the house to the dogs in her will. Whomever gets the dogs, gets the house.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#6 Jan 11, 2013
L1: Bridal drama! Don't care!

L2: So the dogs are staying in an empty house by themselves? That's not fair to them. Instead of wasting your energy being mad at your brother, how about you start actively trying to find a home for the dogs? I think Abby's "seniors for seniors" idea is great and you should look into that.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Jan 11, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
L2: So the dogs are staying in an empty house by themselves? That's not fair to them. Instead of wasting your energy being mad at your brother, how about you start actively trying to find a home for the dogs?
"I tried to find them a loving home, to no avail"

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 Jan 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
"I tried to find them a loving home, to no avail"
But how hard did she try? Did she put an ad in the paper? Craigs list? The church bulletin? Or did she just ask few people she knew? Maybe she's not even aware of a "seniors for seniors" animal group.(I wasn't.)

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Jan 11, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
But how hard did she try? Did she put an ad in the paper? Craigs list? The church bulletin? Or did she just ask few people she knew? Maybe she's not even aware of a "seniors for seniors" animal group.(I wasn't.)
I have no idea. But Jam was suggesting she try to find the dog a home. I was just pointing out that she did in case Ms Wow missed that part of the letter

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Jan 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I have no idea. But Jam was suggesting she try to find the dog a home. I was just pointing out that she did in case Ms Wow missed that part of the letter
I missed it too. I rarely read the amy column as thoroughly as I read others.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#11 Jan 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I have no idea. But Jam was suggesting she try to find the dog a home. I was just pointing out that she did in case Ms Wow missed that part of the letter
No, but I'm making a bit of an assumption that she didn't "try" too hard because a) she didn't say what she did, specifically and b) went on to say that her real problem is with her brother, blah blah blah. So I think she's focused on the wrong thing. She can SAY to her brother "hey, it would have been nice for you to take mom's dogs instead of getting a new one" but that doesn't change anything. The homeless dog problem still exists.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Jan 11, 2013
LW1: Feelings are going to get hurt, just get over it.

LW2: I understand completely why he wouldn't want to take in two little spoiled ankle biters. He wanted a pet for his family that would be *theirs*.

I also bet that the LW feels the brother is not really carrying his fair share of the taking-care-of-mother duties and the "rejection" of the dogs was the last straw.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#13 Jan 11, 2013
1. You have not communicated in a month? I think the bridesmaid standing is considered void.

2. Your brother could have stepped up, but maybe he did not want your mother's dogs around as a constant reminder or your mother's situation. I understand your disappointment, but I don't think it's worth crossing him off your Christmas card list.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Jan 11, 2013
squishymama wrote:
I also bet that the LW feels the brother is not really carrying his fair share of the taking-care-of-mother duties
This is probably spot on. I have a friend who was just venting to me recently. She is the sole caretaker for her aging parent and in her vent, she said her brother conveniently choose to live across the country. And while I understand the difficulty she's going thru, I thought well that does not seem like a fair judgement. I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing he lives where he lives since before the parents needed this care and she's unhappy that he did not pick up his life and move to help.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#15 Jan 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>This is probably spot on. I have a friend who was just venting to me recently. She is the sole caretaker for her aging parent and in her vent, she said her brother conveniently choose to live across the country. And while I understand the difficulty she's going thru, I thought well that does not seem like a fair judgement. I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing he lives where he lives since before the parents needed this care and she's unhappy that he did not pick up his life and move to help.
In defense of your friend's brother, the decision to live across teh country may very weel hav been made to get away from Mom without thought of what would happen near end of life.

My mother has always driven me crazy. She is very afraid of cats. Ever since I got married at 19, I have made sure I have had a cat.That ensures there is no chance she will ever move in with me and does not come to my house except on special occasions like Christmas dinner. Its effective.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 Jan 11, 2013
Someone at the Wapo posted on this topic a while ago, and she said that she has six siblings, and she was the only one still living close enough to elderly, sick mom to take care of her in her final years.

But she said all the siblings and their spouses had the attitude, "You're the one who lives there and is taking care of her, whatever you say goes as far as mom's care is concerned." And they all took turns flying out for a long weekend once a month to give her a break.

What a great family!

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