“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Sep 27, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 4-year-old daughter and pregnant with my second child.

My boyfriend and I live in a nice house and have a comfortable lifestyle. We each pay our own bills, and I pay half the mortgage that is in his name.

I am extremely unhappy at my job. The job itself isn't the problem; it's the management team and its effect on office morale. They treat us employees like dirt, thus everyone is always fighting with each other. I try to stay out of it, but I am unhappy to the core there. I want to find another job after my maternity leave, but I'm afraid my soon-to-be-fiance won't be willing to pick up the slack financially while I'm temporarily unemployed.

Isn't this the normal give-and-take that "married" couples go through? Shouldn't I expect him to help me if I'm going through a rough patch? Are my expectations unreasonable?-- EXPECTING AND DEPRESSED IN TEXAS

DEAR EXPECTING: I assume that you have discussed this with your boyfriend and he wasn't receptive. Your expectations wouldn't be unreasonable if you were married or at least engaged. But you're not. While you and I think he should help you financially over this rough patch, he may feel no obligation to do so. If that's the case, your not-quite-fiance appears to be treating you like a roommate-with-benefits. Because you are not on the title of the house you pay half the mortgage on, there is no guarantee you will ever have anything to show for your contribution.

In light of that, of course he should be supportive emotionally and financially if you leave your job. Expecting him to step up to the plate is not unreasonable. But whether he agrees with you and me is another matter. Please find out before you invest any more money or he impregnates you again.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are well into a relaxed retirement. His successful, middle-aged son "Rory" has developed the habit of stopping by unannounced occasionally on his way home from work. This would be fine except that it falls in the middle of the dinner hour. Although we ask Rory to join us, he prefers to just stand over us and talk about his day while we eat. This wasn't his childhood home, so it's not a matter of an extended familiarity with this residence.

I have asked his father to speak to him about it, and while he agrees that his son's actions are rude, he refused to say anything. My husband is mild-mannered and seems to be happy that Rory takes the time to see him. To me, it looks like this is the most convenient time for Rory to get the occasional parent visit out of the way while not considering our feelings.

Because I have had a good long-term relationship with my stepson, I took him aside and politely explained that these dinner interruptions are discourteous. Rory blew up at me! I was astonished to see a mature man I respected act in such a childish manner. Now I'm the culprit in a family rift, while my husband remains mute. Should I have focused on digestion and held my tongue?-- DISAPPOINTED STEPMOM

DEAR STEPMOM: Because your husband refused to say anything and won't back you up, it appears the answer is yes. While some people consider the dinner hour to be sacred, not everyone does, and your stepson's visits were only occasional. Your request might have been better received had you told Rory that his hovering makes you nervous, and if he didn't care to share the food you had prepared, you'd appreciate it if he would at least sit at the table with you for everyone's comfort.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Sep 27, 2013
1 Man bashing! How much you wanna bet the mortgage is more that he could afford alone, and it was with her agreement that they got the bigger house to accommodate "Her" family. No wonder he is stressing over it.

2 What is so hard to say Sit Down

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Sep 27, 2013
Lw2: this woman sounds like a pain in the ass. She seems to say it would ne less of an issue if he sat down and ate, but its mire of a problem cause he doesn't? Wtf. Guaranteed she would be bitching anout having to feed him if he did eat. Hubby is not making a stink because he emjoys seeing his son. How is his presence an imposition. Does he interrupt the silence you would eat in with his social chatter? STFU. If my sons stopped by once a week to chat while i had dinner, i would feel blessed.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Sep 27, 2013
LW1 - Speaking from a somewhat bitter experience, married or not, you have to count only on yourself in the financial support of yourself and your children. Soooooooooooo... talk to the BF (ditch the "soon to be fiancÚ" - it's pathetic) and lay the situation for him honestly. You need to change jobs for your sanity. You are not being idle, but are job-hunting. Start looking for new positions now, though, or at least DURING your maternity leave, not AFTER it. Besides, you can look for a job while you are working. You don't have to quit first.

LW2 - Shoulda coulda woulda....You did what you did. You weren't wrong. The rift will eventually be mended, and if it is not, and you are kept feeling guilty, maybe you need family counseling.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Sep 27, 2013
L1: I agree with Cass. Bite the bullet and work there until you find another position. As for the BF, personally I'd kick him to the curb. Let's see how much he likes those child support payments.

L2: I get that she doesn't like the unannounced thing. While I think the grown son's reaction was over the top, the dad's nonreaction is pitiful. It's his wife and son. At least tell your son you will not stand for him to speak to her that way in his own house. She should start aother conversation wit hhte son, starting off with that she is so glad her husband and him have a great relationship and you want to foster that, but...

Don't call him rude, don't call him anything. State how YOU feel not HIS actions.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Sep 27, 2013
LW1: Sorry, with almost-two kids, you don't get to just quit. You have a responsiblity to your family to bring in some income. Take your maternity leave, extend it if you can, and start looking. If you don't find anything while you're off, I'm afraid you'll have to go back for awhile.

LW2: YOu sound like a PITA. I too would take umbrage with the way you handled this. It was your husband's call to make,and he didn't care. You need to apologize and ask that he resume his visits. Maybe he'll even compromise on sitting down.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#7 Sep 27, 2013
LW1, I agree with Squishy. Plus, LW is askign if it's the same normal give and take with marriage?? She's not married, so she shouldn't expect that, for one. And marriage still doesn't guarantee that he'd agree with you quitting.

And why do you keep getting pregnant with this guy if he won't even PRETEND to make a committment to you?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#8 Sep 27, 2013
They may not be his....
She says "Her" second child, not "Our".
Stina2 wrote:
LW1, I agree with Squishy. Plus, LW is askign if it's the same normal give and take with marriage?? She's not married, so she shouldn't expect that, for one. And marriage still doesn't guarantee that he'd agree with you quitting.
And why do you keep getting pregnant with this guy if he won't even PRETEND to make a committment to you?

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#9 Sep 27, 2013
RACE wrote:
They may not be his....
She says "Her" second child, not "Our".
<quoted text>
Then she needs to stop sleeping around!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Sep 27, 2013
RACE wrote:
They may not be his....
She says "Her" second child, not "Our".
<quoted text>
Awesome. Where do I sign up to be the sole provider for her and her 2 kids from other men bexause she does not like her current job?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Sep 27, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Awesome. Where do I sign up to be the sole provider for her and her 2 kids from other men bexause she does not like her current job?
Jerry Springer might have a sign-up sheet. Not sure.
Welfare Willie

Deerfield, IL

#12 Sep 27, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Awesome. Where do I sign up to be the sole provider for her and her 2 kids from other men bexause she does not like her current job?
Here I am. I get first dibs.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#13 Sep 27, 2013
LW1: You know that you are unlikely to find a better job while you are pregnant and you need your health benefits, so the only answer for the short term is to stay at your present position and deal as best you can. As my mother once said, you must learn to work with all kinds of people. Take this opportunity to figure out how to manage the difficult people in your office and how to let it go at 5 PM and relax into the remainder of your day. Read some books about dealing with difficult people and really take this on as a challenge. It will benefit you throughout your life.

LW2: I'm with squishymama. You made a big fuss over something relatively minor that bothered you, not your husband. You owe Rory an apology. Humble yourself and deliver it with sincerity.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Sep 27, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
LW2: I'm with squishymama. You made a big fuss over something relatively minor that bothered you, not your husband. You owe Rory an apology. Humble yourself and deliver it with sincerity.
While I do not disagree that she made a big fuss over nothing, his reaction, as it was told, seemed a bit over the top. Who knows, though, how she usually treats him. That may have something to do with it. Too bad we don't get every juicy detail.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#15 Sep 27, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
While I do not disagree that she made a big fuss over nothing, his reaction, as it was told, seemed a bit over the top. Who knows, though, how she usually treats him. That may have something to do with it. Too bad we don't get every juicy detail.
That's a good point, too. It would be nice if, following her apology, he responded with, "I'm sorry I blew up." But honestly, it doesn't sound to me like either of them are mature enough to have that conversation.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#16 Sep 27, 2013
L2: I can understand that she felt uncomfortable while he stood over them, but all she had to do was politely ask him if he could please sit down while visiting. She didn't have to tell him he was discourteous. Just give him desert or a beer or a glass of water.
As for her husband it wouldn't have killed him to also ask him to please sit down.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#17 Sep 27, 2013
LW1: how about you keep you legs closed until you are married, since you haven't figured out how BC works ... I predict once your bf leaves ya, you'll be whining about how you are a poor victim of society single mother with two kids and how unfair it is that you have to struggle.

LW2: BFD if he talks you while you eat ... I don't understand why this is such a huge problem. Your husband is probably happy to have someone else to interact with other than your PITA.

LW3:
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#18 Sep 28, 2013
LW1 might be doing that baby a favor if she released that child to be adopted by a family who can provide for him or her. Getting her tubes tied might be a good idea, too.

LW2 probably owes Rory an apology if he became that angry after speaking to her and his father.

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