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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Oct 4, 2012
DEAR ABBY: I had been single a long time when I married a wonderful man, "Edgar," who had custody of his two children. After we had dated awhile, he told me about his vasectomy. He said he and his wife had agreed not to have any more children. As our relationship progressed, Edgar told me he would have the vasectomy reversed if I wanted to have children -- which I said I definitely did. After two years of marriage, I finally brought up the subject.

Edgar then informed me he didn't want to reverse the operation. He said he couldn't handle having another child. Abby, I am crushed. I thought Edgar loved me enough to give me children out of our union and love. I love his children and wouldn't favor our children over his.

I would never consider leaving Edgar over this, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for deceiving me and leading me on. My husband has denied me the children he knew I so desperately wanted.

Abby, I urge couples who may find themselves in a similar situation to be honest with each other before they marry.-- CHILDLESS AND HEARTBROKEN

DEAR CHILDLESS AND HEARTBROKEN: Many churches -- and some states -- now encourage couples who are considering marriage to go through prenuptial counseling to ensure compatibility. I'm all for it. If both parties are honest with each other, it could prevent a world of heartache down the line.

You have my condolences for the children you and Edgar will never have together. While you would never leave him, his dishonesty is grounds for an annulment of the marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and have a problem with my friend "Will." He transferred to my school last year, and I seem to be his only friend. It has become a problem because I have other friends I like to hang out with.

Will is not a good "people" person. He's hard to have around when I have parties, and he constantly interrupts me when I'm trying to talk to other kids. He just doesn't know the right things to say. Also, he comes from a very wealthy family, and sometimes makes sick jokes about middle-class people. This has offended me and some of my friends.

Will is obsessed with politics and likes to strike up debates with me over petty issues. It's really annoying. His obsession with politics makes people think he's a geek. He really can be sometimes, but he's also a nice guy.

My main problem is that at lunch he follows me around when I go to talk to my other friends. When I move to another part of the table, he moves, too -- right across from me -- so I can't talk without him butting in. He's like a maggot sticking to me!

I wish he could find some other friends and not hang out with me all the time. I like him as a person, but what can I do to make him stop following me?-- BUGGED IN CHATHAM, N.J.

DEAR BUGGED: Level with him privately and tell him exactly what you have told me. You would be doing him a kindness. Explain to him that while you like him, you also need to spend time with your other friends -- and to please make other seating arrangements a couple of days a week. That way, you're not cutting him off completely.
ChicagolandChica

Atlanta, GA

#2 Oct 4, 2012
You know, the lying sucks and I get that. He should have been honest if or when his feelings changed.

But "he loved me enough to have kids with me" is such baloney. Maybe I'm just one of those cold childless women or something, I don't understand the deep need some people seem to have to procreate. You want kids? You have stepkids! Take care of them! Be the best mom you can be to them!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Oct 4, 2012
L1: You're an idiot. vasectomies can't easily be reversed successfully -- it's rare that it's possible. He knew this, and he suckered you.

L2: STopped reading at "I am 13."

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Oct 4, 2012
1 He did not lie, he simply changed his mind. Before he married you, he had the same illusion as you, white picket fence, happy kids on the swingset....
But marriage showed the reality, and his view changed. Your claim of him seeding you for children as an act of love is stupid. Kids are work, they cost money and prevent you for doing a lot of cool stuff.

2 dear amby thank you for putting the age of the writer at the beginning, it saves me a lot of unnecessary reading.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#5 Oct 4, 2012
These both suck. Q of the day, anyone?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Oct 4, 2012
LW1: He went back on his word. You need to decide if having children is more important than being married to him. If having children weighs out, you may be able to get your marriage annulled.

LW2: Take him under your wing and give him some constructive criticism and pointers and help him try to broaden his circle of friends. If you were a good friend, thatís what you would do.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Oct 4, 2012
Isn't an annulment a Catholic-only thing? I never heard of Lutherans getting an annulment.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Oct 4, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Isn't an annulment a Catholic-only thing? I never heard of Lutherans getting an annulment.
An annulment is also a legal notion. You are thinking of the religious notion. Both treat the marriage as never having been valid, but one is in the eyes of the church and the other is in the eyes of the government.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Oct 4, 2012
I think getting an annulment 2+ years after the marriage would be next to impossible.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Oct 4, 2012
Interesting. Wiki, re: annulment in the state of NY:

"The time limit is three years (not one year). This does not run from the date of the marriage, but the date the fraud was discovered, or could reasonably have been discovered."

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#11 Oct 4, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
These both suck. Q of the day, anyone?
Okay, I have one. Saw it on Reddit the other day and it had me thinking.

If you could live your life over, what would you change/do differently? If anything at all. Provided it's in your control, I mean, you can't be born a different gender to different people or anything.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#12 Oct 4, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I think getting an annulment 2+ years after the marriage would be next to impossible.
Nope. In California there is no time limit if the grounds are met.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

#13 Oct 4, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: You're an idiot. vasectomies can't easily be reversed successfully -- it's rare that it's possible. He knew this, and he suckered you.
It's not rare.
http://www.vasectomymedical.com/vasectomy-rev...

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#15 Oct 4, 2012
LW1: If having children is that important to you, then Edgar is gonna have to go.

LW2: Um, you do know that maggots are only stuck to dead and/or rotting things, right?
animaniactoo

New York, NY

#16 Oct 4, 2012
LW1, you don't leave Edgar for not wanting to have kids.

You do determine whether he has changed his mind, or never wanted to have kids.

If he never wanted to have kids, then you leave because you're married to a man who thinks it's okay to lie to you - about MAJOR stuff no less - in order to get what he wants, knowing that it will leave you unhappy and disappointed. Is that really a man you want to be with? Can you trust him not to do it again?

And who is playing mindgames with you framing the issue as leaving him over whether or not you have children? You or him?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#17 Oct 4, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
Okay, I have one. Saw it on Reddit the other day and it had me thinking.
If you could live your life over, what would you change/do differently? If anything at all. Provided it's in your control, I mean, you can't be born a different gender to different people or anything.
Geez! That's heavy.
:)

My answer is that I would have either never quit horseback riding or found another sport that I loved as a child that would carry through to adulthood. Physical activity is my biggest health-related struggle - nothing is appealing anymore, but I know it's going to be more and more important as I age to be active so I don't end up decrepit.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Oct 4, 2012
cycle003 wrote:
I'm not buying it from that source. I've been with three men who've gotten vasectomies on my watch. All were told the same thing by their urologists: Vasectomies are extremely difficult to reverse successfully, and to never,e ver count on it. They do the procedure differently than they used to, and it results in making reversal even more difficult than it used to be.

You certainly never bank on it as a promise to a wife.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

#19 Oct 4, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm not buying it from that source. I've been with three men who've gotten vasectomies on my watch. All were told the same thing by their urologists: Vasectomies are extremely difficult to reverse successfully, and to never,e ver count on it. They do the procedure differently than they used to, and it results in making reversal even more difficult than it used to be.
You certainly never bank on it as a promise to a wife.
WebMD has the same conclusion:
"In general, vasectomy reversal ... Leads to overall pregnancy rates of greater than 50%"
http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduc...
Their source is cited.

Of course you can't rely on it. Anyone who would get a vasectomy expecting it to be only a temporary measure is a fool. But reversals resulting in pregnancies are not rare.
Community Disorganizer

Florham Park, NJ

#20 Oct 4, 2012
LW 1: Thatís what you get for trusting a guy named Edgar

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#21 Oct 4, 2012
I keep thinking of MIB
Edgar suit.
Community Disorganizer wrote:
LW 1: Thatís what you get for trusting a guy named Edgar

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