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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 24, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s and have been with my boyfriend for more than two years. We are serious, having lived together for a year, and we discuss marriage often. We make all our major decisions and purchases together and are generally very happy.

The problem arises when his children from a previous relationship are around (he shares custody with his ex). I am overwhelmed by them. They are very needy and have some minor manner problems. I am uncomfortable with all the attention they demand of me. They are literally always in my space, trying to sit on my lap or show me something, etc. It gets to the point where I just want to get away. Sometimes they're OK and we have some fun, but it's the downtime at home that is annoying.

I am ashamed writing this, but I need some advice because the kids are obviously not going away. Will they grow out of this? It's making me question if I can remain in the relationship.-- BOTHERED IN BUFFALO

DEAR BOTHERED: You need an attitude adjustment. I don't think you realize what a compliment it is that the children compete for your attention and want to be close to you. A way to deal with this could be to arrange to have one-on-one time with each child while your boyfriend spends time with the others. It is very important that they spend quality time with their father.

If you and he agree that their manners need tweaking, it shouldn't be too difficult to set a good example, and praise and reward them as they improve. When they grow older, they will develop interests of their own and be less needy. But for now, it is important you work on being patient, show the children you care about them -- and let your boyfriend know when you need a timeout. Everyone does.

DEAR ABBY: My 26-year-old son has been going with a 23-year-old woman off and on for a year and a half. He has tried to break off the relationship several times. Last weekend she played the "I'll kill myself" card when he told her he wanted to move on.

I take any threat of suicide seriously. However, she is holding this over his head. I need the right words to use to talk to him about her threat.-- FEELING LOST IN GEORGIA

DEAR FEELING LOST: The woman is trying to manipulate your son using emotional blackmail. He should not attempt to "rescue" her by continuing to see her. During their next conversation, he should let her know the personal responsibility for her well-being is hers and hers alone, and he wants no part of it. If he feels she is truly a danger to herself, he should notify her family so they can help her get the psychological help she needs.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please tell me what women are looking for? I keep being told that they feel so "safe" with me, it's like dating their brother. They know I won't force them into doing anything they don't want to do.-- PUZZLED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR PUZZLED: It looks like the women you're asking out may have been dating men who forced them into doing things they didn't want, or may be trying to tell you politely that their interest in you is only platonic.

It's time to ask some married friends what is causing women to react to you this way. Having been through the dating scene, they should be able to give you some helpful input.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#2 Aug 24, 2013
1- He's a package deal, sweetheart. His kids will always be in his life. If they're too much for you, find someone with less baggage.

2- He's 26, let him handle his own relationships.

3- They're just not that into you

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Aug 24, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- He's a package deal, sweetheart. His kids will always be in his life. If they're too much for you, find someone with less baggage.
2- He's 26, let him handle his own relationships.
3- They're just not that into you
Who are you and how did you get into EDog's account?

For the record:

1.I agree
2.I agree
3.I agree.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Aug 24, 2013
1 Sounds like the kids are really young. abby is right, if you need a break, take a walk or go to the grocery store for an hour.

2 dog is right, and if she says it again, call the cops and baker act her.

3 incest is best!

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#5 Aug 24, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Who are you and how did you get into EDog's account?
For the record:
1.I agree
2.I agree
3.I agree.
I think I see pigs flying around here.
I agree with all of the above.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#6 Aug 24, 2013
Who the hell hacked into my profile!?

L1, I find it despicable that you hate innocent children so much! Go have your uterus removed!

2- You can't let this succubus control your son! You need to step in there and get between them til the btch leaves him alone.

3- Those women WANT to be mistreated! Smack em around a little. They'll respect you better.

Better?
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#7 Aug 24, 2013
LW1 - No, you need a boyfriend adjustment. You can't marry this one. Part your ways and never, ever date a guy with kids. You aren't cut out to be a stepmom.

LW2 - I feel your pain, but your son is 26. The extent of your involvement here is - maybe, at most - to tell your son that healthy people don't kill themselves. Either the GF is making an empty threat (in which case she is a blackmailer) or she needs the help of a mental health professional, and your son isn't one.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#8 Aug 24, 2013
LW3 - You pick women that are wrong for you.

Since: Jun 09

Pinellas Park, FL

#9 Aug 24, 2013
I agree with Cass today on both. I also like RACE's idea about Baker Acting the gf in LW2.

I don't think LW1 should stick with this guy. My thinking is that they don't have the kids THAT often and she's already annoyed. Being a stepmom is a big responsibility. And hopefully she won't have her own kids, because kids in general are needy (some aren't AS needy, thankfully1). Also, maybe these kids do't get a lot of attention from their mom.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#10 Aug 24, 2013
2: Christopher' GF was crazy. Not kill herself crazy, just nuts. I like her, but she's nuts. After they broke up (the last time) a few month's later he came to me asking me my advice about letting her come for the weekend.

FWIW I told him to decide if he wanted to put himself through all that drama (my advice was longer than that but that's the gist of it) or just let things lie...he opted to not let her come over and to block her calls.

He was happy with his decision. BUT...he came to me for advice. I didn't preemptively give it. Full disclosure, this was the GF who was with me in the room when they took him off of the life support. She's crazy, but she's not a DB or anything. <shrug>

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Aug 24, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- He's a package deal, sweetheart. His kids will always be in his life.
She's aware of this and says so in her letter. She wants tips on how to cope with the attention suck that they are that she has not experienced before.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Aug 24, 2013
Cass wrote:
LW1 - No, you need a boyfriend adjustment. You can't marry this one. Part your ways and never, ever date a guy with kids. You aren't cut out to be a stepmom.
I disagree. My own wife gets overwhelmed sometimes by the amount of attention our kids demand, and she's had 7 years of indoctrination. Hell, we are going on a long weekend trip next weekend just to get some kid free time. I beg each year for her to take the kids to her parents house to give me at least one kid free weekend of college football.

I think her feelings are normal especially for someone who has never had kids and had no idea what to expect and all of a sudden, boom, these kids are all over her.

This might not be the relationship for her, or it might be just fine after she has time to adjust to life with kids.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#13 Aug 24, 2013
1: I won't flame her. She doesn't hate the kids, just the non-stop attention. I mean, I would get tired of my own kids if they were always hanging on. It's not healthy after a certain point, and I wonder if they are lacking something from their own mom.

I can't date guys with kids. Tried it; don't like it.

2: See, it's nice to raise nice kids, but you have to raise kids who can stand up for themselves and not be emotionally manipulated in life. He must find his balls without you.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#14 Aug 24, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I disagree. My own wife gets overwhelmed sometimes by the amount of attention our kids demand, and she's had 7 years of indoctrination. Hell, we are going on a long weekend trip next weekend just to get some kid free time. I beg each year for her to take the kids to her parents house to give me at least one kid free weekend of college football.
I think her feelings are normal especially for someone who has never had kids and had no idea what to expect and all of a sudden, boom, these kids are all over her.
This might not be the relationship for her, or it might be just fine after she has time to adjust to life with kids.
I get overwhelmed with my kids' need for attention too sometimes, but "sometimes" is not "they are always in my space." All parents need a "me time" occasionally, but the LW doesn't have the kids all the time they are not at work (and for SAHPs, 24/7). Her BF's kids don't live with them 100% of the time, and she is already overwhelmed. That is only going to grow into resentment towards the kids. They seem to be little (lap-climbing references and all), so that's a lot of years of "they are always in my space" she is facing if she marries the guy.

I kinda feel that "you need an attitude adjustment" is patronizing. She doesn't sound like she wants to step into the role of a stepparent. And that's fine! But that means she can't have this guy. She's lived with him for a year and still hasn't adjusted to being a stepmom, although she has apparently tried quite hard. The kids deserve somebody who will adjust quite a bit sooner, and she deserves somebody whose kids will not be imposing on her so much.

I am a strong believer that "just bite the bullet for now, and then you'll gradually adjust to this MAJOR issue that will be in your life for a LONG TIME" is not a good principle to build relationships on.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#15 Aug 24, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1: I won't flame her. She doesn't hate the kids, just the non-stop attention. I mean, I would get tired of my own kids if they were always hanging on. It's not healthy after a certain point, and I wonder if they are lacking something from their own mom.
I can't date guys with kids. Tried it; don't like it.
Yup. I loved MY kid, even so I needed an occasional break.

When I was like 19 I think I dated a guy with a kid. Kid was like 8-ish (yeah, I know...) anyway that one experience fixed me forever basically.

Full disclosure: Chris' dad had kids from a previous marriage, but they were all older (youngest was 15) and I made the decision that I could live with that, but to have a kid that *I* would be raising, or helping to raise (and the guy with the kid had custody) wasn't ever gonna happen. If Chris' dad had had custody of small kid(s) that never would have progressed past the weekend at the beach (long very cool weekend) stage. <shrug>

The majority of people my age have grown or nearly grown kids now...except the ones that waited until they were 45 (!!!!) to breed, so I wouldn't automatically shut someone out for having lived their life...I mean,*I* lived *mine* so there's that...

But, I don't want to be around someone else's small(er) kids, not even for an afternoon. If LW doesn't have the time/space/energy/desire to embrace these kids, and all that it entails, I think she should walk now.
test

Los Angeles, CA

#16 Aug 24, 2013
test
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#17 Aug 25, 2013
Hey, some of us can't help how old we are when we breed!
I certainly never thought I'd be 36 and unmarried!

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#18 Aug 25, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
Hey, some of us can't help how old we are when we breed!
I certainly never thought I'd be 36 and unmarried!
I'm not talking about the ones where that's just how life went, I'm talking about the ones who deliberately wait until they are near grandparent age to start a family. But not my business.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#19 Aug 25, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm not talking about the ones where that's just how life went, I'm talking about the ones who deliberately wait until they are near grandparent age to start a family. But not my business.
I deliberately waited until I was ready financially and emotionally to *raise* my kids. Had my first one at 35, the second one at 40. Glad that I waited. I am a better parent than I would have been at 25.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#20 Aug 25, 2013
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
I deliberately waited until I was ready financially and emotionally to *raise* my kids. Had my first one at 35, the second one at 40. Glad that I waited. I am a better parent than I would have been at 25.
I'm not dogging anyone for waiting and 35 isn't that "old" for a first kid. I definitely don't think that most people are ready at 20 (ish), but IMO (and it's only MY opinion) 45+ is too old to begin. But like I said, not my business, to each his/her own you know? FWIW I think waiting until one can afford their kids is the better course of action. I was 24 (and a half) when Chris was born, but I was ready and we could afford him. If I'd waited I would have had way too many health issues to even have a baby, so for us it was the better choice. My parents were both 18 going on 19 when I was born, but it was the early 60s and that wasn't at all uncommon. <shrug>

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