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1 - 11 of 11 Comments Last updated May 2, 2014

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
May 2, 2014
 
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I both served in the military. When she returned from Egypt 19 months ago, she dropped a bomb on me, saying she didn't want to be married anymore. She said she had settled for second best all her life and that's what she had done with me. She went on to say she knows there's someone better than me out there, and she's going to find him.

All the evidence points to an affair, which she denies -- constant trips out of town, emails and phone calls. We are now living paycheck to paycheck. We have no more savings and I'm paying all the expenses when it comes to the kids. She retired a year ago and refuses to get a job worthy of her experience. The worst part is, our kids have suffered.

We have been separated ever since she got back. She says our kids aren't worth her trying to save our marriage. Our close friends and family are still shocked, but no one more than me. It has been a struggle, which almost caused me to have a breakdown. Everything I do now is to lessen the impact on our kids. What advice can you offer me?-- TRYING TO COPE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TRYING TO COPE: Please accept my sympathy. Your marriage is over and you have to accept it.

If you haven't consulted a lawyer, you should do it NOW to figure out what your responsibility -- and HERS -- will be to the children once your divorce is final. They should be cared for by the parent who is willing and able to give them stability, and the lawyer can help you determine this. From your description of your wife, that would be you, while she searches for someone she "deserves." Personally, I hope she finds him, because the way she has treated you has been brutal.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a student in a community college. I enjoy the diversity of the students here; many are adults who are changing careers or getting the education they've always wanted.

One woman in my class has a habit of bringing her toddler with her. I understand that sitters can be unreliable and child care is expensive, but this disrupts the class -- and I know it distracts the mother, as well. She often has to get up mid-lesson when her child needs to use the restroom.

I don't want to step on toes or intrude in people's personal lives, but college is no place for an unruly toddler. How can I handle this?-- STUDENT IN NEW YORK

DEAR STUDENT: I wholeheartedly agree with you that toddlers do not belong in college lectures where they distract the students. This is something that should be discussed with whomever is conducting the class, and if that doesn't fix the problem, with the dean.

P.S. Some colleges have baby-sitting facilities on campus.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
May 2, 2014
 
1- Dude, she's not that into you, it's over. What Abby said

2- Something tells me this was written by the professor, not a student. Bring the issue up to your superiors, and give this girl an E

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

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#3
May 2, 2014
 
LW1- lW wants to place all the blame on the wife, but he sounds like a doormat. There comes a point when you have to acknowledge that only one of you is working on keeping the marriage together and move forward. I do wonder why the LW's wife hasn't filed for divorce already, but it is much less expensive if both parties agree to mediation rather than paying for their own lawyers.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#4
May 2, 2014
 

Judged:

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1: Rude. Sadly, courts always gear to moms and see dads as mere ATM's, which grosses me out.

2: Woah....I've seen people bring elementary kids (once) or bring kids to a voluntary lab (not a real class), but a toddler to a real class all the time?
Yeah, prof needs a backbone. So unacceptable and rude.
And why the plug/justification for comm. college at the start? It's not needed for the issue...weird.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
May 2, 2014
 
1 Dude, you are all over the place on this. Where did you savings go? Whats with the paycheck thing, She retired, so she must be getting something from the military every month, Your separated, so where is she living, and exactly what are you asking abby for help with?

2 MYOB. Its not your job to decide what is allowed in the class, just do your work.
Cass

Claremont, CA

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#6
May 2, 2014
 
LW1 - Sorry for your loss. Make sure that the divorce does not turn into a never-ending battle. It'll preserve your sanity.

LW2 - Talk to your prof. I can't imagine allowing toddlers in my class on more than one occasion. Emergencies happen, and I'd be understanding - once. If "emergencies" start happening on a regular basis, I'd have to say no to a student brining his/her toddler to a college class.

I myself have had my 8yo sit in my class when her school had a holiday and mine didn't, but she had a Kindle and headphones, and was seated in the corner out of everyone's way. A toddler, though? No, it's not doable. When she was a toddler and her day care was closed when I had to go to work, I just took a day off.

As for babysitting services on campus? Yeah, I wish. Our school has a day-care that's open 7:00 - 6:00, but kids have to be enrolled on a regular schedule, and it isn't cheap. Low-income students can't afford it. Heck, it's expensive even for the faculty, although it does not break their bank.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

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#7
May 2, 2014
 
L2: I'm surprised this has been allowed. Geez, and I felt guilty the couple of times I brought my dog with me to class, back in the day (in a carrier... no one even knew she was there). I can't stand when people bring their kids to work and let them run around the office, so I'd imagine it's even more frustrating in a classroom.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

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#8
May 2, 2014
 
1: It's too bad he isn't more specific about the current situation. They're separated but he doesn't specifically say who has the kids. She doesn't think they're worth her staying in the marriage and he says he's doing everything he can to help them. That seems to point to his having custody but it isn't necessarily so. She may be getting some retirement benefits but I doubt it's as much as her salary had been and if she's paying for her own place to live and he lives elsewhere - well that's a financial crunch easy to see. He's just looking for advice as to what he should do next presumably for himself and his kids. Certainly the marriage is over. It might be a good idea to get himself and the kids into a "family" counselor to help them figure things out. Certainly this is affecting the kids no matter what he does to alleviate that problem. And most definitely, he needs to see a lawyer to find out what his rights are and to get the financial situation straightened out to make sure his ex can't get free access to his money so he can support the kids. The courts may seem to lean toward the wife/mother's advantage but I've seen cases where they've gone the other way. My dad got full custody of his 5 kids with apparently no visitation rights given to his ex-wife. That was back in the mid-40s. My cousin not only lost her kids but had to pay child support as well. Her ex is a lawyer and according to her, he manipulated everything to his liking. I won't go into details. So it may be more difficult for a man to get custody but it does happen. It would seem if what this lw says is the entire truth, he has a chance.

2: I think this lw has a point. She's paying tuition to get instruction. This instruction is being interrupted on a regular basis by another student's practice of bringing a young child to class. The child is a distraction and would be so even if he didn't need to be taken out in the middle of the class. It sounds as though either the instructor likes her and doesn't want her to have to miss class or is afraid he'd get in trouble for telling her to not bring the child. It may be time for the college to check its policy regarding students bringing their kids to class with them. It may differ from department to department but they still need some kind of written policy. Faculty and students should be informed of this policy.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#9
May 2, 2014
 

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L1: It's been over a year. It doesn't matter whether or not she's having an affair -- either way she still doesn't want to be married to you. Accept it, accept that YOU deserve better, get things in order, see a lawyer and start living your life.

L2: If there isn't a rule about bringing toddlers to class, there should be. Talk to the dean, school official or whoever takes care of these type of policy issues.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#10
May 2, 2014
 
LW1: This seems like a really sucky situation. And it sounds like you're still living in the same house, which is not good. Find a lawyer and get this divorce started.

And I'd hope that the VA could help her out with some counseling; perhaps something happened that she is unwilling to confront. <mimishrug>

LW2: Talk to the teacher if it is really that disruptive.

One would think that if the mother could find a way to leave her kid somewhere while she went to class, she would. This makes me think that she has no other option, and I personally, would be patient with her. Maybe even bring something for the kid to do, like a coloring book.
Kuuipo

Herndon, VA

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#11
May 2, 2014
 

Judged:

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LW1: What everyone said, especially RACE. LW sounds very confused. He should see a counselor and an attorney, and fight for primary custody.

LW2: I sympathize with the mother who is trying to get an education and raise a toddler at the same time, but if the child disrupts the class regularly, she needs to find a solution. Like squishymama, I would try to be patient with her. The child is probably just bored.

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