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Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#1 Nov 26, 2012
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 51-year-old man. Three years ago, my first and only marriage ended after 20 years. Over the past two years, I have been in a wonderful relationship with a very bright woman, "Toni," who told me she had been married twice before.

A year ago, her job required that she move out of state, but we have successfully maintained the long-distance relationship with frequent visits and daily phone calls.

A few days ago, I learned by chance that she was briefly married a third time while she was in her early 20s. I'm having a difficult time with this news -- not for the additional marriage, but for the fact that she chose not to share it with me. I have bared my soul to her and thought she had done the same. I'm sad and disappointed.

Toni doesn't know that I know this, but it has changed my feelings for her. Trust issues are in question. Do I bring this up now? If so, how? Do I wait for her to bring it up someday in the future? How do I reconcile it in the meantime?-- LET DOWN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LET DOWN: You say you visit each other frequently, so I assume you plan to be together soon. When you see her, tell her you were told she had been briefly married a third time. She may have told you she was twice divorced, and if the marriage in her 20s was annulled, that may be the reason she didn't mention it. If you were deliberately lied to, you will know by her reaction.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I dated this guy, "Craig." I tried to be the perfect girlfriend, and I was extremely close to his grandfather. When Craig went away to the Army, I would visit his grandfather regularly, and we developed a special bond. When Craig got back, we were supposed to get married, but he dumped me. The next day he had a new girlfriend.

Craig was hard to get over, and I didn't handle the breakup well. Because his grandfather asked, I tried to maintain a relationship with him, but Craig's then-wife didn't like it and asked him to end my contact with his friends and family.

Sometimes I wonder if I could have changed things. When Craig broke up with his wife, we exchanged emails on a dating website where we both apologized for what happened between us.

I just heard that his grandfather died. Would it be wrong of me to reach out to him? We don't talk.-- STILL NOT OVER HIM IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR STILL NOT OVER HIM: I see no reason why you shouldn't extend your sympathy to Craig for the loss of his grandfather, with whom you were close. However, keep in mind that there is a reason you haven't been talking and that communication is supposed to be two-way. Also, as much as you may wish it would, it may not resurrect your romance.

DEAR ABBY: We are a small group of senior women. Whenever we go to a restaurant, one member of the group insists on changing tables that are offered by the host/hostess. This can happen two or three times, and I find it embarrassing and annoying. It seems like some kind of control issue to me, and I don't want to be part of it. Any suggestions?-- TIRED OF THE MUSICAL CHAIRS

DEAR TIRED: I agree with you that it's a control issue. Because you find it embarrassing and annoying, ask the other women in the group if it bothers them, too. If the answer is yes, then the woman needs to be told to cut it out, or she'll be invited to join you less often.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Nov 26, 2012
L1: I'm thinking that marriage was her FIRST marriage, not her third. Is she a mess? Does she talk about her failed marriages like it was all the other person's fault? Does she fail to take responsibility for her role in the breakdowns? Does she indicate that she's learned and grown from three marriages and divorces?

L2: Grow the hell up. Your letter was annoying to read.

L3: Or it could be that someone doesn't want to sit right by the bathrooms. OR right by the kitchen door. Or near the front door (it could be cold by the door to the restaurant). Or under the cooling vent. I think you have a control issue as well.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Nov 26, 2012
Changing tables 3 times in the same restaurant is overboard.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: Or it could be that someone doesn't want to sit right by the bathrooms. OR right by the kitchen door. Or near the front door (it could be cold by the door to the restaurant). Or under the cooling vent. I think you have a control issue as well.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Nov 26, 2012
RACE wrote:
Changing tables 3 times in the same restaurant is overboard.
<quoted text>
Agreed. The group needs to determine criteria for a table then just stick with it. Cold babies can wear a sweater.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#5 Nov 26, 2012
RACE wrote:
Changing tables 3 times in the same restaurant is overboard.
<quoted text>
Yeah, it's happening multiple times, every time. I'd probably just start arriving later to avoid the dog and pony show. I hate dining with high maintenance people. I don't want a snot rocket in my salad after someone pisses off the staff, thanks.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#6 Nov 26, 2012
RACE wrote:
Changing tables 3 times in the same restaurant is overboard.
<quoted text>
I agree.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#7 Nov 26, 2012
L1: I think Toni leaving out a marriage that ended in annulment vs. divorce is misleading and is basically lying. Especially if the question is how many times she's been MARRIED (not divorced). Having said that, it's a problem that can be worked through and doesn't have to be a deal-breaker.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Nov 26, 2012
LW1: I can't figure why you're putting so much significance on something that seems to have happened 30 years ago. I think you're just looking for some drama so you can get out of this relationship *you're* afraid is going to fail.

LW2: Extend your condolences, but don't expect anything to magically happen regarding his feelings for you.

LW3: As a group, just don't move. She'll get the message after eating by herself a couple of times.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Nov 26, 2012
LW1: Communication. Ask her whatís up.

LW2: I think it would be okay to reach out to him, but it sounds like the ship has sailed in terms of a relationship between you two. So, you just need to realize this, and when you sign your letter ďstill not over him in MassachusettsĒ it seems pretty obvious that you donít realize this and that the reason you are contemplating reaching out to him isnít because you were close to his grandfather, but because you are looking for an excuse to have contact with him in the hopes that something could possibly work out between you two.

There was a reason he broke up with you, and the feelings just arenít there. So you need to move on.

LW3: The rest of you need to quit being so passive and letting her call the shots.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#10 Nov 26, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't want a snot rocket in my salad after someone pisses off the staff, thanks.
Never, I mean never, be a pain the azz before you've been served all your food.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#11 Nov 26, 2012
I wonder how LW1 found out about her first marriage.
cay

Hudsonville, MI

#12 Nov 26, 2012
Saluki Rod wrote:
<quoted text>
Never, I mean never, be a pain the azz before you've been served all your food.
This. If you're someone who does this at all, you need to watch the movie "Waiting..." and see if your attitude changes.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Nov 26, 2012
L1: That's the easiest divorce to explain away -- too young and not knowing what relationships are all about. It was probably an annullment. She's probably embarrassed she has had three failed marriages. Yes, she should have told him but does it mean she's a big, fat liar or does it mean she has shame she needs to get over?

L2: Tried to be a perfect girlfriend? Barf. Next time try to be yourself. Yes, send condolences.

L3: The first time it happened as you were switching to the second table and she making noise to get a third I would have spoke up. "Dorothy, this table is fine. Please sit down."

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#14 Nov 26, 2012
Toj wrote:
L1: That's the easiest divorce to explain away -- too young and not knowing what relationships are all about. It was probably an annullment. She's probably embarrassed she has had three failed marriages. Yes, she should have told him but does it mean she's a big, fat liar or does it mean she has shame she needs to get over?
and wiht this, i've got images of ross from friends on the brain... but, in his case, the drunken indiscretion was masrriage #3, and he didn't get out of it quickly enough to be able to get it annulled or soemthing like that.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#15 Nov 26, 2012
cay wrote:
<quoted text>
This. If you're someone who does this at all, you need to watch the movie "Waiting..." and see if your attitude changes.
That movie has the best ending of all time! Destroys me every time I watch it.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Nov 26, 2012
Aisle Sitter wrote:
<quoted text>
and wiht this, i've got images of ross from friends on the brain... but, in his case, the drunken indiscretion was masrriage #3, and he didn't get out of it quickly enough to be able to get it annulled or soemthing like that.
Friends. That was a good show.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#17 Nov 26, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I wonder how LW1 found out about her first marriage.
Snooping. Read all her emails. He really tracks everything she does. This is the tip of the iceberg.

:)

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#18 Nov 26, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I wonder how LW1 found out about her first marriage.
It's on the internet if you know where/how to look. Marriages and divorces are almost always public record.

I wonder if he stumbled across it or had reason to go digging. He had to have been digging for *something* in any case.

Unless someone Toni has known for a long time accidentally spilled the beans.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#19 Nov 26, 2012
Toj wrote:
"Dorothy, this table is fine. Please sit down."
That won't work so well if her name is Blanche.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#20 Nov 26, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
That won't work so well if her name is Blanche.
Or Sublime.

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