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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Dec 10, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am a single 25-year-old man with a 15-month-old son. I didn't plan on having any children, but my son is everything to me. His mother and I did not work out well living together. We had different priorities and personalities and could not comfortably coexist.

I have no ill will toward "Andrea." She's a great person and a phenomenal mom. My dilemma is I constantly regret not working harder to stay with her. I see her new boyfriend with my son and it kills me. I see my son only on my two days off. I wish I could see him more than that, but the only way I could see it happening is if Andrea and I got back together.

Everyone I know says we made the right choice for the three of us, but they may be biased toward my side of the situation. I'm afraid of not being there for my boy like my father wasn't there for me when I was a kid. I don't think 18 hours a week with my child will be enough to prevent him from feeling the same way I did.-- TORN FATHER IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR TORN: You have some serious thinking to do. Feeling as you do, that you didn't try hard enough to save your relationship, discuss it with your ex and see how she feels about the possibility of a reconciliation.

However, while I admire your desire to be a good father, it would be unfair to Andrea to try to get back together only to spend more time with your son. Consider asking her how she'd feel about you having him one night during the week in addition to your days off. Because the breakup wasn't acrimonious, she may welcome the idea and agree.

story continues below

DEAR ABBY: I live in a condo complex and am appalled at the disgusting mess some residents leave behind in the laundry room. It's hard to fathom that people are unaware that they are expected to empty the lint screen after using the dryer. My husband says they just don't care.

Why should I have to empty it just so I can use the machine? People also leave the tops and insides of the machines dirty with lint, hair and what looks like mites. Don't you agree that people should wipe the laundry area down if they've left a mess?-- TIDY IN NORTHAMPTON, MASS.

DEAR TIDY: Whether I agree is less important than whether the board of directors of your condominium association does. Bring this up at the next homeowners meeting and ask that some rules be set and a sign posted in the laundry room "reminding" those who use it to PLEASE be sure the machines are left clean when they are finished using them. I can't guarantee this will eliminate the problem, but it may help.

P.S. If you are correct about seeing mites in the laundry room, the manager should be informed so an exterminator can visit the complex and eradicate the infestation.

DEAR ABBY: What's the proper response when a woman tells you, "You're a lucky woman to have such a good husband who loves you so much"? That phrase bothers me because I feel it is a slap in my face -- like what am I, chopped liver? Am I not worthy of a wonderful marriage and family?

It is usually said by women who are unfamiliar with our lives and the struggles we have both endured since we met each other. Do I say thank you? Smile? Ignore it? I would never tell another woman she is lucky to have her man because I feel it's an insult. Am I overreacting?-- HE'S LUCKY, TOO, IN COLORADO

DEAR HE'S LUCKY, TOO: Yes. The women who acknowledge how lucky you are may be comparing the way your husband treats you in public to the way they are treated by their husbands. Instead of being defensive, smile and say, "I agree. We're lucky to have each other."

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#2 Dec 10, 2013
LW1 - Sorry, but you are stuck. Your ex is in a relationship. If it is steady and happy, you have no right whatsoever to bring up reconciliation. She'd be right to tell you to go fly a kite. Do your best to stay as much as you can in your son's life. See if you can arrange for some extra time with him on the days you are not off, like one night a week in addition to weekends. Ask for more time on holidays or your vacations. Call him, especially as he gets older and becomes capable of actually talking on the phone.

LW2 - So, you are not in such a happy marriage as you wish you could be (struggles and all), and it bugs you that others don't see the ugly part of it? Well, you can either hang out your dirty laundry to people who don't know you well enough to know about your struggles, or you can say "Thanks" and move onto another topic.

As for being chopped liver and not deserving of a wonderful marriage, a lot of people are deserving, but not for everybody does it pan out. Yep, if it has worked well for you, even with the struggles, you are, to a degree, lucky. Why not acknowledge it?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Dec 10, 2013
Lw2: in my home, i empty the lint screen BEFORE each load, so having to do so at the laundry room of a condo would not phase me a bit. Sounds like you just wanna complain. Why should you have to empty it just to use the machine? Dumb question. You're not gonna affect anyone but you if you don't

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Dec 10, 2013
LW3 - With the rental market high in my area, I doubt too many landlords are bothering to return calls without messages left. They can find potential renters among those who do leave messages.

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#5 Dec 10, 2013
LW2 - Okay, I got confused with letters. It was the LW3 I was responding to above, not LW2, and my LW3 response should have gone to yesterday's column.:-(

I hate emptying somebody else's lint, but I can't MAKE them do it for themselves, so I am stuck doing it. Oh, well, you accept minor annoyances in life and don't let them bug you. There are much bigger problems in life than lint in a common condo/apartment dryer.

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#6 Dec 10, 2013
L2: Yeah, post a sign. I'm sure that will help <eye roll>. It's a community laundry room... deal. It's not like people are leaving dead rats in the machines.

L3: Oh, wahhh... You're a major PITA. And I hate the word "deserve" in this context.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Dec 10, 2013
1- You shouldn't attempt to reconcile with someone you're not compatible with just for the sake of your kid. You'd actually be doing him a bigger disservice. And your ex is in a relationship anyway. Try to get more visitation if that's your issue.

2- Ok, if I'm finding mites in the washer, I'm using a different facility! But yeah, you just want to complain and get validation from Abby.

Also, the facilities I have experience with, the public doesn't have access to the lint traps. A sign says they are emptied by the workers at the end of the day. Obviously this isn't the situation in the lw's case, but still, deal.

3- Again, someone looking for something to complain about.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 Dec 10, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
L3: Oh, wahhh... You're a major PITA. And I hate the word "deserve" in this context.
Who said "deserve?"

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 Dec 10, 2013
1 grass is always greener aint it?
What everyone else said, ask for xtra days, your x may like to have a date night with her new boy toy, so it could be a win/win

2 It is gross, and if you catch them leaving that crap there you should lay into them like the hounds of hell, oh, and bring a can of lysol to kill those mites.

3 You ARE LUCKY, cause even though your a beyoitch you husband still treats you well.
I pity him though.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Dec 10, 2013
1. Offer to take the boy an additional night each week so Andrea can have a "date night" with her new boyfriend. Tell her you won't reduce child support proportionately. Stay on good , non threatening terms with her new boyfriends- one big happy family with people getting along is a heckuva good role to model for your boy regardless who sleeps where

2.Lint traps on washing machines can be emptied daily.

Lint traps on driers should be cleaned before every load. It is a fire hazard. I know. It happened to me and the nice men in the heavy jackets with hoses kindly explained it to me.

Maybe it's the way I do laundry, but any bugs would either be drowned in the washing machine, poisoned by the detergent or fried in the dryer. If I found them, they would be the lint traps of the dryer

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Dec 10, 2013
LW1: Only be with a woman if you want to be with HER and she wants to be with YOU, otherwise it’s not going to work and your child will not be raised in a happy home with love.

LW2: You are writing Abby over drier lint? Really? No, really?

Anytime you live at a place where you have to use community property, you have to accept that not everyone is going to do things the way you would like them done. If you are that particular, you should live in a place where you can have your own washer and drier.

I wouldn’t go ballistic about drier lint, but there is no way I would want to live in a place where I could not have my own washer and drier. Too college dormish for me. Plus, I never liked having to sit and wait for clothes to be washed and dried ... I like to throw them in and do something else.

LW3: Translation:“What about ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!” Try having some humility sometime and say thanks, yes, he sure is wonderful.

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#12 Dec 10, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Who said "deserve?"
My bad. She said "worthy."

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 Dec 10, 2013
LW1: Ask for the extra day and start calling and/or skyping daily or every other day. You want to be in his life more? then you may have to do it electronically.

LW2: Since you know you live with some pigs, just be prepared. Bring some papertowels with you to wipe out the washing machine and then you can use the same papertowel to scoop out the lint from the dryer.

With any commercial washer/dryer, I'm assuming that the company whose name and phone number are on a sticker that says "call for service" are going to be in charge of ensuring the cleanliness of their machines. Why don't you try calling them?

And unless you inspect the washer drum with a lighted magifying glass, you are not seeing mites. There may be some *other* bug you're seeing, but you are not seeing mites.

LW3: This statement has nothing to do with you at all. It's a compliment directed at your husband and you should just agree.

Pomona, CA

#14 Dec 10, 2013
Huh. I thought I read "deserving," but he11, worthy is in the same category, really. Lots of people are worthy of good marriages, but not everybody gets one, and sometimes, it starts out fine and then goes downhill from there. By LW's assumption, if people are in sucky, falling apart marriages, they are not worthy of wonderful ones. That is a lousy thing to say or imply.
Blunt Advice

Cedar Knolls, NJ

#15 Dec 10, 2013
1. Always be there for your son. He will need you when momma's current or future boyfriends are sick of him.
2. Get your own washer and dryer if public laundry bothers you.
3. Ah, people who envision everyone else having a fairy tale life.

Palatine, IL

#16 Dec 10, 2013
When I was a teenager, working teenaged grunt jobs (in this case, I was a groundskeeper for a large apartment complex), on rainy days they used to send me to the laundry room and have me empty all the lint traps (then I'd wash the floor). As far as I could tell, MOST people knew nothing about the need to empty lint traps.

Marina, CA

#17 Dec 10, 2013
LW1: I know a father whose son is 2000 miles away. He keeps in touch by phone and Skype and visits as often as he can. You are fortunate to be able to have your son two days per week, and I think it's reasonable to ask for another day during the week. You are also fortunate to have a (seemingly) good relationship with your son's mother. I know another father whose ex-girlfriend was considerably more difficult.

LW2: Teams Sublime and blunt advice.
Dryer lint is disgusting? Really? And explain to me how tiny little bugs survive a tumble in a hot dryer. You're more than tidy, you are OCD or just plain nuts. Maybe you should hire someone to do your laundry for you.

LW3: Team blunt advice. Life is challenging for almost everyone.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#18 Dec 10, 2013
Washers have lint traps?
PEllen wrote:
2.Lint traps on washing machines can be emptied daily.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#19 Dec 10, 2013
LW2: I would never pay for a condo that didn't have its own washer and dryer. WHy would anyone buy one?

Marina, CA

#20 Dec 10, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
LW2: I would never pay for a condo that didn't have its own washer and dryer. WHy would anyone buy one?

Especially someone as squeamish about clean appliances as LW.

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