“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#21 Mar 21, 2014
I see nothing wrong with using the purse strings to control your kid. There was a case recently where some bratty 18 yr old sued her parents because she wasn't respecting them so they stopped paying for her car and school. Everybody was on the parents' side. Don't see how this situation is much different

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#22 Mar 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
I see nothing wrong with using the purse strings to control your kid. There was a case recently where some bratty 18 yr old sued her parents because she wasn't respecting them so they stopped paying for her car and school. Everybody was on the parents' side. Don't see how this situation is much different
I don’t think it’s the same. That kid was still in high school and living at her parents’ house.

However, there is something to be said about there is something to be said about discretion

I'm not sure why the daughter is telling her dad that she smokes pot if it upsets him so. She seems to be a bit bratty and unappreciative to be so in your face about it.

Generally speaking, I'm sure my folks knew I wasn't hanging out at the library on Friday and Saturday nights, but I didn't get into specifics with them. I was smart enough to respect their home and not pull out honey dipped blunts and blow smoke in their face when I came home to visit. If they came to visit me in college, I also made sure my place was presentable and I was presentable.

It’s just basic respect, and his daughter seems to be lacking that. That's a bigger issue, IMO than the pot smoking.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#23 Mar 21, 2014
He said his wife used to somke too, so the mom and daughter probably were stoned together, and it was not some big deal that the dad learned about. It was probably fine while wife was alive, but once she passed, dad decided he did not like it, and this is how he acts out.
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I don’t think it’s the same. That kid was still in high school and living at her parents’ house.
However, there is something to be said about there is something to be said about discretion
I'm not sure why the daughter is telling her dad that she smokes pot if it upsets him so. She seems to be a bit bratty and unappreciative to be so in your face about it.
Generally speaking, I'm sure my folks knew I wasn't hanging out at the library on Friday and Saturday nights, but I didn't get into specifics with them. I was smart enough to respect their home and not pull out honey dipped blunts and blow smoke in their face when I came home to visit. If they came to visit me in college, I also made sure my place was presentable and I was presentable.
It’s just basic respect, and his daughter seems to be lacking that. That's a bigger issue, IMO than the pot smoking.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#24 Mar 21, 2014
Because it has limited if any success.
edogxxx wrote:
I see nothing wrong with using the purse strings to control your kid. t
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#25 Mar 21, 2014
1: All you [let her be; she's an adult; let it go; grow up] people are crazy. He's a dad who cares and think his daughter is doing something that is wrong. You can't fault a parent who cares and tries, even if he has no recourse at this age. I'd rather that than the parents who care less.

2: I think ya'll are being unecessarily harsh on lw. I don't think she's a gold-digger. I was raised to make my own way without a man (and yes, I have), butttt, no way I would date a man for 6 years who basically would not marry me and let me move in and sign papers as though I was a platonic roomate instead of lover, friend, etc....
I think the deeper issue is alack of committment. If you don't trust me enough to merge our finances, then we should stop dating.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#26 Mar 21, 2014
squishymama wrote:
Dad can do absoluting nothing but change his attitude
He could cut the purse strings. If he is opposed to his child doing drugs, it makes no sense to just "change his attitude" about drugs and decide it's acceptable.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#27 Mar 21, 2014
RACE wrote:
Because it has limited if any success.
Thanks to the grandparents. So what do you suggest he do?

If I'm sending my kid money, and he's spending it on drugs, guess what? I'm not sending him money anymore. Otherwise I'm doing nothing more than "enabling" that behavior. Don't you people usually rally against that?
Julie

Chicago, IL

#28 Mar 21, 2014
LW2: Your boyfriend is smart; you're obviously a gold-digger wannabe.
pde

Bothell, WA

#29 Mar 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Thanks to the grandparents. So what do you suggest he do?
At this point, nothing. He wrote to Amy looking for her to give him some magical way to control his daughter when he'd already thrown his big bomb and seen it mainly fizzle. He has nothing left to use to exert control over his daughter, and he probably never had anything at all to exert control over the grandparents.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#30 Mar 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Bwahaha! Right! Since when do parents think it's their job to guide their children??
The time for guiding is when they are young.

Unless he is prepared to shun her completely, it is hard to think of a more nuclear option for a college student than taking your car and cutting off funds.

Having done that and been ineffective, LW is now asking what he can do beyond nuclear.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#31 Mar 21, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
2: I think ya'll are being unecessarily harsh on lw. I don't think she's a gold-digger. I was raised to make my own way without a man (and yes, I have), butttt, no way I would date a man for 6 years who basically would not marry me and let me move in and sign papers as though I was a platonic roomate instead of lover, friend, etc....
I think the deeper issue is alack of committment. If you don't trust me enough to merge our finances, then we should stop dating.
But you are financially independent, the LW is not, and simply wants a man so she doesn't have to worry about her financial future. Think of me as the LW, I would happily marry you today because you will soon be Dr. Chunzy teaching at a prestigious university. Financially stable, good, secure job, while I'm making $8 dollars an hour gutting fish on the wharfs. Marrying you would be a pretty good deal for ME, how good a deal would it be for you? I can't afford much on my income, you willing to support me? Would your hesitation stem from lack of commitment? Or lack of financial obligation?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#32 Mar 21, 2014
PEllen wrote:
Having done that and been ineffective, LW is now asking what he can do beyond nuclear.
And what advice do you have to offer? Besides acceptance to something he opposes?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#33 Mar 21, 2014
loose cannon wrote:
L1.It is a preconceived misconception that everyone who smokes pot is a burnout and failure in life
Don't you hold a similar view of people who drink alcohol?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#34 Mar 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
I see nothing wrong with using the purse strings to control your kid.
Your problem is that you see nothing wrong with trying to control your ADULT kid. This is not a teen living under his roof. If he does not want to financially support her because of this, fine. She's an adult. he's not obligated to pay her way. But he's going a step further. He pulled his money....and she found another way to get money. And he's still trying to figure out how to make her do what he wants.

And that Rachel Canning case you mentioned...not even close.
That as a high school kid. This is a college kid.
She sued her parents. This one didn't. This one just found money from somewhere else.

Apples and watermelons

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#35 Mar 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
But you are financially independent, the LW is not, and simply wants a man so she doesn't have to worry about her financial future. Think of me as the LW, I would happily marry you today because you will soon be Dr. Chunzy teaching at a prestigious university. Financially stable, good, secure job, while I'm making $8 dollars an hour gutting fish on the wharfs. Marrying you would be a pretty good deal for ME, how good a deal would it be for you? I can't afford much on my income, you willing to support me? Would your hesitation stem from lack of commitment? Or lack of financial obligation?
All this. She's worried that she can' survive financially on her own. She's looking for a meal ticket.

This dude's already had 2 failed marriages and probably still paying for it or recovering from the financial blow. He'd be a fool to take that chance a 3rd time this late in the game.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#36 Mar 21, 2014
Nobody is saying he's a bad dad for caring, were saying he's a bad dad for trying to dictate and control his daughter.
He is using his money as a billy club, Trying to force compliance of his values upon her. Yeah, he cares, but he is showing it in the wrong way. She is an adult, and he needs to accept that he cannot dictate what she may or may not do. No matter how much he disagrees with it. Instead of pulling back (both financially and emotionally) he needs to layout his boundries, that include supporting her, but not carte blanche..
cheluzal wrote:
1: All you [let her be; she's an adult; let it go; grow up] people are crazy. He's a dad who cares and think his daughter is doing something that is wrong. You can't fault a parent who cares and tries, even if he has no recourse at this age. I'd rather that than the parents who care less.
.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#37 Mar 21, 2014
RACE wrote:
Nobody is saying he's a bad dad for caring, were saying he's a bad dad for trying to dictate and control his daughter.
He is using his money as a billy club, Trying to force compliance of his values upon her. Yeah, he cares, but he is showing it in the wrong way. She is an adult, and he needs to accept that he cannot dictate what she may or may not do. No matter how much he disagrees with it. Instead of pulling back (both financially and emotionally) he needs to layout his boundries, that include supporting her, but not carte blanche..
<quoted text>
And additionally, this is very puzzling.
LW1 wrote:
this is very much against my values.
I did not do this around her when she grew up (but her late mother did).
How does someone like this, who is 'very much' against it, marry someone who does it freely in the house in front of children? Its 'very much' against dad's values, but seems right in line with mom's.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#38 Mar 21, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>And additionally, this is very puzzling.
<quoted text> How does someone like this, who is 'very much' against it, marry someone who does it freely in the house in front of children? Its 'very much' against dad's values, but seems right in line with mom's.
He didn't call her his late wife, nor did he say he was a widower raising a child. I think it is fair to assume he was not married to the girls mother when she died. If the wife's parents disapproved of him from a divorce,that might also explain why his in laws did an end run round him with the car and money

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#39 Mar 22, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
And that Rachel Canning case you mentioned...not even close.
That as a high school kid. This is a college kid.
She sued her parents. This one didn't. This one just found money from somewhere else.
Apples and watermelons
The comparison is parents trying to control their kid's behavior with money. In that regard, these two cases are exactly the same

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#40 Mar 22, 2014
RACE wrote:
were saying he's a bad dad for trying to dictate and control his daughter.
You say that as if it's a bad thing. I feel dictating and controlling your child's behavior is part of a parent's job
RACE wrote:
He is using his money as a billy club, Trying to force compliance of his values upon her.
So?
RACE wrote:
Yeah, he cares, but he is showing it in the wrong way.
Who's to say?
RACE wrote:
She is an adult, and he needs to accept that he cannot dictate what she may or may not do.
Parenting doesn't end just because your kid turned 18

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