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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 21, 2014
DEAR AMY: My daughter is in college and is smoking pot. I am a high school teacher, and this is very much against my values.

I did not do this around her when she grew up (but her late mother did).

I have provided tough love by withdrawing money and her vehicle, but her grandparents bought her a car and help her financially.

Is there anything I can do to get her to stop doing drugs? Her rationale is that it will be legalized anyway, and it helps her relax.

I am sick about this and realize that with her at age 20, there is little I can do. Any advice?-- Worried Father

DEAR FATHER: Your daughter is doing something that is both unhealthy and (still) illegal.

She already knows that you do not approve of her choice. Because her grandparents are undermining you by enabling her, you cannot control her by withdrawing money, but you can insist that she not smoke if she lives at home.

At this point, you might make some progress by focusing less on her behavior and more on her underlying reasons and justifications. Why, at age 20, does she need help to relax? Is her life so stressful that she cannot manage without pot? How is she coping with the loss of her mother? Is this one way to deaden her feelings?

You should tell her, "Honey, I'm worried about you. I want you to know that I am on your side and I want the very best for you. I'm so sorry you feel like you need to anesthetize yourself and wish you would talk to me (or a counselor at school) instead of smoking."

DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost six years. We don't live together because he lives an hour away. He has two children and I have one. We are both divorced.

I am concerned about my financial future because I live on a single income. I'm 44 years old and most of my friends are married and have built (or are building) a financial future with their husbands.

My guy is a wonderful man and I love him but he has told me that if I move in with him he will not share his property, and he will ask me to sign a document saying that I have no claims on his property.

He has been divorced twice. Neither of us is willing to move and/or build a financial future together. I don't make a lot of money to be able to have a decent retirement for myself, even when I have two jobs.

Should I continue with this relationship, or should I find a person with whom I can build a financial future?-- Strapped

DEAR STRAPPED: You should not count on finding any one person who can solve your financial problems and assure your financial future. That's your job. Even your friends who are married may find themselves in a tough situation because life has a way of throwing speed bumps along even the best laid path.

You should focus on finding creative ways to cut your living costs and increase your income so you can start squirreling money away. The most obvious way to cut costs is through sharing housing. Perhaps you have a friend or a relative who is also a single mother. Co-housing could help both parties save on housing costs and living expenses. You could also share parenting duties, making it easier for you to pursue education or job training to increase your income.

A romantic partner who is wonderful, who loves you and wants to share everything with you is definitely something to look for. There is no guarantee you will find him, however.

DEAR AMY: "Disgusted" reminded me of myself. She is a 20-year-old who just seems a little more mature than the hard-drinking college students she hangs out with.

I was branded a "goody-goody" until I finally started hanging with people who had a little more self-control.-- Survived

DEAR SURVIVED: It's not a lot of fun being a "goody-goody" during the party, but the payoff down the line is considerable.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 Mar 21, 2014
1- How nice of your former parents in law to undermine your parenting. Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do. Any is right, you can only control her behavior when she's in your home

2- So you're basically wanting a man for financial support? I think your boyfriend is being smart, he had to look out for his own financial well-being. Guess you'll have to find an older rich man if you want a meal ticket.

3- Yeah, the goody-goody's I knew were the first to get knocked up and are now overweight divorcées
Cass

Claremont, CA

#3 Mar 21, 2014
LW2 - Huh? You are concerned about your financial future because you are not married? Build your own financial future, for Christ's sake. You don't need to be married for it. You live on a single income? So do millions of other people, and they manage somehow.

LW1 - I am starting to sound like a broken record. Your daughter is an adult. You can voice your concerns once, but then you have to let her face the consequences of her own choices. Is pot illegal in your state? Then the consequences may be serious, but heartbreaking as it may be, you need to let her face them. It is your privilege, of course, not to finance her pot-smoking.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Mar 21, 2014
1 Lighten up dude!(get it? lite up...puff, puff, pass). Anyway would you withold money if she was drinking? Knocked up? Smoking butts? You are a control freak. You need to take up smoking again.

2 Build a financial future?? Ha, your money grubbing. Your BF is very smart because you are looking for a cash cow. I would tell your BF to dump you ASAP

3 Yeah, your still a stuck up prude too!

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#5 Mar 21, 2014
L1.It is a preconceived misconception that everyone who smokes pot is a burnout and failure in life.
Some people may actually be prone to having a heightened sense of awareness and an acute appreciation of their surroundings when they smoke weed.
So there.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#6 Mar 21, 2014
Thats called paranoia. It's not good.
loose cannon wrote:
Some people may actually be prone to having a heightened sense of awareness and an acute appreciation of their surroundings when they smoke weed.
So there.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#7 Mar 21, 2014
L1: If she's in college, we can presume she's at least 18. Which means there's nothing you can do. That ship has sailed.

L2: You and your boyfriend both sound overly concerned with money ("financial future" is code for gold digger, so I guess I'll give him props for protecting himself). Saving more/spending less doesn't have anything to do with love and marriage. HTH!

L3: Being the only sober person in a crowd of drunks sucks.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#8 Mar 21, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
L1: If she's in college, we can presume she's at least 18. Which means there's nothing you can do.
"With her at age 20, there is little I can do. Any advice?"

He knows this already, he's asking if there are any alternatives

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Mar 21, 2014
LW1: Let your daughter live her own life.

LW2: Whaaaa, whaaa, whaaaa, I want a man who will take care of me!!!! How about you put in the effort it takes to make yourself financially secure instead of looking for a man to mooch off of?

LW3: I'd say the person who can balance their responsibilities and still party like a rock star on occasion is more mature and has more self-control. You confuse having different interests and being boring with mature and self-control.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#10 Mar 21, 2014
I will have to take your word on that. I cant tell your their not very funny though.
j_m_w wrote:
L3: Being the only sober person in a crowd of drunks sucks.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#11 Mar 21, 2014
CAN! Tell you...

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#12 Mar 21, 2014
loose cannon wrote:
L1.It is a preconceived misconception that everyone who smokes pot is a burnout and failure in life.
Some people may actually be prone to having a heightened sense of awareness and an acute appreciation of their surroundings when they smoke weed.
So there.
A heightened sense of awareness when playing video games that require quick reflexes, like FPS, such as call of duty, and an acute appreciation when a bag of cheetos is in their surroundings.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 Mar 21, 2014
LW1: Just think of all the other things she could be doing; crack, coke, heroin and count your lucky stars that pot is all she's smoking.

And Amy's holier-than-thou attitude could stand a puff or two.

LW2: This does not seem to be the droid you're looking for.

LW3: Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#14 Mar 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
"With her at age 20, there is little I can do. Any advice?"
He knows this already, he's asking if there are any alternatives
Oops. That's how much attention I paid to that letter!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#15 Mar 21, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Let your daughter live her own life.
Bwahaha! Right! Since when do parents think it's their job to guide their children??

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#16 Mar 21, 2014
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Just think of all the other things she could be doing; crack, coke, heroin and count your lucky stars that pot is all she's smoking.
Croupiers logic- idiot logic. Just because she's not smoking crack, it doesn't mean it's okay to smoke weed. Just because she hasn't gotten knocked up, doesn't make it ok to be the campus wh0 re. Just because it could be worse, doesn't make what she's doing acceptable

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 Mar 21, 2014
L1 This guy has bigger problems. The first is that he thinks he can control his family with his money.

The second is that he made a major punitive step over a fairly common ponce of college behavior- withdrawing financial support and taking the car. Depending on where she goes to school that could have some pretty dire consequences like being unable to get to a job or perhaps to commute to classes

He will probably spend the rest of his life threatening to cut his kids out of the will if they don't conform to his current edict or will withdraw his affection for similar reasons.

The scrutiny should be on why he was unable to impart his values to his child when she was in his household.. Someone needs to tell him that dictators incite rebellion.

L2 There is a word for women like this LW: gold digger. There is a whole school of male thought used to counteract people like her called The Red Pill. As Boundary Painter would say, LW is giving women a bad name.

L3 Squishy said it.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#18 Mar 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Bwahaha! Right! Since when do parents think it's their job to guide their children??
This isn't guidance. It's an attempt at control of an adult child, through any means possible. He's asking Amy for help in concocting new ideas in terms of how to control her.

At a certain point in time you need to let the little bird leave the nest and make it's own choices and hope that you have done a good job preparing them for such a day. You also need to accept that your adult child might make different choices than you would make.

You also need to accept that your adult child is probably going to make some mistakes along the way.

I like the saying, "I never lose ... I win or I learn." Mistakes can be very good learning experiences.

If you also look at pot objectively, not only is it not any worse than alcohol, it's less harmful than alcohol. No one dies from ODing on Pot. Pot doesn't make you black out or do nearly the amount of stupid things folks do when they drink too much. Pot hasn't even been shown to cause cancer or have adverse effects on health. There is some studies that show it is associated with a higher propensity for mental illness, but it's not clear and to me that is chicken and the egg shyte and perhaps use is a symptom of folks who would suffer from mental illness regardless and a form of self medication.

Would this LW be this upset if his daughter drank? If not, his desire to control is not only wrong, but it's irrational.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#19 Mar 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Croupiers logic- idiot logic. Just because she's not smoking crack, it doesn't mean it's okay to smoke weed. Just because she hasn't gotten knocked up, doesn't make it ok to be the campus wh0 re. Just because it could be worse, doesn't make what she's doing acceptable
Dad can do absoluting nothing but change his attitude; I was merely suggesting one way to go about that.

And it *is* OK to smoke weed in some places and I suspect soon it will be OK in many more.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#20 Mar 21, 2014
1. The dad doesn't know that his daughter has ADD

2. For pity's sake, some MAN needs to rescue you. Get an education and a better job and quit trying act like you're Cinderella. I detest whiny women.

3. So now self control is being goody-goody. What is with all these people who have ADD writing in.

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