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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jul 17, 2014
Dear Amy: I'm an inmate incarcerated for financial crimes. I have been down for three years (this time). I'm expected to be released in a few months.

During this time a distant cousin and I have become very close (she is either my fourth or fifth cousin).

She has flown here to visit on several occasions and writes often. We speak on the phone a few times a week. She lives on the West Coast.

Over the last year, our relationship has become romantic. She has started to speak of us being married and having children when I get out. She's even planning to move to my home state.

While I care very much for her and would even enjoy spending my life with her, I can't get over the fact that we are distant cousins.

Is there anything wrong with us being romantically involved and having a sexual relationship? I'm creeped out about the thought of intermarriage. The worst part is this would actually be a healthy person for me to associate with once I'm released. I'm just confused about it.— Unsigned

Dear Unsigned: There are some women who are attracted to incarcerated men, and I think in rare cases these relationships can work out, but to me it seems basically foolhardy, if not pathological, to pursue a romance and a future with a repeat offender. But hey — it's her (and your) life.

If you're worried about distant cousins marrying, think of the English royal family. They've been doing this for generations.

Genetically speaking, you two have nothing to worry about, though genetic testing before having children would be a good idea.

Dear Amy: My sister-in-law lives vicariously through her 15-year-old daughter.

In my sister-in-law's mind, my niece will be a successful dancer, the best and cutest cheerleader and the most popular girl in high school. She talks about her incessantly.

All of her time, money and energy is devoted to my niece and her activities. She thinks my niece is lucky to have a mom like her. I think it's cruel.

She ignores her husband and son and ridicules them for being jealous if they bring it up.

Everyone else just rolls their eyes and talks about her behind her back.

My niece is a lovely, smart, pretty, normal 15-year-old. My instinct tells me my sister-in-law's obsession with my niece is abusive. What do you think?— Concerned Aunt

Dear Aunt: I don't see how this is abusive, necessarily — although the imbalance of attention in the household is certainly neglectful. It brings to mind the poor offspring of various pushy pageant mothers and TV "Dance Moms." (Dads also do this to their kids, by the way — most often through sports).

Your sister-in-law's behavior is somewhat pathetic. A mother living through her teenage daughter is an old and tired trope. This sweet and lovely teen will grow up, and unless her mother finds another hobby, the daughter will have to reject her in order to differentiate and become her own person.

I hope you will be supportive of both children — and if you have something to convey to your sister-in-law, you should tell her, rather than gossip about or criticize her behind her back.

Dear Amy: I was interested in your letter from "Concerned Mom," the woman who worried because her seventh-grade daughter and her female classmates were being supervised in the locker room by an "out" lesbian gym teacher. While this mom didn't accuse the gym teacher of any misconduct, she didn't want this woman watching her daughter changing clothes in the locker room.

I guess your advice was good enough when you said that this person is a lesbian, not a pedophile, but how is this situation any different from a heterosexual man supervising these girls in the locker room?— Wondering Reader

Dear Reader: Several people posed this question. My answer is: I don't know how it's different. But it is.

Maybe other readers can weigh in and help to answer this question. I welcome your replies.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Jul 17, 2014
L1 " it seems basically foolhardy, if not pathological, to pursue a romance and a future with a repeat offender".

Harsh.

However ( and this will make Edog happy) there has been some discussion of removing the legal ban on marrying a first cousin because genetic testing can predict whether they will breed "defective" inbred babies.

But why would anyone want to marry someone or even sleep with someone who creeps them out. That's real desparation

L2 The niece will b4writing in about Mom doing background check on potential boyfriends and wondering if she should object. Oh wait, that was the other day, sorry.

Seriously, a good friend now in his 60's had a mother like that. he went through years of analysis and he still dislikes her even in memory

L3 Heterosexual males do not supervise 13 year old girl locker rooms and have not done so in my memory, which as the group knows, goes back real far.
I like males. I can however look at a bunch of naked men and not immediately start grabbing at them or acting sexual. Some of us have been able to internalize the dictates of civilization and control ourselves. Cheez.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#3 Jul 17, 2014
Team PEllen all the way.

LW3 - The teacher is gay, not a pedophile. Some folks, however, seem to not comprehend that gay people are not some kind of oversexed predators. Like most straight people, they are attracted to people approximately their own age, and not to children.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#4 Jul 17, 2014
L1: Pellen, it was harsh but spot-on.

L2: Ha! Pellen has this right. And Amy was correct in that this woman talking behind her back. Help out the kids, talk to the woman -- you sound like a Mrs. Cravitz.

L3: It is different.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#5 Jul 17, 2014
I hope LW1 is fake--but if it isn't I agree with PEllen.

Why doesn't LW2 put some effort into mentoring her nephew and
helping him up--since she says her sister ignores him and obsesses
over the niece? That seems more constructive than talking about her
sister behind her back.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Jul 17, 2014
But WHY is it different? If a hetro male cannot be trusted, then neither can a gay female. It's simple equality.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Jul 17, 2014
not a ghost wrote:
I hope LW1 is fake--but if it isn't I agree with PEllen.
Why doesn't LW2 put some effort into mentoring her nephew and
helping him up--since she says her sister ignores him and obsesses
over the niece? That seems more constructive than talking about her
sister behind her back.
lw does not say the son is lacking for anything but the mother's attention and affection. Getting an extra dose or "mentoring" from his aunt, while welcome, is not going to replace what he's not getting from mom.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#8 Jul 17, 2014
RACE wrote:
But WHY is it different? If a hetro male cannot be trusted, then neither can a gay female. It's simple equality.
interesting point.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#9 Jul 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>lw does not say the son is lacking for anything but the mother's attention and affection. Getting an extra dose or "mentoring" from his aunt, while welcome, is not going to replace what he's not getting from mom.
Look again. "Mrs Kravitz" said that her sister ignores her husband and son when they
say anything to her about her doting on the girl.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#10 Jul 17, 2014
L1. This guy sounds like Michael Milken of junk bond fame.
We are petioning the courts and the legislature to keep people like you behind bars

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#11 Jul 17, 2014
*petitioning....I thought I saw a spelling error before I posted
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#12 Jul 17, 2014
RACE wrote:
But WHY is it different? If a hetro male cannot be trusted, then neither can a gay female. It's simple equality.
It is different because men and women are different. It is different because gay men and lesbians are different. Women (generally) are not aroused in the same way that men are aroused. Men are visual. They like to go to strip clubs. They like to watch porn. How many magazines/Internet sites are there that target women? Maybe 2 or 3? How many nude/almost nude male pinups do you see displayed by straight women? Very few or none. Why? Because the sight of a naked man does not arouse a woman in the same way that the sight of a naked woman arouses a man.

Now, honestly, as a straight woman, I cannot tell you how the mindset of a lesbian is different. But I can tell you that when I was in high school, we had lesbian gym teachers and we didn't like changing in front of them, either. I don't think lesbian gym teachers are going away any time soon, so LW's daughter just needs to deal with it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Jul 17, 2014
not a ghost wrote:
<quoted text>
Look again. "Mrs Kravitz" said that her sister ignores her husband and son when they
say anything to her about her doting on the girl.
look again? What am I supposed to find? The except you posted supports what I said. The boy is lacking in attention/affection from his mothet. Getting extra attention/ affection/ mentoring from his aunt might be a nice bonus, but it will not negate the fact that he is not getting it from his mother. ie: it will not fix the problem

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Jul 17, 2014
loose cannon wrote:
L1. This guy sounds like Michael Milken of junk bond fame.
We are petioning the courts and the legislature to keep people like you behind bars
for how long?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 Jul 17, 2014
So all those nearly naked fireman calenders are being bought up by men?

I think your view that men are more susceptible to being aroused by little girls that a gay woman is hogwash. Yeah men and women are different, but your calling all men pedo's
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
It is different because men and women are different. It is different because gay men and lesbians are different. Women (generally) are not aroused in the same way that men are aroused. Men are visual. They like to go to strip clubs. They like to watch porn. How many magazines/Internet sites are there that target women? Maybe 2 or 3? How many nude/almost nude male pinups do you see displayed by straight women? Very few or none. Why? Because the sight of a naked man does not arouse a woman in the same way that the sight of a naked woman arouses a man.
Now, honestly, as a straight woman, I cannot tell you how the mindset of a lesbian is different. But I can tell you that when I was in high school, we had lesbian gym teachers and we didn't like changing in front of them, either. I don't think lesbian gym teachers are going away any time soon, so LW's daughter just needs to deal with it.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#16 Jul 17, 2014
RACE wrote:
So all those nearly naked fireman calenders are being bought up by men?
I think your view that men are more susceptible to being aroused by little girls that a gay woman is hogwash. Yeah men and women are different, but your calling all men pedo's
<quoted text>
No, I am not saying that at all, and we are discussing teens, not little girls. All I said was that 1. Men are different than women. 2. Men are more visual than women when it comes to arousal. Period. Flame me for that if you will. And I clearly stated that I have no idea how lesbians think.

You can't always turn the situation around because the female brain and the female point of view will always be DIFFERENT. Not better. Not worse. DIFFERENT.

Here's another example from recent news. A female substitute teacher was in the news for having intimate relations with a male former student. The female teacher was 25, and the former student was 18. She had sent him some raunchy texts. Following the news story, there were several opinionated comments. One said that if the teacher had been male, he'd be a registered sex offender for life. One said that she was an abuser. But a lot of the comments from men were along the lines of "Where were all of the hot teachers when I was in school?" and "Taken advantage of? Scarred for life? Are you f-ing kidding me? That's every young man's fantasy!"

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#17 Jul 18, 2014
So your answer is the same as Lamy's.
It just is different, with no logic to support it, other than to say that men are pervs and women aren't.
You also say that you have no idea what turns a gay woman on, but you insist it cant possibly be the same triggers that a man would have, even though they both are attracted to women. So it's ok if they watch teens in the locker room.

To me, this sounds very biased.
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
No, I am not saying that at all, and we are discussing teens, not little girls. All I said was that 1. Men are different than women. 2. Men are more visual than women when it comes to arousal. Period. Flame me for that if you will. And I clearly stated that I have no idea how lesbians think.
You can't always turn the situation around because the female brain and the female point of view will always be DIFFERENT. Not better. Not worse. DIFFERENT.
Here's another example from recent news. A female substitute teacher was in the news for having intimate relations with a male former student. The female teacher was 25, and the former student was 18. She had sent him some raunchy texts. Following the news story, there were several opinionated comments. One said that if the teacher had been male, he'd be a registered sex offender for life. One said that she was an abuser. But a lot of the comments from men were along the lines of "Where were all of the hot teachers when I was in school?" and "Taken advantage of? Scarred for life? Are you f-ing kidding me? That's every young man's fantasy!"

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Jul 18, 2014
RACE wrote:
So your answer is the same as Lamy's.
It just is different, with no logic to support it, other than to say that men are pervs and women aren't.
You also say that you have no idea what turns a gay woman on, but you insist it cant possibly be the same triggers that a man would have, even though they both are attracted to women. So it's ok if they watch teens in the locker room.
To me, this sounds very biased.
<quoted text>
Think of your daughter at 15. She's undressing in a locker room. You only have 2 choices of who is going to oversee the students in the locker room. A lesbian gym teacher of about 30 years of age or a male gym teacher of 30. Who would you prefer in that locker room?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#19 Jul 18, 2014
I am not discussing my preferences. I am discussing what the LW said. Why is it different? "Just because" is not a valid answer.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Think of your daughter at 15. She's undressing in a locker room. You only have 2 choices of who is going to oversee the students in the locker room. A lesbian gym teacher of about 30 years of age or a male gym teacher of 30. Who would you prefer in that locker room?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 Jul 18, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Think of your daughter at 15. She's undressing in a locker room. You only have 2 choices of who is going to oversee the students in the locker room. A lesbian gym teacher of about 30 years of age or a male gym teacher of 30. Who would you prefer in that locker room?
Are there no straight female teachers, staff or student teachers anywhere in the school?

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