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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 1, 2013
DEAR AMY: Our daughter (age 22) has been dating a man (age 27) for seven months. She just finished college and they met at the restaurant where they both work.

Recently they both stayed with us for a few days. One day he asked to use our shower in the master bathroom. I thought it a bit strange but said yes.

Afterward, I am not sure why (call it mother's intuition) but I checked an area that is tucked away in a closet where I had some Oxycodone (about 14 tablets that were prescribed to me but which I no longer take). I was shocked when I found the box empty.

At the end of the visit he tearfully told us that he had stolen the pain pills and took two of them. He said he panicked and flushed the rest down the toilet.

He told us he has struggled with a pain pill addiction for many years. He has had two relapses in the past six months. We were relieved that he came forward but now are terrified at what this could mean for our daughter. We had concerns from the beginning that this guy just didn't seem to have his life all together. Now we know why.

We think she is being very naive about addiction and that he really cannot be trusted until he can prove to her that he is clean. She thinks he's "fine."

He has a very strong and convincing personality and is very good with people. He worried we would call the police about his theft. He told our daughter how much he likes us -- and with our help he can get through this.

This makes me feel like he is manipulating us. He does not have a good relationship with his own family (possibly because of this type of behavior). Should we ask him to let us talk to his family?

Your advice?-- Worried Sick

DEAR WORRIED: If you believe this man flushed 12 Oxycodone pills down the toilet, then you are also naive about the disease of addiction.

This relapsing addict will not get better on his own. As nice as he is, the very common sense reaction on your part should be that he is not welcome in your home until he can prove to you that he has successfully completed rehab. That's actual rehab, mind you -- not a self-professed cold turkey cure.

Don't get overly involved in this man's considerable problems; stay emotionally close with your daughter, and do your best to educate her about the reality of being with an addict. She would benefit from professional counseling and/or Al-Anon meetings.

Read (and share with her) "The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation" by Melody Beattie (2009, Simon and Schuster).

DEAR AMY: I'm a 20-year-old student home for the summer. While at college I learned to do a lot on my own and became independent. When I came home, I expected my parents to accept me as a grown-up. However, my mom and dad still feel that it is necessary to treat me like a child by reminding me not to spill anything on my shirt or advising me not to be out too late on a weekend.

I want them to stop, but I don't want to hurt their feelings. How do I ask them in a tactful way to treat me like an adult?-- Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Tell your folks calmly, "I love you both. I appreciate you so much. But if you'll step back, you'll notice that I've grown up in the last couple of years. It's been ages since I spilled anything on my shirt. You did a great job raising me -- but I can take it from here."

DEAR AMY: I agree with your response to "The Only Mom," who didn't like her son calling a friend's mother "Ma." She must be feeling very insecure about her relationship with her son (or his feelings for her) to blow this out of proportion the way she has.-- The Other Ma

DEAR MA: Readers agree on this one: "Mom" really needs to get a grip.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jul 1, 2013
1 Fake letter, how the hello would the guy know to go into the closet of all places. Who keeps meds in a closet? Most peeps keep them in the medicine cabinet (gee, how did it get that name)

Just shamelessly plugging a book.

2 Your parents will treat you like an adult when you start acting like one. The fact that your stomping your feet like a child demanding to sit at the grown up table shows your immaturity.

3 bleh! I liked the other rehash better.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jul 1, 2013
L1:' He said he panicked and flushed the rest down the toilet." First lie right there. Believe me, your daughter knows (or he wouldn't have told YOU anything), and he has plenty of access to pills. Restaurant staff typically have access to pretty much anything and everything. Daughter either is in denial, or is lying to cover for him and is into pills herself (that's my bet).

L2: I spill on my shirt regularly. This is why I don't wear white. YOu need to tell your parents to knock it off. However, good luck with that. My boyfriend tries to "parent" me by suggesting I might be too warm with that sweater on, too cold without a jacket, are those shoes going to work for nine hours of walking at the fair? Etc. It's not easy for parents to turn it off.

L3: And there's our back-patting letter.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Jul 1, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Fake letter, how the hello would the guy know to go into the closet of all places. Who keeps meds in a closet? Most peeps keep them in the medicine cabinet (gee, how did it get that name)
.
Nick keeps ALL of his meds -- his and the kids'- in the hall closet.

I keep mine in my kitchen. Nick's parents also keep their meds in their kitchen.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#5 Jul 1, 2013
L1. He probably rummaged through your undergarments drawer too.
Seriously though, some people keep their medicines locked in a safe. Especially those who have kids.

Wise Old Owl

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#6 Jul 1, 2013
There was a guy who deliberately put his hand in a punch press at his work so he would be perscribed narcotics....

The nurse's carts and cabinets in hospitals which contain narcotics and other medicines are kept under lock and key at all times to guard against theft. And for added security, two nurses must be present every time the cabinets are opened.
pde

Palatine, IL

#7 Jul 1, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Fake letter, how the hello would the guy know to go into the closet of all places. Who keeps meds in a closet? Most peeps keep them in the medicine cabinet (gee, how did it get that name)
I suspect the daughter knew, and told him where the pills were. Which indicates she's probably into pills herself or is perfectly aware of the extend of her boyfriend's addition.
pde

Palatine, IL

#8 Jul 1, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Nick keeps ALL of his meds -- his and the kids'- in the hall closet.
I keep mine in my kitchen. Nick's parents also keep their meds in their kitchen.
Ours are on the top shelf of our kitchen pantry.

None of our bathrooms have a medicine cabinet in them.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Jul 1, 2013
loose cannon wrote:
The nurse's carts and cabinets in hospitals which contain narcotics and other medicines are kept under lock and key at all times to guard against theft. And for added security, two nurses must be present every time the cabinets are opened.
Based on conversations I"ve had with various people who work in hospitals, especially ERs, drugs are NOT kept locked -- it's too much of a time-waster especially in an emergency department. Heck my landlord is an RN getting his master's in anesthesiology and he said the drugs are left UNlocked more than they are locked.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#10 Jul 1, 2013
I keep my personal meds in the master bath. But J keeps his in the kitchen pantry, as well as any "communal" things, like ibuprofen, allergy pills, and antacids. I thought it was weird when I met J, but whatever. My only beef is that we seem to open new bottles before finishing the old, so they pile up. And by 'we', I mean J.
liner

Brooklyn, NY

#11 Jul 1, 2013
L1: What Amy said.
L2: They're payin. Just sayin.

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

#12 Jul 1, 2013
There was a third letter?

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

#13 Jul 1, 2013
Never mind, my comprehension mistake. More coffee, less posting until I've had more coffee!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#14 Jul 1, 2013
LW1: I totally agree with RACE on this one. I'm convinced she gets some kickbacks for this crap.

But I have to add that I also keep our meds in my closet. Our medicine cabinet is tiny and this way I can keep it up high where the kids can't get to it.

LW2: It's really hard to turn the "parent" off, even when the kids are adults. Heck, I'm 45 and my mother still does some of this to me, except now it's about my food choices and how I raise my kids.

LW3:

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#15 Jul 1, 2013
Oh, I see I didn't care enough about LW3 to even comment.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Jul 1, 2013
LW1: How the hell would he know you keep pain pills in your closet? Me thinks your daughter is into them too and told him where to look for them. I think you need to sit down with your daughter and get to the bottom of it.

There’s also no way a pill popper flushes pain pills down the toilet. The guy is an addict and a liar.

What a way to make an impression on the family of your gf. How f’ing embarrassing. Sheesh.

I wouldn’t allow him in your house anymore, and I would also keep an eye on your little princess.

LW2: You should have started establishing these boundaries before you were 20. So get to it.

You also don’t sound grown up at all:“Dear Amy, I’m a 20 year old and while away at college I became a big girl.”

LW3: Agreed.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#17 Jul 1, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Restaurant staff typically have access to pretty much anything and everything.
Could you explain this please?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Jul 1, 2013
Everyone who says the daughter was in on the pill heist, why would she not just go get them herself? Rhe mom got a funny feeling cause this dude was in her private area. What mom would get that feeling over her own child being in there?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#19 Jul 1, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: How the hell would he know you keep pain pills in your closet?.
I don't think he KNEW they were kept in there. He was probably rummaging.

I usually keep medication in the kitchen cabinet or fridge.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Jul 1, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Could you explain this please?
What's to explain? Have you not worked in a restaurant? It's an industry with a higher percentage of fly-by-night employees than offices have. It's late-night working, sitting around the bar after close. In any restaurant, there's always someone to go to for pills, hard drugs, and numerous people to go to for weed.

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