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1 - 20 of 20 Comments Last updated Jan 30, 2013

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#1
Jan 30, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I'm 18 years old and months away from graduating from high school. I can't wait to venture into college and see new places. The only downside is that my girlfriend of 15 months is pregnant. It was a big shock. It feels as if everything I was planning is thrown away and I will never be able to experience college life and get a good job.

Don't get me wrong, I do look forward to seeing my little one, but I just don't have the smallest idea how to start planning for the arrival. To top it off, I'm also having trouble telling my parents. I don't know how they will take it. Please help me find the best way to tell them.-- Expectant Dad

DEAR EXPECTANT: One advantage of pregnancy is how long it takes -- you have many months to adjust and to figure things out.

You and your girlfriend should take a couple of days to talk this through privately and make some decisions about what you want to do. Your school may have a social worker who can help you both in terms of talking through your immediate decisions.

Then you should each tell your respective parents. This is one of those conversations where you simply have to do your best to be intentional, respectful and calm. Take a deep breath and say, "I have something important to tell you...."

I urge you both to be as calm and loving toward each other as you can be. Your parents may be quite shocked and upset, but please also give them time to adjust. They will.

You don't have to give up your dreams -- either of you. But you will need to adjust how you are going to achieve your dreams. This is one of life's grandest challenges. You may not believe this now, but I assure you that everything's going to be OK.

DEAR AMY: For more than a decade, I worked for a company that was a "dream job." After complaining about the sexual behavior of my boss, I was fired. Not a single co-worker stood up for me publicly, but with the help of a lawyer, I got a more than decent settlement.

When I was there, I helped several friends get jobs and was instrumental in getting one friend hired at the company. Before that, he was almost destitute. He used to conveniently drop by at dinnertime or ask for money. I probably gave this particular friend $2,000 over the course of a few years.

Recently the current employees received lavish bonuses. I read on Facebook about the luxuries my former friends are enjoying and get bummed out. But I get genuinely angry at my friend. He never once thanked me for my efforts, much less suggested he repay me for the "loans."

Is there a tactful way to reply to my friends' in-your-face "I'm rich!" posts online? How can I discreetly mention to my friend that now that he is rolling in the dough, maybe he could think about all those times I helped him out?-- Former Employee

DEAR EMPLOYEE: Given the circumstances, the best attitude for you is galloping ambivalence. Envy is unavoidable, so you should "hide" these online reminders from your news feed.

Explore your motivations with the friend you assisted with food, money and a job. Do you want to be paid a specific sum? Do you want him to pay it forward? Or do you simply want to be acknowledged with no further strings attached?

Let's assume you merely want to be acknowledged (and you deserve this, to be sure). Ask for it: "Do you realize you never so much as thanked me for my help over the years? I'd appreciate it if you did."

DEAR AMY: A jogger wrote to you about calling out praise to fellow runners who were running on prosthetic legs and receiving an annoyed look in return.

I liked your answer. Athletes don't need condescending shoutouts from fellow runners. It's an unnecessary interruption.-- Also Ran

DEAR ALSO: I'll take a pat on the back when I'm doubled over, gasping for breath, but more competent runners should be left alone.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#2
Jan 30, 2013
 
1 Fake letter. Teens simply don't write that wa.

2 Tough noogies. You tried to do he right thing and it blew up in your face. Good luck but your whining doesn't merit consolation.

3 Whatever, just applaud.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Jan 30, 2013
 
LW1: "You may not believe this now, but I assure you that everything's going to be OK."
STFU, Amy. Its one thing to encourage, but its stupid to make a statement like this. You have no f'n clue how this is gonna end. CAN it turn out ok? Sure. But the odds are stacked against him.

LW2: Living well is the best revenge. Drop this "friend" from facebook and quit stewing about them. Move on.

LW3: "Athletes don't need condescending shoutouts from fellow runners." I don't see her comment as condescending at all.
"It's an unnecessary interruption."
If a friendly comment from a paaerby is an interruption to you, wear headphones and blinders.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
Jan 30, 2013
 
Team Tonka,
and to the prck who considers a hello an "Interruption", I hope a dog bites you, you arrogant little bastard.

Since: Aug 08

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#5
Jan 30, 2013
 
LW1: Well you arenít going to experience college life like I did, thatís for sure. No keg stands for you.

Youíve dug yourself a bit of a hole, but with drive and determination, itís not insurmountable. My dad got my mom prego when he was 18 and went on to get a college degree and have a very successful life. You may have to work full time and go to school at night like he did.

LW2: The loans are one thing. If you wished to be repaid, that should have been stipulated at the time of the loans. Sounds like rather than loaning him money, you ďgaveĒ him money, as you initially said. Further, at the time you ďgaveĒ him the money, if he didnít on his own volition, agree to repay you, that should have told you all you needed to know about the content of his character. That should have told you he was a freeloader.

In terms of helping him get a job, really I donít think other than a thank you and perhaps a small gift or a dinner, that he owes you anything. If your motivation for helping him was to be rewarded, Iíd say you are motivated by the wrong things.

You come off as being a bit naive and envious.

Since: Jan 10

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#6
Jan 30, 2013
 
L1: You're 18. GIVE THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION.

L2: Wow. You went pretty far in your career for being only 12.

Re L2, I liked this response in teh WaPo:

A job where you are sexually harassed is not a "dream job" and calling it that only perpetuates your feeling like a victim. Nobody deserves to be sexually harassed and made to feel uncomfortable at work. You didn't deserve that treatment. Any place where you are treated like that is not a dream job. Calling it a dream job is letting yourself hang onto something long after it is reasonable or healthy to do so.

You reported the incident and got a settlement. Now it is time to move on. It doesn't matter what kind of bonuses or luxuries people who are still working there are getting because you are no longer part of the company. Hide their status and open up a new browser window so you can start searching for a new job.

As for your friend, I disagree with Amy that you should solicit a "thank you." This will be insincere and awkward. Make peace with the fact that you helped somebody out when they needed it and, although it did not end how you wanted it to, there is nothing you can do about it now.

If I could sum up my comment in two words it would be this: Move. On.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#7
Jan 30, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
A job where you are sexually harassed is not a "dream job"
I disagree with this line of thinking. Getting harassed was not part of the job. Who knows how long it went on. She worked there for 10 years. For all we know, this person became her boss 6 moths beforethe end of her time there. So if she coulf, for 9 1/2 years legitimately claim that it was her dream job, ending up with a scumbag boss at the end does not negate that fact. It WAS her dream job until she got harassed and fired.

Also, she claims that no co-workers stood up for her. In what way? Was she harassed out in the open in front of everyone? Not sure what she was expecting from them. Unless they witnessed something with their own eyes, they had nothing of value to offer.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#8
Jan 30, 2013
 

Judged:

1

LW2 - Write a letter to the guy you loaned money to and say, "Now that you have some extra money, will you please pay back the $4000 that I loaned to you?" He will write back, "I don't owe you $4000, I owe you $2000." You will then have the promissary note you didn't get when you should have. Then take him to small claims court.

Since: Jan 10

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#9
Jan 30, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I disagree with this line of thinking. Getting harassed was not part of the job. Who knows how long it went on. She worked there for 10 years. For all we know, this person became her boss 6 moths beforethe end of her time there. So if she coulf, for 9 1/2 years legitimately claim that it was her dream job, ending up with a scumbag boss at the end does not negate that fact. It WAS her dream job until she got harassed and fired.
Also, she claims that no co-workers stood up for her. In what way? Was she harassed out in the open in front of everyone? Not sure what she was expecting from them. Unless they witnessed something with their own eyes, they had nothing of value to offer.
Do you always have to do this?

You know, make legitimate points and find the obvious flaws in my arguments? ;)~

Since: Jan 10

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#10
Jan 30, 2013
 
Shari23 wrote:
LW2 - Write a letter to the guy you loaned money to and say, "Now that you have some extra money, will you please pay back the $4000 that I loaned to you?" He will write back, "I don't owe you $4000, I owe you $2000." You will then have the promissary note you didn't get when you should have. Then take him to small claims court.
Great suggestion!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#11
Jan 30, 2013
 
LW1: Team Red with the additonal outrage of the babymama being 15! ADOPTION!!!!

LW2: Hide them on FB and conveniently drop by at dinnertime.

LW3: Your rehash is an unnecessary interruption.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#12
Jan 30, 2013
 
L1: How it all turns out probably has a lot to do with how involved and the reaction of the 'rents for both of them. Double up on the birth control after the baby is born to make sure you don't have baby number 2 following right after. At 18, I think some people can be good parents, I think you can go to college, and I think you can work. None of it is easy but it is doable.

L2: You're still bitter about it all and need to let it all go now including the money you gave to your "friend".

L3: People should learn how to ignore the things in life that irritate them, that you can't change, are a small blip in their life and that does not affect them going forward -- such as someone shouting words of encouragement.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#13
Jan 30, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Great suggestion!
I can't take personal credit. Someone did this successfully years ago (can't remember who).

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Jan 30, 2013
 
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Team Red with the additonal outrage of the babymama being 15! ADOPTION!!!!
LW2: Hide them on FB and conveniently drop by at dinnertime.
LW3: Your rehash is an unnecessary interruption.
didn't say gf was 15. been his gf for 15 months

Since: Jan 10

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#15
Jan 30, 2013
 
I first misread the letter as 15 being the gf's age as well. I dont' think I read Amy thoroughly. ;)

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#16
Jan 30, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>didn't say gf was 15. been his gf for 15 months
Ooops! I read this on the train in this morning; damn tiny little letters...

I retract my outrage over her age.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

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#17
Jan 30, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I first misread the letter as 15 being the gf's age as well. I dont' think I read Amy thoroughly. ;)
I can't imagine why not. She's chock full of wisdom and excellent advice.

(I did a double take on the 15 thing too).
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

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#18
Jan 30, 2013
 
1. The best way to tell them is to tell them in concert with a plan. You have jumped head-first into adulthood, if you can show them you are giving it due consideration instead of "I can't go out every night and get s-faced" they are going to take it better than they would otherwise.

2. Maybe you could get over it. You got a great settlement. Move on. And maybe your "friend" really isn't a friend, he was just taking what he could from wherever he could get it. Maybe he was using you. Who cares? Quit being a martyr.

3. "Way to go!" is an interruption?

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#19
Jan 30, 2013
 
LW2 - i think if you have to ask for an acknowledgement/thank you, you will never get the one you're looking for...
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#20
Jan 30, 2013
 
LW1: The only downside is that your girlfriend is pregnant? Dude, having child is a large, life-changing event. And it is a big shock to you because you always used protection, right? The good news is that you are 18 rather than 16. The bad news is that babies need a few things that cost money like diapers, bibs, a stroller, car seats, etc. You are responsible for 50% support of this child. And babies also need to be cared for 24/7. It would be great if you could provide some support on the physical/emotional level as well. You will need to grow up. Hopefully, your parents will be supportive. Good luck.

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