“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jul 1, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriends are always trying to get me drunk. I don't need alcohol to have a good time, and in fact, I rarely drink. They say I'm "no fun," which is probably true. But that's just who I am.

Although they never drink and drive, they drink a lot and are embarrassing when they sing loud, stumble on the dance floor and slur their words. I'm afraid if I get drunk I may say something hurtful to them, and they will no longer be my friends.

My boyfriend says they're not true friends if they want me to drink to excess. My college days are behind me. I am mature enough not to succumb to this peer pressure. Is my boyfriend right? Do I need new friends?-- TEETOTALER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TEETOTALER: There are few things more unattractive than a person who is drunk. Your boyfriend may be right that you need some new friends, if yours can have a good time only if they use alcohol.

If I'm reading your letter correctly, it appears you may be their designated driver. My advice is to take yourself out of that equation, and if possible, socialize with them in situations that do not involve drinking. If that's not possible, then for your own sake, start cultivating friends with wider interests.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 20 years. Before our two children started high school two years ago, we had a great marriage. Unfortunately, my wife has put our children's high school education above everything else. She's a classic "helicopter mom" who says that once the kids leave for college, our relationship will become great again.

As the months go by, I find myself being more of a father and a tutor than a husband and "intimate friend" to my wife. We have little in common with each other, little intimacy, and everything revolves around our children -- not us.

I have talked to her about this, and we have seen a counselor and a priest who told my wife that what she's doing is wrong. But things are getting worse, not better.

Any suggestions on how to get the message across before we get totally separated or even divorced? Or am I the one who needs to see things differently?-- NO HELICOPTER DAD

DEAR DAD: Your letter touches upon a conversation I have had several times over the last few years, and it involves whether helicopter parents are giving their children an advantage, or preventing them from developing social skills and independence. If your kids are having problems in school and need extra parental guidance, then I'm all for it. But if they aren't -- and their teachers should be able to tell you that -- then your wife isn't doing this because of their need but her own.

Because you say you're not sure your marriage will be intact by the time they graduate, I'm urging that you both have more marriage counseling NOW. I hate to see a 20-year marriage go down the drain, because that's where it's headed.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#2 Jul 1, 2014
LW1 - Yes, you do.

LW2 - Yep, counseling, and not with a priest, but with a licensed marriage therapist, preferably with no professional religious affiliation.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jul 1, 2014
1 This letter reads like it was written by a teenager, I was surprised to learn that this woman and her friends are in their mid 20's. Ditch them, they are the losers not you.

2 Yep, counseling, either with a priest or religious clergyman of your choice , or a licensed marriage therapist,

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Jul 1, 2014
1- your friends sound awesome

2- counseling isn't working, guys. Dude might need to go on hiatus for a few years, until the kids finish high school. Had a friend's dad do that. Just walked away for a few years. It seemed to have worked, they have a great marriage now

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Jul 1, 2014
1- your friends sound awesome

2- counseling isn't working, guys. Dude might need to go on hiatus for a few years, until the kids finish school. Had a friend's dad to that. Just walked away for a few years. Seemed to have worked, because now they have a great marriage

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#6 Jul 1, 2014
Sorry, topix got wonky
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Jul 1, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- your friends sound awesome
2- counseling isn't working, guys. Dude might need to go on hiatus for a few years, until the kids finish high school. Had a friend's dad do that. Just walked away for a few years. It seemed to have worked, they have a great marriage now
Please, please tell me that you're joking.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#8 Jul 1, 2014
1: Friendships don't always last because people grow up and head in different directions. It's time for you to take a different fork in the road. Your boyfriend is right; you need new friends who won't try to get you to do things you know is bad for you.

2: I'm totally with Cass on this one.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#9 Jul 1, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
Please, please tell me that you're joking.
Which part? The party girls or the dad taking a break to save his marriage?
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#10 Jul 1, 2014
LW1: Yes, you need new friends, and I agree with your boyfriend. True friends love you for who you are and don't pressure you to do things you're not comfortable doing. Getting drunk is not your kind of fun, and that's a good thing. So get out there and make some new, interesting friends.

LW2: Your wife has good intentions, but if she doesn't get the message, she is going to lose her co-parent - you. Remember that your kids need you now. For your kids's sake, you need to do everything you can to get your message across to your wife. Insist that she continue with joint marriage counseling and also insist on parenting classes. You have two more years before your children graduate high school. This is a tough phase, but you have been together 20 years. You can get through this. Good luck.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#11 Jul 2, 2014
Glance into the future for LW2:
(a) His wife failed to hear him when he advised her that those teens
could take care of many of their own challenges and she sheepishly
began to try rebuilding the bridges she'd overloaded.
(b) Those teens told his wife they felt more comfortable talking to him-- and he signed more than one consent form allowing them to participate in healthy extra curricular activities--some holding potential scholarship
potential
(c) She broke up a relationship that she thought was "not good for her child", and provoked the teenager to find a partner who was a less
positive influence than the previous one
or
(d) other

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