Abby 1-28-14

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jan 28, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My two children and I have lived with my parents for a few years because I had some health problems. Now that I am healthy again, I'm ready to return to work and move to a new home, but I am encountering severe resistance from my parents.

As I have recovered, our situation has gone from my parents helping me to my assuming the majority of the household responsibilities. My parents say they know I want to go back to work and know it will be good for me to be independent, but because of their own health concerns they need me to stay. I have always felt a strong responsibility toward my family, but I know that not having a home to call our own limits the personal growth of my children and me.

I have been offered a great job in another state that would allow me to provide well for my children, but I feel crushing guilt for even considering leaving my parents to fend for themselves. I know this will be a life-changing decision for all of us, so please give me an objective point of view.-- DAD TORN IN TWO DIRECTIONS IN TEXAS

DEAR DAD: On an emotional level, of course your leaving will be traumatic for your parents. They will miss you and the children and all the activity in the house they have become used to. Also, someone may have to assume the household chores that you have been taking care of.

If you accept this job -- and in my opinion you should if you can't find one that pays as well closer to your parents -- perhaps you could subsidize a housekeeper, a cleaning company or someone to help with the yard work a few times a month.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Sean" for five years. I am 27, stand 5 feet 7 inches tall and weigh 120 pounds. Sean is constantly pushing me to exercise more, and he comments on my thighs and stomach a lot. He tells me it's not a weight issue, but I need to "work off some fat and gain more muscle." He wasn't like this when we got married.

I love my body, and I know I'm not fat or overweight. I walk 4 miles round trip to work. My entire workday is spent on my feet, walking or running. I get plenty of exercise, and I'm healthy and active.

This is really hurting my confidence. It bothers me to hear that someone I love thinks my normal body is unattractive because of barely there "fat." I don't know what gave Sean this idea. How do I deal with it?-- JUST RIGHT IN ARIZONA

DEAR JUST RIGHT: The kind of body your husband would like you to have seems more descriptive of a skinny teenager than a healthy young woman. Is he a body builder or a gym rat? You deal with it by asking your husband why he thinks your normal body is unattractive, listen carefully to his response and, if necessary, run it by your doctor.

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering if a woman can be considered engaged to a man if she is still married to another man, but separated?

I have a friend who has been separated from her husband for two years. They live apart, but not "legally." Can she be considered engaged? Wouldn't her ring be a promise ring and not an engagement ring? Please help me clear up this confusion.-- CONFOUNDED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR CONFOUNDED: To declare oneself engaged while legally married to another person does appear to be premature. However, your friend can call herself whatever she wants if it pleases her. The same is true for what she calls the rock she's wearing. If you value her friendship, you'll let it slide and don't contradict her.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jan 28, 2014
1 tough love time, Man up and move out.

2 You sound fine, tell hubby if he dont like it then you might find someone who will.

3 Stupid girl stuff....Sooo dont care.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#3 Jan 28, 2014
LW1: Take the job and help pay for a home aide of some sort. You have to do what's best for you.

LW2: "You deal with it by asking your husband why he thinks your normal body is unattractive, listen carefully to his response and, if necessary, run it by your doctor."

Run what by her doctor? That her husband is an azz? What can a doctor do about that?

The person she ought to be running this stuff by is a divorce lawyer.

LW3: Why do you even care? This cannot possible effect your life.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#4 Jan 28, 2014
squishymama wrote:
Run what by her doctor? That her husband is an azz? What can a doctor do about that?
I think she was hinting that perhaps there could be some type of medical issue. She sounds like she's properly proportionate based on weight and height, but maybe she has a pot-belly or huge @zz or something. A while back my sister was unable to lose weight despite a rigorous diet and exercise regime. She went to the doctor and learned she had some type of problem with water-retention or inflammation or something.

The husband could probably handle this with a little more sensitivity and class, but his concerns may be valid.
boundaqry painter

Waco, TX

#5 Jan 28, 2014
LW1 is not giving the Lone Star state a bad name. Nor are his parents--but they are depending a little too much on his companionship. I vote
for him to encourage this parents to find a good set of friends they can
spend time with so they won't miss him and their grand children so much.

LW2 is not giving arizona a bad name--but her husband is.(I'd like to see her take him to the gym and exercise circles around him while he
pants, puffs and can't keep up with her.)

LW3 is giving West Virginia a poor excuse name. That thinly disguised letter is probably about LW3's living arangement with a not yet divorced
fiancee/room mate.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#6 Jan 28, 2014
1- Move out of your parents' house already. They did fine before you were there, they'll be fine when you're gone. Please don't even consider passing up a job opportunity because you feel the need to stay and fold your mother's laundry.

3- Yeah, she can call herself whatever but I feel she can start cutting ties if she's ready to move on to a new life. If she's happy to be engaged, why isn't she finalizing the divorce? It's only been two years.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jan 28, 2014
L1: You have to think of your children first. Too bad your parents are putting a guilt trip on you. Sit down and talk to them about what their needs truly are. Between community services, family and friends, outside hired help -- I bet their needs can be met. Then try to come up with a plan of when you can visit.

L2: Was he always like this? If not, point blank ask him what has changed and why doesn't he love you for who you are. If his answer is that he does love you for who you are, then tell him people who love others don't tear those people down and he needs to stop. If he was always like this, well I guess you just woke up and you won't be able to change him. Meet with that divorce lawyer.

L3: Itchin' for a fight, are you?
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#8 Jan 28, 2014
1. I must respectfully play devils advocate to the responses above. I would advise against moving away. Relocating is indeed life altering. If the job doesn't work out, the kids are unhappy, or he is unhappy, or the parents need them, there might be no turning back. Your parents love you and your children. Your new boss won't though. I say keep looking for a job and move to a house or apartment nearby. Oh, btw, how old are your kids. Uprooting a teenager is not easy.
Here in the NYC metro area we have a sky high cost of living. Many people move away for cheaper housing or warmer climates. But they get homesick and want to come back but can't afford to. If this guy does leave he should rent for the first year, and expect that the kids might want to move back or stay with grandparents to stay with their friends.
2. Is this a form of anorexia? The ideal weight for 5'7" is 135. What a jerk the guy is.
3. MYOB
pde

Bothell, WA

#9 Jan 28, 2014
squishymama wrote:
LW2: "You deal with it by asking your husband why he thinks your normal body is unattractive, listen carefully to his response and, if necessary, run it by your doctor."
Run what by her doctor? That her husband is an azz? What can a doctor do about that?
Heh. I am 5'7"-ish and run about 118-120 pounds. Running it by my doctor will result in my doctor telling me that my BMI is at 18.5, under which is considered underweight, and that BMIs less than 19 have almost as many associated health risks as BMIs over 25.
Every doctor I've talked to in the past 15 years has recommended that I GAIN 10 pounds. It's actually kind of annoying. I've had the above lecture multiple times, can you tell?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Jan 28, 2014
Yeah, and what if the sky falls, or the earth explodes or Jesus comes back or he loves his job and meets the woman of his dreams?
You can play "what if's" till the cows come home, but sooner or later you have to pull the trigger.
Blunt Advice wrote:
1. Relocating is indeed life altering. If the job doesn't work out, the kids are unhappy, or he is unhappy, or the parents need them

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#11 Jan 28, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
1. I must respectfully play devils advocate to the responses above. I would advise against moving away. Relocating is indeed life altering. If the job doesn't work out, the kids are unhappy, or he is unhappy, or the parents need them, there might be no turning back. Your parents love you and your children. Your new boss won't though. I say keep looking for a job and move to a house or apartment nearby. Oh, btw, how old are your kids. Uprooting a teenager is not easy.
Dude needs to do what's best for him and his children. Not what might be best for his parents or kids' friends. They can deal.

I feel it's unhealthy to fear change so much that you'd rather stay in a comfortable, but less than ideal situation, than to embrace change and better yourself.
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#12 Jan 28, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Dude needs to do what's best for him and his children. Not what might be best for his parents or kids' friends. They can deal.
I feel it's unhealthy to fear change so much that you'd rather stay in a comfortable, but less than ideal situation, than to embrace change and better yourself.
I was thinking more about him and his children, and is making a move worth it for a job. Just that I've seen people make that kind of move and wish they could come back. And what if the new job decides after a short time they don't want him. Or they go under. Okay yeah it might work out well too, but he has to weigh the risks. Will his kids be happy in a new place? If they are Texans moving to NYC for example those kids are going to be teased merclessly for the way they talk. I'm saying don't move just because someone out of town was the first to offer you a job.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#13 Jan 28, 2014
LW1: Team Blunt Advice. Get a job closer to your parents' home and then move out. Moving to another state is just going to add to your stress.

LW2: You are underweight and you have a body typical of many women with a little bit of fat stored in your thighs and belly. Your problem is not your body. Your problem is that your husband finds fault with you and bullies you to change. You ask how to deal with it. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he must stop and that you will not listen to any more complaints about your body. If he starts in on you again, leave. Stay in a hotel for a couple of nights. If he will not change, get out of this marriage. You don't want to listen to this for a lifetime. Oh, and the kind of body he seems to like belongs to a man. Maybe he's gay.(j/k)

LW3: Your friend has some unfinished business but it is really none of YOUR business. She'll figure it out eventually.

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