Posted in the Chicago Forum
Since: Jun 09
#1 May 12, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I’ve been dating for more than three years. Very early in our relationship, I brought up the fact that I don’t want to change my last name when I get married. He was upset by it and told me he’d want his wife to change her last name, but at that time the conversation ended at that.
He proposed two months ago. Last week I told him that because I knew taking his last name was important to him, I’d be willing to hyphenate my last name, and his and any children would have his name alone. I thought he’d be overjoyed, since this was a big compromise for me.
He wasn’t overjoyed. He said that if I kept my maiden name in any form, it’d be like a demonstration that I’m not “fully committed” to the marriage and that I’m keeping one foot out the door.
I respect his point of view, but my wish to retain my maiden name (at least partially) is just as strong as his wish for me to take his name. I thought that hyphenating would be a perfect solution.
He’s asking me to reconsider. I love him, but I don’t feel that I should have to give in any more on this issue. How do I handle this? I don’t want one of us to enter the marriage feeling resentful about my decision.-- Mrs. Two Last Names
DEAR MRS.: So far, you and your guy are demonstrating that as a couple you face serious issues by you compromising and him being unhappy and asking you to reconsider.
This dynamic gives you something very real (and very important) to talk about during your premarital counseling, which you (and everyone) should have.
DEAR AMY: My wife and I have a great marriage (it is a second marriage for both), but I see a big problem looming. She has a married son who lives far away. We only see him once or twice a year. It was just revealed that he is moving close to us, which means that he will be around a lot.
He is very cheap. He lets his mother (or me) pay for everything, never paying his fair share for food or drink when we are together. Basically, he’s a 30-year-old mommy’s boy who sponges off of mommy (and, indirectly, me).
His moving is really making me uncomfortable. I am afraid that I am going to erupt sometime and say something that would hurt my wife. How can I tell him to reach into his own pocket? He makes more than my wife and me together, and his wife also has a good job.-- Anticipating
DEAR ANTICIPATING: Based on what you report, I’m going to assume that this son is not hitting up his mother (or you) for large purchases, loans or bailouts, but that he has let you pick up the check on those infrequent occasions when you have dined together. While this is ungenerous, you must acknowledge that it could be worse. Much, much worse.
You and your wife should negotiate in advance what you will (and will not) pay for when it comes to family handouts. You could even set aside an amount strictly for this purpose, to which you both contribute.
You should admit to your wife that your concerns aren’t only about her son’s cheapness, however. Tell her that the close relationship worries you because you wonder how his inclusion in your daily life will turn your loving partnership into a triangle. This is a very valid worry, and you are right to raise it now.
In the meantime, don’t panic, and even allow for the possibility that this relationship could actually turn out to be a positive one for you.
DEAR AMY: You recently answered a letter from “Frowned-upon in Florida” by using the antiquated term “wheelchair bound” to describe people who use wheelchairs. Rather than being “bound” or “confined” to it, the wheelchair has given these people the freedom to move about their communities.
A more appropriate term would be “wheelchair dependent.”-- Board-Certified Physiatrist
DEAR PHYSIATRIST: Other readers have suggested “wheelchair user.”
“reign in blood”
Since: May 09
#2 May 12, 2013
1- If you aren't willing to take your husband's name, you have no business getting married.
2- I'm inclined to agree with Amy. You take this guy out to dinner once or twice a year and btch about picking up the check. Then assume that when he's living closer, he'll be a total mooch. I say you unclench and chill.
3- For the love of all that is holy!! Political correctness run amok! Simply as an act of rebellion against this nonsense, I'm using "gimp" from now on! Now get your gimpass back in your gimp chair and roll to hell.
Since: Mar 09
#3 May 12, 2013
L2: It's intern Sunday! LW is anticipating problems that don't exist yet and may never. Be a little bit pro-active and relax.
L3: "Dependent" sounds a lot worse than "bound" to me. In any case, we all know what the frick it means when someone's in a wheelchair and using different terminology isn't going to miraculously enable them to rise and walk.
#4 May 12, 2013
Agree that LW2 should tell the 30-year-old married man that he has no intention of crippling a man capable of taking care of himself, if and when the problem actualy comes up.
#5 May 12, 2013
LW1 - If your BF is not willing to change his name to yours, he has no business getting married. Dump him.
LW2 - Tell him to pick up the check once in a while.
LW3 - PC police.
Saint Petersburg, FL
#6 May 13, 2013
LW1: I like what Cass said!
LW2: Don't go out to dinner with them, or do it dutch treat
LW3: I envision a day where it will be Politically Incorrect to call my dog a dog. I wonder what name they'll come up with.
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