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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 6, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am an attractive 70-year-young woman who has been going to a therapist for two years for depression. The depression is much better now. However, I have been gradually losing my hair. I come from a family of women with thinning hair, and my mother and grandmother both wore wigs as older women.

After much soul-searching, research and trial-and-error, I bought a very realistic silver-gray wig and started wearing it.

It looks great. My sister didn't even realize it was a wig. People just say that my hair looks good. I am divorced and trying online dating, so I feel I need all the help and confidence I can get. Believe me, my wig doesn't look like Dolly Parton's big hair.

I've observed that it is acceptable for men to have thinning (or no) hair, but not women.

This week -- out of the blue -- my therapist told me I was "wearing a mask for society." When I asked what she meant by that, she said she was referring to my wig and that my own hair wasn't that bad.

Now I'm wondering if I am hiding my real self by wearing a wig.

Any comments from you or your readers?-- Reluctant Wig-wearer

DEAR RELUCTANT: In my view, if you went into your therapist's office with your depression under control and sporting a full Dolly Parton wig and outfit -- and if you reported that you felt good about it -- your therapist should pronounce you 100 percent awesome.

Your therapist's role is to help you to explore your motivations, actions and reactions, and help you face the consequences of your choices. It is appropriate for your therapist to ask you to reflect on why you are choosing to wear a wig, but not to judge its aesthetics -- or to say that your own hair "wasn't that bad" -- unless you specifically asked for her feedback (in which case you could expect her to be thoughtful, respectful and completely frank).

We all wear "masks for society." If you know that what's beneath your wig is acceptable and authentic but you prefer to wear it because you like the way you look and feel when you're wearing it, then I'd say you're making the right choice. I'll welcome reader reactions.

DEAR AMY: I am a woman in her mid-40s who divorced five years ago. I have recently started dating for the first time in many years. What is the proper protocol for who pays the dinner bill on a first date with someone I've met through an online service like Match. com?-- Dating Again

DEAR DATING: If you and your prospective date mutually agree to go out for a meal, you should split the check. If you invite someone to dinner and choose the restaurant, you should offer to pick up the check after the meal.

Online matching is great, and I highly recommend it as a good way to get out there and meet new people. But the preferable first date for someone you've never met in person is coffee or lunch, rather than an evening meal.

If you meet for coffee, you and your date don't have to invest the extensive time and expense that a dinner would require. A daytime date gives you both the opportunity for an in-person conversation, without the pressure of a dinner date and wrangling over the check.

DEAR AMY: I used to think like "Of Sound Mind" when I was her age. At 17, she felt certain she would never want to have children.

I'm glad I didn't make any permanent choices at that age. Now I am 29, pregnant with our second child and very happy about it.

Please tell this young woman that I respect her for knowing what she wants right now, but that her dreams don't have to be sacrificed when you choose to start a family. There's plenty of room for both children and ambition.-- Working Mom

DEAR MOM: "Of Sound Mind" might actually never change her mind about the decision to bear children, but I agree that as a teenager she isn't old enough to make a permanent, irreversible choice.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Aug 6, 2013
1- It's the same with the boob job. If it makes you feel better about yourself, go for it.

2- How many letters are we gonna do on this? The man should pay for the first date. If there are subsequent dates, split the check or trade off. Or the man can keep paying if he's fine with it.

3- She was 17, so she thinks she knows everything by now.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#3 Aug 6, 2013
1: My bet is the LW's hair isn't thinning that badly yet, and she is over-reacting.

2: If I was single I'd say we either thumb wrestle or flip a coin for who's buying.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Aug 6, 2013
L1: Your therapist needs to go. So does Amy. "We all wear ďmasks for society.Ē No, "we all" do not.

L2: Don't go to dinner for a first date. First of all, whomever initiated should pay. If you did initiate, and he insists on paying, then politely allow him to do so. But just meet for coffee and drinks. Trust me. I'm a veteran of online dating and after a while, you get tired of spending four or five hours having dinner and hanging out with someone you have no plans to see again. If you meet for coffee or cocktails, consider showing up early and just getting your own drink while you wait.

L3:'Iím glad I didnít make any permanent choices at that age. " It wasn't possible. No reputable doctor would have helped you make your decision permanent. Oh, my goodness, all that wasted angst!

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#5 Aug 6, 2013
L1: Ignore the therapist, plop that wig on your head if it makes you feel better and then invest your time doing something else then going on match.com . The only men you would possibly find are going to be older then you. Then you will be even more depressed because the odds are you'll end up staying at home taking care of them. You're not going to find a rich one who will kick the bucket because they will be going after someone younger. This is reality.
Travel, find friends to take trips with, get involved in senior organizations just for something to do. Companionship is great but so is friendship. Sometimes it's just as good to have control of the remote and live life independently.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#6 Aug 6, 2013
1 I am feeling a disconnect from her choice about the wig and her shrinks mention of it. Did she ask the shrink about what they thought? Did the shrink just decide to tell her?
The details would dictate my response, so I got nuthin.

2 Isnt their a FAQ section on these sites that would address these questions?

3 yay for you, but the LW was not choosing career over children, but no children at all for any reason. Which I interpret to be no maternal instinct.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Aug 6, 2013
dahgts: I agree.

I think a 70yo woman doing match.com is in for a real disappointment. The men are in control at that point -- there are far more women than men at 70 and older, and like humans will do, they will use that to their advantage. Many have already been married, probably for a long time, and are divorced or widowed, and they are not so likely to settle down with just one woman. SOme will, sure, but I don't think most will. They want some fun before they die, and they want fun with more than one woman. Just look at the letters from old ladies to advice columnists about the trouble they have getting the old guy in the senior home to settle down with them.

Dahgts gave good advice.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#8 Aug 6, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3:'Iím glad I didnít make any permanent choices at that age. " It wasn't possible. No reputable doctor would have helped you make your decision permanent. Oh, my goodness, all that wasted angst!
True. I also dislike the general vibe that LW is going to be just like her, and will want kids later. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. Original LW needs to shut up about it because it shows a lack of maturity to be throwing it out there and arguing with others about such a personal matter, but that doesn't mean that she is going to decide she wants babies at some point in the future.
I knew long before 17 that I didn't ever want kids, and have never felt like I missed out on anything. Lots of people cannot imagine a fulfilled life without them, but I have no regrets.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#9 Aug 6, 2013
I think daghats gave horrible advice. You've got a pretty bleak and negative outlook on seniors in the dating game. People in that situation are looking for companionship. The men aren't just looking for a young floozy.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#10 Aug 6, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
I think daghats gave horrible advice. You've got a pretty bleak and negative outlook on seniors in the dating game. People in that situation are looking for companionship. The men aren't just looking for a young floozy.
I knew you'd be the one to respond that way. I've been around a heck of a lot longer then you. I've probably lived through more life experiences then you. Especially in social settings. I know I have more insight and common sense then you show. I'm pretty sure that I am surrounded by friends and acquaintances in this age group. That said, when you get to that age then come talk to me, except I won't be around to watch you try to get some old broad to wipe your butt.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#11 Aug 6, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
I think daghats gave horrible advice. You've got a pretty bleak and negative outlook on seniors in the dating game. People in that situation are looking for companionship. The men aren't just looking for a young floozy.
Actually, many old men ARE. And they get it. The 75 year old man who can drive and still can "function" is getting the 65 year old women at the retiremetn community. He's not going for the 80-year-old women.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#12 Aug 6, 2013
LW1 - I hate the phrase "X-years-YOUNG." Please stop obsessing about your aging. But... wear the wig if you wish and dump this therapist. Find another one.

LW2 - Dont' go to dinner on the first date. Really, don't. And if you do, split the check.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Aug 6, 2013
LW1: Your therapist sounds like an a$s. Iíd find a new one.

LW2: There is no protocol. All guys are different, but I think the man should pay if he wants to put his best foot forward.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#14 Aug 6, 2013
LW1: Dump the therapist and keep the wig.

Also don't the make Rogain for women? I'm pretty sure I saw that; she should give that a try if the hair loss isn't that far along.

LW2: What the others have said.

LW3: Sorry, I don't have a response. I have PRSD.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Aug 6, 2013
Cass wrote:
LW1 - I hate the phrase "X-years-YOUNG." Please stop obsessing about your aging.
ITA.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#16 Aug 6, 2013
2: Man asks; man pays.
I would prefer coffee for a first date but a lot want dinner. I won't be rude and say no. Just enjoy your dinner!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#17 Aug 6, 2013
dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
I knew you'd be the one to respond that way. I've been around a heck of a lot longer then you. I've probably lived through more life experiences then you. Especially in social settings. I know I have more insight and common sense then you show. I'm pretty sure that I am surrounded by friends and acquaintances in this age group. That said, when you get to that age then come talk to me, except I won't be around to watch you try to get some old broad to wipe your butt.
I have more insight, common sense, and life experiences than many people twice my age.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#18 Aug 6, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Actually, many old men ARE. And they get it. The 75 year old man who can drive and still can "function" is getting the 65 year old women at the retiremetn community. He's not going for the 80-year-old women.
I simply disagree. I've spent time at a retirement community (my mother lived at one.) I did not encounter this at all.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#19 Aug 6, 2013
Dude, You are Creepy!

Why would you even be checking out the dating rituals in a retirement community?
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I simply disagree. I've spent time at a retirement community (my mother lived at one.) I did not encounter this at all.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 Aug 6, 2013
I have no experience with this part: If a person has a hairpiece or wig, do you take it off before you go to bed with someone? If you don't, does it slip during , um, festivities?

What about teeth? Do they stay in overnight or come out?

IMNSHO,almost any extra appliance or procedure is a mask: wig, face lift, tummy tuck. I exclude only the functional ones like contact lenses, hearing aids and false teeth.

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