“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Nov 18, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law tends to embrace every pitiful creature she comes into contact with. This Thanksgiving she has invited my ex-boyfriend and his wife to her home to share in the festivities. My ex was abusive to me most of the time, and we did not end on good terms. The woman he cheated on me with is now his wife.

My ex was sneaky and manipulative, and I believe his only reason for wanting to be there is to check up on me and my husband. I have explained this to my husband and his mother, and told them I don't feel comfortable with the situation. They both told me I am "overreacting" and that he was a part of my past and I have since moved on.

I feel the family I love has betrayed me. The idea of my ex being involved in what should be a comfortable family day has me afraid and uneasy. Am I overreacting? Or is my husband's mother being unreasonable?-- DREADING THANKSGIVING

DEAR DREADING THANKSGIVING: I do not think you are overreacting. It was insensitive of your mother-in-law to invite your abusive ex and his wife to the gathering without first checking with you. While you may have moved on, I can see why this would not be something you would look forward to. Frankly, it's surprising that your mother-in-law would even know your ex -- let alone invite him to her home.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living on my own for three years. I recently moved back to my hometown and share a great apartment with my best friend from childhood.
My mother has had a serious alcohol problem for as long as I can remember. She will be moving back to the area next month for a new job. Dad couldn't get a job transfer, so he'll have to stay at their current house, which is five hours away.

I love Mom, but I'm very worried because I will be her closest family member location-wise. Her drinking has grown progressively worse over the last few years and has been the cause of three major surgeries. If something happens while she's living on her own, I don't know what I'll do.

Talking to my family is useless. It gets brushed aside because they don't want to deal with the pain after all these years. Do you have any suggestions to make this transition easier?-- HEAVY-HEARTED DAUGHTER IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HEAVY-HEARTED: For the sake of your sanity, you must not assume responsibility for your mother's drinking problem. Before she arrives, it would be helpful for you to attend some Al-Anon meetings or visit a chapter of Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization. They can help you to maintain your emotional equilibrium as well as share experiences that will help you to cope with her without being overwhelmed.

Al-Anon should be listed in your phone directory because it is everywhere, or you can visit Al-AnonFamilyGroups. The website for Adult Children of Alcoholics

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Nov 18, 2013
1 Stay home, refuse to be manipulated, and your husband is bonkers or a pu*y if he goes against your wishes on this.

2 Sounds like dad lucked out. Good advice for you though.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#3 Nov 18, 2013
L1: MIL obviously doesn't embrace you and I agree with Race about the husband. Develop an excruciating migraine and stay home. They will talk about you at dinner. A turkey TV dinner will be better then that dinner table.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Nov 18, 2013
1- Good point, how the hell does your mother in law not only know your ex, but is on good enough terms with him to invite him to Thanksgiving? Stay in your own trailer that day.

2- What exactly is your problem?
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#5 Nov 18, 2013
i sure hope both these letters are fake....

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Nov 18, 2013
LW1: Your mil and husband need to be hit upside the head with a clue bat. I would skip this years festivities, and I would tell your husband to go f himself.

LW2: Its not your problem. Treat it that way.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Nov 18, 2013
LW1: Is your's a happy marriage,'cause it really sounds like your husband and MIL are trying to get you to leave. Don't go and I'll second Sub's suggestion to tell your husband to go eff himself.

LW2: She can only become your problem if you let her. I know it will be tough, because she is your mother, but you have to concentrate on what is best for you. And if that means not being your mother's drinking buddy and/or white knight, so be it.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#8 Nov 18, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- Good point, how the hell does your mother in law not only know your ex, but is on good enough terms with him to invite him to Thanksgiving? Stay in your own trailer that day.
Small town? Same church, work together, knew ex FIRST?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Nov 18, 2013
LW1 I agree with Squishy and Sub, but I would be more frceful about it. I would say, that if wx is present, O will not be. Then find a soup kitchen to volunteer at that day. It will keep you occupied and they will appreciate you.

FWIW- I'll bet this is either a small town or the boys knew each other in high school. My husband ha a friend from high school whom I truly loathe and he is aware of it. When we visit his hometown there are group occasions when I cannot avoid being around T but I am at the other end of the table and try very hard to talk to someone else.

LW2 Yes to Al-Anon. It will help to verbalize/subverbalize/write down your boundaries, so you can refresh your memory when the situation comes up. You should also pre-plan your responses to her expected manipulations. Make a script and stick to it. It helps enormously
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#10 Nov 18, 2013
Crossing boundaries Monday, huh?

LW1: Teams Race and Sublime. You've got to be @#$^% joking. There is no way I would go to Thanksgiving dinner at MIL's under those circumstances. She's either completely clueless and insensitive or she likes to stir up drama, but whatever the case, it's MIL's problem. Book a weekend getaway.

LW2: Team Abby and PEllen.

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