“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 13, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have a great boyfriend. He's kind, sweet, smart and funny. We love to be together and to talk, just the two of us. When I'm at work and we're apart, I look forward to being with him.

Here's the thing. He's 43, and I'm 20.

My mom didn't say anything negative about this until he asked me to move in with him. She said that he's too old for me, that he's old enough to be my father, and that it's creepy and gross.

She said that he has too much power because he's older, that he'll manipulate me to do stuff that I don't want to do. He's not that way. I had a boyfriend who got me to smoke weed when I was 14 and he was 16 -- only a two-year difference. Another guy got me to drink when we were both 17. A boyfriend who was a year older wanted me to have a threesome with his slutty ex, but I said no.

My mom thinks we have nothing to talk about, but that's just crazy. We talk all the time. It's like we never shut up. We've been together for almost 10 months. We're both really happy. Do you think we should break up just because he's 23 years older than me?

I don't get why it's a big deal. But maybe I'm being stupid. Do you think we should break up?-- B

DEAR B: I don't think you should break up just because of the age difference. I think you should break up because you're not mature enough to be in any healthy relationship.

I know this because of your history of being "manipulated" by guys, going back to that boyfriend when you were 14 who "got" you to smoke weed. After that, someone else "got" you to drink. You didn't participate in the threesome, presumably, because you didn't like the slutty ex.

By your own account, you have a history of demonstrating the one thing that's worse than bad judgment: No judgment.

At 20, you are still in the midst of adolescence. Maybe this much older man will be a good and stable influence on you. I hope so -- because it sounds like you definitely need a real grown-up in your life.

DEAR AMY: My mother-in-law just told my husband that she's splitting her estate equally among him and his brother, their wives, the grandchildren and the grandchildren's wives.

Amy, this seems ridiculous. It should go to just the surviving sons, not all these other peripheral people, including me! I didn't have to live through the horrible childhood (beatings, etc.) that they had to endure. Also, we don't have children, so we're punished because we don't have kids.

My husband is always at her beck and call. The other brother maybe visits once yearly, and doesn't return calls.

I believe my husband deserves half the estate -- not a tiny portion. Actually I hope she spends it all while she's here, so we don't have to think about it.

It's very hurtful to my husband, who's been a great son, to think he's equally as important to her as a "granddaughter-in-law. " Should we bring it up, or leave it be, since it's her estate to do what she pleases with?-- This Stings

DEAR STINGS: I appreciate your strong advocacy for your husband. If you want him to get more money, you should give him your share. Otherwise, leave this alone. Your husband's choice to be kind to his mother is ultimately a very healthy one, but he should not allow his mother -- or you -- to manipulate him.

She should be encouraged to do whatever she wants with her money, but urged to keep the details to herself.

DEAR AMY: "Unsure" reported wondering about her sexual orientation even though she has been with her boyfriend for several years. Wow. That sounds familiar. My father had a wife and kids before he figured out he is gay. It was a rough time, but now everybody is happier and he's still a great father.-- Experienced

DEAR EXPERIENCED: Life is easier when you are comfortable in your own skin.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 Aug 13, 2014
1- he's older than you are old. I think Amy's right, you don't have a very good track record. Wonder what your father thinks...

2- her money, her decision. But out

3- turning him gay must have been pretty rough on your mom
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#3 Aug 13, 2014
LW1 - Oh, brother. What a ditz. ITA with Dog.

LW2 - This LW is not advocating for her husband. She is advocating for herself. Say, mom has 100,000 (for easy counting). Split between, for example, 10 people (sons, DILS, grandkids, and grandkids' spouses), it is $10K a piece, and LW and hubby get $20 together. Split between the brothers, LW and hubby get $50K. So, the $50K legally belongs to the hubby (in most states, inheritance will not be community property), but unless LW divorces hubby at any point where the money is still sitting in some account, she'll get some use out of it. You can do a lot more on $50K than on $20K.

That issue aside, ITA with Dog again.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Aug 13, 2014
Lw1: I don't have a problem with the age difference...except that one of you is barely an adult, not yet even old enough to drink. Nice to have you in the rotation, but to move you in? Dude probably has no luck with the ladies and so now that he has you, he wants to keep you on lockdown.

Lw2: what dog said.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Aug 13, 2014
Lw2: i think its silly for amby to offer as a "solution" for lw to give "her" share to her husband. Its still the same amount coming into the household. Does not make any difference unless amby expected lw to blow her whole share on herself otherwise.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Aug 13, 2014
1 Wow honey, Personally, a 20yr old would bore me to no end, but I would not be dating her for the conversation anyway. Have at it, and maybe you will try that threesome!

2 You need to advocate for your husband right away. Make it clear that unless he gets 50% then all contact will be cut off, and maybe even a little something will get put in her tea (saw the end of breaking bad last night) DO NOT let that witch control the purse strings.

3 Your dad is stupid. How can you not "Figure Out" that you're gay?
I thought gays were born that way, and know from childhood, but apparently your father needed an instruction manual.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Aug 13, 2014
LW1: Just from how your letter is written and the things you say in it, I can tell you have a lot of growing up to do. That a 43 year old man would want a relationship with a girl who is not developmentally an adult and who still has many childish tendencies is odd. You have a lot more maturing to do. I suggest you spend some time single and figure out who you want to be instead of letting boys/men decide this for you.

LW2: MYOB. Itís not even your mom. Let your husband handle it.
I feel since it is her money and she can do what she wants. It doesnít have to be what you would do with it if you were her and it doesnít have to be fair.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#8 Aug 13, 2014
RACE wrote:
3 Your dad is stupid. How can you not "Figure Out" that you're gay?
I thought gays were born that way, and know from childhood, but apparently your father needed an instruction manual.
It's like saying someone is born straight, but decided to have a gay relationship for the first 40 yrs of their life.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Aug 13, 2014
L1: Barf. This 20 year old will probably not listen to anything that isn't what she wants to hear. No she should not be with him, she should be out there having a blast. I'm hard pressed, too, to understand what a 43 year old would want with a 20 year old besides sex. I'm with Tonka. He's putting her on lockdown.

L2: I think it's idiotic that people get this way about inheritance. Ain't your money! I told my ex's grandmother (before he was an ex) to spend every last damn dime on herself and don't give a penney to any of them. I think the nursing home stuff ate up a lot of her money and whatever was leftover I'm sure her son scarfed that up. They were all so greedy with no conscience.

L3: People will try to fit in.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Aug 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
. I'm hard pressed, too, to understand what a 43 year old would want with a 20 year old besides sex. I'm with Tonka. He's putting her on lockdown.
Thing is, I don't see a problem if their relationship is just about sex. But moving her in indicates something more than having fun right now. So he's either a predator looking for someone young and malleable to control, or someone who has never had luck with the ladies and thinks he just hit the jackpot and thinks moving her in with him will take her off the market.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Aug 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Thing is, I don't see a problem if their relationship is just about sex. But moving her in indicates something more than having fun right now. So he's either a predator looking for someone young and malleable to control, or someone who has never had luck with the ladies and thinks he just hit the jackpot and thinks moving her in with him will take her off the market.
I agree but I got a distinct feeling that wasn't what the relationship is all about (at least in her eyes). She's looking for her mother's approval so it must mean more to her. I agree with you.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#12 Aug 13, 2014
RACE wrote:
3 Your dad is stupid. How can you not "Figure Out" that you're gay?
I thought gays were born that way, and know from childhood, but apparently your father needed an instruction manual.
3: Ha! That's easy. The lw's grandfather (lw's dad's dad) was closely related to edog. edog is actually the lw's grandfather's clone. Growing up with him for a dad would likely confuse any gay lad. It took him awhile to figure things out. ;-)
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#13 Aug 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
L1: Barf. This 20 year old will probably not listen to anything that isn't what she wants to hear. No she should not be with him, she should be out there having a blast. I'm hard pressed, too, to understand what a 43 year old would want with a 20 year old besides sex. I'm with Tonka. He's putting her on lockdown.
L2: I think it's idiotic that people get this way about inheritance. Ain't your money! I told my ex's grandmother (before he was an ex) to spend every last damn dime on herself and don't give a penney to any of them. I think the nursing home stuff ate up a lot of her money and whatever was leftover I'm sure her son scarfed that up. They were all so greedy with no conscience.
L3: People will try to fit in.
1: I have to agree. The lw is not very bright; she reminds me of those dodo's who get involved with guys who have babies with multiple women and are way behind in paying child support. Same kind of "life skills IQ." Her mom didn't say anything at first because she was too busy praying that the relationship would end and knew if she said anything, it would only push the girl to deepen her involvement. Too bad her prayers didn't work.

2: My mom's siblings used to fight over who my grandfather would/should leave his money to. My mom used to tell her father to leave it to the child he liked least because he/she would suffer for inheritance for years afterwards getting insults and barbs from many of the others. She realized what they didn't - that he really didn't have much money to leave. He ended his life with a good number of years in a nursing home. He was 96/97 years old and had nothing to leave any of his kids. So no problem or sibling arguments resulted.

3: I agree. Considering society's views when this lw's dad was growing up, it would have been difficult to even understand some of what he was feeling. It was common to hide homosexuality even when a person was aware of his/her orientation. That only made it more difficult for a young person to understand his/her own feelings and their only reference point would have been that it was sinful to feel that way rather than knowing that thousands (millions?) of others had the same kind of feelings.

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