“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 4, 2013
DEAR AMY: My daughter had a baby four months ago. Her in-laws moved in with them at that time.

The baby was put in a bassinet for the first month or so. After that the bassinet was put away, and they did not put the crib up. The in-laws put the little baby to sleep in their bed at night. I have heard of horror stories of babies being smothered or falling out of bed.

My daughter said that the baby will sleep with them until she starts school. She is dead serious. I have talked very firmly to my daughter, but she does nothing about the situation.

She says that they don't want the baby to cry. Babies need to cry. That is part of growing up.

I do not know what to do, so I am writing to you in the hope that you will print my letter and they will see that I am right about the baby's sleeping habits.-- Worried Grandma

DEAR GRANDMA: I shared your letter with Dr. Claire McCarthy, pediatrician at Boston Children's Hospital and an assistant professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School.

She replies: "According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the safest place for a baby to sleep is in the same room with the parents -- but in their own sleep space. When babies sleep in bed with the parents, there is always a risk that the baby could be smothered, fall off the bed or otherwise hurt.

"That said, many families co-sleep, for lots of different reasons. If so, they should do everything possible to lessen the risks, such as by making sure the mattress is firm, getting it low to the ground, keeping the baby away from any pillows and minimizing bedding.

"If parents have been drinking, are taking medications that make them very sleepy or just in general are very heavy sleepers, they should definitely not sleep with their babies."

Babies cry as a way of communicating, and parents should respond. Sometimes when families are trying to teach their baby to sleep independently we talk about letting babies cry for short periods of time, but a cry should never be completely ignored.

DEAR AMY: You gave exactly the right information to "Confused," who was struggling with his sexuality within his marriage.

*I know because I was in that situation about 15 years ago. I loved my wife, and she loved me, but after coming to the realization that I was gay, I couldn't keep it from her. In the three or four years when I pondered this very difficult disclosure (knowing that it would very likely bring a divorce), I experienced horrible depression and anxiety. At one point, I considered taking my life.

I chose instead to get counseling for myself -- to prepare for the discussion and to get support for my wife.

*It was a difficult time, and we waited about three months to tell the kids; but in that time, we had the best communication of our lives.

*We broke it to family members right after the holidays, and by January I moved into an apartment in the next town. My wife started attending a support group, where she met her (now) husband.

I have since married, and she and I maintain a close relationship. In fact, she and her husband shared Thanksgiving with us last year. I have a great picture of her standing next to my partner at the stove explaining the intricacies of making turkey gravy!

*I am much happier now, and so is she. Our kids (now grown) are delighted that they don't need to take "sides," and we are both invited to their homes together.-- AJ

DEAR AJ: Thank you for providing a thoughtful model of how this extremely challenging situation can be resolved.

DEAR AMY: "Mr. B" wrote to you, asking about the wisdom of family members not telling someone she is adopted. The strange secrecy and taboo surrounding adoption really need to stop. I cannot imagine the impact of learning this as an adult.-- Also Adopted

DEAR ADOPTED: I agree. It would throw off all of your relationships to learn that your entire clan had kept such important information from you.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jun 4, 2013
1 yes, put baby in a bassinet that has origami birds that wiggle when the baby screams. Then give it sensory deprivation so that it learns how to manage being alone. But keep it in your room so it is exposed to sex.

2 Again, another one who was not born gay, but became that way after getting married.

3 Hell, just live in kentucky, everybody there is related.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jun 4, 2013
L1: We had a few cases in the last few years here where babies died from being rolled over on, and in every single case, the mother had been drinking, doing drugs, or both. An expert weighed in and said that every documented case that he'd heard of involved a parent being under the influence. I think humans have been sleeping with their newborns and infants for thousands and thousands of years. I think you get to do what you think is best here.

Having said that, I will never support the "family bed" notion. I've known a handful of couples who practice this, and it's always mom-driven. The dads seem less than thrilled.

Having said THAT, I think it's beyond weird that your in-laws moved in and they will be sleeping with your daughter. WEIRD.

Having said THAT, butt out. You made your feelings known. DROP IT now.

L2; I think a big part of what made your transition such a success is unlike that LW, you weren't already involved with another man.

L3: OH my FREAKING god, can we drop this hyper repetitive garbage?

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#4 Jun 4, 2013
I've heard of super fat women rolling over and killing their babies, too.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Jun 4, 2013
And their husbands.
Matilda77 wrote:
I've heard of super fat women rolling over and killing their babies, too.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Jun 4, 2013
This sounds like a cultural issue. I'd bet American girl married immigrant or 1st generation guy.

I also think ambiguous pronouns are causing some confusion. I would be surprised if the in laws have moved in permanently until the child goes to school.

Even though Race was being sarcastic, for much of history and in much of the world, there is only one communal bed. Kids have slept with parents even when they are having sex.

A couple of points:

LW won't get the child to sleep over at her house until she is at school.

Parents may have a change of heart during toilet training if everyone has to wake up to change the sheets when the kid has wet the bed or just when she gets up to go to the bathroom.

Kids get up at night. If kid wants to fall asleep on the couch , she will.

First time one of the parents gets sick, kid will be moved.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Jun 4, 2013
LW1: I have no problems with co-sleeping, but this is beyond weird that the child is not co-sleeping with his/her own parents!

And I like how Amy's answer didn't really help the LW. Good going on the mealy-mouthed answer, Amy.

LW2: Yeah, yeah, good for you.

LW3: A double dose of rehash? Amy must be on Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me this week. It takes a lot of energy to come up with the lame jokes.
pde

Palatine, IL

#8 Jun 4, 2013
PEllen wrote:
This sounds like a cultural issue. I'd bet American girl married immigrant or 1st generation guy.
I also think ambiguous pronouns are causing some confusion. I would be surprised if the in laws have moved in permanently until the child goes to school.
I have a few Indian (from India) coworkers, and the parents of the husband moving in when the kids are born and never leaving again seems pretty common. One of my coworkers has both her mother and her inlaws + 2 children and her husband in a small suburban house. I don't wonder that she spends so much time at work.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Union, NJ

#9 Jun 4, 2013
2- Well, glad divorcing your wife and breaking up your family made YOU feel better about yourself.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#10 Jun 4, 2013
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
I have a few Indian (from India) coworkers, and the parents of the husband moving in when the kids are born and never leaving again seems pretty common. One of my coworkers has both her mother and her inlaws + 2 children and her husband in a small suburban house. I don't wonder that she spends so much time at work.
Some of the Indian women here fly back to India to live with their parents for the first 6 months or year of the kid's life while the dad stays here and works. Shmeh, whatever works.

Heh, when I was a kid, my mom mentioned that if something were to happen to my paternal grandfather, my paternal grandmother (legally blind, but a feisty old bat) might have to come live with us. I wasn't glad that she *died*, but I was glad that she died before my grandpa.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Jun 4, 2013
Matilda77 wrote:
I've heard of super fat women rolling over and killing their babies, too.
Wasn't there a recent case where a woman killed her SECOND child by crushing him? I don't think she was super fat, though.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#12 Jun 4, 2013
Stina wrote:
<quoted text>
Wasn't there a recent case where a woman killed her SECOND child by crushing him? I don't think she was super fat, though.
I didn't hear about that one. Fool me once, right?

I was afraid of mooshing Dexter (my dog) when he was a bitty thing, but I had kind of a sixth sense about where he was. I imagine it's the same for *most* people co-sleeping with a baby.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#13 Jun 4, 2013

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#14 Jun 4, 2013
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#15 Jun 4, 2013
Matilda77 wrote:
http://hollywoodlife.com/2012/ 04/09/mother-kills-two-babies- in-bed/
Oh, and this one.
This is the one I was thinking of!

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#16 Jun 4, 2013
Ugh, I was reading about the parents smushing their babies and that somehow moved in to an article on parents forgetting kids in cars on hot days. Eight kids dead in America already this year from that. I feel like that's something that could happen to the best parent. And you would just beat yourself up nonstop for the rest of your life.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Jun 4, 2013
Matilda77 wrote:
Ugh, I was reading about the parents smushing their babies and that somehow moved in to an article on parents forgetting kids in cars on hot days. Eight kids dead in America already this year from that. I feel like that's something that could happen to the best parent. And you would just beat yourself up nonstop for the rest of your life.
Wow, I feel like I usually read/hear about those stories even when they're far away in other states. NOw they're so common (relatively speaking), they're no longer newsworthy across state lines? I haven't heard of those eight cases at all.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#18 Jun 4, 2013
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#19 Jun 4, 2013
Matilda77 wrote:
Ugh, I was reading about the parents smushing their babies and that somehow moved in to an article on parents forgetting kids in cars on hot days. Eight kids dead in America already this year from that. I feel like that's something that could happen to the best parent. And you would just beat yourself up nonstop for the rest of your life.
There was one hear recently where the parents forgot the kid in the car. The other 2 or 3 kids made it into the house just fine. They were getting home at 4 AM. Hmmmm....

Can't remember if the baby died, but I think so.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 3 min JCPete 1,682,257
Trump is A 44 min Charlie Pharaoh 364
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 53 min RACE 11,751
Phantom of the Oprah. 56 min Rose of Tralee 19
Peace Corps in Africa, TRUMP is Correct! 57 min Rose of Tralee 4
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 57 min WelbyMD 243,234
george cardenas tucker 59 min Rose of Tralee 6

Chicago Jobs

More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages