“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Nov 10, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law cheated on my sister two years ago. He was caught by the private eye his lover's husband had hired. My sister took him back and has been trying to be "the good wife," but he has never really seemed to be sorry or a changed man.

My problem is I can't stand him. When we get together as a family, I know I'm supposed to be civil and respectful, but I ask myself, "Why?"

I love my sister and the children. The holidays are coming. I'd like to ask him if he's faithful now, but if I did, I know he'd only lie. Can you offer me some advice?-- HOLDING A GRUDGE IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.

DEAR HOLDING A GRUDGE: Yes. For the sake of your sister and the children, please resist the urge to make things more difficult by confronting your brother-in-law. Asking him about his fidelity status would embarrass him and possibly terminate their participation in any visit.

Because your sister is trying to make her marriage work in spite of the hurt her husband has caused, the kindest thing you could do for her and the children would be to make the reconciliation as easy as possible. Tempting as it may be, please don't stir the pot.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 10-year-old girl whose family is divided. My dad brought me up, and I love him. However, my aunt hates him. I don't really know why. Dad tells me she helped my mom argue with him. My aunt is nice to me. They rarely talk to each other anymore.

I don't know which side to take. I don't want to take sides and I don't plan to. My mother died a few years back and my dad took custody. I want to stay neutral, but I don't know who to trust.-- IN THE MIDDLE IN MISSOURI

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Not knowing your father or your aunt, I can't decide this for you. I will point out, however, that when a couple is having a disagreement, it rarely helps if other family members get involved. What happens then is the person with less support feels ganged up on and becomes defensive.

If your aunt makes you feel torn between her and your dad, then what she's doing is wrong. It's OK to love both of them. While I agree that you should remain neutral, your father is the person who is raising you, and he deserves your love and loyalty unless he proves he cannot be trusted.

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife and I were a team for many years. She was the brains and I was the brawn. She took care of business matters, taxes and household duties. I did the repairs, vehicle upkeep and took care of the lawn and our garden. She was a computer whiz, while I remained computer illiterate.

As we advanced in age, I made preparations for my demise. I had everything perfectly planned. Then the unexpected happened. My wife died suddenly. I was devastated. Then I realized I was also totally lost.

She had gone completely paperless. I had no knowledge of anything. Some things were filed in the computer and others in the filing cabinet. I didn't know her email address, any account numbers and no passwords. All business transactions stopped completely, and my credit rating plummeted.

It has been a year since her death and I'm still trying to get everything corrected. Please remind your readers that the word "assume" can be a real meanie.-- SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS

DEAR SOMEWHERE: What a sobering letter. Usually the surviving spouse is the wife who was left in the dark. I'm glad you wrote, and I hope your letter will be a wake-up call to couples about sharing information.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Nov 10, 2013
1- Yeah, your sister and everyone else should bow to what YOU want. GET OVER IT, BTCH!

2- Que the dueling banjos.

3- Your wife should have given you full access to the finances. How the hell do you know she wasn't spending your retirement money on a gigalow? Hard lesson learned, but hopefully now you know better.

Plant City, FL

#3 Nov 10, 2013
1: It must hurt seeing a loved one allow mistreatment and stay with someone who would break the greatest of vows. She's told him his actions weren't that bad so when he does it again, be there for sis and try to get her to let him go.

No one deserves a cheat, no one.

3: I don't mind one doing all; I enjoy balancing accounts and doing bills, but the other spouse not knowing all the crucial info? Wife wasn't as smart as he thought.
Surely, banks and accounts can help him sooner than a year (with death cert) and sooner than plummeting credit ratings.

Hancock, NY

#4 Nov 10, 2013
1: My mom's advice applies here. Don't get involved with family members' marital problems. Don't say bad things about the "bad" spouse to the spouse you're talking to. They'll just get back together again and you'll be the "bad" guy instead of the friend to whom your relative cried.

2: Right, perhaps this lw's dad is like OJ Simpson and deserves the aunt's hatred. But we don't know that. It could also be that the aunt was his girlfriend first and he ended up dumping her and marrying her sister; so the aunt has hated him ever since. She also tried to undermine the marriage because she hated her sister for "stealing" her beau. We simply don't know the history but it's irrelevant at the moment. As long as he's a good dad to the lw, that's all she needs to know. She needs to stay out of her parents' and aunt's past and live in the present. The aunt should not be trying to undermine the girl's relationship with her father. Instead, she should simply be an aunt who is kind, loving and reliable - the kind of person the lw can turn to if she has a problem if she doesn't feel comfortable talking to her dad about.

3: My husband and I either share all our bank accounts or have the other one as an "in trust for" for any account in one name only. I also do some financial stuff online but I've told my husband and all my kids what my password is on my computer. All my online accounts are listed in one folder and I have a list of passwords in another on a different computer.

That said, it sounds really weird that this guy didn't know enough to find someone to go into his wife's computer to get all that information for him. It would have been cheaper to pay for that kind of help than what he ended up with. My guess is that he was so devastated by his wife's death that he simply let things slide.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Nov 10, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
3- Your wife should have given you full access to the finances. How the hell do you know she wasn't spending your retirement money on a gigalow? Hard lesson learned, but hopefully now you know better.
This is not a case of the wife withholding access from him. This is a case of her taking cre of the financial aspect of things and him not concerning himself with the details. Had he ever asked to take part, this does not sound like a relationship where she would have balked at the request.

In my marriage, I handle all the finances. I could cook the books and hide stuff from my wife if I wanted to. She trusts me to take care of things and I almost have to force her to sit down every now and then so I can give her a report on the status of our finances. And as you can imagine, paper is a dirty word in my world. Its all electronic.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Nov 10, 2013
LW 2 sounds like one of the kids from Ltr 1 a couple years from now

We have and will continue to skewer women who let their husbands handle all the finances only to be left adrift when he dies. Goes both ways, Texas.

What I find odd, is that this guy wasn't inundated with helpful women offering to assist with the computer like these same women used to bring over casseroles to widowers. Older widowers are chick magnets.

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