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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Mar 19, 2013
DEAR AMY: I know that "friends don't let friends drive drunk," but the last few times I've been in a situation in which I've offered to drive or call a cab for friends who'd been drinking, they've insisted they were "OK to drive."

One friend was so obviously impaired that I refused to get into her car and ended up walking.

She was angry with me, and we didn't speak for some time after the incident. Recently, a different acquaintance had been giggling about how "tipsy" she was but refused my offer to drive her home, and when I texted the next day to see if she'd made it home safely, she was irritated and said she never would have driven if she didn't think she was OK.

Amy, these are professional women in their 40s. I don't think I'm coming across as judgmental when I offer; I'm actually pretty nonconfrontational. In fact, I think I should be more assertive and just take their keys, but I don't know how.

Can you suggest any sort of tried and true script I could follow that would be effective in convincing people that even if they feel "OK" it's not worth taking the chance?-- Sober Friend

DEAR SOBER: First off, you are not responsible for your friends' atrocious and dangerous behavior. You attempted to intervene and drive a drunken friend home; when she declined, you were very wise to walk.

I shared your query with Dorene Ocamb, spokeswoman for Mothers Against Drunk Driving ( madd.org ), and we agree that a more assertive way to approach this would be to agree before the drinking starts that you will be the designated driver. The friend would relinquish her keys at the beginning of the evening, thus sparing you the impossible task of trying to lasso an inebriated friend.

Drunk or impaired people often report that they are "fine," but they are impaired and are in no condition to judge their own sobriety.

Ocamb adds, "The other alternative -- and we only suggest this with hesitation -- is that you have the option of calling the police. You have to figure out what's right for you and for your relationship."

DEAR AMY: I am a freshman in high school. Last summer my best friend was diagnosed with skin cancer. It wasn't very serious, but it took a definite toll on her.

I have been supportive and encouraging, and I've stood by her when times are tough. Recently she found out the scar she has from it won't ever go away. She seems to be becoming more and more sad. She has started looking at all the negatives in life, and sometimes it brings me down too. What I'm wondering is: How can I cheer her up?

I want her to be happy again. What do you say to someone with cancer, and how can I help change her outlook on life?-- Best Friend

DEAR FRIEND: Your best role is to prop up and encourage your friend when she seems down, and to be supportive and kind to her. You're doing a great job with that, and your friend is lucky to have you in her life.

But some things are beyond your abilities, and that is when the adults in her life should step in and become more involved.

Her sadness and negativity may not be directly related to her brush with serious illness. She sounds depressed, and she should see a doctor for an evaluation. Reach out to a trusted adult to share your concerns; disclose exactly what you are observing, and say you are worried about her and that you believe she needs help.

DEAR AMY: "Upset Girlfriend" was wrapped up in an online relationship with a controlling man who was in the military, stationed overseas. While I thought your advice was good, I'd like to point out that she wasn't actually in a real relationship. They hadn't even met!-- Upset Reader

DEAR READER: Well, it felt "real" to this woman, and the long-distance control he was exerting was all too real.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Mar 19, 2013
1 Amby gave good advice. Who wants the possible headache of a DWI when they are 40. Total career squash.

2 Again, good advice.

3 Ok, who wrote to amby?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Mar 19, 2013
L1: I believe you have a moral obligation to call the cops on them if they insist on driving. Keep track of the makes/models/license plate #s of your friends' cars.

By the way, your friends are doing this in their 40s? THey are losers. LOSERS.

MADD must be run by idiots. "“The other alternative — and we only suggest this with hesitation — is that you have the option of calling the police. You have to figure out what’s right for you and for your relationship.” Really? So it's okay to risk the lives of innocent people out on the road in order to save your friendship? Idiots.

L2: OH please it's a scar. I have 10 that I can think of right now. She'll live. Don't nurse this. The self-indulgence of sadness over a scar is ridiculous. Unless she's a burn/slashing victim and much of her face is disfigured (and that certainly doesn't seem to be the case here), she needs to stop moping over a simple scar. It's part of life.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Mar 19, 2013
LW1: Either you hang out with a bunch of clueless drunks or you are way overly cautious and put someone who literally had 1 or 2 drinks in the same class as someone who IS drunk.

LW3: It felt real? Really? It feels real to celebrity stalkers too. Doesn't mean it is.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Mar 19, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: OH please it's a scar. I have 10 that I can think of right now. She'll live. Don't nurse this. The self-indulgence of sadness over a scar is ridiculous. Unless she's a burn/slashing victim and much of her face is disfigured (and that certainly doesn't seem to be the case here), she needs to stop moping over a simple scar. It's part of life.
Who knows. Maybe the scar is on her cheek.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Mar 19, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Who knows. Maybe the scar is on her cheek.
Big deal. My friend has a skin cancer removal scar next to her eye.

LW's friend needs to see that LEthal Weapon movie with Rene Russo where she and Mel show each other all their scars.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Mar 19, 2013
F*King Klutz.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: OH please it's a scar. I have 10 that I can think of right now.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Mar 19, 2013
LW1: You’re not their mommy. They are grown women. Unless they are falling down drunk, suggest they don’t drive and then drop it.

LW2: Clowns … they always cheer people up, unless she is afraid of them.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#9 Mar 19, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: I believe you have a moral obligation to call the cops on them if they insist on driving. Keep track of the makes/models/license plate #s of your friends' cars.
I'm gonna have to disagree. While it may be the "right" thing to do so everybody can live in harmoney with rainbows and unicorns, I don't have a moral obligation to do squat. Call the cops on your friend and give them the make and model and license plate? That how you treat your friends? You can kiss that frienship goodbye.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#10 Mar 19, 2013
1. I've never had someone get PO'ed when I offered to save them from a DWI, ever. The LW doesn't know how to state it.

2. Scars affect people differently, but for Pete's sake, get over the vanity!

3. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but you have to meet someone in person to consider it a relationship. Unless you're Manti Te'o.......

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Mar 19, 2013
LW1: What Tonka said.

Maybe you should do things with your friends that doesn't involve alcohol.

LW2: Maybe call the American Cancer Society. I'm sure they have people who can help your friend.

LW3: Ha! What Tonka said.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Memphis, TN

#12 Mar 19, 2013
1. It is human nature to not want your faults to be pointed out, and driving drunk is a pretty big fault, but it is something a person in their 40's should certainly be able to address and handle appropriately. If your friends insist on driving drnk, find new friends to go out with. These friends sound like clowns.

2. She's a teenage girl, of course she's going to overreact to a cosmetic issue. She'll get over it eventually, it sounds like mom and dad are falling down a bit in this department. They should take her to a plastic surgeon for a consultation if for no other reason than the girl will feel like she's getting some good care.

3. Feeling real doesn't make it real, Amy, you clown.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#13 Mar 19, 2013
1: I will not get in a car with someone who has been drinking a lot. Maybe one drink, or a glass of wine with dinner, but that's it.
#childhoodtrauma

Mostly though I can't believe that in 2013 people still think they are going to be able to drive well after a night of drinking, or...that they would even take the chance of a DUI, not to mention a wreck/killing themselves/killing other people.

Seriously it's not "back in the day." Don't we all know by now that we WILL be impaired and we should plan to NOT drive before we even go out partying?

/rant

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Mar 19, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Big deal. My friend has a skin cancer removal scar next to her eye.
LW's friend needs to see that LEthal Weapon movie with Rene Russo where she and Mel show each other all their scars.
?? You would give her a pass if she was a slashing victim, but not if the hideous scar on her face was from cancer? I see the 2 as very similar.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Mar 19, 2013
L1: I'm with Tonka, too. Red makes an excellent point as well!

L2: Suggest you and her do volunteer work for cancer patients. She'll suddenly think nothing of that scar. BUT, there is another possibility -- the scar might represent to her a fear that the cancer can come back. She might need some therapy and stick with her check-ups.

L3: I tell ya, the LW contacted the wrong person. Should have gotten a hold of Nev of Catfish. http://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish/series.jhtml

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#16 Mar 19, 2013
2: I would like to point out that skin cancer, left untreated,*can* become the really bad kill you kind.

That said, they found it, it apparently isn't lethal and so freaking what she has a scar.

You are FRESHMEN in HIGH SCHOOL. Drama, drama, drama...your friend is milking it for all it's worth.

Just give her unending attention because that's what HIGH SCHOOL girls (mostly) want. She would probably be like "ohmygodmyworldisendingig otahangnail" too if you allowed it.

What's my point? Oh yeah, it was SKIN cancer. They found it. They cut it off. End of freaking story. It wasn't the bad bad bad cancer that requires chemo, radiation, etc. It sounds like early stage skin cancer and not poor delicate little flower has a scar. Boo hoo.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#17 Mar 19, 2013
L1. The o.o8 DUI laws in America are archaic and will continue to be a bone of contention until society wakes up and enacts a zero-tolerance policy towards drinking and driving.
Trust me on this one, you do not want me, a non-drinker, on the road at a o.o79 blood alcohol content level.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Mar 19, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm gonna have to disagree. While it may be the "right" thing to do so everybody can live in harmoney with rainbows and unicorns, I don't have a moral obligation to do squat. Call the cops on your friend and give them the make and model and license plate? That how you treat your friends? You can kiss that frienship goodbye.
Have fun when your drunk friend kills a family with children.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#19 Mar 19, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
?? You would give her a pass if she was a slashing victim, but not if the hideous scar on her face was from cancer? I see the 2 as very similar.
I know what a skin cancer removal scar looks like. I've seen countless, including on the face. It isn't a bad scar at all and it will fade over time.

Meanwhile, someone knifing your face so you have a scar from your nose to your ear? I think that's different than a 1.5-inch very pale line.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Mar 19, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
2. She's a teenage girl, of course she's going to overreact to a cosmetic issue. She'll get over it eventually, it sounds like mom and dad are falling down a bit in this department. They should take her to a plastic surgeon for a consultation if for no other reason than the girl will feel like she's getting some good care.
The girl had plastic surgery immediately after removal of the cancer surgery. How do I know this? Because everyone I know who's had skin cancer removed from their face had it done -- it's covered by insurance b/c it's restorative (like getting breast implants after a mastectomy).

$10 says it's a small scar no longer than 1 to 1.5 inches, is very pale, and not a big deal.

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