Ask Amy 6-21-14

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jun 21, 2014
Dear Amy: A group of "frenemies' recently went on a trip together. I wasn't invited and didn't have any expectation of an invitation. During their trip, someone in the group took a picture of them doing their thing with what they considered a funny caption and sent it to my email (knowing that I don't participate in Facebook and would not see it there).

I didn't find it a funny friend share, if you know what I mean.

I think it was a spiteful, mean-spirited thing to do (it's not the first time something like that has happened).

When I spoke about it to someone who knows the situation and who has also been hurt by this group, I was told to put on my big girl panties and get over it double smackdown.

My question is: Am I wrong to interpret this as a kind of bullying? I have, however, finally taken the hint and distanced myself from this group.

I'm a grown woman and this has put me in a deep funk. How do young people handle this stuff? Rejected and Dejected

Dear Rejected: This is a kind of bullying. It is the obnoxious, exclusionary, passive-aggressive, "Housewives of Atlanta" kind of bullying.

Young people handle this the same way you did by feeling sad and dejected and wondering where they went wrong to somehow deserve this treatment. But let me pass along some wisdom gleaned from a decade of writing this column: Sometimes, it's really not you. It's them. Sometimes, people are the worst.

You should move on and up and away from this petty cruelty.

Then you and I are going to band together. We will hunt down the person who came up with this "big girl panties" expression (I'm blaming Oprah), and we will do what we can to eradicate it from popular usage.

Dear Amy: I met my girlfriend through a club at school, and we clicked right away.

A few months in, she almost committed suicide, and I called the police to intervene.

Since then, I've been helping with her emotional baggage to keep her from returning to that option. Recently, she has gotten very mad, and we've had many arguments because I can't visit her often enough I can't use my mom's car consistently.

I've tried to ease the tension, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with my girlfriend's pestering and silent treatments, but I am scared that if I leave her, she will attempt suicide again. I'm losing sleep and becoming increasingly depressed. She asks for me to change, but refuses to do so herself. Scared and Guilty

Dear Scared: Your girlfriend has drawn you into a toxic and manipulative relationship. And now her depression and anxiety have been transferred to you.

You are not equipped to handle her emotional needs and threats of suicide. You have a lot of compassion toward her, but please understand deep in your bones that you are not responsible for her life she is. The best thing you could do would be to urge her to get professional help. You simply don't have the education and expertise to help her in a meaningful way.

You should reach out to her parents and also the counseling center at school. Share your fears about her. Suicidal impulses thrive on secrecy and silence the more open you are about this, the more likely she is to get help.

The next time she gives you the silent treatment, let her break up with you, and make sure other people close to her know what's going on so they can check on her.

You should see a counselor too. This is a pattern you'll want to recognize and avoid in the future.

Dear Amy: I want to echo others' responses to the comment by "Indian Man" that "American women are shallow." Tolerating casual misogyny is what leads to much worse behavior down the road. You should not have published this in your column. Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: I am most often accused of being anti-male. So at least I am an equal opportunity offender.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#2 Jun 21, 2014
LW1 - Oh, put on your big girl panties and get over it. They didn't invite you. They took a picture, put a lame-joke caption on it, and sent it to your e-mail. How in the world is this bullying? You are a freaking adult. You don't HAVE to interact with these people. You can block them from your e-mail.

It's mean-spirited if 7th graders don't invite one of their 7-grade frenimies to a slumber party but then send her pictures with "neh-neh-neh-neh-neh, we had fun, and you weren't invited!" When adults do it, it's just plain stupid, and other - smarter - adults ignore them.

LW2 - Yep, your GF is toxic and manipulative. She may be severely depressed and suicidal, but depressed people can still be awfully manipulative, especially if they are narcissists.(By the way, the narcissistic personality disorder often goes hand-in hand with depression). It's time you extricated yourself from this relationship. If you feel guilty, and that interferes with normal day-to-day functioning (and beating yourself up constantly IS that kind of interference), you may need help. Support of your family is important, and if it doesn't help, you may need some short-term therapy.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Jun 21, 2014
L1 Not everything is bullying. Overuse of the word diminishes its meaning when bullying actually occurred.

What was done was nasty but in no way coercive or threatening
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#4 Jun 21, 2014
LW1 and LW2 both need better friends.

Hasn't LW3 heard the replay of the 1969 Guess Who song enough times?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Jun 21, 2014
1 Oh, for the love of.... You are an imbecile, not an adult, now go pout and mollify yourself with ice cream.

2 All women are toxic and manipulative, get used to it kid.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Jun 21, 2014
3 You ARE anti-man. You suffer from penis hatred.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#7 Jun 21, 2014
RACE wrote:
2 All women are toxic and manipulative, get used to it kid.
Well, now, I wouldn't say that.

:)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 Jun 21, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Oh, for the love of.... You are an imbecile, not an adult, now go pout and mollify yourself with ice cream.
2 All women are toxic and manipulative, get used to it kid.
1. Hmmm. Which flavor did you have in mind?

2. I have heard rumors that most men like being manipulated... so to speak
liner

Brooklyn, NY

#9 Jun 21, 2014
L1: Big girl panties? Ok, then take them off!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Jun 21, 2014
LW1: Frenemies? What are you, 12? Put on your big girl panties. I send people pictures from vacation too. I guess I'm a bully. I guess way back in the dat, sending post cards made you a bully too. Idiot.

LW2: This is above your pay grade. Let her parents know, if they don't already, then slowy back away.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#11 Jun 21, 2014
LW1: Unless the caption was "Having a great time, glad you're not here!" I don't see the hostility or mean-spiritedness in sending a vacation pic. LW says s/he had no expectation of being invited, so I don't quite get why s/he is upset with the group. Without knowing what other things the group may have done to make LW feel slighted, I can't say if the group is exclusionary or LW is hypersensitive or some combination of both. I do think it would be in LW's best interest to spend time with some new and potentially better friends, however.

LW2: Girlfriend needs to see a psychiatrist who is trained to deal with depression and anxiety. Period.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#12 Jun 21, 2014
Well, to every rule, there is an exception.
boundary painter wrote:
<quoted text>
Well, now, I wouldn't say that.
:)

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Jun 21, 2014
get some shysco sex first.
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW2: This is above your pay grade. Let her parents know, if they don't already, then slowy back away.

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