“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Dec 23, 2012
DEAR ABBY: While searching for two of my husband's childhood friends, with his knowledge, I believe I may have found a child he doesn't know is his. I'm not positive that the child is his, but the time frame and location indicate that he could be, and there's a strong resemblance to my husband's brother.(I have seen photos on the Internet.)

I am curious whether my hunch is correct, but I'm afraid of asking the questions, not knowing how they would be received. My husband is a kind and caring person, a great husband and father. The child could have been conceived during a casual, one-night stand before we started dating.

I now wish I had never found this information because by not asking, I feel like I'm in denial, and by not saying anything to him, I feel like a terrible person. If the child is his, the mother has kept this from him for more than 10 years.

I'd really appreciate some input. What's the right thing to do?-- WONDERING IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR WONDERING: I see nothing to be gained by withholding this from your spouse. Tell your husband about your research, and what you think you may have turned up. Then ask if he is acquainted with the child's mother. The resemblance could be coincidental, or the child could have been fathered by another family member.

DEAR ABBY: One of my fond memories of my father when I was growing up was that he would always order my mom's meal when we were out for dinner. Of course, she decided what she wanted to eat, but when the waiter came, my dad would always say, "My wife would like the...." Now that I'm older and married, my husband does the same for me.

One couple we dine out with regularly gives me a difficult time about this "tradition." They make comments like, "Oh, Susan's not allowed to speak in a restaurant." The wife has also told me she thinks it's disrespectful to me when my husband orders my food. I have explained that it was a cherished memory of mine and not something forced on me. It's like when a man opens a door for a woman. I can definitely open the door myself, but I appreciate the sweet gesture.

I try to respect opinions that differ from my own, and I don't expect everyone to do as I do. Do you think I'm living in the Stone Age?-- SUSAN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SUSAN: No, I do not; you appear to be living quite happily in the present. While the tradition you and your husband are observing is "antiquated," you are hurting no one.

Please allow me to make an observation: When couples dine out together socially, they are supposed to relax, entertain each other and have a good time. Giving you "heartburn" regarding who orders your dinner is rude, particularly since this couple has done it more than once and has been given an explanation. From my perspective, you might enjoy your evenings out more if you shared them with this particular couple less often.
Cass

Upland, CA

#2 Dec 23, 2012
LW1 - Lemme see.... The child resembles your husband's brother and not particularly your husband, the mother never contacted your husband for child support or any kind of involvement, and the only "evidence" you have is that at some point in the past, your husband and the child's mother may - just may - have been in the same place at the same time. Wow. Definitely spring this on your husband. Your life together is just too peaceful. Why not turn it upside down and inside out just for fun? Rocking the boat is the way to go if you are bored.

Oh, and in case, it's not clear, I think Abby's advice is stupid. There is nothing to be gained from informing the husband either. Nothing positive, that is.

LW2 - Whatever floats your boat, but I'd want to wretch too if I saw a husband ordering the wife's food at a restaurant on a regular basis too. Whatever it feels like to you, to an outsider is looks and sounds like you are not allowed to speak to strangers in public. Still, your friends are rude to comment. If you already explained that you *like* your husband ordering your food, and they persist in making snark comments, please tell them to shut the f up next time.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#3 Dec 23, 2012
1- I'm gonna have to disagree with Cass and go with Abby's advice. Don't panic and get to the bottom of this. I believe if your husband (or brother) might have a child they are unaware of, they have every right to know.

2- I see nothing wrong with this tradition but don't engage in it myself.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#4 Dec 23, 2012
LW1: I'm with Cass. I've watched enough Maury shows to know that resemblance is not a foolproof indicator of who the babydaddy is.(I got bored when I was unemployed. Maury was my guilty pleasure...)

LW2: If you are happy with it, it is nobody else's business. Smile and change the subject.

Sam I Am

Chicago, IL

#5 Dec 23, 2012
1. This is up to the child's mother, not you. Now go finish wrapping presents.

2. Tell your stupid friends that, if they can't let this go, you'll be happy to dine without them. And tell the wife you think it is a shame that she is so insecure that a man demonstrating courtesy makes her anxious.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#6 Dec 24, 2012
Deciding what your wife will eat is entirely different than simply placing the order for her.
I have dated women who like me to place their order for them, and even a few who liked me to choose what it is they would have for dinner. Never a power play, they simply enjoyed letting the man handle those things. Kinda like changing a tire or pumping the gas. They simply trusted my judgement.
stinky pinky

Wellsboro, PA

#7 Dec 25, 2012
I used to purposely knock up women across the country and Canada to spread my superior genes. It is a thing I do since I travel a lot. I use fake names to scam women into having one of my kids, then when they are too far in to abort it I leave them. I work several women at once.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#8 Dec 25, 2012
Sock puppets cant get pregnant.

stinky pinky wrote:
I used to purposely knock up women across the country and Canada to spread my superior genes. It is a thing I do since I travel a lot. I use fake names to scam women into having one of my kids, then when they are too far in to abort it I leave them. I work several women at once.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#9 Dec 25, 2012
stinky pinky wrote:
I used to purposely knock up women across the country and Canada to spread my superior genes. It is a thing I do since I travel a lot. I use fake names to scam women into having one of my kids, then when they are too far in to abort it I leave them. I work several women at once.
I'm already carrying on your tradition, pal!

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