Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#21 Mar 20, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
No easy task when you see what a big mess my garage is. Crap every where. Junk that needs to go. Garage sale didn't work.
Lots of toys that need to go.
Now I"m reminded of when your dad comments on your messy garage!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#22 Mar 20, 2013
I can agree with Matilda and Tonka re: the grandma raising the kid.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#23 Mar 20, 2013
LW1: Oh, boy. Yes, what he did around you as a child was icky. I don't think it went as far as to be described as abuse, but whatever you decide to call it is meaningless - it made you feel bad. So stop trying to get some validation that this was abuse and concentrate on getting your life where you want it.

And anthropologically speaking, if adults did not initiate sex in front of the children when everyone lived in one cave or some other shared abode, there would be no humans. Clearly we don't live like that now, but my point is it is not the act itself that is inherently wrong. It's all about context.

LW2: Poor kid. You need some more substatial help than Abby can provide. There must be some agency that can help, short of calling DCF.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#24 Mar 20, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
Go find a better counselor.
What's wrong with the one she has?

The lw is asking if she was abused, her current counselor is trying to explain a different alternative. You and Abby seem to agree that this isn't the right way to deal with this. So again, do you think a "better" counselor should validate the LW's concerns?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#25 Mar 20, 2013
squishymama wrote:
but my point is it is not the act itself that is inherently wrong.
.
So... it's perfectly okay to have sex in front of your children?

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#26 Mar 20, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I get that, but then you call services and find a home for the child. A kid growing up in an environment where the caretaker/guardian is resentful will eventually make for ANOTHER screwed up adult.
Well, that's why she wrote to Abs. She's trying to figure out a way to function so it doesn't come to that. It sounds like she wants what's best for herself *and* the kid.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#27 Mar 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Now I"m reminded of when your dad comments on your messy garage!
HAH! My sister is bringing him up in a few weeks. When she told me that, my first thought was "Great. Now I'll have a weekend of hearing about whata mess my garage is and what bad shape my yard is in"

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#28 Mar 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
What's wrong with the one she has?
The lw is asking if she was abused, her current counselor is trying to explain a different alternative. You and Abby seem to agree that this isn't the right way to deal with this. So again, do you think a "better" counselor should validate the LW's concerns?
I have the same take. What's wrong with the current counselor. All of us seemed to agree that he was a dirty old many. Highly inappropriate. But did not abuse her. That is what her current counselor said. She is fishing for someone to say "yes, he abused you". Is a better counselor someone who will agree?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#29 Mar 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
So... it's perfectly okay to have sex in front of your children?
In many cultures, it is. Mom and dad and four kids live in a hut. What are mom and dad supposed to do? And our ancestors 5,000 years ago sure didn't have privacy.

Basically, it's a part of life. You look the other way, give them some sort of privacy by not staring or paying attention.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#30 Mar 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
So... it's perfectly okay to have sex in front of your children?
Did you not read what I wrote?

In american society, where most everyone has their own bedrooms, no it's not okay.

In societies where everyone shares a common sleeping area, then yes it would be okay. How else are babies supposed to be made?

Just because it's not what you grew up with does not make it inherently wrong.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#31 Mar 20, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>HAH! My sister is bringing him up in a few weeks. When she told me that, my first thought was "Great. Now I'll have a weekend of hearing about whata mess my garage is and what bad shape my yard is in"
Would your dad HELP you clean it out? My parents were like that. They wanted tasks to do while they visited. Put 'em to work, and they're happy.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#32 Mar 20, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I have the same take. What's wrong with the current counselor. All of us seemed to agree that he was a dirty old many. Highly inappropriate. But did not abuse her. That is what her current counselor said. She is fishing for someone to say "yes, he abused you". Is a better counselor someone who will agree?
I can agree wtih this.

Also, so the therapist finally says, "Yes, you were abused." Then what? Does that change anything? Is hearing the word from a respected expert supposed to validate her more or something?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#33 Mar 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Would your dad HELP you clean it out? My parents were like that. They wanted tasks to do while they visited. Put 'em to work, and they're happy.
That's what I was thinking too.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#34 Mar 20, 2013
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
Well, that's why she wrote to Abs. She's trying to figure out a way to function so it doesn't come to that. It sounds like she wants what's best for herself *and* the kid.
I hope so. That would be much better than what I was thinking.

I got from the tone (and that's totally subjective on my part) that she wants to know where to dump the kid. She's complaining how she lost a YOUNGER bf, etc. Whoa is me.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#35 Mar 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I can agree wtih this.
Also, so the therapist finally says, "Yes, you were abused." Then what? Does that change anything? Is hearing the word from a respected expert supposed to validate her more or something?
That's why I think she needs a new therapist or maybe she's not listening to the current one. Someone has to guide her away from emphasizing putting a name on what her childhood was and instead come to an understanding, acceptance and then finally moving on with her life.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#36 Mar 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
In many cultures, it is.
So it should be okay in our culture?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#37 Mar 20, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Did you not read what I wrote?
In american society, where most everyone has their own bedrooms, no it's not okay.
In societies where everyone shares a common sleeping area, then yes it would be okay. How else are babies supposed to be made?
Just because it's not what you grew up with does not make it inherently wrong.
I am not going to agree that it would be okay in a house with one bedroom, but not okay in a house with two. The number of bedrooms does not dictate the appropriateness of performing sex acts in front of children.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#38 Mar 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Would your dad HELP you clean it out? My parents were like that. They wanted tasks to do while they visited. Put 'em to work, and they're happy.
he come to visit with plans to do yardwork.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#39 Mar 20, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
1. Who cares what it is called? It was/is wildly inappropriate and obviously had a significant negative impact. Go find a better counselor.
I agree. LW was traumatized by her father's behavior no matter what label you put on it. LW should quit trying to define it and find a counselor who will help her heal and move forward.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#40 Mar 20, 2013
It's been done for thousands of years.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
So... it's perfectly okay to have sex in front of your children?

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