“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#1 Apr 10, 2014
DEAR AMY: My 18-year-old son and I were sharing a computer. I stumbled on his activity when he left it open. It was deeply disturbing to view the sites he had visited. Our 22-year-old daughter states, "It's no big deal, Mom. All the boys do it now."

This is not Playboy on steroids. It is shockingly graphic in real time.

How should we respond but simultaneously promote healthy sexuality and the notion of responsible erotica? How should parents respond to the tsunami of Internet pronography that our children discover, visit and revisit? It is readily discovered on any smartphone, laptop or desktop.

This could hijack young brains big time! I am liberal, but this is almost sickening that he might think this approaches normal sexual behavior. Help!

Concerned Parent

DEAR PARENT: According to a survey of 4,000 men and 4,000 women by Cosmopolitan magazine (probably a credible source, given this subject), more than 30 percent of men surveyed said they watched pron every day. Seventy-one percent of men ages 18-34 watch porn at least once a month. The first viewing of pronography typically happens in preadolescence.

Quoting a Time article on this subject, "Results show that women are from Venus and men are from whatever planet watches porn all the time."

Psychologists refer to one effect of hard-core porn on the consumer as "sexual script theory." The pronographic storyline replaces real-world sexual experience. Studies have concluded that obsessively viewing pron actually rewires the neural pathways of the brain, much like opiate drugs do.

And, like opiates, pron can be addictive. It can supplant -- or destroy -- real-world relationships. It can also (ironically) deaden, rather than enhance, a person's actual sexual relationships with real people.

Your job as parents is to do exactly what you are doing, which is to be aware and to question your son about his habits and behavior. His father (or another adult male) should talk to him about the difference between pronography and real-world sex (and love). Even though your daughter reports that this is "no big deal," I wonder if she has had experiences with men who consume pronography and if so how this might have affected her. Male consumption of pronography has a profound effect on how women are viewed, how sex is viewed and the expectations on them sexually.

As his mother, you should tell him exactly how you feel about this and that you expect him to make choices that are healthy.

DEAR AMY: I was disappointed in your answer to "Confused Partner," about excluding a sister-in-law from "sister weekends." This sort of exclusion is very painful, and these sisters should try to be more inclusive. If they try it and it doesn't work out, at least they could say they tried.
Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: The focus of my response was to encourage one sister to take responsibility for this and not blame the excluded in-law for the actions of this pack of sisters.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#2 Apr 10, 2014
LW1: It’s totally normal, prude. And asking Amy what she thinks about it is like asking a 70 year old virgin nun what she thinks about it.

And pointing out that “Male consumption of pronography has a profound effect on how women are viewed, how sex is viewed and the expectations on them sexually,” is only bad if you are into some really really weird pron (and even then, there’s probably a girl for you) or a prude like Amy and think sex is bad and naughty. Outside of that, just find a girl who is on the same page with you in terms of sex and what you like to do.

Men are allowed to have a different expectation of sex than some prude women or some dope like Amy. Who are these women who think they get to decide what we should and should not expect? When did the feminist movement become, men must put their balls in our purses and think just like the most prudish amongst feminists? There are all kinds of women who are into all kinds of stuff. Why is it the most rigid and prudish who think they get to speak for all women and shame men expecting something different than they would find appealing? Eff off.

Just because most men don’t think of the height of intimacy as acting like some fictional character from a romance novel who has long girl hair like Fabio, rides around on a horse wearing the Seinfeld puffy shirt, half unbuttoned, and who feeds his woman a bunch of cheesy lines, so she’ll reluctantly let him have missionary sex with her, provided he hurries up and gets it over with … so she can get to the good stuff … lots of post sex cuddling … doesn’t mean the man is defective or ruined by pornography, no more so than a woman who reads such cheesy romance novels is ruined by them.

There is nothing wrong with getting your freak on, and if the woman doesn’t like that, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with the man … it just means the two of you aren’t sexually compatible.

LW2: No. The SIL should stop whining about it. Sisters are allowed to do things alone. I’m not sure why anyone would want to go to some function that they are not wanted at and force themselves on others who don’t want them there.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#3 Apr 10, 2014
Glance into the future on LW1:
(a) She asked her husband to talk to the son about what he'd seen.
(b) She asked her daughter to talk to the son about what was on the computer--and the daughter gave him ideas on how "not to shock their
mother."
(c) She talked to her son alone and he agreed to look at a few medical/scientific websites with her to see what those actions he had viewed could do to people who try that in real life.
(d) She was too embarrassed to talk to him and his girlfriend sweetly
told LW1 that she would" take care of the problem for her."
or
(e) other

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Apr 10, 2014
1 Team Sublime
2 Girl stuff....

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#5 Apr 10, 2014
1. He's probably going to be a pervert if you don't stop him looking at that disgusting stuff. lol

2. Quit whining. She's a sil NOT a sister.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Apr 10, 2014
LW1: What Sub said. Just make sure that the boy knows that most pron is pure fantasy and that real-life sex is not nearly as sexy.

LW2: If we take the SIL with us, will you stop this stupid rehash?

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#8 Apr 10, 2014
Oh, don't you wish LW1 had written to Hax or Dan Savage instead?

Look, your young ADULT son's problem is not that he looks at pron -- his problem is that he has the bad manners to leave evidence on a SHARED computer (Dude! Incognito Window!!!) That's just plain inconsiderate, since your fantasy life is really NONE of your Mom's (or anyone else's) business!

According to Dan:
Most men look at pron. So so many women. More should.
All men master bait (will that get through the censorbot?) So do most women. All should.

And if "Pron changes the neural pathways" was actually true -- those "Pray Away The Gay" camps would work. They don't.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Apr 10, 2014
squishymama wrote:
real-life sex is not nearly as sexy.
I think it's way better.

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