“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Oct 20, 2013
DEAR AMY: About two months ago I found out that I was four months pregnant. The telltale signs were not there. I wasn’t sick. In fact, I was losing weight and thought it was because I was stressed. My boyfriend had cheated on me and broke up with me before I learned I was pregnant.
When I found out, I immediately called him, and his response was,“I cannot support this. I will not support this. You need to take care of this.” I was completely thrown by his reaction. I am 34 and successful. He is 37 and has a 5-year-old son (from his previous marriage) that he is amazing with.

I am sure he thought I was lying or that I wanted to get back together with him, both of which are false.

After I spoke with my family and decided to keep the baby, I told him. Then I asked him when he was going to tell his family. He said,“Never. It’s none of their business.”

I can understand that he is upset and nervous. This is not the ideal situation for either of us. Should I reach out to his mother to let her know she will be having another grandchild and give her the chance to make up her mind about whether she wants to be in this child’s life? Or should I just walk away?-- Confused With Child

DEAR CONFUSED: Your ex’s mother should be made aware that she will have another grandchild, but, ideally, her son would break this news. Tell him,“I think your mom should be told about this. Do you want to talk to her, or should I?”

This is a tough situation. But it is what it is, and time has an amazing way of knitting together solutions, as long as everybody stays calm and resolves to be as gentle and patient as possible.

Your ex obviously feels trapped. He is also obviously fertile. I hope he figures out a more reliable birth control method because he seems not to want to have (more) children, and now he has two.

DEAR AMY: My niece and her husband announced the birth of their new son. His first name is the same as mine.(It is a common name.)

My siblings are telling me what an honor it is that the baby was named after me. I wholeheartedly agree that it is an honor. However, I do not know the reason behind this name selection.

I did not have any conversation with my niece or nephew-in-law about this, so I don’t have any insight into their reasoning. So unless they share with me how they came to selecting their son’s name, I feel it is inappropriate and presumptuous of me to think that they named their son after me.

My siblings think it was obvious that the baby was named after me, and I should just say “thank you” and not be so modest.

I will soon see the new baby, and, unless I’m told otherwise by the new parents, my plan is to not assume the child was named after me. Do you think another approach might be better?-- Bob

DEAR BOB: I agree with your take on this. Unless these parents say they have named their child after you, then you should simply assume that the world has gained another Bob (and, speaking for the planet, we couldn’t be happier).

When people who are not in the know foist their assumptions on you, just say,“Well, it’s a pretty common name. I’m very happy to share it with the next generation.”

DEAR AMY: I was interested to read the letter from “Worried Husband,” whose wife was going on sleep-eating binges while taking the sleeping drug Ambien. I had a similar experience while on Ambien and am now using a homeopathic remedy. I sleep like a baby.-- Well Rested

DEAR RESTED: As a longtime insomniac, I can honestly say that I sleep like a baby too.

Every two hours I wake up and cry.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#2 Oct 20, 2013
L1: Agree with Amy. He needs to be clipped.

L2: Amy is right. Don't assume that you were specifically honored by the naming unless you're told that. They just liked the name and that should be your response to people who think otherwise.

L3: Please share the remedy.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#3 Oct 20, 2013
LW1 - Okay, the guy needs to be clipped, but HE didn't ask for advice. The woman did. First, I am kind of curious about the "telltale signs" that weren't there. Morning sickness and weight gain are *not* the telltale signs of pregnancy. The cessation of the menses is. How can you not notice or notice and not be concerned that your period has stopped for 4 months when you are 34?

Anyway, yeah, tell the future grandma, but leave the ball in her court. If she doesn't want contact, walk away. If I were you, I wouldn't even seek child support from the guy. He already said he cannot and will not support "this" ("this" being his child???), so why give yourself extra heartache?

LW2 - Don't assume anything, especially if the name is common. Every time I visit my ils in New England, I am amazed how many Haileys there are out there - with different spelling permutations. It seems like every third female between the ages of 0 and 25 is named Hailey, Haileigh, Heiley, Haighley, Hailee, etc. etc. etc.- all pronounced the same way. Maybe they are all named one after another, and maybe their parents completely lack imagination.

LW3 - Valerian root. Camomile. Kava-kava, if you don't mind the possibility of having bizarrely intense and dramatic dreams.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#4 Oct 20, 2013
If LW1 wants to arrange an adoption, that is her choice. If she chooses to keep and raise the child, she may face a fight from this male in trying to collect child support.

LW2 may as well quietly smile that this child shares his name.

Team Cass for LW3.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#5 Oct 20, 2013
LW1: You are in a tough spot. You have decided to keep this child, so I assume that you are both emotionally and financially able to welcome this child into your life despite the appalling lack of support from your co-parent. I would not waste any further time or energy on him. The child's grandmother may or may not want to be in this child's life, but she should make that choice, not your ex.

LW2: You are wise not to make assumptions. Just be your normal, gracious self and make a fuss over the new little one.

LW3: I hope she has given up the Ambien in favor of something that produces fewer side effects.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#6 Oct 20, 2013
And I'm not convinced that LW1 is showing us all
the cards in her letter. She may say she will raise the child at this point--but when she sees that the "father" will not give her any money, she
may or may not choose to let someone else raise the
child.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#7 Oct 20, 2013
1: Never have sex with anyone you're not ready to have a child with.
The guy is a tool but she had unprotected sex with a tool. Don't give me the [birth control isn't 100% effective] crap. It's like 98-99 when used CORRECTLY and all the unplanned pregnancies are not the 2%!

I cannot imagine someone creating a person and wanting nothing to do with it. Take care of "this," as if his child is a blot.

2: Non-issue. The most mature and sane LW in a long time.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#8 Oct 21, 2013
Team Chel.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#9 Oct 23, 2013
boundary painter wrote:
And I'm not convinced that LW1 is showing us all
the cards in her letter. She may say she will raise the child at this point--but when she sees that the "father" will not give her any money, she may or may not choose to let someone else raise the
child.


I get the feeling she just wants to milk the guy's mother for money, too. That poor baby seems stuck with her.

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