Ask Amy 5-3-14

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 May 3, 2014
Dear Amy: I was married to an abuser for 23 years. The marriage ended when he died. I felt relief and freedom for the first time in my adult life.

In the seven years since his death, I have dated nine guys. I have been with my current guy for almost two years. We love each other, but he has a temper.

He gets irritated very easily and will blow up verbally about whatever is bothering him. His outbursts are short-lived and involve cursing.

His anger has never been directed at me, and he has never shown any signs of being abusive.

He is wonderful in every other aspect, but when he is cursing out whatever the issue is, his yelling scares me. My fear is deep-seated, and I can't seem to get rid of it.

He knows he scares me and is profoundly sorry after an outburst. During an outburst, he will even walk away so that we are at opposite ends of wherever we are, but it doesn't help.

I don't know if there is anything to do to help, short of getting a 60-year-old man to change a behavior that he has had his whole life.

Do you have suggestions? Startled

Dear Startled: You imply that a 60-year-old man isn't capable of changing a behavior he has had his whole life.

And yet, you also say that your guy will walk away from you when he is having an outburst, out of sensitivity to you. That indicates an awareness of what he is doing. Is it also a change in his behavior? If so, give him credit for this.

Talk about this during a time when he is calm. Thank him for working on his lifetime habit, and ask him if he can realistically do more to modulate his outbursts.

You also have work to do. You have to sincerely ask yourself if it is healthy for you to be in a serious relationship with someone who has a hair-trigger temper.

Dear Amy: I'm in my late 20s and live in a large urban area.

My parents live around 40 miles away; they are baby boomers in good health.

I try to visit them for a weekend once every month (or every six weeks), and we talk on the phone at least once a week and occasionally text or email in addition to that.

I am happy with our level of communication, but my parents think I should visit more often, even though it takes one to two hours to get to their house from mine (depending on traffic).

I work full time, am pursuing a graduate degree, volunteer six hours a week and have an active social life.

I feel that my parents are demanding too much to want me to spend more than one weekend a month with them, given my current commitments.

Amy, how much time is normal to spend visiting parents at my age?

Am I an ingrate, or are they helicoptering? They only recently became empty nesters when my sibling moved out. I would appreciate your advice. Adult Child

Dear Adult: Your contact with your parents seems normal to me although there is a very wide range of what families consider normal.

The important thing is what you want to do. Your folks are communicating what they want, and if you want less, you are going to have to tolerate their disappointment.

You should assume that their nest feels extra-empty now and that they will adjust to this over time. Invite them to trek into the city to visit you, and also encourage them to develop activities on their own.

Dear Amy: I could not believe your response to "Wondering," who said she maintains a text-based daily friendship with a man even though she is married.

If I were her husband, I would feel betrayed and furious. This is cheating on the marriage. I cannot believe you didn't address this in your response. Furious With You

Dear Furious: There were several unanswered questions in this letter, including why "Wondering" was pursuing this relationship in the first place, as well as whether the husband knew about it. That's why I chose not to address that aspect of the letter.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#2 May 3, 2014
Doesn't LW2 have any siblings or other relatives that those parents can
spend time on,(since studies do require a lot of time and research)?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 May 3, 2014
LW1: It would be helpful if you included some friggin examples. Instead we're left wondering if he really does get out of control or if you're just overly sensitive after the abuse you lived with.

LW2: Tell your parents if they want to see more of you, they can come visit you. If they are not willing to do that, then seeing you more often is not as important as they make it seem. I see my parents a few times a year, and the frequency actually increased after I had kids. For me, I think once a month is way too often.

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