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Since: Jan 10

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#1 Apr 18, 2013
DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been married for almost five years. The last few months have been hard. It has become pretty clear that both of us are unhappy. It seems that most of our arguments are based on a combination of relationship boredom and feeling taken for granted. We’ve agreed to work on these problems and make a go of making the marriage successful.

Now comes a new problem. I just found out that, despite taking my pill regularly as prescribed, I am pregnant. I haven’t told him yet. Although the pregnancy is unplanned, I’m actually really happy. However, as long as we have been together, he has said he doesn’t want kids. Well, a baby is coming, and I’m not sure how to break the news on top of all our other concerns.-- Nervous

DEAR NERVOUS: The way to have a difficult talk is to prepare yourself as well as you can — and then plunge in. You make a plan, rehearse your side of the conversation, set up a quiet time (don’t bring this up in the middle of an argument or an unrelated conversation) and start by saying,“I have something important to talk to you about.”

Do your best not to anticipate any specific reaction from your husband. You can assume that this will shock him. Give him time, and don’t pressure him to express any particular point of view right away.

You both could benefit from professional counseling to learn how to communicate about this and other matters relating to your relationship. This may be a deal-breaker for your husband, but you won’t know until he has time to think and make a considered response.

DEAR AMY: On April Fools’ Day, with my knowledge and consent, my boyfriend of five years posted on Facebook a picture of a beautiful engagement ring with the caption “What happens after a lovely Easter dinner...”

This is a joke because we have declared we would never remarry (we are both divorced). Many took the bait — followed half a day later by the news that it was an April Fools’ prank. I didn’t share this on my own Facebook page because I didn’t want my 12-year-old daughter to see it and be upset by it.

Now I’m not enjoying the joke very much. I didn’t really like the idea of joking about something as big as that, but he seemed really jazzed about it, and I thought I would be overly sensitive if I objected.(He wouldn’t have done it if I had objected.)

I’m upset at myself for not voicing my feelings but also upset that he’d think this kind of thing would be a real hoot. This comes on the heels of a big disagreement we had a couple of days before about a jealousy issue. Am I being a big baby?-- Facebooked

DEAR FACEBOOKED: You agreed to this tasteless prank (to me, it seems especially unfunny to pull friends and family into a false engagement rumor), and now you are paying for your foolishness. Not sharing it on your own Facebook page shows sensitivity toward your daughter, but it also reveals some naivete about Facebook; surely this engagement news/hilarious joke could have reached her eventually by other channels.

You both suffered from a humor deficit and lack of judgment. When you discuss it with your guy, you should start the conversation by saying,“I want you to know that I take equal responsibility for this prank, but now I really regret it.” It is entirely possible that he, too, is having second thoughts.

DEAR AMY:“Checked Out” reported her disappointment that her husband was so emotionally removed from their young family.

This wife reported a glaring issue that you did not mention in your answer: her husband’s regular use of marijuana. I believe this is the reason he is “checked out,” and this needs to stop.-- Regular Reader

DEAR READER: Many others mentioned this, but the wife was already urging her husband to stop marijuana; her question was whether she should continue to try. I encouraged her to make the effort.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Apr 18, 2013
L1: YOu can sell a healthy white baby for at least $50K. THINK, woman!

L2: I think it bothers you because his "Joke" makes it pretty clear that he will never marry you, and this bothers you (and that surprises you).

L3: The marijewahna is a red herring. He could have been wrapped up in video games, online porn, whatever. It's that he was choosing *something* insignificant over spending time with his family.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Apr 18, 2013
Team Red.
Love how LW2 is trying to paint the BF in a worse light than herself. No ring coupled with her Jealousy guarantees future letters.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Apr 18, 2013
RACE wrote:
Team Red.
Love how LW2 is trying to paint the BF in a worse light than herself. No ring coupled with her Jealousy guarantees future letters.
L2: ITA.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#5 Apr 18, 2013
LW2 - People are allowed to change their minds. You have said that you would never marry, but when you saw that ring and thought about its significance, you started having second thoughts about what kind of future you want with your boyfriend.

Move past the April Fools' Joke, which you admit that you fully participated in. Have a talk with your boyfriend about what's on your mind regarding your plans together.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Apr 18, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW2 - People are allowed to change their minds. You have said that you would never marry, but when you saw that ring and thought about its significance, you started having second thoughts about what kind of future you want with your boyfriend.
Move past the April Fools' Joke, which you admit that you fully participated in. Have a talk with your boyfriend about what's on your mind regarding your plans together.
Good advice.

I'm looking forward to the day when marriage proposals come from the woman half the time.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#7 Apr 18, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Good advice.
I'm looking forward to the day when marriage proposals come from the woman half the time.
You know what makes me nervous? The stupid prom invites that are popular now. Kids feel the need to go over the top and outdo each other. They are like mini-versions of marriage proposals. When people do actually get engaged, it will either be anti-climactic or ridiculously gauche.

Prom was so low-key when I was in high school. I bought my dress at JCPenney off the sale rack. The NJ proms are out of control. My younger SIL had her gown made for $400. Who knows what they will be like when my boys are in high school.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#8 Apr 18, 2013
But, does she really want to go that route, or is she just feeling slighted because she thinks "they" are making a mockery out of their relationship by posting the joke? and now she is feeling guilty about the whole thing?

(just playing devils advocate)
ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW2 - People are allowed to change their minds. You have said that you would never marry, but when you saw that ring and thought about its significance, you started having second thoughts about what kind of future you want with your boyfriend.
Move past the April Fools' Joke, which you admit that you fully participated in. Have a talk with your boyfriend about what's on your mind regarding your plans together.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Apr 18, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
You know what makes me nervous? The stupid prom invites that are popular now. Kids feel the need to go over the top and outdo each other. They are like mini-versions of marriage proposals. When people do actually get engaged, it will either be anti-climactic or ridiculously gauche.
Prom was so low-key when I was in high school. I bought my dress at JCPenney off the sale rack. The NJ proms are out of control. My younger SIL had her gown made for $400. Who knows what they will be like when my boys are in high school.
My mom's limit for a prom dress was $100 (and even that was generous, given that it was 1985). Most of my friends had similar limits. That was our junior year. The next year, we all got together and decided it was dumb to spend so much money on a dress we'd wear once, so we all swapped dresses. I ended up going to three proms in two years, but only bought one dress.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Apr 18, 2013
Jess, I wonder how "special" a stretch limo would be for your wedding if you already had one for prom (once or twice), formal dance in college, etc. I just don't see the need to ramp stuff up before adulthood.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#11 Apr 18, 2013
RACE wrote:
<quoted text>But, does she really want to go that route, or is she just feeling slighted because she thinks "they" are making a mockery out of their relationship by posting the joke? and now she is feeling guilty about the whole thing?

(just playing devils advocate)
If her feelings about the relationship haven't changed, then I would think she would have moved past it by now - or at least not be so upset that she felt the need to write to such a sage advice columnist for help.

She didn't post anything on her page, so she's not feeling guilty about duping her friends and family. That's how I'm reading it, at least.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#12 Apr 18, 2013
L1. This is not something to be rehearsed.
I say improvise instead.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#13 Apr 18, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Jess, I wonder how "special" a stretch limo would be for your wedding if you already had one for prom (once or twice), formal dance in college, etc. I just don't see the need to ramp stuff up before adulthood.
Exactly!

I feel the same way about "graduations", too. E's school just sent a note that yearbooks are available for sale this year. He is 4. They will have pictures with caps and gowns in the books. Ugh.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#14 Apr 18, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Jess, I wonder how "special" a stretch limo would be for your wedding if you already had one for prom (once or twice), formal dance in college, etc. I just don't see the need to ramp stuff up before adulthood.
That's the *only* time I've been in a limo--senior prom. It was actually just practical. The cost divided by 10 people was reasonable, and we went all over the south suburbs and then up to Navy Pier.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#15 Apr 18, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
Exactly!
I feel the same way about "graduations", too. E's school just sent a note that yearbooks are available for sale this year. He is 4. They will have pictures with caps and gowns in the books. Ugh.
Are junior high graduations a "thing" where everybody lives? They're not here, but they are where I grew up. I didn't have a party or anything, but we had a ceremony. My dress was early 90s hideous.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#16 Apr 18, 2013
No flipping way! The kid wont remember anybody in that book from that time. Even if they wind up being best buddies later.
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
Exactly!
I feel the same way about "graduations", too. E's school just sent a note that yearbooks are available for sale this year. He is 4. They will have pictures with caps and gowns in the books. Ugh.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#17 Apr 18, 2013
I bet you were so smoking hot, you could have worn a drape and made it sexy.
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
Are junior high graduations a "thing" where everybody lives? They're not here, but they are where I grew up. I didn't have a party or anything, but we had a ceremony. My dress was early 90s hideous.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#18 Apr 18, 2013
LW1: Yeah, you're just going to have to go into this coversation with an open mind and heart and wing it.

LW2 & 3: What Ang said. Thanks for making it so easy for me today.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#19 Apr 18, 2013
OH, BTW ScarletandOlive...
Are you Hot?

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#20 Apr 18, 2013
RACE wrote:
I bet you were so smoking hot, you could have worn a drape and made it sexy.
<quoted text>
If by "smoking hot" you mean "terribly awkward", then yes!

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