Ask Amy 11-23

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#1 Nov 23, 2012
DEAR AMY: My wife says she wants “some space” to decide whether to stay in this marriage. She pawned her wedding rings. She said she would get the rings back but hasn’t done so yet. I have information that she is seeing another man (at least she is making plans for this on Facebook), and I believe that they have hooked up in the past — before we separated.

She has yet to tell me that our marriage is over. All she says is that she doesn’t know. She says she knows she loves me but is no longer in love or emotionally connected to me. My heart tells me to stay until she says it’s over, but my head is telling me to cut my losses while I can.

We have young kids, so that makes it difficult. What should I do?-- Hurting Husband

DEAR HURTING: How do you know when your marriage might be over? When your wife hooks up with another man and brazenly posts her plans on Facebook. When your wife tells you she is no longer in love or emotionally connected to you. When your wife pawns her wedding rings and makes no plans to retrieve them.

It gives me no pleasure to tell you that your marriage is over, but your wife has already demonstrated this. Don’t wait for her to officially lower the boom. Take back some of your own power. See a lawyer. Take care of your kids. Spend whatever emotional reserves you have left on them. They’re going to need a steady, stable dad.

DEAR AMY: My brother and his wife have two married sons. Both are well educated and successful. Both sons have babies, and more are planned.

My brother and his wife want to be more involved in the lives of their grandchildren. They live relatively close to each of their sons. Both sons are married to dominating professional women — this is how these women have described themselves.

The sons rely on their wives to make all the family plans and inform their parents (usually at the last moment) about visits. The maternal grandparents are welcomed freely. The sons have accepted their submissive roles in their corresponding families. Having restricted access causes my brother and his wife stress and anxiety.

My sister-in-law is recovering from cancer. I have suggested to her that she ask her sons not to leave it to their wives to make all the choices about their families. They do not want to alienate the young mothers for fear of retaliation.

As a retired military officer who is accustomed to making decisions and facing confrontations directly, I welcome your sage advice.-- Pensive Brother

DEAR PENSIVE: As a decisive and take-charge kind of guy, it must drive you crazy to see these grandparents get the short end of the stick from their sons.

But, here’s the rub. These sons are also dads, and unless they step up and assert their own wishes, their wives will be calling the shots concerning their children for the rest of their childhood.

This might translate into a dad strapping his baby into a Snugli on a Saturday morning and saying to his wife,“You know what? I’d like to take the baby to see my folks. Do you want to come, or do you want to sleep in today?”

The fact is that many young moms do end up running the family show. And this is partly because their own anxieties, insecurities and need to control make them bossy. It’s also partly because their husbands can’t figure out how to assert themselves successfully into the whirling power vortex that is a young, working mom.

Your brother and his wife should speak with the adults involved here and say,“We’d like to be much more involved. How can we help make that happen?”

DEAR AMY: Furthering the discussion of when to stop giving gifts to grandchildren, when my grandkids turn 21 they get a card from me saying,“This is an adult card. All it contains is my love. Love, Grandma.”-- Grandma

DEAR GRANDMA: Well done!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Nov 23, 2012
L1: I think Amy gave good advice here. I like that she told him to take back his power and start being proactive.

L2: This really is none of your business. YOu get to have an opinion and you get to be worried, but you don't get to dictate to another family what their dynamic should be. I also find it very difficult to believe that both DILs referred to themselves as "domineering." What you're failing to recognize is that both of your nephews have chosen to go this route. What's this say about how they were raised/what the dynamic is of their own parents?

L3: So you just stop giving gifts to a relative you love because they hit a certain age? What the hell is wrong with you?


“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#3 Nov 23, 2012
L1: This guy is clueless. Yes, Amy is right. I wonder if the guy has a spine to do it. I hope so.

L2: How do you know whether the guys don't "step up and assert their own wishes"? Sounds to me like they have busy lives and they need to call ahead of time and schedule a time they can have the children. With a grandmother with cancer they may not want to intrude too much -- how knows? It bothers me that this guy is blaming everything on the wives -- both of them. Something is just not right in his description.

L3: Goody for you if that's what you want to do. A present is a gift, not something that is required. I would feel that you were rather condescending if I received a card like that. That's rude -- you are basically saying they expected a gift. I give my adult nephews and nieces small gifts and they look forward to it. It's not something they cannot buy themselves but a small gift to tell them they are in my thoughts. I'm not required to do it. I like to do it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#4 Nov 23, 2012
1- Wake up and smell the single life, you stupid pansy.


“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#5 Nov 23, 2012
1: Divorce.



Salinas, CA

#6 Nov 23, 2012
LW1: This must be painful for you but Amy is right. Your wife is being very passive-aggressive among other things. The sooner that you put an end to this, the better for your emotional well-being. Get some counseling for yourself along with a good attorney.

LW2: If your brother and his wife want to be more involved, they should call and make their wishes known. You'd think that "young, working moms" would appreciate all of the grandparental help they could get.

LW3: Ugh. "Love you, Grandma" without the adult card reference would be much better.

Palm Harbor, FL

#7 Nov 23, 2012
LW1: You are in denial. Big time denial. Would you want to be with a woman who pawned her wedding and engagement ring anyway? Thats just aweful. Grow a spine and start the process for divorce.

Plant City, FL

#8 Nov 23, 2012
1: Not only has she abandoned you and the marriage, she's flaunting things and keeping you dangling on an emotional string: a kind of women with a special type of black evil inside her.

2: Ask your bro how we raised two pansies? Or look at bro's wife for the answer....

3: I would ban all gifts forever, but that's just me. I hate how they have become.

Chicago, IL

#9 Nov 23, 2012
LW1: OMG. A snail has a bigger brain than you.

LW2: Your brother and his wife apparently raised 2 passive wimps. Butt the F out.

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