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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Nov 4, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am currently living with a roommate. We've lived together for eight months now, and I'm not happy with how things have turned out. We get along really well. It's just that now I am paying all the bills -- rent, groceries, gas, etc.

I feel like I'm being used for my money and to support her and her 1-year-old daughter. This is stressful.

I just got her a new job, working for the same company I work for but at a different location. Still, I feel like I'm going to end up taking care of the bills once again and I can't do it anymore.

I don't have the money to help her out anymore. I'd feel bad if I moved out because she wouldn't have any place to go. She could go to her mom's house but they don't get along very well.

I feel pressured to stay here because I am the kind of person that likes to put others before myself but I know it's time to take care of me now. I just don't know what to do. My grandmother and my mother both told me that I need to get out of this situation, but what do you think I should do?-- Stressed Roommate

DEAR STRESSED: The most logical answer is for you to treat your friend like a grown-up, while also respecting yourself more.

It sounds like you have been a real hero here. Single moms with young children need all the love, support and friendship they can get -- but you cannot do it all for your friend. You simply must take care of yourself.

If you respond to this pressure by moving out, your friend will pack up and move on and find someone else to pay the bills. This will not be good for her, or her daughter -- or for you.

She is working now (thanks to you), so you two should sit down together and split the bills fairly. If she can put some bills in her name (utilities, for instance), she will be responsible for paying them on time -- and will build up good credit by doing so. Succeeding at this will be good for both of you. If she cannot agree to reasonable terms (and keep them), then you should definitely move on.

DEAR AMY: My daughter, who's in her late 20s, is planning to go to Europe alone.

She plans to meet up and stay with a tour operator she met on a recent one-week European cruise that she took with her brother. No danger signals were noted (or heeded) at that time.

My wife and I are concerned that it is unseemly and unladylike to stay a week with a new friend (who is basically a stranger) of the opposite sex. We also feel this could turn out badly if the person is a front for sex-trafficking groups.

Can you help us to persuade her that this is a terrible idea?-- Dad

DEAR DAD: I can't come up with arguments for you to use in trying to control a grown woman -- especially those having to do with what is (or isn't) "ladylike."

Yes, this tour operator could be a front for sex-trafficking groups. He could also be a cheat, a player, a loser -- or merely French. He could also turn out to be a nice guy.

I agree that it is not a good idea to stay with someone for a week whom you don't know well (a week can be very long if you find you're with someone you don't actually like very much). You should ask her to check in personally with you (through Skype or email from her personal address) and suggest that she arrange an alternate place to stay if she finds she doesn't enjoy being with this person.

DEAR AMY: Excellent response concerning the new baby that may (or may not) be named after another family member. At a family event someone mentioned how nice it was that my niece "Mary" had my middle name. My brother looked at me and said, "That's your middle name?"

Ouch.-- Mary

DEAR MARY: Ouch is right.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Nov 4, 2013
1 Hey doormat! Forget what amy says, she is using you. Get out as soon as you can cut your lease and have the utilities turned off.

2 Late 20's is not the age sex traffickers are looking for. She is just looking for a an adventure, quit being jealous.

3 HA!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#3 Nov 4, 2013
2- Has it occurred to you that perhaps she WANTS to be in the sex trafficking industry?
pde

Palatine, IL

#4 Nov 4, 2013
Lw2: I think your 20-something daughter's mistake was telling you her plans. Yeah, I'll tell my parents I am going over to Europe (my youngest sister who lives in DC and does weekend deals doesn't even do that). But I don't tell them my itinerary.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Nov 4, 2013
L1: Oh please, you're a doormat disguising herself as a hero (nice job, Amy).

L2: Unladylike? BARF. Leave her alone. And I highly doubt that she's going to be targeted for sex trafficking. At her age, she's over the hill. I was solicited at age 20 (I was clueless as to what was going on), in Taipei, Taiwan, by a Mexican gang leader. Older guy in the hostel kicked out the Mexican and explained what I didn't get. It makes for a good story at parties.

Also, newsflash: Your daughter and this guy already had sex on the cruise.

L3: I think it's odd that siblings wouldn't know their siblings' middle names.
pde

Palatine, IL

#6 Nov 4, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: I think it's odd that siblings wouldn't know their siblings' middle names.
I think it depends on how important middle names are in your family.

I'd be hard-pressed to come up with all my siblings' middle names. In fact, thinking on it, I only remember the two completely uncreative ones. One sister and one brother have the same middle name: the sister with the female spelling, and the brother with the male spelling.
cjzag

San Jose, CA

#7 Nov 4, 2013
I agree with everything Race said!!!

My only sibling didn't have a middle name and I pretty much despise mine - my niece uses it to tease me!! And she doesn't have a middle name either.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Nov 4, 2013
LW1: Must be nice to not have a lease, since that would be the only way you could just up and leave whenever you felt like it. But since I doubt that is the case, until you can leave and since your roomy is now employed, insist that she pay her fair share of the rent/utilities. Explain that you understand it's hard to be a single mom with an infant, but you are not a charity and need help with the bills.

LW2: Wow, who knew helicopter parenting extended well into the child's 20s. The daily check-in is about as much as you can expect to get.

LW3: My kids know their sib's middle names. It seems to be a big deal to them.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 Nov 4, 2013
I love how we seem to attract only the brightest...
cjzag wrote:
I agree with everything Race said!!!
My only sibling didn't have a middle name and I pretty much despise mine - my niece uses it to tease me!! And she doesn't have a middle name either.
liner

Brooklyn, NY

#10 Nov 4, 2013
L1: Pack up and leave. Soon. Tomorrow even.
L2: I agree that this doesn't seem like a very good idea, but she's an adult. My daughter came up with a few hairbrained ideas in her time, but after explaining why I thought the way I did, she usually saw the light. Usually.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Nov 4, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Must be nice to not have a lease, since that would be the only way you could just up and leave whenever you felt like it. But since I doubt that is the case, until you can leave and since your roomy is now employed, insist that she pay her fair share of the rent/utilities. Explain that you understand it's hard to be a single mom with an infant, but you are not a charity and need help with the bills.
LW2: Wow, who knew helicopter parenting extended well into the child's 20s. The daily check-in is about as much as you can expect to get.
LW3: My kids know their sib's middle names. It seems to be a big deal to them.
L1 I agree that the ability to get up and walk away depnds on the lease.

What is your take- i this a guy or a girl writing?

One year olds are not quiet roommates either- that is still diaper stage and more to the point day care/babysittng expenses. That is not on LW's radar. Neither is the baby's father.

L2 My brother and SIL remain helicopter parents. My niece is 27 and my nephew is 24. My nephew will survive it, my niece is a helpless wuss.

L3 Nasty, but I a kind of surprised someone didn't say something wen the baby was born.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#12 Nov 4, 2013
LW1: No one can take advantage of you without your permission. You don't mention any problems other than financial, so first you need to ask her to step up and contribute. First of all, ask her to pay for her own groceries and half of the rent. Tell her that if she cannot do that, she needs to find another living situation ASAP. Next, tell her that three months from now, you will also expect her to step up and pay half of the utility bills. Be kind, but firm and follow through.

LW2: Two years ago, I went to Hawaii with two (female) friends that I didn't know very well. We had a GREAT time! I'm guessing that LW's daughter will, too. LW appears to be worried about what small-minded people might think.

LW3: Rehash. Assume that they chose the baby's name because they like it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#13 Nov 4, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Must be nice to not have a lease, since that would be the only way you could just up and leave whenever you felt like it. But since I doubt that is the case, until you can leave and since your roomy is now employed, insist that she pay her fair share of the rent/utilities.
She doesn't say that the roommate is employed. I'm thinking not since she isn't helping out with the bills.
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#14 Nov 4, 2013
1. She can go back and live with her mom. A lesson in the importance of thinking before uncrossing your legs.
2. Goodness, she is almost 30. People her age are sex trafficers.
3. Listen Ann (or Jane or Beth), there are a million people with your name out there. Don't be overly flattered over the middle name Mary's parents chose.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#15 Nov 4, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
She doesn't say that the roommate is employed. I'm thinking not since she isn't helping out with the bills.
Try again.

From the letter: "I just got her a new job, working for the same company I work for but at a different location."

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#16 Nov 4, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
L1 I agree that the ability to get up and walk away depnds on the lease.
What is your take- i this a guy or a girl writing?
One year olds are not quiet roommates either- that is still diaper stage and more to the point day care/babysittng expenses. That is not on LW's radar. Neither is the baby's father.
Because the child does not seem to be an issue with the LW, I'm guessing it's a woman.

I was also wondering about the childcare. That sh!t is expensive.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#17 Nov 4, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Try again.
From the letter: "I just got her a new job, working for the same company I work for but at a different location."
I missed the "her" part. I thought the lw had gotten a new job.

Two of the people living with me haven't paid me a dime all month. And neither of them are working, and they don't seem to being trying too hard to find a job.

I'm gonna have a chat with them today and tell them to either pay up, or be out by the end of the month. Since they don't have jobs, the latter is probably more likely. Hey, I ain't running a charity.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Nov 4, 2013
I also think the phrasing is key. Got her a "new job," not "a job." that implies to me that she had a job, but this one is better. Or just different.

And this LW is such a doormat, it makes sense that she'd allow an employed roommate to mooch of her for this long.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#19 Nov 4, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I missed the "her" part. I thought the lw had gotten a new job.
Two of the people living with me haven't paid me a dime all month. And neither of them are working, and they don't seem to being trying too hard to find a job.
I'm gonna have a chat with them today and tell them to either pay up, or be out by the end of the month. Since they don't have jobs, the latter is probably more likely. Hey, I ain't running a charity.
Do they do anything around the house to make up for that lack of bill money?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#20 Nov 4, 2013
Sure, they make sure he never has any smokey treats, or liquor to drink!

Oh, and his porn collection is missing...
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Do they do anything around the house to make up for that lack of bill money?

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