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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 May 19, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I have been working hard to advance in my health care career so I can give my family a decent life. I have worked my way up from poverty, paying my own way, earning my degree through the military and sheer determination.

I have reached a point where I would like to enjoy life a little more, but my husband thinks I am being "materialistic." We fight often over my wardrobe spending.

I believe the clothes I wear, mostly nice skirt suits and heels, are part of my job and image. I believe it has helped me to get ahead. I don't buy overly expensive items, but they aren't cheap. I wear the things I buy for years and have a $200-a-month budget for what I may need, even though I don't always spend it.

I think I have earned the right to shop a little, which will ultimately lead to bigger and better things for my family, so why does my husband make me feel so guilty?-- CLOTHES MAKE THE WOMAN

DEAR C.M.T.W.: Not knowing your husband, it's difficult to say, but I'll throw out a few ideas. Could he be insecure or intimidated by your professional image? Could he be jealous on some level? In what kind of environment was he raised? Was his mother's "uniform" a housedress?

If you are earning good money and your family is being provided for, then you are certainly entitled to spend some of it on yourself. And you shouldn't have to apologize for it.

DEAR ABBY: I am getting married in October, and my fiance, "Brad," and I are having trouble seeing eye-to-eye on the name change issue.

Brad's family is originally from the North, and my family is from the South. He and his family are convinced that I should drop my maiden name, keep my middle name, and take his name as my new last name.

However, the women in MY family have always kept our maiden names, added their new husband's last name to theirs and dropped their middle names.

This is about the only thing Brad and I can't seem to agree on. What can I do when my mother says one thing and my sweetie says another? With your years of experience, I hope you can steer me in the right direction.-- BRAD'S BRIDE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR BRIDE: It's YOUR name. So do what you are most comfortable doing, because it's the name you will have to carry 'til the day you die (or divorce).

DEAR ABBY: I am under a lot of stress, but the woman I am with doesn't know it. I am 17, and I have been sleeping with my 38-year-old aunty. She's married and has three children. She's my mum's sister. We've slept together seven times and we can't stop doing it. I think I'm in love with her.

I know this is wrong. I need advice. Please help.-- LOVESICK TEEN IN THE U.K.

DEAR LOVESICK: Being "in love" shouldn't cause stress; it should relieve it. You know what you are doing is wrong, and YOU must be the adult and end this relationship. If you don't, it will bring heartache and turmoil to you and the rest of the family. By having an adulterous and incestuous affair with you -- her nephew and a minor -- your aunt is behaving like a sexual predator.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 May 19, 2014
1- you spend $200 dollars a month on dresses?

2- take his dam name or don't get married

3- good lord, how does that even happen?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 May 19, 2014
1 Yeah abby, the Male is insecure, The Male is jealous..
'How about you consider the fact that she is spending $200 a month on clothes? Even if she does wear them for years, Thats still way over normal budget. Granted women probably normally spend more than men, but I doubt I spend $500 a Year! And thats only because Tommy Bahama shirts are very expensive. Her closet must be packed with clothes.

Oh, and I seem to remember you bashing the Male for wanting to spend money on himself, even though it did not impact providing for his family. You called him greedy or something.

2 Your still taking his name, so I dont see how its a big deal, Although the way you described it, it sounded like a rubicks cube.(which is on google today, so unless you want to waste a day, stay away).

3 Ha! Your about to become Uncle-Dad. Do you live in UK or KY?
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 May 19, 2014
LW1 - Nice suits and heels cost a lot more than $200 a month, but (a) you don't need 15 of each, and (b) you can save up some of your monthly budget and not spend it every month.

LW2 - If this is a bone of contention now, you shouldn't get married. If you disagree on what women (and men, of course) should and should not do upon marriage, you disagree on some fundamentals of married life. It's all going to go to hell in a hand basket eventually if you don't come to a common ground without resentment. And, btw, this name thing has nothing to do with North and South.

LW3 - Gawd, please let this be a fake letter. Please. If it's not fake, you, LW, need serious psychological help because you are being sexually abused and exploited. Your "aunty" is a sick, sick, sick woman.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 May 19, 2014
L1 I like nice clothes and I agree with the maxim of Dress for the job you want, not the job you have but unless you are replacing your wardrobe at retail prices at higher end stores,$2400 a year sounds high. If you are in healthcare, your footwear has specific requirements which should keep you away from the $400 a pair shoes.

OTOH shopping sounds like it is her recreation and if she is working hard and meeting obligations, I think the husband is out of line.

L2. WTH?? She IS taking his last name. They are fighting over her middle name . The middle name on my checks is my ex-husbands last name because I was known that way when I was starting out in my job. Other than on the checks I don't think I ever use it on anything except maybe a random magazine subscription.

This is a symptom of something else.

L3 Fake . Abby has been scraping the bottom of the barrel lately.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#6 May 19, 2014
Glance into a close up on LW1. Her husband is:
(a) an accountant who is uncomfortable with her being slow to pay off the expensive clothes she charges to the account
(b) a credit card fraud investigator who sees his wife as a sitting duck for phishing
(c) stingy
(d) finding his admonitions to save for a different expense that is in the good interests of both of them falling on deaf ears
or
(e) other
pde

Bothell, WA

#7 May 19, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- you spend $200 dollars a month on dresses?
If she's talking the type of clothing I believe she's talking about, the $200/month goes for part of an outfit.

If a woman has a profession where she's expected to wear high-end women's suits/blouses and shoes, a budget of $200/month isn't unreasonable. But it probably doesn't get spent monthly ... when she buys a new suit, that's several months worth of that budget. A nice silk blouse can easily be $100 on its own.

(And decent bras,$50+).

That's why I hated when I worked in a law firm. Even as a peon, the dress code for women was stressful and expensive. I got away with some of the cheaper end stuff from, for example, TJ Maxx because I ignored the gentle hints it wasn't right and wasn't counting on keeping that job long-term anyhow.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 May 19, 2014
LW1: If she's paying her bills and the family is not lacking for anything, I think she should be able to spend her money any damn way she sees fit. A nice, comfortable pair of heels could run you $120 easy.

If hte husband has some specific thing in mind for the money (like saving for a car or a vacation), he should say that instead of accusing her of being materialistic. That has really got to frost her britches after coming up having nothing...

LW2: This is all over a middle name? The name for which people routinely only use an initial?

You should seriously think about running the other direction.

LW3: Ew. But I bet you thought it was hawt at first, didn't cha?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 May 19, 2014
But the LW says she wears the stuff for years! Which to me, means that she has been buying for years, So your saying she has at least 24 blouses and at least 24 bra's and at least 24 skirts/slacks, and there is NO end in sight.

Overkill and wendy wastefull.
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
If she's talking the type of clothing I believe she's talking about, the $200/month goes for part of an outfit.
If a woman has a profession where she's expected to wear high-end women's suits/blouses and shoes, a budget of $200/month isn't unreasonable. But it probably doesn't get spent monthly ... when she buys a new suit, that's several months worth of that budget. A nice silk blouse can easily be $100 on its own.
(And decent bras,$50+).
That's why I hated when I worked in a law firm. Even as a peon, the dress code for women was stressful and expensive. I got away with some of the cheaper end stuff from, for example, TJ Maxx because I ignored the gentle hints it wasn't right and wasn't counting on keeping that job long-term anyhow.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 May 19, 2014
L1: One good suit will cost more than $200. If her $200 budget includes shoes, lingerie, haircut, manis/pedis, purses, totes, sunglasses, eyeglasses, jewelry -- I don't see a problem. Even if it doesn't include it, what's the beef? If they're doing without b/c of it or they don't have the monetary security they need, then I'd say they have a problem.

L2: You need to b e able to resolve this. If you can't, how are you going to be able to resolve the really big stuff that comes up in life?

L3: This sounds very fake to me.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 May 19, 2014
RACE wrote:
But the LW says she wears the stuff for years! Which to me, means that she has been buying for years, So your saying she has at least 24 blouses and at least 24 bra's and at least 24 skirts/slacks, and there is NO end in sight.
Overkill and wendy wastefull.
<quoted text>
Some places it costs more to dress. Take Chicago, for example. You have your Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall wardrobe.

I try to buy outfits that can do more than one season, but certain things just can't.

We have some people where I work where it is obvious they spend about $150 a year on clothes and it shows. They do get talked to about professional dressing. We have others that -- man I wish I had their budget! I try for the middle ground -- don't always need a named label but try to go with really good quality on the basics and then skimp a bit on something that has to last a season or two.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#12 May 19, 2014
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
If she's talking the type of clothing I believe she's talking about, the $200/month goes for part of an outfit.
If a woman has a profession where she's expected to wear high-end women's suits/blouses and shoes, a budget of $200/month isn't unreasonable. But it probably doesn't get spent monthly ... when she buys a new suit, that's several months worth of that budget. A nice silk blouse can easily be $100 on its own.
(And decent bras,$50+).
That's why I hated when I worked in a law firm. Even as a peon, the dress code for women was stressful and expensive. I got away with some of the cheaper end stuff from, for example, TJ Maxx because I ignored the gentle hints it wasn't right and wasn't counting on keeping that job long-term anyhow.
$200 a month on clothes is excessive. What kind of closet space do these people have?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 May 19, 2014
Well, it's obvious that the women here fiercely guard their clothes budget.
Hmmmm, I wonder how much I spend on beer...

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#14 May 19, 2014
RACE wrote:
Well, it's obvious that the women here fiercely guard their clothes budget.
Hmmmm, I wonder how much I spend on beer...
I'd like to know that answer. Because if it's anything close to $200, everyone who's saying she spends too much on clothes can STFU.
blunt advice

Plainfield, NJ

#15 May 19, 2014
1. What medical facility is this? Most heath care people I see wear scrubs. If you like a variety of clothes open an account at a consignment shop where you can sell and buy clothes.
2. If you hyphenate you do have his last name. I would think before marrying into this family.
3. Estimating how long it takes before a letter is published...This was written on April 1.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 May 19, 2014
LW1 "have a $200-a-month budget for what I may need"
"so why does my husband make me feel so guilty?"

How much does he spend on clothes? He makes you feel guilty cause it seems extremely wasteful to him. It does to me. But I ain't married to you.

You say you wear this stuff for years, Well where does it all go? At some point, that closet's got to be full.

Abby, she should not have to apologize or answer for it to anyone? Ok. As long as the husband is providing for his faily, then I supose he should be able to drop $200 a month on booze and cigars and not have to justify it or get the wife's buy in? He's earned it, right?

LW2: What abby said

lw3: fake letter
pde

Bothell, WA

#17 May 19, 2014
RACE wrote:
But the LW says she wears the stuff for years! Which to me, means that she has been buying for years, So your saying she has at least 24 blouses and at least 24 bra's and at least 24 skirts/slacks, and there is NO end in sight.
Overkill and wendy wastefull.
<quoted text>
That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that if you're buying high-end women's clothing,$200 can be a single piece of clothing or two. I pointed out the silk blouse (which is probably the least expensive part of the suit) can be about $100. Slacks/skirts/jackets are likely to be much more. I wouldn't consider $400-$500 to unexpected for a decent quality woman's professional suit, and there are plenty of them that cost a lot more. I remember wandering into a shop once that specialized in woman's suits because I needed a new one for an interview and thought that maybe I was in for $300 for something that would last for years. Yea, no. The "basic" navy suit they put me in was $700. And that was in the mid 1990s.(No, I didn't buy it.)

I'm not even buying high-end clothing, and I just bought a new sundress, a new pair of slacks, and a dressy work shirt. Altogether that was $150. Then I bought a sports bra, an exercise shirt and a pair of exercise pants because the exercise clothing I've probably been wearing for about 10 years at this point is starting to wear out at the butt, thighs, and elbows. That was $80 at Target. And because I run or bike daily, I really should buy one more exercise outfit but the second set of exercise clothing that is wearing out will probably last another month, so I'll wait.

My husband spends far less on his clothing, yet owns about twice as much clothing as I do. And he beats his clothing to hell, but still spends far less replacing it. Under normal circumstances, I probably spent $200 every three months or so. And as I mentioned, I'm not trying to dress like a lawyer or someone in that type of professional office environment.
The other thing you have to remember is that things like nylons (if she has to wear them as part of her wardrobe) are annoyingly expensive for how disposable they are. I am so glad I do not have to wear them. I'd usually get two days out of them before they ran when I did. My mom had to wear them every single day for years because she was required to wear a skirt and nylons as part of the workplace dress code. That was a complete money drain.
CASS

Pomona, CA

#18 May 19, 2014
RACE wrote:
Well, it's obvious that the women here fiercely guard their clothes budget.
Hmmmm, I wonder how much I spend on beer...
Well, it depends on what their budget gets spent on. My clothes budget is very low compared to this woman's. I don't like to have to many clothes, although I do like nice ones. Women's clothes and shoes do seem to cost quite a lot. I just don't think that a woman in an office job neeeds 10 different Donna Karan suits.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 May 19, 2014
blunt advice wrote:
1. What medical facility is this? Most heath care people I see wear scrubs. If you like a variety of clothes open an account at a consignment shop where you can sell and buy clothes.

.
I am going to guess she is in administration rather than patient care. The only pople who wear scrubs are teh ones actually touching eh patient like PA's, Nurse Practitioners, radiology techs, people in a surgical suite or ER, etc.

However, everyone who works at a big hospital in Chicago (where my sister works) has to wear closed toe shoes with non skid soles.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 May 19, 2014
boundary painter wrote:
Glance into a close up on LW1. Her husband is:
(a) an accountant who is uncomfortable with her being slow to pay off the expensive clothes she charges to the account
(b) a credit card fraud investigator who sees his wife as a sitting duck for phishing
(a) is belied by her statement that her sepnding in controlled and in line with her income.
(b). Nope. this is too far fetched. Just because you buy clothes does not make you any more of a phishing target than if you use your card on Amazon, Google Playstore ( remember Heartbleed?) etc.

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