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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Nov 15, 2012
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about a letter you published Sept. 23 from "Friend in Arizona." She wrote that after her friend "Blanche" was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, Blanche had asked not to be "paraded around for others to gawk at" after she reached a certain point. You advised that continuing to take her friend to church every Sunday was going against her wishes. I disagree.

I'm an LPN and specialize in Alzheimer's. I have been doing this for more than 25 years, and have headed Alzheimer care units. One of the things we strive for is some sense of normalcy. These people lose their short-term memory at first. But many have strong, vivid memories of years ago.

Going to church every Sunday is probably one of the few things Blanche actually remembers, and it most likely brings her a sense of comfort. Most of the parishioners probably have known her for years. This isn't walking through a mall full of strangers; it is enjoying fellowship with old friends. I'm sure they are not "gawking."

Nursing homes are often frightening to Alzheimer's patients -- full of strange sounds and people. Church, however, is full of beloved hymns and friends.

Unfortunately, there will come a time when her disease will progress to the point that these trips will become stressful for her, and possibly that her behavior will become too difficult for church. But until that time comes, I hope this dear friend continues to do such a wonderful thing for this woman. I only hope that I have such caring friends in my later years.-- JENNIFER IN CARTHAGE, MO.

DEAR JENNIFER: I would like to thank you and the many readers who urged me to change my answer to that letter. Some pointed out that Blanche had elicited the promise when she was a "different person," far different from the woman she is today. However, I am torn.

While I think it's brutal for older people who suffer from dementia to be treated as pariahs and isolated (and many are), and clearly this friend is well-meaning, I also feel strongly that a person's wishes stated in advance should be respected. Blanche may have wanted to be remembered as the person she was, and entrusted her friend to carry out her wishes "after she reached a certain point."

The writer of that letter asked me if I thought she was wrong to disregard her friend's wishes. I apologize if anyone was offended by my telling her I thought she was.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a disagreement. No matter what we are doing, she's constantly checking her cellphone for texts or emails. Then she'll get into text conversations and talk to herself while I sit there wondering what's so funny. It happens a lot -- anytime, anywhere. Her cellphone is a constant companion and usually the center of attention.

Am I too sensitive in thinking that the phone should be put away sometimes when we're together? Or is this the world in which we now live?-- LIKE I'M NOT THERE IN RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR LIKE YOU'RE NOT THERE: You are not being overly sensitive. Have you told your wife that you feel she's neglecting you because she pays more attention to her cellphone? If you haven't, you should. If she has any consideration for your feelings, she will turn it off for an agreed period of time so she can spend that time with you.

Marriages take work if they're going to last, and communication is crucial. If she refuses to listen to you, deliver the message via text or email, or with the help of a licensed marriage counselor.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#2 Nov 15, 2012
L1: Feel better Abby? I don't have much experience with dementia so I'm lucky that no one I know is going through that.

L2: So she is a crackberry. Like Abby says, send her an email. Better yet, send one earlier with a delay send that will get there when you're talking to her that say, "Are you listening to me". Ha!

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#3 Nov 15, 2012
L1: I agree, and this is what we said too.

L2: She's being rude. When you say you're having a disagreement, does that mean you've already talked to her about this and you don't see eye to eye? Or are you just sulking silently?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Nov 15, 2012
L1: Abby was wrong and almost everyone here agreed on that.

Amy could learn a lot from Abby's apology.

L2: Nick's 10yo gets the sex talk in school next Tuesday. We're going out that night for our anniversary. I told him that the phone won't be allowed at the dinner table that night, so if he thinks the ex will be texting him b/c the kid comes home with questions for mom, we can reschedule the anniversary dinner. Nick said we'd stick to our plans and he'd leave the phone in the car that night.(I normally don't have a problem with him bringing his phone with him when we eat -- we're usually at sports bars.)

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#5 Nov 15, 2012
Abby, how can you be so torn?
Those people are not lepers for God's sake.
As long as everyone remains calm, cool and collected there is no reason to isolate people who are losing their mind.
I am of the opinion that it does far more harm than good and probably helps to foreshorten their lives.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Nov 15, 2012
Lw2: This IS the world we live in. But you are either exagerating and too sensitive or she is taking it to extremes.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Nov 15, 2012
Toj wrote:
Like Abby says, send her an email.
My cousin had got on IM with me one night. Had a question I could not answer. Said she'd have to ask my wife, who was asleep. She asked me to ask her. So I opened up a new window and emailed the question to my wife. Then told cousin I emailed her. Cousin was confused as to why I emailed her. Thought maybe wife was out of town. Asked why I emailed if wife is there at home. Cause its much easier to send an email than have to remember to ask your stupid question tomorrow morning.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 Nov 15, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
My cousin had got on IM with me one night. Had a question I could not answer. Said she'd have to ask my wife, who was asleep. She asked me to ask her. So I opened up a new window and emailed the question to my wife. Then told cousin I emailed her. Cousin was confused as to why I emailed her. Thought maybe wife was out of town. Asked why I emailed if wife is there at home. Cause its much easier to send an email than have to remember to ask your stupid question tomorrow morning.
I would have done the same thing.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Nov 15, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
My cousin had got on IM with me one night. Had a question I could not answer. Said she'd have to ask my wife, who was asleep. She asked me to ask her. So I opened up a new window and emailed the question to my wife. Then told cousin I emailed her. Cousin was confused as to why I emailed her. Thought maybe wife was out of town. Asked why I emailed if wife is there at home. Cause its much easier to send an email than have to remember to ask your stupid question tomorrow morning.
Totally understand.

There are times I'm so lazy I would call my kid on the phone when he was downstairs and I upstairs if I needed to talk with him.

Also, who doesn't call someone when you pull up in the driveway to tell them you're there if they are expecting you and you are the driver for whatever you're going?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Nov 15, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Totally understand.
There are times I'm so lazy I would call my kid on the phone when he was downstairs and I upstairs if I needed to talk with him.
Also, who doesn't call someone when you pull up in the driveway to tell them you're there if they are expecting you and you are the driver for whatever you're going?
Heck, Nick and I text "OMW" so we know to expect the other person in a few minutes, even though earlier we'd agreed on a time.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Nov 15, 2012
LW1: What Abby said.

LW2: Demand to have some tech-free time together. If she can't do that, you should find her a tech-anon meeting she can attend.

Oh wait. They don't have one of those yet, do they?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#12 Nov 15, 2012
1 Still refusing to admit you're wrong....

2 Grab your phone, start looking at porn and masturbate.
Sam I Am

Nashville, TN

#13 Nov 15, 2012
1. Blanche's wishes should be honored.

2. Your wife is being ridiculous.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#14 Nov 15, 2012
1 Yeah yeah....

2 Yes, this the world we live in, and yes, you're overly sensitive. Like others above, I also call my daughter on the cell phone when she's in the basement. Heck with walking to the stairs and yelling.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#15 Nov 15, 2012
hell, hubby and i are soemtimes 10 feet away in different rooms and we IM...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Garden City, MI

#16 Nov 15, 2012
Aisle Sitter wrote:
hell, hubby and i are soemtimes 10 feet away in different rooms and we IM...
Jeebus, people, what happened to yelling?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#17 Nov 15, 2012
I think some of you are missing the problem in L2. It's not an issue of them texting each other from different parts of the house or whatever, it's that the LW's wife is involved in text convos with others while they're together. Of course this is going to happen from time to time but taking the letter at face value, she's constantly doing this. It's freaking rude.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Nov 15, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
I think some of you are missing the problem in L2. It's not an issue of them texting each other from different parts of the house or whatever, it's that the LW's wife is involved in text convos with others while they're together. Of course this is going to happen from time to time but taking the letter at face value, she's constantly doing this. It's freaking rude.
No. I don't think anyone is missing the point. We got bored with the point and started talking about how we text people in the same house is all.:)

They have been boring letters lately. We need an argument to make it interesting. Want to argue this point?

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#19 Nov 15, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Jeebus, people, what happened to yelling?
we're ten feet but 2 rooms (or three, dependnig on which route you take) apart, and there are 2 walls in between which do not transmit sound. also, i lost my voice a couple months back to a weird sinus infection. i could barely carry on a conversation, let alone yell... <shrug> works for us....

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#20 Nov 15, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
I think some of you are missing the problem in L2. It's not an issue of them texting each other from different parts of the house or whatever, it's that the LW's wife is involved in text convos with others while they're together. Of course this is going to happen from time to time but taking the letter at face value, she's constantly doing this. It's freaking rude.
agreed.

on both counts.

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