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Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#1 Jul 11, 2012
DEAR ABBY: I have been in an on-again/off-again relationship with a man for 16 years -- more on than off. We have two boys together. He recently moved back in, and things are going well. We're in our 30s, and I'm ready to be more than girlfriend and boyfriend. I'd like to ask this special man in my life to marry me, but I'm not sure if a woman should ever propose marriage to a man. Should I go ahead and do it, or just be patient and hope that one day he will ask me to take the next big step?-- LONGING FOR MORE IN TEXAS

DEAR LONGING FOR MORE: By all means, ask him to formalize your relationship. After 16 years and two children, you deserve to know where the relationship is going. And when you do, mention that you'd like him to go to the altar willingly -- before the boys are big enough to hog-tie and drag him there to make an "honest woman" of their mother.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a vegetarian and anti-fur advocate for many years, and most of my friends and family know it. I feel strongly that wearing fur and leather is cruel and unnecessary, but I don't lecture anyone who doesn't ask my opinion.

What would be the proper response when someone gives me an item with real animal fur or genuine leather? It has happened before, and while I appreciate that someone has bought me a gift, I'm horrified and heartbroken seeing what's inside the box when I open it, and disappointed knowing that the person has contributed to the unkind and atrocious fur industry. I find it difficult to bring myself to say "thank you" for something I find so morally abhorrent.

What is the appropriate response in this situation? Is it acceptable for me to use this as an opportunity to educate the person on the horrors of fur fashions?-- VEGGIE IN NEW YORK

DEAR VEGGIE: No, it isn't. Good manners dictate that you graciously thank the giver and then, if you wish, give the gift a respectful, private burial or regift it to a carnivore.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband is remarrying. We have always tried to be civil toward each other because of our daughter, who is 16. I try to be the bigger person in dealing with him in order to set a good example for her.

He called her last night after not having called her in several weeks and told her that if she wants to be in his wedding, I (meaning me) should purchase her dress. I thought it was inappropriate for him not only to tell her that, but also to expect me to pay for it.

When I remarried years ago, I never would have dreamed of asking him for money for her attire. My daughter even thinks this is unrealistic.

I usually try to keep things positive when it comes to situations with him, but I don't think I'm giving in on this one. Do you agree?-- EX IN ILLINOIS

DEAR EX: You said you try to keep things positive to set a good example for your daughter. While I agree your ex's demand that you pay for the dress is petty (and cheap), be the bigger person one more time and buy it for her if she wishes to participate rather than argue about it. Then cross your fingers and hope it's his last wedding.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#2 Jul 11, 2012
L1: You have way bigger issues than wondering about the technicality of who should propose.

L2: Wow, I wish I had friends who gave me mink coats and crocodile bags as gifts.

L3: What Abby said. Just think of it as buying a dress for your daughter, period, and buy one that she can wear again (to a dance or something, whatever).

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jul 11, 2012
L1: I read about couples like this, together for 20 years, kids, but never married, and yet I have never known any myself. If he wanted to marry you, he'd have said so, oh, about 14 years ago is my best guess.

L2: WHo on earth is giving you such gifts, when they don't know you well enough to know you're a vegetarian and opposed to fur/leather items?

L3: Call him yourself -- your daughter is 16 and doesn't need to be in the middle -- and tell him to buy the GD dress himself. Your ex is a frickin' ahole.$10 says his wife-to-be put him up to this. She must be a worthless idiot herself.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Jul 11, 2012
LW1: HAH! So you're so old fashioned and proper that you balk at the thought of a woman asking a man to get married, but you're cool with having kids with a man you're not married to? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

LW2: What Abby said.

LW3: Your daughter knows the score. SO why not let her decide. Does SHE want to be in the wedding so much that she wants you to foot the bill? If even she thinks this is f'd up, maybe SHE will be the one to say, "no, I don't want to be in the wedding."

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Jul 11, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
buy one that she can wear again (to a dance or something, whatever).
The issue is about her being in the wedding, not attending. If she's IN the wedding, doesn't she need to have the same matching dress as the other ladies?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Jul 11, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: Call him yourself -- your daughter is 16 and doesn't need to be in the middle -- and tell him to buy the GD dress himself. Your ex is a frickin' ahole.$10 says his wife-to-be put him up to this. She must be a worthless idiot herself.
What is calling him going to do? He's already laid out his plan. He's already coming across as the a-hole by saying he won't pay for her to be in the wedding. So if mom does not buy the dress, to me, he's the one who still comes off looking like the a-hole.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#7 Jul 11, 2012
There's always non-traditional common law marriage in states that allow for it. Not all do. It doesn't take much more than an exclusive mutual agreement followed by cohabitation. But I'm not an attorney, so there could be pitfalls.
Texas uses a different term
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#8 Jul 11, 2012
You guys all nailed it.

And I don't believe LW2. She is a sanctomonius PITA.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Jul 11, 2012
LW1: Your relationship sounds kinda f'd up. I'm not so sure you two should marry.

LW2: <eats bacon>

LW3: Grow a spine and tell him since it is his wedding he can buy his daughter a dress.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Jul 11, 2012
loose cannon wrote:
There's always non-traditional common law marriage in states that allow for it. Not all do. It doesn't take much more than an exclusive mutual agreement followed by cohabitation. But I'm not an attorney, so there could be pitfalls.
Texas uses a different term
I believe that most states have stopped recognizing common-law marriages, other than those grandfathered in.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#11 Jul 11, 2012
L1: What a doofus....were you the girl in Freshman Math back in high school saying, "..but math is hard.."?

L2: What a sanctimonious PITA. Excuse me if I'm too busy eating my clubbed seal sandwich to respond to your over-wrought diatribe. Go away!

L3: What a total a-hole. If your daughter is onboard, I'd not hesitate to decline to buy her dress for his re-wedding.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Jul 11, 2012
L1: The thing is, after all of this why haven't you discussed marriage before? Red flag -- big communication problems along with the break-ups and get-back-togethers.

L2: I'm with others. Pass those gifts to me.

L3: Buy the dress. It's not a matter of who is right or who is wrong. That's already evident. It's a matter of how much of your life you want to waste on a man who acts like a little boy.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#13 Jul 11, 2012
1: You're stupid.

2: You say "thank you." Idiot.

3: Just buy her the dress. Your ex is a clod and the one who will suffer will be your daughter, not you, not him, and not his new wife.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 Jul 11, 2012
1 Why bother? Your both idiots.

2 So you would rather let the hide of an animal go to waste than have it used to make something useful. Next time read the frigging tags, its all imitation leather/seal/gaters. Dummy

3 Dad is a flipping bunghole, but dont let you daughter suffer for it. buy the dress.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#15 Jul 11, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: I read about couples like this, together for 20 years, kids, but never married, and yet I have never known any myself. If he wanted to marry you, he'd have said so, oh, about 14 years ago is my best guess.
My late SIL and her husband were together for well over 20 years before they got married. They had no children together, but both had them from their first. The two youngest were only a month or so apart.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#16 Jul 11, 2012
Oh, but they had none of that on-again-off-again crap. They'd been HS sweethearts, separated by parental moving, and when their exes left them, they became a couple again, and were together until she died. GoodEx says that BIL was just a shadow of himself, wandering the property aimlessly for a good while after her passing. He's coming out of it, but they really were the loves of each others' lives.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#17 Jul 11, 2012
LW1:"...and I'm ready to be more than girlfriend and boyfriend."

Um, you are. It's call Mom and Dad.

LW2: Would it kill you to be gracious?

LW3: I'm split on this one. I sorta think the girl should be given the choice if she wants to go. If she does...then mom should probably buy the dress.

From the way the LW words her letter, it sounds like this is not his first azzhole-type move so she should be used to this.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#18 Jul 11, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>The issue is about her being in the wedding, not attending. If she's IN the wedding, doesn't she need to have the same matching dress as the other ladies?
Yeah... I didn't read it that carefully, I admit.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#19 Jul 11, 2012
LW2 - If your friends or family (who should know you) are giving you gifts made out of animals, they are being nasty and disrespectful to you. I read in an advice column about a woman who was given a fur coat by her MIL (who knew she was against fur). She sold the coat and gave the money to PETA in her MIL's name. If any of the gifts are worth anything you might try that.
PEllen

Altamonte Springs, FL

#20 Jul 11, 2012
What squishy said.

Just don't let dad's new wife sucker your daughter into being teh babysitter bridesmaid for teh people who bring little kids to the wedding

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